Are the Mariners Forreal?

Dawson weeps for all M's fans

Well, the Seattle Mariners are on their way home from Minneapolis, where they were publicly beaten and humiliated by the Minnesota Twins for three whole days.  It was like a domestic violence case where everybody in the neighborhood knows what goes on behind closed doors (where did she get that black eye?) but nobody wants to get involved.  In today’s game, Francisco Liriano had his way with them for seven innings, racking up 11 K’s.  The M’s left with no dignity, no runs, 2 hits, 2 walks, and FIFTEEN STRIKEOUTS!

It’s no secret that the Mariners have rewritten the definition of “suck” this season.  We rank last in the majors in team batting average, home runs, RBI and hits.  Our bullpen’s ERA is 4.53, good for 12th in the AL.  Just for a frame of reference, last year’s bullpen ERA ranked 3rd in the league.  And unless I’m mistaken, the team’s motto has been officially changed from “Believe Big” to “Only (x) Days Left Until Football Season Starts!”

Let’s recap some other highlights from this season:

• Felix got tricked into signing a five-year deal (sucker!)
• Griffey came back for another magical season, only to learn the hard way that people who wear adult diapers are too old to play baseball
• the team went through DH’s faster than Griffey went through adult diapers
• Chone Figgins began a four-year-long crime spree, during which he is expected to steal $36 million from the team.  And oh, yeah, HE ATTACKED OUR MANAGER IN THE DUGOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• the M’s acquired Cliff Lee, which, combined with Felix at the top of the rotation, ensured that fans would pay attention to at least 40% of the team’s games (until they traded him away in July)
• Erik Bedard kept his pulse going at a murmur (I seriously thought he was dead for a while)
• The team went 6-22 in the month of July.  That is not a misprint.  We won just over 20% of our games.

With so many things going wrong this year, it seems as though choosing one single thing to pick on would be difficult.  Nope, it really isn’t.  The absolute worst part of this team is the hitting, or lack thereof.  My brother summed it up pretty well the other day, when he said, “I’ve forgotten what a good offense looks like.  Whenever the M’s score more than 2 runs in a game, I think something along the lines of, ‘Holy crap, the M’s scored 4 runs today!  That’s SO MANY RUNS!  How could a team ever be fortunate enough to score SO MANY RUNS?’ ”

As silly as that statement might sound, it’s a pretty accurate account of how we all feel about this anemic offense.  And it’s not like the hitters don’t know they suck.  They talk about it all the time, in every post-game interview.  2010 is being called the Year of the Pitcher, but if you were judging by the Mariners’ offense, you might guess that this was the Dead Ball Era.

And how do you think the pitchers feel?  Those poor, accursed souls have to go out there every day and pitch with the full knowledge that if they give up as many as 2 runs over 6 innings, there’s no chance in Hell of them getting the win.  So, as a result, each starting pitcher has the full weight of the team on his shoulders during every single start.  You don’t think this weighs on them over the course of the season?  Look at Doug Fister.  This guy was a real stud at the beginning of the year.  Then he got that “shoulder strain”.  Now, he is but a shell of his former self, unable to look in the mirror, let alone net a quality start.  And Ryan Rowland-Smith?  I loved that guy before the season started!  I expected him to have a Vargas-like year.  Instead, the Thunder from Down Under has struggled to find the zone all season.  He has zero self-confidence when he pitches.  And now some “injury” has pushed him to the 15-day DL.  Are we really buying that story?  Come on.  How much longer can this guy have?  There could be any number of reasons why these two young guns have been struggling, but I find it much easier to simply blame our crappy offense.

