The Single Most Important Letter in History?


Dear Mariners,

            I hope this letter finds you well…..I know it doesn’t, but I wish it did. Sure it seems like nothing has gone right (because nothing has gone right) this season and it’s time for drastic changes (it IS time for drastic changes), but I implore you, please do not give up on my man Robert Allen Dickey. I know his last 2 starts have been lamentable, giving up 12 runs in 5 1/3 innings combined, but he seems like a really nice guy and his hygiene is adequate to downright decent. I’d be a fool to think this alone cannot redeem him, but to be fair, you have given Jarrod Washburn all season to try and get it right, so why not do the same for R.A.? He has been stellar in relief, so we know he has big league stuff; it just hasn’t translated into quality starts. Sure, hearing him imply the weather may be doing a number on his knuckleball is a little disheartening for all of us, but since the weather is incredibly consistent and predictable around here (it’s not) it shouldn’t be a factor (it will be). The best thing for everyone at this point is to keep trolling his goofy mug out to the mound every 5th start and see what you have in him (we already know what we have in Batista, 10 pounds of monkey crap in a 5 pound bag). So in conclusion, Mariners, I think it’s high time you started taking my advice because clearly you are not mature or adult enough to make mature adult baseball decisions……whammy. So feel free to contact me at or just look for me in the stands…..I will be the one saying ‘boo’ (not boo-urns).


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