Archive for May, 2008

Crap Face Poop Mouth for Example See Below

May 30, 2008

                    If you had come up to me 2 weeks ago and said “Hey the Mariners are going to take 2 of 3 from the Red Sox and you are going to want to jump off a bridge” I would have said shut up, nu-uh, as if, and a slew of other magical two-word hip phrases……but as it turns out you would be correct.  And so now I ask you, can I borrow your future telling device and/or time machine? The source of this frustration is the truth made evident by a weekend spent with “Red Sox Nation”. The amount of alleged “Sawks” fans, who in reality just really liked the movie Fever Pitch, was astronomical at The Safe over the 3 games. Now I understand that baseball is meant to be enjoyed by everybody and that is fine…. But at least take the time to know one thing about the team who’s gear you spent $300 dollars on….I will even get you started…Jimmy Fallon does not play right field (sorry Fever Pitch fans), Daiske Matzusaka is not the manager, and they play in Fenway Park in Boston. I realize it is much easier to spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars on merchandise than it is to take the time to know something about the team you “root for” but a new policy has been implemented by the MLBFAABAFAA (Major League Baseball Fans Association of America by Americans for the Advancement of Americans). In order to own a teams hat, t-shirt, jersey, jersey t-shirt, flip flops, v-neck, sweater vest, v-neck sweater vest, or any of the other crap MLB has tricked you into buying (all pink version of the aforementioned items are to never be purchased as they are stupid), you must learn one thing about the team who’s crap you are buying, not including the city in which they play or their mascot. That’s it, simple and easy. And I for one am 100% in the MLBFAABAFAA’s corner on this one. If this is too much for you however, the MLBFAABAFAA is working on a new line of hip cool baseball gear tailored to the extremely casual baseball fan. If you go to games for the atmosphere pick up the hip new “I am here for the Atmosphere” jersey from Majestic. Or perhaps you just really enjoy having a good time…well then the new “I support the having of good times” baseball cap from New Era is all the rage. These products are excellent for those of you who refuse to learn even one player from your teams starting line-up and they have something to fit anyone’s budget and taste. The two hottest selling items so far have been the “I like team A because my cousin once stayed in city A for 2 weeks one summer but I also like Team B” pink jersey t-shirt (also from Majestic) And of course the classic “I don’t care about either of these teams I just enjoy being outside and wanted to pay $60 to do so,” which comes in a hat and matching t-shirt. So don’t fret, uber casual fan of the game, you won’t be quizzed on what stadium you “favorite team” plays in, we just ask that you police yourself.

It’s Uncomfortable, But Sitting on the Fence is the Safest Place to Be

May 29, 2008

                          It has become abundantly clear to me, after the Mariners took 2 of 3 from the Red Sox; the time to hedge my bets is now. In the spirit of fence sitting I have issued this official statement…..”I believe in the Mariners…I believe they will lose 100 games and I also believe they will make the playoffs”. I am sure some of you are incredibly confused so I will bre bre bre break it down for ya’ll. If in 3 months the Mariners are somehow miraculously in the playoff picture in Major League baseball I want to make sure everyone knows that I have been on board since the beginning and I will have them reference the “I believe the will make it to the playoffs” part of my official statement. Then the more likely scenario, if they have lost close to 100 games and people are all saying “you totally thought they were going to make the playoffs” I will say no I didn’t and I will have them reference the “I believe they will lose 100 games” piece of my official statement. You see, what I have done here is incredibly ingenious….it is the quintessential example of having my cake and eating it too. Its win win….the Mariners suck…I am covered……the Mariners make an unthinkable run to the post season…..covered. I am the ultimate prognosticator and I cannot lose. So just in case, I will ask that you each save 2 copies of this article…….one with all the “Mariners suck” parts clipped out and the other with all the “Mariners are making the playoffs” parts clipped out. Then when the time comes I will instruct you which file you should open and re-read as proof of my ultimate sports predicting abilities so I can say “see i was right” and stuff…….So yea…..make those copies.

An Interview With the Boy Who Hit the Unhittable

May 23, 2008

                     The effects of Jon Lester’s no hitter have been widespread, and to gauge those effects in the sports world we secured former baseball superstar, all around neat guy, and self proclaimed Huguenot (whatever that is) Pete “Pillow Hands” Jendro, who torched Lester in a High School baseball game……here is that interview.