So, Seattle Mariners fan, what does this mean for you?  Should you give up on your team altogether?  HELL NO!  Imagine that you’re a typical parent and the Mariners are your teenage son.  He’s been a good kid for most of his life, but he’s always had a little trouble fitting in.  For most of his childhood, he was the kid with the really fun birthday parties!  (In this analogy, birthday parties represent awesome M’s players: Edgar, Griffey, Johnson, etc.)  All the other kids loved going to these birthday parties, but it wasn’t enough to make him one of the cool kids.  So he became bitter and rebelled during his teenage years (2004 season-present), turning to sex, drugs and rock and roll.  Subsequently, his grades quickly slipped and the people who were his friends quit hanging out with him.  Now, as his parent, are you just going to cut your losses and give up on your son when he needs you most?  Of course not!  You’re going to help this confused young man get the help he so desperately needs.  You’ll be there to protect him and tell him that you still love him, despite all the poor choices he has made over the past several years (Sexson, Beltre, Silva, Johjima, etc.).  You’ll look to the future, ever hopeful that he’ll come out of this rut and that you weren’t a total screw-up as a parent.

Most importantly, know this: you are not alone!!! Although it might feel like you’ve been abandoned in a solitary pit of despair, there is an entire fan base of people just like you; good people who are sick of the state of our beloved baseball team!  Now you’re probably saying to yourself, “But what can we do?  We’re just weak, little, insignificant fans!”  Oh, you stupid, stupid person.  Believe it or not, there is one thing we can do to to help ourselves out of this soul-crushing rut.  Just follow these simple instructions, and you’ll be feeling better in no time!

1. Contort your face into a look of exasperation and hopelessness.
2. Open your hand and extend it in front of you, palm facing toward you.
3. Gently lay your hand across your face.

Congratulations, you have just completed the facepalm!  With enough practice, you will be facepalming like a pro in as little as one week.*

*Please note: the facepalm will not help the Seattle Mariners attain a winning record, nor will it get them any closer to the playoffs.

Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of the USS-Enterprise and inventor of the facepalm

First Post of 2010! I Win!!

For those of us fortunate enough to experience the first 6 innings of Doug Fister’s amazing pitching performance, we can count ourselves ROBBED! Robbed, dear friends, of an all-but-guaranteed complete game no-hitter…..robbed of this by none other than S&T writer Double L. Allow me to tell you a story of betrayal……
 

[**A quick note: Before we navigate the perils of space and time to prove that Double L screwed everything up, it will greatly enhance your reading journey to have an accurate picture of what I look like. Imagine if George Clooney and Leonardo DiCaprio had a baby, then that baby somehow made a baby with the baby of Brad Pitt and Ewan McGregor…..and when THAT baby grew up it had a baby with Tom Selleck (for moustachey goodness) and was also all super-ripped and had like, laser eyes and, ummmm, robot hands and stuff……well that would be me. Also, I have the tail of a lion. So now that you have the proper frame of reference, let’s travel back to yesterday…a simpler time…**] (Our time travel will be aided by the coolest homemade  compilation of Back to the Future screengrabs known to man…and it’s FRENCH….Retour Vers le Futur indeed!!!)

 
After cleaning up the house at the request of my lovely roommate (wife), I grabbed a delightful beer and landed my awesome ass on the couch just in time to catch the last few innings of the game. Watching Fister work fastball after fastball to the lowly Orioles lineup was both fun AND exhilarating. That’s when it happened……the ding of the iPhone text message…the name “Mollin Mennett” (name changed to protect stupid Collin Ben….dang it) appeared with an ominous message below: “DOUG EFFING FISTER!”…..Within three seconds of reading this message, Nick Markakis drove a ball right back up the box into center field breaking up the no-hitter. Lucky for our own Double L, he wasn’t in range of my laser eyes…or whatever awesome power I gave myself in the above description which I am too lazy to revisit in order to stay consistent….because if he WAS within range I would have toasted his brains via his rectum (Rectum? Damn near killed’em! …..er, sorry). As ANY baseball fan knows, you get passed the 5^th inning with a no-no, you DON’T TALK TO ANYBODY for fear of jinxing the outing. Well looks like Jerky McAss-Hat missed the memo. This is why the blame falls squarely on his dainty, lady-like shoulders….right where the straps of his training bra sit. I know you all are as livid as I am, so I am taking this opportunity to give you a voice to speak out against the atrocities committed by Double L. Use the comment section to call him all sorts of names and draw dirty pictures of him and John Goodman together……..have at him, for he RUINED THE NIGHT.

