L-O-I day is dead, but we’re all left wanting…Sark’s “WOOF’S” echo in the distance, and the single 4-stars and multiple 3-stars we have pale in comparison to the 4- and 5-stars that have sadly diarrhea’d into the fax machine of the UW hopper. The rein of Pirate Leach, however, changes everything. Super-steals like Sam Jones & Gabriel Marks, and the retention of Taylor Taliulu show that CML is willing to flex his muscle whenever and wherever he needs to. Though it’s a Top 50 recruiting class, at best it doesn’t mean douche-crotch performance; I swear, we’re in bowl games this year and taking 3 of the next 4 Apple Cups is a hopeful chance…..not because we have better kids but because I know for a fact UW kids will take a frat level of mental and physical abuse to the point where they become the guys who either flame out and “smush a bush” or play like Jeremy Stevens and “eat rape for dinner”. So, here’s believing we can appreciate good news and coast to a hopeful 10 bowl bods in a row thanks to the Pirate Leach…….ARGGHHHH
Archive for the ‘Cougars’ Category
Oh Hai! I’m fresh off my monthly va-jazzling, but there’s no doubt it has been a while. Do you care? Of course you do, no doi. And so, I am here to announce STUFFANDTHINGS is back!! Thanks for being patient, and though I know only my Grammy and Pops care, you should know that there has been a major relocation of our HOMEBASE..and by HOMEBASE I mean the laptop on which I type right now. It has traveled far, without permission, and sometimes I think it might strangle me in my sleep….. but that’s so super ridiculous – if anyone strangles me it will be my loser wife. So here we are, outside Orlando…but I promise I still have perspective on Seattle sports! Well, at least as much as the half-ass fans that live there..BA-ZING!!!!! Go Sounders right??? They are the best! Kicking and passing and shit…. you’re all total fucks. Yup. We’re back.
Last night, I was conversing with a fellow Coug as a never-in-doubt loss to USC had us excited because, despite not winning, we weren’t being taken to the woodshed. He made a very insightful observation into the mind-frame of Cougar football fans; he said “the thing about Cougar fans is that no matter how bad we are, we can always find something to get excited about.” I found this to be an incredibly astute statement, and then spent the next 10 minutes analyzing my own attitude – my joy over holding USC scoreless for two quarters and only allowing seven points over three quarters was the kind of joy most fans only show in a blow-out victory or an upset over a ranked opponent……not to say I wouldn’t love to have beaten USC at home and really exposed a far-less-talented-than-usual trojan squad, but when you’ve been blown out by Hawaii and needed an overtime field goal to beat SMU, you set your expectations nice and low. And, for just a few minutes, the future looked incredibly bright with true freshman QB Jeff Teul throwing the ball all over the trojan defense….mostly to his favorite target, true freshman receiver Gino Simone. All in all, a loss is a loss, and did they look terrible at times…..but those small amounts of hope shone brightly in the minds of cougar fans, and THAT is what separates the Cougs from the rest….eternal hope and self-deprecating pessimism…not quite sure how those two co-exist….but it is what it is.
Well crap, I guess even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once and a while…stupid huskies….and thank the Lord that the blind, deaf, dumb, swine-flu-infected, product-of-incest squirrel that is the Washington State Cougar football team also managed to scare up a little meal. Since I am so devastated about the inaccuracy of my husky football team prediction from last weekend, I have decided to instead predict what this Saturday will look like for Husky (as in God’s full-figured little earth angels) people. These Huskies will wake up early, covered in post late-night Wendys garbage and feeling deeply saddened, but ready to make a change. They will have been stress-testing the fence that lies between fat and in-shape for far too long….. “TO THE GYM!!!!!” the Husky guy/girl will announce. Arriving at the gym in too-tight yoga clothes (girl)/a sleeveless muscle tee with a food stain on it (guy), they will head straight for the smoothie bar to grab a pre-workout drink. 45 minutes and 400 calories later, it’s “time to get their sweat on”…technically the walk to the car earlier lit that candle, but hey – nobody’s keeping track of these things. A nice 10 minutes on the treadmill for him/15 fart-filled minutes in hot yoga for her and confidence will be rising….”I could do this every day!”….rigggghhhhhtttt. Time for weight machines (free weights are hard on your joints right?) – 20 minutes lifting to the sweet, sweet sounds of Nickelback (him)/Beyonce (her…..oh, this leg extension is going to make someone want to “put a ring on it” NOW). Feeling strong, lean, and mean, it will be time for him/her to head home via the long route so as to avoid the Wendys drive thru…. good idea husky guy/gal….. a left on 32nd street and then home free! Oh CRAP……When did they put in that Taco Bell?! They are building NEW Taco Bells? Oh God…..must…..run…..for……border……..”Welcome to Taco Bell, may I take your order?”