 

(JackEliiotsMustache) What are the details surrounding your face off with Jon Lester?

(Pillow Hands) I was a senior outfielder for Gig Harbor and Lester was a sophomore pitcher for Bellarmine Prep.

 

(JEM) As a person who has gotten a hit or hits off Lester what was your reaction to his no hitter?

 

(PH) I was happy for the kid…how do you not root for an individual who had to battle cancer?

 

(JEM) What was the most memorable part of getting hits off Lester? And, at the time, did you know someday he would overcome cancer and throw a no hitter? If so…how did facing a future cancer survivor affect your at bat?

 

(PH) Getting on base…yes I did in fact know that he would eventually have to overcome cancer but I didn’t think it would be my place to tell him…that is Gods duty.

 

(JEM) Do you feel like you could still get a hit off Lester? And if so, had you been playing for the Royals Monday, night would you have broken up his no hitter?

 

(PH) No I do not think that I could get a hit off of him but I could bunt and that is how I would have ruined the mans no hitter…then I would have stole all three bases to score and win the game 1-0.

 

(JEM) If you could change anything about your at bats against Lester what would it be?

 

(PH) I would turn all of my at bats into homeruns where the outfielder got just close enough to the ball to run into the fence like Aaron Rowand…but not catch it!

 

(JEM) Are you entertaining offers from any teams? Has your phone been ringing off the hook?

 

(PH) I am in talks with the Montreal Expos every single day…they think I can be the face of their franchise moving forward.

 

(JEM) If reached for comment what would Lester say about your guys’ match up which you so clearly dominated?

 

(PH) Lester would ask who the hell I was…and who you were.

 

(JEM) What kind of opportunities have materialized for you since your recent fame as the “boy who hit off the un-hittable”?

 

(PH) I have my own line of underwear that says “I can hit that!”

(JEM) Have you thought about making the rounds at card shows and memorabilia signings? If so do you have anything you want to plug?

 

(PH) I haven’t done any card shows and no I don’t have anything that I want to PLUG…seriously?

 

(JEM) You have been quoted as saying you “absolutely lit up that piece of junk pitcher Jon Lester whom I own”? Any comments?

 

(PH) I think those comments speak for themselves…and if they don’t then eat $%&*

 

(JEM) At what point were your Major League dreams derailed and have you attempted a come back since the Lester no hitter?

 

(PH) My major league dreams derailed when I graduated from high school and met people like you…but that’s coo I make five figures!

 

(JEM) Pick the statement that best reflects your feelings towards Jon Lester….”I experience male crush dude fantasies about him on a regular basis….like at least 3 times a week” or “He makes me feel like I am the only person in the world that matters to him and that is why someday I hope the state of Washington will allow us to finally be married”?

 

(PH) Neither one of those comments…stop trying to make me gay!

 

(JEM) Thanks for your time and good luck in your future endeavors

 

So here is to hoping another former local star has great success so we can find people who were better than them in High School so we can exploit that!!

Rationalizing My Laziness

May 19, 2008

                       Message to all friends: In an effort to stave off the inevitable staleness that occurs from an everyday blog with a very small readership I will only be posting once every 2 or 3 days. I apologize if this makes you angry, mad, or even sad, but this should add to the overall quality of the posts and will allow me to be nice and lazy. If you are interested in posting a story or writing every once in a while please contact me at jackelliotsmustache@gmail.com .