(PROOF BELOW)

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch Changes (Also WTAGTS – Pirates Edition)

In case you haven’t noticed, this is taking forever. We have had some fun, Oil Can made the internet angry, and Double LL torched the impossible to pronounce Cubs line-up card. It’ sad, but its time to be done with baseball previews as most teams have already played at least 7 games. So we are going with a new format just to crush what’s left and get back to our modus operandi as soon as possible. This will be the last of the “Why They Are Going To Suck” individual team previews….which will be a breath of fresh air to some….and to others the foul stench of a Jackelliotsmustache Special Down Home Cooked Dutch oven. It doesn’t matter which side you choose because here come the “Standard Division Race Previews For the Ones We Couldn’t Finish in Time” previews.

 

With a tear and a song here is the final “Why They Are Going to Suck – Pirates Edition. It’s funny, this should be the easiest one to write of the whole lot…save the Marlins….but with the sites vision fully focused on the future and a noon trip to Safeco on my mind my mind grapes are not producing the juices I had hoped they would…..but that’s half the fun right? When in doubt turn to YouTube…..I wish I could credit the artist on this but without further ado…here is why they will suck thanks to the musical stylings of this dude.  

 

 

 

Final Prediction: The Pirates will be dead last based on ZERO power in their lineup and a total lack of a veteran presence on the team….Jack Wilson is the oldest player on the team at 30 and one of the saddest stories in baseball…..a Pirates lifer….man that sucks . They have decent 1 and 2 starters but after that the drop off is astronomical and continues all the way through their depressingly awful (even to non pirates fans) bullpen. 63-99…which will be good enough for the worst record in all of baseball…..Have fun Pittsburgh….Jerks

Mariners Defeat Twins With Entire Team of Possibly Evil Griffey Clones?

You heard it here first. Here is the video evidence.

Also, on a side note, Felix was fantastico!!! When asked about his performance Felix said “RAWWWWWRRRRRRRRR”…….That is all.

RAWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Putz Ain’t No Putz No More

I’m not shocking anyone at this point to say that the Mariners’ season is currently in a King County Waste Management septic treatment facility.  That is, their season went straight down the pooper before the summer even came to Seattle (which occurred in early July).  But something occurred the other day that sparked my interest.  It was something that I hadn’t seen in a long time, and I wasn’t sure whether or not I could belive what I was seeing. 

‘Twas the eve of August the 3rd, and after 6 and 2/3 mediocre innings from Carlos “Greased Lightning” (Or is it Greasy Thunder?) Silva, the Mariners made a crucial call to the ‘pen.  Normally, one would expect a middle reliever to come jogging out of left field, but lo and behold, here came JJ Putz of all people!  Putz threw 1.1 innings of solid relief, allowing one hit before giving way to phenom Brandon Morrow to seal the win.  While Putz’s stuff wasn’t exactly remarkable, it was the first time in a long while that he looked like he was actually in control on the mound, rather than being at the mercy of Joe Blow standing at the plate, which is how us Seattleites have grown accustomed to seeing him.  After the game, Putz said that he hadn’t felt that good since mid-March.  I originally thought, “surely Putz’s success must be a fluke”!  However, much to my surprise, Putz came out and gave another solid 1.1 innings last night!  While he allowed both inherited runners to score in the bottom of the 8th, he was able to keep the Twins at bay as he picked up the save.  Again, his stuff wasn’t spectacular, but he had the commanding mound presence that he had been missing since he became plagued with injuries in April. 

