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ARRGG>WOOF

February 2, 2012

L-O-I day is dead, but we’re all left wanting…Sark’s “WOOF’S” echo in the distance, and the single 4-stars and multiple 3-stars we have pale in comparison to the 4- and 5-stars that have sadly diarrhea’d into the fax machine of the UW hopper. The rein of Pirate Leach, however, changes everything. Super-steals like Sam Jones & Gabriel Marks,  and the retention of Taylor Taliulu show that CML is willing to flex his muscle whenever and wherever he needs to. Though it’s a Top 50 recruiting class, at best it doesn’t mean douche-crotch performance; I swear, we’re in bowl games this year and taking 3 of the next 4 Apple Cups is a hopeful chance…..not because we have better kids but because I know for a fact UW kids will take a frat level of mental and physical abuse to the point where they become the guys who either flame out and “smush a bush” or play like Jeremy Stevens and “eat rape for dinner”. So, here’s believing we can appreciate good news and coast to a hopeful 10 bowl bods in a row thanks to the Pirate Leach…….ARGGHHHH

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Romeo=Me,Juliet=Hockey…….Except We Can Be Together

April 23, 2010

Dear Hockey,

             I know that we have never been close, but I used to play you in the street when I was a child. I was pretty decent, but cars always came and we would have to stop playing and that was super annoying. Though I am now far-removed from those halcyon days of my youth, with a pothole-filled road in my rear view I have reached a state of enlightenment that only comes with age and experience. I have been awakened to the possibilities of becoming a fan of you (not a player, because that would be devastating for all involved and I’m pretty sure rollerblades have a weight limit).

I am becoming a man who is evolving into a devotee of what you bring to the table. I have learned to appreciate some of your finer points, from the tranquil grace of zamboni breaks to the savage artistry of your bone-rattling hits…..also I like the punching of other dudes in the face…superb. I guess my purpose in writing you this letter is to provide a mea culpa of sorts. I have been burdened with the guilt of spurning your advances for so many years that my love affair with you in recent months has seemed almost bittersweet. BUT NO LONGER……Hockey, I love you! I am not saying that this is forever but it is for now; and maybe that’s good enough. I hope we are at a place where we can spend time together, getting to know each others’ strengths and faults, and exploring what could be an epic affair that tests the limits of space, time, and the love a man can have with a sport. Until those fat cats in Washington get their crap together, we obviously can’t be “together” in the eyes of the world, but that is of little consequence…..we know what we have and what this could become.

So, I come to you on bended knee, Hockey…..won’t you take me in your gentle yet robust arms and hold me close? Show me all your secrets and allow me to love you in spite of my past neglect of you. Also, if you could make the Canucks win Lord Stanley’s Cup that would be pretty cool of you……

With a love that cannot be measured with any known equation,

JackElliotsMoustache

P.S. Your brother Lacrosse is a total douche…please don’t bring him to my friend’s birthday party this weekend.

What to do With Fister, Snell, and Vargas ? or !

April 22, 2010

As it stands currently, the decision of which pitcher gets replaced in the Mariners starting rotation when Cliff Lee comes back will be made April 30th, which just happens to be the day of his first start. Going into writing this post, I wanted to show why Doug Fister should be the one who loses his spot, because everyone is so high on him right now…..as it turns out, it is one tough task to discount The Fister.

The choice Wak will have to make is between Doug Fister, Jason Vargas, or Ian Snell. On the surface, it’s a no brainer: Ian Snell has had a much tougher time pitching this season, so we send him to the pen so as not to lose him. Digging in a little deeper, this may be the right call based on more than just a surface level glance. I am going to go out on a limb and assume all three guys would struggle in unfriendly ball parks (with Vargas most likely being a little more successful),  so I am going to base my thoughts on how they do and will pitch in Safeco.

