Archive for the ‘Seahawks’ Category

If Every American Mails Peyton Manning $1, I Think He Might Finally Retire

February 2, 2012

Peyton Coverage = Anti-Eugene

Hey there, friend.  You’re probably wondering what I’m doing right now (8:16 pm PST) I’m currently watching 30 Rock, and Kristin Schaal is guest starring as a new page.  Seeing her reminded me of Bob’s Burgers, a show near and dear to my heart.  One of my favorite actors on that show is Eugene Mirman.  I just love Eugene Mirman!  I think he’s hilarious.  I literally cannot get enough of Eugene Mirman.

My adoration of all things Eugene is the opposite of how I feel about all this Peyton Manning coverage.  In fact, there are many opposites between Eugene Mirman and the Peyton Manning coverage.  This might be easier if I just compile a list of all the opposites that exist between these two.

Eugene Mirman               Peyton Manning Coverage
-Funny                            -Not Funny
-Overweight                    -Not Overweight
-Comedian                      -Not Comedian
-Russian Heritage           -No Russian Heritage

NEED I CONTINUE?

Look, here’s my point.  The media has been speculating on Peyton’s future for a while, but the attention has really ramped up in the past couple of weeks.  It’s incessant.  I really don’t think I need to say anything else because you know what I’m going to say.  Sports media’s obsession with all things Peyton must be put to a stop!

This is why I propose the Peyton Plan: If you, me and Rick Perry combine our efforts, I am convinced that we can persuade every American (even you, infants!) to donate one dollar to Peyton Manning.  This combined value of $312,953,322 should be enough to convince the beleaguered quarterback to hang up his cleats for good and put an end to ESPN’s blather.  Once again we will be able to turn on the TV without fear of hearing about all 22 NFL teams who might take a risk on Peyton Manning next season.

So, dear reader, will you join me in implementing the Peyton Plan? Together, I believe we can make a difference!  We will prevail!

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If We Needed Him to, Can a Bird Catch a Football?

May 7, 2008

             Bobby Engram wants more money and who can blame him. Fresh off a season with more receptions (94) than big name players like such as Chad Johnson and Steve Smith, Engram would like to be paid for his incredibly productive 2007. Bobby voiced his displeasure with his current deal via a letter left on head coach Mike Holmgren’s desk and by skipping his second day of the Hawks “voluntary workouts”. For those of you who don’t know, saying these workouts are voluntary is like saying paying taxes are voluntary…I mean, you can choose not to pay them you will just go to jail. Engram who is scheduled to receive $1.7 million in the 2008 season is in my estimation way underpaid. As the best returning wideout option we have, it is insane to think that both Nate Burleson and Deion Branch make more money than Engram. What is also insane is that a guy is complaining about making $1.7 million dollars….I guess if some guy at my work who is less productive made more money than me……wait a minute…that is totally true….I am definitely holding out for more money. I would like to thank Bobby Engram for reminding me that even if you make enough money you should always complain and hold out for more. I will be dropping an angry letter on my boss’ desk and letting him know I will not be attending the voluntary workouts, and by voluntary, I mean required, and by workouts, I mean my job….I can only hope they come to the table with a better deal…. But it looks as if even Bobby Engram doesn’t have that kind of job security, as the Seahawks have announced they expect Engram to finish out the remainder of his 2 year deal before they are willing to talk money……Turns out mediocre NFL players are just like you and me, except way more rich and talented.

 

  

 

 

 

When You Just Can’t Dunkaroo Anymore

April 28, 2008

            Saturday’s NFL draft was probably the most boring in recent memory. ESPN had wall-to-wall coverage of the two day event and, with only a small amount of big name guys, the feat of somehow covering the NFL snoozefest for two straight days is inconceivable and well deserving of Atta-boys and kudos (yes the delicious granola bar/candy treat).  Teams were being “reasonable” and “addressing their needs”, so the only interesting thing about the draft was that Washington State University graduate Alex Brink somehow slipped all the way to the 7th round to the Houston Texans. It is amazing to me that there isn’t a team out there who needs a guy that can fairly to very easily throw for 5 touchdowns and 5 interceptions in the same game. This late picking of Mr. Brink was a surprise to everybody, but for different reasons. After day one, I was sitting there wondering when Alex was finally going to go while the rest of the world was saying “who is Alex Brink” and “why would the Texans waste a 7th round pick on this guy from Warshington”. However ridiculous, my semi-fond memories of Alex as a Coug were substantially increased to very fond by his 27 of 40 for 399 yards and 5 touchdowns against the crapface huskies in the 2007 Apple Cup. In a game the Seattle Times called an “upset”…..(uhhhh WRONG, but to be fair Gregg Bell is an idiot along with most of the sports writers over there), Brink became the only quarterback to beat the huskies 3 times in his career. Basically, what I am saying is that one good Apple Cup (3 is preferable) is enough to make me love you……So take that to heart future Cougar quarterbacks, just win me Apple Cups and you will earn my awesome amounts of love and respect which are redeemable for nothing. So, hopefully Alex can take Houston by storm and earn himself a nice little roster spot…..but in a more likely scenario he will be dominating up north with our frozen Canadian friends with their big flopping heads and their beady little eyes. Always nice to see a Coug get taken in the draft, and the Seahawks signed Michael Bumpus to a free agent deal….so we got that going for us.

For Sale Authentic Game Worn Shaun Alexander Jersey!

April 24, 2008

                        Sometimes you just have to say goodbye and for the Seahawks and Shaun Alexander it was that time. The 30 year old running back, who some have likened to a 9 year old flower girl prancing daintily down the isle only to dive for cover into the pews when the photographer comes in for a close up shot, has been an integral piece of the puzzle for the Seahawks since the 2001 season (though he was with the team in 2000, he did not receive many carries). Shaun, who will always be etched into our hearts and minds as possibly the best statistical running back we will ever see in Seattle, was rumored to be on the chopping block since the end of last season. Oh there were good times…..but there were also lots of bad. Shaun has been plagued by injury since his MVP campaign in 2005 where he rushed for 1880 yards and 27 touchdowns. His nagging foot injuries and his tendency to crumble at the sight of any would be tackler have earned him a reputation as a huge huge wuss. The reputation is and was completely founded as he is a huge huge wuss. In spite of that, my memories of Shaun will be fond…..from his wide toothy grin, to the fact that he was separated at birth from his brothers Tiki and Ronde Barber. So goodbye Shaun…..thanks for playing and have fun with the Patriots where former MVP’s go to die. So where does that leave the Hawks? They acquired both T.J. Duckett a.k.a The Big Nothing and Julius Jones (who some people call and Alexander clone) in the off-season, but the draft is very running back heavy this year and in my humble opinion would be a perfect place for the Hawks to go with their 25th pick. A couple of names to watch for: Rashard Mendenhall out of Illinois who was once thought to be a late 1st round pick has been slowly creeping up the draft board and most likely won’t be there at the 25th pick, but a boy can dream eh? And a guy I am very very high on Jonathan Stewart out of Oregon. We have seen a lot of Stewart over the years and he has brought us great joy running for 251 yards against the stupid huskies in 2007….just awesome. Stewart runs hard and is happy to lower his shoulder on just about anybody which would be a nice change from watching Shaun lay down and die game after game. So we will see what they will do this weekend as the draft starts Saturday at 3 p.m. Eastern. So yeah….that is all….and stuff.