Two Outs? Now What?



Get out the rye bread and mustard Grandmas, because this season is officially a crap sandwich. The whirlwind of excitement created by Felix’s grand slam was quickly tempered by injury, further proving the Mariners not only suck, but are also incredibly unlucky. Before you all run off and try to erase the hurt of this awful campaign with a funk-blast to the brain, remember that the 1995 season will live on forever in the hearts and minds of the moronic lunatics who worship that season as if Junior was rounding third as we speak…….you know what? Maybe that funk-blast isn’t such a bad option at this point. Maybe the one redeeming aspect that baseball historians will reflect on from this season will be the official “putting to rest” of the 1995 season. Never in the history of the world has a city attached its identity so deeply to a mediocre season (though Athenians still talk about their victory over the Thebes Black Sandals in 1200 BC). My vision for the wake is as follows: have a nice little service where, for the last time, people share their memories and recollections from the most incredible season in Mariners history (a sweet dismantling in the ALCS). The tombstone will read “1995: You were once our biggest source of pride, but you die an embarrassment. RIP 1995-2008.” We can put it in left field as long as it’s placed outside Raul’s range (which is about 20 feet in any direction unless he is on rollerblades being pulled by an ATV the moose is driving….because then his range is considerably increased). After the completion of the service, and after the season has been properly eulogized, the city of Seattle will be free to enforce mandatory death penalties for uttering “1995″ or even alluding to “The Magical Season.” This will be our greatest achievement in Mariner History, and will truly encompass all that it is to Viva La Mojo. So, as we continue to “refuse to lose” in future craptacular seasons, we can reflect privately on (but not speak of) the day the ‘95 season died. And we can hold our heads up high, knowing that we did the right thing.


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2 Responses to “Two Outs? Now What?”

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