Putz’s triumphant return to the closer’s role (albiet a small triumph) is fantastic news for the Mariners, as this will allow the team to start preparing Morrow to become a starter, something they should have done loooong ago (something else they should have done long ago is not trade George Sherrill, who has been a dominant closer for the Orioles this season).  There is no doubt that Morrow will be welcomed into the starting rotation with open arms.  Suffice it to say that few of the Mariners’ starters (Batista, Silva, and crybaby Bedard) have had less than stellar seasons, especially considering that each of them is getting paid half of Canada’s gross national product ($1.18 trillion, for those of you who were wondering).  

Of course, we all know that as soon as Seattle’s starting pitching issues are taken care of, something tragic will happen to the offense, like Ichiro, Lopez, Clement, and Betancourt will all get shot in a drug-related gang war.  It’s the inevitable tragedy of the Mariners; that as soon as one piece of the puzzle gets fixed, another piece shoots itself in the foot.  But hey, that’s how we roll here in the Emerald City.

Oh, Happy Day!

After waking up this morning at 6 a.m. to put out signs for the Bellevue Market (go to it, all you eastsiders; it’s at First Presbyterian Church of Bellevue from 3-7!), I peered through my tired eyes and looked at the sun-shiney day in front of me and thought, “it’s going to be a glorious day”.  I couldn’t have been more correct.  In what has otherwise been a very bleak month for Seattle sports fans, some great news arrived at all our doorsteps this morning as the Seattle Mariners officially released the all-around abomination known as Richie Sexson.

Now, we all know that this is a move the front-office goons should have made at least a year ago, but hey, better late than never, right?  Sexson has been a serious contender for world’s greatest choke artist for a while now, and the amount of undeserved money the Mariners have paid him is almost criminal.  This act of the Mariners finally releasing him should serve as the final coup de grâce for his career.  By the way, for those of you wondering what coup de grâce means, it is French for “a deathblow of mercy to end the suffering of one who is mortally wounded”.  Trust me.  Wikipedia never lies. 

But hey, let’s keep in mind that Sexson being released isn’t all good news for the M’s.  First of all, now the Mariners have virtually no chance of having the Mendoza Line renamed in honor of one of their players.  Additionally, now that Big Bad Richie is gone, who is gonna charge the mound after getting a little chin music?  We all have to admit, it was pretty funny to watch him throw his helmet at Kason Gabbard.

Anyway, Seattleites will always remember July 10th as being the date in which the Mariners finally released the leech of their program, Richie “Free-Swinging” Sexson.  This move is a reassuring sign that he head honchos of the Mariners organization finally know what they’re doing.  Keep in mind that Bavasi’s bright idea had been to wait to release Sexson until a suitable replacement became available in free agency, which most baseball enthusiasts agree is an obsolete system.  To all Mariners fans, I hope that you wil join me in parading down to Seattle, finding GM Lee Pelekoudas, hoisting him upon our shoulders, and buying him a drink. 

As for Sexson, all I can say is that he had to have known the time had come to call it quits.  I mean, being replaced in the lineup by Miguel Cairo is a pretty good indicator that things aren’t working out too well for ya, Richie baby.  I just hope that you’ll take your cool 50 million clams (that’s the cool way of saying “$50 million), finding a nice place to settle down that’s far away from any other human life (I suggest the moon), and shunning yourself from the rest of civilization.  You might as well shun mankind, because mankind will surely shun you for the rest of your pathetic little life. 

In other news, my boy R.A. Dickey is getting the ball tonight.  YES!  He’s always fun to watch.  That’s all I got for ya, folks.  Now go check out deadspin.com or something.

Aussie Aussie Aussie! Oi Oi Oi!

Late last night, the Mariners moved starter Felix Hernandez to the 15-day DL after he was viciously attacked by Carlos Beltran, the stupid jerk who plays for the New York Mets.  While my first instinct to this news was somber, I realized that the move effectively did nothing, since Hernandez wasn’t expected to pitch tonight anyway.  The only reason for moving him to the 15-day DL was to make the M’s front office appear smart, which I fully support.  You see, the move to the 15-day DL was retroactive June 24, meaning Hernandez will be eligible to pitch as early as July 8th.  Since we all knew that he wouldn’t pitch until then anyway, moving him to the DL essentially was a formal way of announcing that no change had been made to his road to recovery.  Big whoop.