Breaking News From 2006

May 16, 2008

                        I have been up burning the midnight oil to bring you this incredibly late breaking news story……Harold Reynolds is innocent. After some pretty serious investigitative journalism (Google searching) I have put together an iron clad defense for why Harold Reynolds could not be guilty of sexual harassment for which he was fired from ESPN on July 25th 2006. The incident involved a woman at ESPN and a “hug” that was “misinterpreted”. You may be wondering why someone would go back and drudge up all the hurt people suffered over the Roldy firing….it is because I am a pursuer of truth and I will not rest until justice is served. So on to the million dollar question, what is this bullet proof defense? ……drum roll please……….Harold Reynolds was not guilty of sexual Harassment because………..it is physically impossible for a human to not enjoy a  hug from Harold Reynolds. That’s right I plan to go in front of a judge and prove beyond a shadow of a doubt the sheer huggability of my client (Mr. Reynolds). “Ladies and gentleman of the jury” I will say “come receive hugs from this man and tell me under oath that you didn’t enjoy it” and they wont be able to do it because some of the side effects of Harold Reynolds’ hugs are excessive smiling, a sense of incredible joy, the inability to tell a lie and loosely defined sexual harassment is “unwanted sexual advances” thus is could not be sexual harassment because all Harold Reynolds’ hugs are wanted by all humans all the time. Which brings me to my final point…..the “woman” in question claimed it was an unwanted hug, well by the definition of “Harold Reynolds Hugs” (as defined by Websters New Words Dictionary) this is an impossibility, so clearly she is not human and is a robot. Her robot brain was clearly overloaded with the human emotion of ‘joy” and since she cannot feel (Johnny 5 is not alive) it fried her mother board and caused her to go into “sexual harassment sequence #5 beep boop boop beep”. This country has never found in favor of a robot…..it is just un-American so in lieu of all this evidence Mr. Reynolds is to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, the rights to all things ESPN, and ummmm make him an honorary Rhodes Scholar too.

 

*Editors Note*

When the Stuff and Things legal team attempted to contact Mr. Reynolds to discuss this he was unavailable. Who knew he wouldn’t be listed in the phone book, what a bunch of crap.

Doggie Pictures and Harold Reynolds Was Innocent

May 15, 2008

               I don’t want to live in a world where “responsibilities” and “having a real job” get in the way of my hobbies and time wastings….but apparently I don’t have choice….and this is one of those days enjoy the above picture (Talking dogs? Hillarious!) for that is all you will get from me today…you vultures.

Good Company Does Not Make Up for Crappy Movie

May 14, 2008

                             SPOILER ALERT!!!!!….It sucked. Made of honor, starring some dude from some T.V. doctor show and some girl from some other stuff, was another crappy movie in a long line of crappy break-up-the-wedding-cause-you-want-her movies. This movie was flawed all the way down to the stupid title of the movie……I mean is there anything less honorable than stealing someone else’s bride in the middle of their wedding? This movie was also painted bloggers in a very unkind light because apparently its “weird” and “creepy” to write obsessively on a subject you have a loose affiliation with (at best). Whatever stupid movie…..you were awful.  This movie operated within a long stale genre where only 2 outcomes are possible: either he gets the girl or he doesn’t. Being the Hollywood genius I am, I have decided that the key to a billion dollar movie is to come up with a 3rd and/or 4th possible conclusion to these style of movies. Here are some possible ideas:

 

1. So the dude is running to the church to steal the bride away from the other dude that she is marrying and, as he walks up to the church, the bride looks out the window just in time to see him get hit by a bus and die. She then feels somewhat responsible and devotes her whole life to bringing him back from the dead and, when she finally does, he is this hybrid human/super zombie who runs for president or something.

 

 2. The dude shows up at the church and tells the bride how he feels and the groom is all mad (raarrrrrrr), so them she takes stock of all that’s going on in her life and decides she is much happier alone because clearly she shouldn’t be marrying anyone if she is at her wedding and contemplating switching guys. She goes on to live a life dedicated to the pursuit of bringing people back from the dead…and when she finally succeeds, they turn into hybrid human/super zombies that all join together to form a minor league baseball team which makes the playoffs for the first time in 50 years….or something.

 

3. Alright, so the guy wanting to marry the lady who is marrying someone else (small recap so you don’t loose your frame of reference) shows up at the wedding and is all like “ooh baby I love you so much you should be marrying me cause I love you and stuff,” but then the other guy will be all like “but baby I love you and we spent all this money on this wedding and stuff so I think you should marry me,” and then she will be all like “hey why don’t we just become polygamists and you can both marry me,” and then they all live happily ever after as polygamist scientists who research the possibilities of resurrecting people from the dead……But, then they realize that it won’t work because that’s stupid and they realize their whole lives have been a waste….So, they become hybrid human/super zombies who travel to elementary schools and tell kids not to do drugs and waste their lives on trying to bring people back from the dead…..and they also perform yo yo tricks. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stupid Baseball