 Doug Fister is truly built to pitch in Safeco Field. The guy is a ground ball pitcher, and with that defense behind him in a bigger than average park he has been and stands to be very productive at home. The starts he has had this year have been fantastic, and I think it has made this decision all the harder. He is a tougher nut to crack projection-wise, because his big league body of work is just too small a sample-size to really gain any substantial information from.  Moving on to Snell and Vargas….. These two are similar statistically: they both give up more fly balls than ground balls, they throw similar pitches at a similar frequency (with Vargas having the benefit of a true “out pitch”), and they both project to win about 8 games this season. Snell has more heat on his fastball (and in my opinion has a higher upside), but is more volatile. So, based on these facts I choose……crap.

I have truly failed in my intention of presenting a clear-cut pitcher to drop. I have no more idea what to do than I did an hour ago. If I were in a situation where I had to make the call right now or someone would shoot my cats, the cats would die; not just because I couldn’t make a decision, but because I WOULDN’T make a decision – those little bastards just love to pee on the carpet and on my clothes, so go ahead, shoot ’em. A friend much smarter than I suggested a sort of “rotating door” starter position, where the right guy for the job is called in based upon the opposition…. and that works for me. As she said, the Mariners are all about “outside the box” thinking, so why not? I know I was only going to focus on how they would do at Safeco, but the idea of the flexible rotation has me daydreaming of home-game-only pitching Fister, who relies so heavily on our fantastic defense and on Safeco field which helps him out a ton, and while on the road, choosing between Vargas and Snell based on the opponent as a temporary solution. All in all, this is an awesome problem to have, because we’ll be plugging Cliff Lee into the rotation and getting to see the monster that is the best one-two-punch in baseball start to devour townspeople and what not.

Of course, we will most likely be revisiting this when Bedard gets back, so this about as temporary as temporary gets. To conclude this arduous journey, I have accepted the idea that was presented to me before I really even starting looking into it. Sweet waste of time.

Also, to anyone out there who might know someone who is into the whole “make a decision or I shoot your cats” type of thing, please have them email me….. those jerks have got to go.

Football Embarrassment Video Thursday/Friday

October 1, 2009

Classic Phil! Also, possibly the greatest video featuring the line “I like to Ram it as you can see, nobody likes ramming as much as me”.

Cougar Predictions from a Husky Fan

September 25, 2009

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I’m happy to say that my prediction from last week was wrong.  It must have been my rooting for the Cougs that turned the tide.  WSU were able to win in overtime against a terrible SMU team that out gained them 504-276.  How do you give up 504 yards to SMU!? But at least a national crisis of was averted.  There wasn’t any more drinking or daubchery than what normally takes place in Pullman during a cougar game.  And the Cougs got their win for the season.  Yay.

This week, however, I don’t think they will be so lucky.  They travel to southern California to take on a pissed-off USC team.  I’m not sure if you heard about it, but last week USC lost to the Dawgs. Somehow, the Cougs are 8-56-4 against the Trojans.  That’s a .143 winning percentage, folks.  They shouldn’t even play this game.  USC is getting back QB Matt Barkley and most likely All-American saftey Taylor Mays as well, while the Cougs have lost leading rusher James Montgomery for the season.  I’m beginning to think that this just isn’t the Cougs year.  But what year is ever the year of the Coug?  42-3 USC.