However, something exciting has unraveled itself amidst all of this formal mumble-jumble!  Starting in Hernandez’s place tonight is none other than long-reliever/wunderkind Ryan Rowland-Smith!!  I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve always loved this guy.  He has a wicked curveball that’s eerily reminiscent of Barry Zito (before he sucked out loud), and he’s been a consistent force out of the bullpen for the M’s.  This season, the bespectacled southpaw from down under has been very effective outta the ‘pen, harnessing a 2.66 ERA while working on an impressive 1.17 WHIP.  And let’s be honest: we don’t have a relief pitcher better suited for this start than Rowland-Smith.  I mean, sure, Brandon Morrow probably has the stuff to be a great starter, but the M’s are fully aware that the baseball gods will surely strike down Jarrod Washburn with a bolt of lightning within the next couple of weeks, which means that Morrow will need to fill in at that time.  And Rowland-Smith has said that he will take this start seriously, as it will be his first big league start.  I am excited to see what he can do tonight.

As you can tell, I am struggling to find things to say in this post, so I will now conclude it by providing Rowland-Smith with some sound advice that my mother always gave me as I got ready to go to high school each morning: “Remember, you’re the smartest, most handsome boy out there, no matter what the other kids say.  I love you, sweetie!”  And Ryan, if you were here, I would give you a big, wet kiss on the cheek, just as my mother always gave me as I headed off to school.

Two Outs? Now What?

                    

Get out the rye bread and mustard Grandmas, because this season is officially a crap sandwich. The whirlwind of excitement created by Felix’s grand slam was quickly tempered by injury, further proving the Mariners not only suck, but are also incredibly unlucky. Before you all run off and try to erase the hurt of this awful campaign with a funk-blast to the brain, remember that the 1995 season will live on forever in the hearts and minds of the moronic lunatics who worship that season as if Junior was rounding third as we speak…….you know what? Maybe that funk-blast isn’t such a bad option at this point. Maybe the one redeeming aspect that baseball historians will reflect on from this season will be the official “putting to rest” of the 1995 season. Never in the history of the world has a city attached its identity so deeply to a mediocre season (though Athenians still talk about their victory over the Thebes Black Sandals in 1200 BC). My vision for the wake is as follows: have a nice little service where, for the last time, people share their memories and recollections from the most incredible season in Mariners history (a sweet dismantling in the ALCS). The tombstone will read “1995: You were once our biggest source of pride, but you die an embarrassment. RIP 1995-2008.” We can put it in left field as long as it’s placed outside Raul’s range (which is about 20 feet in any direction unless he is on rollerblades being pulled by an ATV the moose is driving….because then his range is considerably increased). After the completion of the service, and after the season has been properly eulogized, the city of Seattle will be free to enforce mandatory death penalties for uttering “1995″ or even alluding to “The Magical Season.” This will be our greatest achievement in Mariner History, and will truly encompass all that it is to Viva La Mojo. So, as we continue to “refuse to lose” in future craptacular seasons, we can reflect privately on (but not speak of) the day the ‘95 season died. And we can hold our heads up high, knowing that we did the right thing.

Bloomquist: The Unsung Hero?