Thus, in not-fat-but-not-skinny Purgatory he/she will remain. Fast Food Deliciousness-1 Husky Guy/Girl-0……..also UW-33 Stanford-28.
I’m happy to say that my prediction from last week was wrong. It must have been my rooting for the Cougs that turned the tide. WSU were able to win in overtime against a terrible SMU team that out gained them 504-276. How do you give up 504 yards to SMU!? But at least a national crisis of was averted. There wasn’t any more drinking or daubchery than what normally takes place in Pullman during a cougar game. And the Cougs got their win for the season. Yay.
This week, however, I don’t think they will be so lucky. They travel to southern California to take on a pissed-off USC team. I’m not sure if you heard about it, but last week USC lost to the Dawgs. Somehow, the Cougs are 8-56-4 against the Trojans. That’s a .143 winning percentage, folks. They shouldn’t even play this game. USC is getting back QB Matt Barkley and most likely All-American saftey Taylor Mays as well, while the Cougs have lost leading rusher James Montgomery for the season. I’m beginning to think that this just isn’t the Cougs year. But what year is ever the year of the Coug? 42-3 USC.
It seems like we haven’t been getting along lately and I am starting the get the feeling that you resent me for some reason. Is it because I have been thinking about going to the Moon and you don’t want me to see other planets? I heard about you taking Cougar running back James Montgomery out for the season….seriously World? What is your deal? Don’t you feel like you have done enough already? I mean the Cougs are 3-13 in their last 16 games…don’t you think you have taken a big enough dump on my sports life? This has to stop! I am unsure of my legal options at this point but I am assuming a restraining order is not out of the question. For now Planet, stay the hell out of my way and quit crapping on me……OR ELSE I am going to cut down the entire rainforest and start wasting all the natural resources I can! I am going to pave every inch of you! and dump dog poop in your oceans.
With all the disdain one man can possess and an aerosol can pointed straight at your ozone,
Just a week removed from giving up close to 500 yards of total offense to mighty Idaho Vandals, the huskies have the good fortune of facing a should-be division 1-AA team from southern California. The predictions that follow are basically fact, as my 6th sense is the ability to accurately predict husky football outcomes. The substantially less talented huskies will jump out to a quick 7-0 lead, and in a moment of pure coaching genius, coach Sarkisian will attempt an onside kick on the ensuing and recover the ball. With all the USC fans in the house stunned, Jake Locker steps under center ready to hopefully lead the huskies down field for his second touchdown of the day…..Suddenly, the zookeeper who had been using a magnetic force-field to hold back the 7 grizzly bears and 9 tigers he had been neglecting to feed for the last few weeks on the husky sideline dropped his force-field remote, releasing the 16 savage beasts….Have I mentioned that Jake Locker was wearing steak flavored football pants?….no? Well, Jake Locker, in a moment of pre-game poor judgment, went with the steak flavored pants to try and fire up his offensive linemen. With the blood thirsty woodland creatures free to feast and having eyes only for the man in the steak flavored pants, I don’t need to describe what happens next….but I probably should…..Jake takes the snap and notices one of the larger, more rabies-infested bears tearing towards him….he attempts to throw the football at the bear but over throws it by a good 15 yards leaving himself defenseless……and now armless as well. That’s when the rest of the bears and tigers get in on the feast…. Tragic, just tragic…..So, after cleaning up the carnage, the Trojans, who really, Jake Locker or not, will go on to score 112 unanswered points leading to our final score prediction! USC 112 – UW 7.