Husky Predictions From a Cougar Fan

September 18, 2009

wootERS

Just a week removed from giving up close to 500 yards of total offense to mighty Idaho Vandals, the huskies have the good fortune of facing a should-be division 1-AA team from southern California. The predictions that follow are basically fact, as my 6th sense is the ability to accurately predict husky football outcomes. The substantially less talented huskies will jump out to a quick 7-0 lead, and in a moment of pure coaching genius, coach Sarkisian will attempt an onside kick on the ensuing and recover the ball. With all the USC fans in the house stunned, Jake Locker steps under center ready to hopefully lead the huskies down field for his second touchdown of the day…..Suddenly, the zookeeper who had been using a magnetic force-field to hold back the 7 grizzly bears and 9 tigers he had been neglecting to feed for the last few weeks on the husky sideline dropped his force-field remote, releasing the 16 savage beasts….Have I mentioned that Jake Locker was wearing steak flavored football pants?….no? Well, Jake Locker, in a moment of pre-game poor judgment, went with the steak flavored pants to try and fire up his offensive linemen. With the blood thirsty woodland creatures free to feast and having eyes only for the man in the steak flavored pants, I don’t need to describe what happens next….but I probably should…..Jake takes the snap and notices one of the larger, more rabies-infested bears tearing towards him….he attempts to throw the football at the bear but over throws it by a good 15 yards leaving himself defenseless……and now armless as well. That’s when the rest of the bears and tigers get in on the feast…. Tragic, just tragic…..So, after cleaning up the carnage, the Trojans, who really, Jake Locker or not, will go on to score 112 unanswered points leading to our final score prediction! USC 112 – UW 7.

……..and a nice little treat for the Cougar fans:

SPACE KABOOM!

Cougar Predictions From A Husky Fan

September 18, 2009

cougs

Being a Husky fan, I almost revel in the cougars sucking.  However, at this point I almost feel bad for them.  I mean, this week they are 6 point underdogs to SMU.  To SMU!  This is a team that went 1-11 last year and probably represents the cougs best chance of winning a game this season.  I think at this point if they lose this game, WSU might consider just canceling the rest of the season.  The coaches, players and especially the fans just need a break from all the heartache.  I know cougar fans relish being the loveable losers in the state, but I’m a little worried about what this loss might do to their psyche. Their depression might start spilling over into other areas of their lives and they might start drinking even more and having random sex with even more people, however impossible that might sound.  So, this week, although it goes against all my principles, I will be rooting for the cougars to win, if only to save the world from what might happen if they don’t.  Final score prediction: 28-20 SMU.

Viva La Stuff Andthinglios!!

September 14, 2009

AWWW yeah! Holy hell, holy hell……..Inconceivably, it seems that we are somewhat back. No, we aren’t going to live-blog Monday Night Football games, because I hate NFL football…… especially when it doesn’t involve my hometown team or my fantasy team doing well (eat my balls, Chargers). But seriously, folks….I think we are back. As big Cougar football fans, we have SO MUCH to look forward to; hope fills our nostrils with its skanky stench (www.firepaulwulff.wordpress.com)……but really – college football seems “neat” this year. (What the hell are you doing Phillip Rivers? I am going to eat your children.) I just can’t wait to see what happens in the PAC-10! Also, PLEASE SHUT UP Steve Young. I think this year will be huge for stuffandthings…..we have diverse writers (3 well-educated and affluent white guys) and better perspective (we are at the same place we were last year, though we are thinking of starting a podcast like every other douche that thinks he has something awesome to say) and more support from friends & family……or something. So, lift up your dresses, grab your sacs, and love the ride….get ready for really crappy coverage of the state of Washington’s dismal sports. (And seriously, Phillip; I will eat your children.)

Why They Are Going to Suck – Brewers Edition

April 9, 2009

Next up in the aggravatingly boring National League Central is the team formerly known as the Seattle Pilots.  Many of you already know this, but in 1969 Bud Selig “acquired in bankruptcy court” (meaning stole from a poor soul who was having trouble making ends meet) Seattle’s Major League Baseball franchise and promptly moved them to Milwaukee.  Bud then changed the name to the Brewers to better take advantage of the city’s rich cultural history of beer brewers and drinkers.  He used Milwaukeeians’ love for beer in the same way he used players love for being the best and cheating to get there, to make more money.  More than 40 years later, he claimed that he had done all he could to rid baseball of steroids when it was in MLB’s financial interest to let Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa “save” baseball after the ’94 strike.  You can see the slight conflict of interest there.  While Bud is no longer the owner of the Brewers, let be known that it was in Milwaukee where he began his conniving ways. 