As a lifelong Mariners fan, I am not quite sure what to make of today’s epic 5-2 victory over the much-better-than-us New York Mets and their superstar ace, Johan Santana.  The game was full of ups and downs, all centering around a certain Felix Hernandez.  King Felix was nothing short of dominant as he mercilessly and effortlessly destroyed the Mets lineup, top to bottom.  And what did he do when his offense completely let him down, as was expected?  Oh, he only hit a grand slam.  (That was sarcasm, folks.)  Felix’s opposite-field bomb came in what was merely his 9th career at-bat, and was the first home run by a pitcher in Mariners history.  In fact, he was the first AL pitcher to hit a grand slam in 37 years! Keep in mind the fact that he hit this epic blast off of one of the greatest pitchers in recent memory, two-time Cy Young winner Johan Santana. Let’s face it: the guy pisses excellence.  However, tragedy struck in the 5th inning when Felix was trying to prevent Carlos Beltran from scoring from third base on a passed ball.  As Beltran neared home, Felix blocked the plate and was subsequently spiked by Beltran in the calf, causing Felix to roll his ankle. It was determined that Felix had sprained his ankle on the play, which was a real bummer for everybody watching the game.  

When people in the future (wait, since it’s the future, they might be robots) think of this game, they will look at King Felix as the true hero, as he provided the offense and the defense that secured the Mariners a much-needed victory.  However, the real hero in this game was the often-disappointing Willie Bloomquist.  No, that was not a typo.  I repeat myself; Willie Bloomquist was the true unsung hero. Maybe its because I have such low expectations of him, but he really surprised me today.  Bloomquist is kind of known as being a waste of space in Seattle, as he has always been somewhat of a utility idiot on the diamond.  However, if he deserves praise and/or respect for one thing, its that he plays baseball with the brain of an eight-year-old.  Bloomquist has always played with a love for the game, which is ironic, because baseball has obviously never loved him back.  Bloomquist isn’t out there for the money; he’s just out there to have fun and to try hard, like most Little League players.  While this usually results in frustration and annoyance for all involved, it finally paid off today.  With Hernandez on deck and two outs in the second inning, Bloomquist hit a routine grounder to David Wright, the elite Mets third-baseman. However, Wright fumbled the ball as he fielded it, but quickly recovered and threw the ball to first.  As the crowd and the TV audience shifted their attention to first base, they were all shocked and amazed to see Slick Willie hustling and bustling his way past the bag before the ball arrived.  While any other player would have merely jogged out such a crappy ground ball, the childlike Bloomquist ran as fast as he could to first, again conjuring images in my mind of a 10-year old gap-toothed Little Leaguer. After arriving safely at first on Wright’s error, the plate was set for Hernandez’s colossal home run.  While everybody will remember King Felix’s heroics from tonight’s game, I will think of the horrible player Willie Bloomquist and how he somehow got to first base safely, keeping the inning alive and saving the day for the Mariners.  And I can only hope that his parents took him out for ice cream after the game, just like any other Little League mom and dad would do.

The Single Most Important Letter in History?

Dear Mariners,

            I hope this letter finds you well…..I know it doesn’t, but I wish it did. Sure it seems like nothing has gone right (because nothing has gone right) this season and it’s time for drastic changes (it IS time for drastic changes), but I implore you, please do not give up on my man Robert Allen Dickey. I know his last 2 starts have been lamentable, giving up 12 runs in 5 1/3 innings combined, but he seems like a really nice guy and his hygiene is adequate to downright decent. I’d be a fool to think this alone cannot redeem him, but to be fair, you have given Jarrod Washburn all season to try and get it right, so why not do the same for R.A.? He has been stellar in relief, so we know he has big league stuff; it just hasn’t translated into quality starts. Sure, hearing him imply the weather may be doing a number on his knuckleball is a little disheartening for all of us, but since the weather is incredibly consistent and predictable around here (it’s not) it shouldn’t be a factor (it will be). The best thing for everyone at this point is to keep trolling his goofy mug out to the mound every 5th start and see what you have in him (we already know what we have in Batista, 10 pounds of monkey crap in a 5 pound bag). So in conclusion, Mariners, I think it’s high time you started taking my advice because clearly you are not mature or adult enough to make mature adult baseball decisions……whammy. So feel free to contact me at jackelliotsmustache@gmail.com or just look for me in the stands…..I will be the one saying ‘boo’ (not boo-urns).