……..and a nice little treat for the Cougar fans:
Dear Senor Baynes,
I am an older child (25) from a small village outside the city of Seattle. I have enjoyed watching you play for the last few years and as a die-hard Cougar fan I would like to thank you for your contributions, both to Washington State University and to college basketball. I have also been incredibly fortunate to be considered by my friends (also huge cougar fans) to be your doppelganger (or twin for those of you who aren’t familiar with the doppelganger concept). Along with watching your amazing skills, this fact has added great joy to my watching of Cougar hoops. I receive uplifting phone calls and or text messages whenever “I” (you) make a great play, and just to keep the universe balanced, mean texts or phone calls when you commit fouls…..99% of which are garbage calls…Basketball is a physical game….if you weren’t meant to play rough they would have called it Letsholdhandsanddancearoundinafieldofflowersball. The reason for my correspondence (It’s a big word, I learned it at WSU…..Bella la Cougs) is to ask a favor: When an NBA team undoubtedly picks you up, I will be the first one running out to purchase your jersey (please no Oklahoma City Thunder…they suck and their unis are UGLY), but presently this is not an option. So my goal has become getting my hands on a game worn Aaron Baynes Washington State University Cougars basketball jersey, both to commemorate the amazing run of cougar hoops in the last few years and to remember this oddity that is our twinsy-ness that my friends find so amazing. I realize the second reason is intrinsically creepy and stalker-ish, but I assure you I am a somewhat normal (normalcy greatly exaggerated) human being. I mean, I’m a rabid cougar fan, so let’s just say I am as normal as possible as far as Cougar fans go. I am not asking for a handout, but as it turns out your jersey is a piece of Cougwear that is hard to come by. Trust me – I scoured the ebays and the Amazons, and all the entirety of the interwebs. I was hoping you could point me in the right direction as to how one might go about acquiring a genuine, game worn Aaron Baynes jersey. Price is not an issue, unless of course it’s ludicrously expensive….dude, I’m not made of money…..though if I was I would totally use the money that makes up my being to buy it….even if it meant I would no longer have my left arm that was made of $100 bills. So I am asking you – as a fellow Coug and a fellow “movie star good looks” having guy – please tell me how to nab your jersey….it would mean a lot to a group of your biggest fans and lifelong Cougs.
So, we have taken the time to archive all the posts from the last few months and if you missed them…..so your own fault. Since we have totally been posting everyday it is going to be so easy to get back into……I mean, stay in a rhythm. As we all know the last few months have been full of appallingly depressing sports moments involving our beloved sports franchises and college (take note of the singular “college”). While most in the greater Seattle area are lamenting all the things that have gone and are going wrong in every facet of local sports, there are some, namely me, who have been able to find a silver lining in this mess we call “local athletic activities and events”. In times such as these one ought not to throw stones, but to make an omelet you gotta break some eggs right (feel free to sprinkle in some other non-related clichés if you want)? Of course, the one small oasis in this desolate dessert we call home is the multi-sport futility of satan’s Alma matter, the university of washington (No Capitalization for you!). Sure, my beloved Cougs have shared a similar fate football wise with only one win this season against division 1-AA Portland State (a win is a win), but the Huskies, as of today, are winless in football, have already dropped their hoops season opener to the mighty Pilots of Portland and barely survived a second half meltdown against perennial powerhouse Cleveland State. At a time when everything else is going wrong you have to take time and smell some roses…whatever that means. Sure the fear of being known as the worst team in college football history looms heavily across this great Cougar nation of ours, but the possibility of keeping the huskies winless this weekend brings great hope and merriment to all WSU supporters (which should really be everyone, but people are inherently stupid and somehow missed that boat to Awesometown and/or Smartsville). Of course, just in case Saturday does not go as planned, Cougars 2 huskies 0, I will have my “we are a basketball school now” line in my holster, ready to draw.
The Cougar football season begins today!!! In an unprecedented ruling by the NCAA, the Washington State Cougars’ record has been reset to 0-0. Citing an ancient and incredibly obscure rule, the NCAA Collegiate Old Boys Club Tribunal discussed the controversial ruling by releasing this public statement: “My pappy once spun me a yarn about this here situation in paticular; I remember him him-hawing and jabbering on about ‘any team losing by 60 or more at home to an in-conference opponent shall get to begin the season anew, yeehaw a whooowee, as that is a severe whoopin (shoots guns in the air) and should never happen within conference…’ So, in accordance with my pappy’s wishes, we will comply with this here rule.”
The 0-0 Cougars have a fairly good chance of getting an opening week win on the road tonight against Baylor. In spite of Baylor’s best attempts to avoid the national powerhouse Cougs (who has ever heard of a Hurr-A-Cane?…sounds made up), the game will go on, only a day earlier than scheduled. The game kicks off at 5:30 tonight, and should be a real barn-burner, with preseason “Stuffandthingsblog Heisman Candidate” Kevin Lopina getting some snaps and the Cougars number one (in our hearts) ranked defense taking it to the Bears. So settle in, grab some delicious ice-cold popsicles, and have a grand old time watching the Cougs go out and win