sausage-raceMilwaukee is doing it’s best to challenge Miami as the fattest city in the nation.  Not only do the people of Milwaukee enjoy a cool refreshing beer, one of their most beloved events is the between-inning sausage race around Miller Park.  What better way to promote good health than to watch 5 people dressed up as types of meat run around, trying not to fall down.  Fun fact: after every Brewer home run, their mascot, Bernie Brewer slides a yellow plastic slide.  He could just take the stairs but he’s too hefty for that, too much of a work out.  And which Brewers player led the team in home runs last year? Prince Fielder, who is not a small man but is a big fan of donuts.  prince_fielderMilwaukee certainly has an attraction to great, big fat people.

Last year, the Brewers made the playoffs for the first time since 1982, but it’s going to be a rough summer this time around.  They should be decent offensively, if Prince can stop drooling over those delectable pastries, but their rotation is going to be terrible.  Their top two pitchers from the end of last year, CC Sabathia and Ben Sheets, are no longer with the team.  After Yovani Gallardo, they have Dave Bush, Jeff Suppan and Braden Looper.  Ouch.  They seem to have an affinity for Cardinals’ cast offs.  Let’s hope they don’t sign Jeff Weaver anytime soon. 

brewers-mascotFinal prediction:  Nothing is going to save the team from this terrible rotation which, in turn, will drive the Milwaukee faithful to drink even more.  But, Brewer Fans, the Brew Crew will hit a lot of home runs, so get used to seeing this guy in your drunken stupor.

MARINERS PREDICTION SHOW…BAPPA BAAA BAAPPPEEE BAAAA

April 6, 2009

images-pic-tee_liqb-19151-seattle-mariners-v-dye-posters1

I know it’s hard to tear your eyes away from this glorious t-shirt but below is the Mariners prediction show…..BAPPA BAAA BAAPPAAAAA BAAA. So enjoy, and if you are a participant…do you really think the Mariners are going to be that good? Plbbbbbbbtttttt. So sit back, relax and enjoy some King Felix dishing tonight.

Wins and Losses 

Oil Can McDuck – 78-84

Jackelliotsmustache – 74-88

Double L – 78-84

Curious Case of BJ Upton – 77-85

Gary Old-Man – 71-91

The Jender Bender – 62-100

Ol’ Gibbage – 85-77

Harold Is Back – 85-77

 

Projected Starting Rotation

Oil Can McDuck – Felix, Bedard, Silva, Washburn, Morrow

Jackelliotsmustache – Felix, Bedard, Silva, Washburn, Morrow

Double L – Felix, Bedard, Morrow, Roland-Smith, Silva

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Felix, Bedard, Roland-Smith, Silva, Washburn

Gary Old-Man – Felix, Bedard, Washburn, Morrow, Silva

The Jender Bender –Felix “the cat”, Bedard, Silva, Washburn, Miggy

Ol’ Gibbage – Felix, Bedard, Silva, Morrow, Rowland-Smith (on a side note Washburn is a joke)

Harold Is Back – Felix, Bedard, Washburn, Silva, Roland-Smith

 

All Stars 

Oil Can McDuck – Ichiro, Beltre

Jackelliotsmustache – Ichiro, Beltre

Double L – Ichiro, Felix, Yuni

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Guitierrez

Gary Old-Man – Morrow

The Jender Bender – Ichiro

Ol’ Gibbage – Beltre, Felix, Ichiro, Griffey

Harold Is Back – Felix, Ichiro, Yuni

 

Felix’s Record

Oil Can McDuck – 14-8

Jackelliotsmustache – 16-9

Double L – 16-10

Curious Case of BJ Upton – 13-7

Gary Old-Man – 18-11

The Jender Bender – 11-10

Ol’ Gibbage – 19-9

Harold Is Back – 21-3

 

Griffey’s Line (AVG, HR, RBI)