May 13, 2008

                      What a magical fun filled, spring spectacular crap fest. The Mariners and Texas Rangers battled through 10 innings last night as the Rangers came out on top 13-12, capped by a walk off homerun by former Mariner, and awesomely-mustached man-lover, Ramon Vazquez. The M’s started out by scorching Ranger starter Vicente Padilla for a 5 run first, highlighted by a Raul Ibanez 2 run jack. Then came the roller coaster, as Texas touched M’s ace Eric Bedard for 6 earned runs in just 2 full innings of work (he started the third but decided not to get anyone out and was pulled). The Rangers started the third with back-to-back blastos by resident bad boy Milton Bradley and the Redeemed one Josh “Hambone” Hamilton. This served as the catylyst for a four run third inning. To be honest, once it was tied I figured it was over……But oh no; the M’s scrapped for one in the sixth to get the game tied before surrendering 4 in the seventh to go down 10-6. Now it’s over right? Wrong…..the M’s go out and grab 2 in the eighth, and then, just like my Mainer gameday ready brain expected, they gave them right back in the bottom of the eigth. So, now it’s over and the Mariners lose anoth…..Wrong again as they scrambled for 4 runs in the top of the 9th (my favorite half inning for the M’s this season), with Kenji Johjimas 3 run wakka-doobie as the marquee play. With momentum on their side, one might begin to believe that the M’s could use this roller coaster of a game as a jump-off to finally get this season turned around and then WHAMMMMMY………stupid Ramon Vazquez blasts one to right and ends the game….So what did we learn from all of this? Don’t let the M’s get your hopes up with good baseball because they are just going to turn around and poop all over themselves in the end.  

Worst Weekend Ever

May 12, 2008

               Let’s just go ahead and say that this weekend I was not lucky enough to watch and/or focus on anything sports. (Insert frowny face here.) So, hopefully I can catch some sports or participate in some sports-themed activities this week so that I can then make some super snarky, sarcastic comments about them and make myself feel good.

Richie Sexson Eats Lightning and He Craps Thunder!

May 9, 2008

                     For the Mariners, this season is in the toilet; but, in a pugilistic firestorm, Richie Sexson fished the nutty turd of a season out of the old porcelain bowl….at least for one night. Just when you didn’t think big Richie could be any more stupid, he does something like this…….and totally redeems himself. Sexson came to bat in the bottom of the fourth with two outs when Rangers pitcher Kason Gabbard decided it was a good idea to throw a pitch up and in on the Richster….bad idea. In an act of child-like frustration Richie decided he’d had enough and it was time to light this candle. Charging the mound like a man possessed, big Richie decided the right thing to do was to throw his helmet into Gabbard’s back…..and I couldn’t agree with him more. The rest of the fracas was tame even by baseball standards, but the initial “Helmet Throw Heard Round the World”® (that’s right I trademarked it) was enough to get my (until this point) comatose heart to pulse with testorone-induced joy (and probobaly some blood or something, I’m not quite sure what hearts really even do). I have decided – and don’t you be all “its not even

up to you,” ’cause yea, it is – that this year will now be dedicated to turning Safeco Field, and any stadium the M’s visit, into the circus of all circus’ (circusies?). Here are my top 3 ideas for how to go about this process:

 

Since every Jarrod Washburn start is an inevitable loss anyway, I have

decided he shall pitch highly intoxicated and dressed as the Mariner Moose or a pirate (either way, it should be funny).

 

Since the front office insists on keeping Miguel Cairo on the team, we are going to put him to good use. Since no one knows who he is, Cairo will wear the opposing team’s uniform and will somehow sneak into their starting lineup. He will, of course, play as hard as he can, which will not only give the M’s a better chance to win (he sucks) but

it will also be a good way for him to get some playing time.

 

Ah, and le piece de la resistance (I think that means the best one…which in this  case isn’t even true….I really like the first one…can you imagine Washburn all soused in a pirate costume trying to pitch with a hook hand? Hilarious!)…..It is my decree that if the Mariners have not scored by the fourth inning, the guy with the giant

Beltre head-on-a-stick that’s at every game will take the place of Adrian on the field, and Beltre will head to the stands holding a giant head-on-a-stick of that guy (and the giant head-on-a-stick of that guy is to be holding a smaller version of a Richie Sexson

head-on-a-stick). I figure this will get me through every game, as it is almost a certainty the Mariners won’t score again for the rest of the season.