Oil Can McDuck – .260, 25, 87

Jackelliotsmustache – .245, 26, 80

Double L – .273, 31, 108

Curious Case of BJ Upton – .260, 18, 58

Gary Old-Man – .303, 28, 92

The Jender Bender – .245, 21, 60

Ol’ Gibbage – .278, 28, 90

Harold Is Back – .273, 37, 83

 

Griffey’s Starts in the Outfield

Oil Can McDuck – 10

Jackelliotsmustache – 22

Double L – 16

Curious Case of BJ Upton – 10

Gary Old-Man – 42

The Jender Bender –24

Ol’ Gibbage – 163

Harold Is Back – 20

 

Jose Lopez Opening Day Weight

Oil Can McDuck – 215

Jackelliotsmustache – 210

Double L – 215

Curious Case of BJ Upton – 210

Gary Old-Man – 213

The Jender Bender –215

Ol’ Gibbage – 225

Harold Is Back – 200

 

Everyday Starter to Get Injured First

Oil Can McDuck – Russell Branyan

Jackelliotsmustache – Mike Sweeny

Double L – Johjima

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Washburn

Gary Old-Man – Yuniesky

The Jender Bender – Griffey

Ol’ Gibbage – Hopefully Yuniesky

Harold Is Back – Beltre

 

Team Leader in Wins (and number of)

Oil Can McDuck – Bedard/Felix (14)

Jackelliotsmustache – Felix (16)

Double L – Felix (16)

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Felix (13)

Gary Old-Man – Bedard (20)

The Jender Bender – Felix (11)

Ol’ Gibbage – Felix (19)

Harold Is Back – Felix (21)

 

Team Leader in AVG (and number)

Oil Can McDuck – Ichiro (.332)

Jackelliotsmustache – Ichiro (.335)

Double L – Ichiro (.334)

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Ichiro (.310)

Gary Old-Man – Ichiro (.321)

The Jender Bender –Ichiro (.311)

Ol’ Gibbage – Ichiro (.335)

Harold Is Back – Ichiro (.342)

 

Team Leader in HR (and number of)

Oil Can McDuck – Griffey (25)

Jackelliotsmustache – Beltre (35)

Double L – Griffey (31)

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Beltre (27)

Gary Old-Man – Beltre (35)

The Jender Bender – Beltre (28)

Ol’ Gibbage – Beltre (38)

Harold Is Back – Beltre (30)

 

Team Leader in Hits (and number of)

Oil Can McDuck – Ichiro (215)

Jackelliotsmustache – Ichiro (217)

Double L – Ichiro (231)

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Ichiro (220)

Gary Old-Man – Ichiro (202)

The Jender Bender –Ichiro (200)

Ol’ Gibbage – Ichiro (212)

Harold Is Back – Ichiro (210)

 

Team Leader in RBIs (and number of)

Oil Can McDuck – Beltre (98)

Jackelliotsmustache – Beltre (105)

Double L – Griffey (108)

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Lopez (90)

Gary Old-Man – Beltre (108)

The Jender Bender –Beltre (102)

Ol’ Gibbage – Beltre (128)

Harold Is Back – Griffey (83)

 

Team Leader in Errors (and number of)

Oil Can McDuck – Yuniesky (21)

Jackelliotsmustache – Yuniesky (20)

Double L – Yuniesky (18)

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Yuniesky (15)

Gary Old-Man – Yuniesky (22)

The Jender Bender – Lopez (23)

Ol’ Gibbage – Yuniesky (20)

Harold Is Back – Lopez (15)

 

Month of Griffey’s First Trip to the DL

Oil Can McDuck – June

Jackelliotsmustache – July

Double L – August

Curious Case of BJ Upton – May

Gary Old-Man – June

The Jender Bender –June

Ol’ Gibbage – Not Gonna Happen

Harold Is Back – Not Going to Happen

 

First Mariner Win of the Season (Date, Opponent, and Score)

Oil Can McDuck – April 6th, Minnesota, 4-1

Jackelliotsmustache – April 6th, Minnesota, 3-0

Double L – April 6th, Minnesota, 5-3

Curious Case of BJ Upton – April 6th, Minnesota, 6-4

Gary Old-Man – April 7th, Minnesota, 4-3

The Jender Bender –April 8th, Minnesota, 10-7 

Ol’ Gibbage – April 6th, Minnesota, 3-2

Harold Is Back – April 6th, Minnesota, 5-3

 

Number of Games Where Bedard Goes More Than 5 Innings

Oil Can McDuck – 18

Jackelliotsmustache – 19

Double L – 14

Curious Case of BJ Upton – 12

Gary Old-Man – 15

The Jender Bender –10

Ol’ Gibbage – 20

Harold Is Back – 8

 

Where Clement Will Get Most of His Starts

Oil Can McDuck – Catcher

Jackelliotsmustache – Catcher

Double L – 1B

Curious Case of BJ Upton – DH

Gary Old-Man – Seattle (Cheater! But chances are a winner none the less)

The Jender Bender –Catcher

Ol’ Gibbage – Catcher

Harold Is Back – 1B

 

First Mariner Minor Leaguer to be Called Up

Oil Can McDuck – Garrett Olson (P)

Jackelliotsmustache – Michael Saunders (OF)

Double L – Matt Tuiasisopo

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Chris Shelton

Gary Old-Man – Bryan LaHair

The Jender Bender –Mike Sweeny

Ol’ Gibbage – Matt Tuiasisopo (When Yuni keeps sucking)

Harold Is Back – Freddy Guzman


Closer

Oil Can McDuck – Mark Lowe

Jackelliotsmustache – David Aardsma

Double L –  Mark Lowe

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Mark Lowe

Gary Old-Man – Miguel Batista

The Jender Bender – Mark Lowe

Ol’ Gibbage – Miguel Batista

Harold Is Back – Brandon Morrow

 

Date of Griffey’s First HR

Oil Can McDuck – April 7 vs. Minnesota

Jackelliotsmustache – April 14 vs. Angels

Double L – April 15th vs. Angels 

Curious Case of BJ Upton – April 18 vs.

Gary Old-Man – April 14 vs Angels

The Jender Bender – April xth, Mineesota (3rd games)

Ol’ Gibbage – April 14th vs Angels

Harold Is Back – April 7th vs. Minnesota

 

AL West Standings

Oil Can McDuck – LA, SEA, OAK, TEX

Jackelliotsmustache – LA, TEX, SEA, OAK

Double L – LA, TEX, OAK, SEA

Curious Case of BJ Upton – LA, TEX, SEA, OAK

Gary Old-Man – LA, OAK, SEA, TEX

The Jender Bender – LA, OAK, TEX, SEA

Ol’ Gibbage – SEA, LA, TEX, OAK

Harold Is Back – LA, SEA, TEX, OAK

 

 

AL MVP

Oil Can McDuck – Miguel Cabrera

Jackelliotsmustache –  Josh Hamilton

Double L – Josh Hamilton

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Evan Longoria

Gary Old-Man – Evan Longoria

The Jender Bender – A-Rod (icky)

Ol’ Gibbage – Josh Hamilton

Harold Is Back – Evan Longoria

 

AL Cy Young

Oil Can McDuck – Roy Halladay

Jackelliotsmustache – 

Double L – C.C. Sabathia

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Roy Halladay

Gary Old-Man – John Lester

The Jender Bender – Matt Garza

Ol’ Gibbage – Felix Hernandez

Harold Is Back – Daisuke Matsuzaka

 

Total At-Bats For Balentin

Oil Can McDuck – 200

Jackelliotsmustache – 235

Double L –  337

Curious Case of BJ Upton – 200

Gary Old-Man – 246

The Jender Bender –100

Ol’ Gibbage – 498

Harold Is Back – 237