Archive for June, 2008

“Hey Coach, I’ve Got the Bad Crap”

June 27, 2008

Yes! I thought my excitement over the NBA draft would be soured by the City of Seattle versus Clay Bennett court proceedings and the stinky toot smells coming from Sonics Central in Seattle, but I was wrong. The Sonics front office must have received all my angry letters because they finally went out and got what they will need to succeed…….a foreign big man who isn’t NBA ready, not even NBDL ready. The Sonics took Serge Ibaka, an 18-year-old, 6-foot-10 forward/center from the Congo who most likely will spend the next 3 years playing in Europe developing his game. Sonics fans, perennial nay-sayers to foreign big men, for the most part will not be pleased. You will hear plenty of “Why don’t we just draft him in 3 years when he is ready” or “Do we really need another Johan Petro, or Mouhamed Sene?”…To this I say, Why wait? And of course we do! From watching the NBA very closely over the past 5 years I have ascertained the road to victory is built with unproven, non-American, non-NBA ready talent. As a specific example, take a look at this years NBA champion Boston Celtics, who was the key player on an all-but-one-USA-born team? Kazakhstani superstar, Elmer Van Den Gosh-Sangdiev, who plays for Barsy Atyrau BBN. The roles of Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, and Finals MVP Paul Pierce were insanely overstated over the course of the season, when in reality the hero was Van Den Gosh-Sangdiev. Though he never actually played with the Celtics, it was his weekly pep talk phone calls (which none of the Celtics could understand) and supportive emails to possible future teammates that made the difference in the Celtics run to the title. This is living proof; the model the Sonics have decided to follow in recent years will inevitably end in glory and golden trophies shaped like basketballs. So stay the course Sonics management, the process of planting and tending to crops is arduous….but the dividends: delicious corn, succulent cabbages, and flavorsome carrots are well worth the years of waiting and all the hard labor. Do what you do and one can only hope that the future holds an entire team of unpronounceable names and worthless draft picks playing in other countries on course to ride the bench in the NBDL someday.

 

*Disclaimer: Elmer van den Gosh-Sangdiev is not a real player as drafting players like the described above will most assuredly NOT end in an NBA Championship (or even a playoff berth for that matter).

 

 

 

 

Two Outs? Now What?

June 24, 2008

                    

Get out the rye bread and mustard Grandmas, because this season is officially a crap sandwich. The whirlwind of excitement created by Felix’s grand slam was quickly tempered by injury, further proving the Mariners not only suck, but are also incredibly unlucky. Before you all run off and try to erase the hurt of this awful campaign with a funk-blast to the brain, remember that the 1995 season will live on forever in the hearts and minds of the moronic lunatics who worship that season as if Junior was rounding third as we speak…….you know what? Maybe that funk-blast isn’t such a bad option at this point. Maybe the one redeeming aspect that baseball historians will reflect on from this season will be the official “putting to rest” of the 1995 season. Never in the history of the world has a city attached its identity so deeply to a mediocre season (though Athenians still talk about their victory over the Thebes Black Sandals in 1200 BC). My vision for the wake is as follows: have a nice little service where, for the last time, people share their memories and recollections from the most incredible season in Mariners history (a sweet dismantling in the ALCS). The tombstone will read “1995: You were once our biggest source of pride, but you die an embarrassment. RIP 1995-2008.” We can put it in left field as long as it’s placed outside Raul’s range (which is about 20 feet in any direction unless he is on rollerblades being pulled by an ATV the moose is driving….because then his range is considerably increased). After the completion of the service, and after the season has been properly eulogized, the city of Seattle will be free to enforce mandatory death penalties for uttering “1995″ or even alluding to “The Magical Season.” This will be our greatest achievement in Mariner History, and will truly encompass all that it is to Viva La Mojo. So, as we continue to “refuse to lose” in future craptacular seasons, we can reflect privately on (but not speak of) the day the ‘95 season died. And we can hold our heads up high, knowing that we did the right thing.

Bloomquist: The Unsung Hero?

June 23, 2008

As a lifelong Mariners fan, I am not quite sure what to make of today’s epic 5-2 victory over the much-better-than-us New York Mets and their superstar ace, Johan Santana.  The game was full of ups and downs, all centering around a certain Felix Hernandez.  King Felix was nothing short of dominant as he mercilessly and effortlessly destroyed the Mets lineup, top to bottom.  And what did he do when his offense completely let him down, as was expected?  Oh, he only hit a grand slam.  (That was sarcasm, folks.)  Felix’s opposite-field bomb came in what was merely his 9th career at-bat, and was the first home run by a pitcher in Mariners history.  In fact, he was the first AL pitcher to hit a grand slam in 37 years! Keep in mind the fact that he hit this epic blast off of one of the greatest pitchers in recent memory, two-time Cy Young winner Johan Santana. Let’s face it: the guy pisses excellence.  However, tragedy struck in the 5th inning when Felix was trying to prevent Carlos Beltran from scoring from third base on a passed ball.  As Beltran neared home, Felix blocked the plate and was subsequently spiked by Beltran in the calf, causing Felix to roll his ankle. It was determined that Felix had sprained his ankle on the play, which was a real bummer for everybody watching the game.  

When people in the future (wait, since it’s the future, they might be robots) think of this game, they will look at King Felix as the true hero, as he provided the offense and the defense that secured the Mariners a much-needed victory.  However, the real hero in this game was the often-disappointing Willie Bloomquist.  No, that was not a typo.  I repeat myself; Willie Bloomquist was the true unsung hero. Maybe its because I have such low expectations of him, but he really surprised me today.  Bloomquist is kind of known as being a waste of space in Seattle, as he has always been somewhat of a utility idiot on the diamond.  However, if he deserves praise and/or respect for one thing, its that he plays baseball with the brain of an eight-year-old.  Bloomquist has always played with a love for the game, which is ironic, because baseball has obviously never loved him back.  Bloomquist isn’t out there for the money; he’s just out there to have fun and to try hard, like most Little League players.  While this usually results in frustration and annoyance for all involved, it finally paid off today.  With Hernandez on deck and two outs in the second inning, Bloomquist hit a routine grounder to David Wright, the elite Mets third-baseman. However, Wright fumbled the ball as he fielded it, but quickly recovered and threw the ball to first.  As the crowd and the TV audience shifted their attention to first base, they were all shocked and amazed to see Slick Willie hustling and bustling his way past the bag before the ball arrived.  While any other player would have merely jogged out such a crappy ground ball, the childlike Bloomquist ran as fast as he could to first, again conjuring images in my mind of a 10-year old gap-toothed Little Leaguer. After arriving safely at first on Wright’s error, the plate was set for Hernandez’s colossal home run.  While everybody will remember King Felix’s heroics from tonight’s game, I will think of the horrible player Willie Bloomquist and how he somehow got to first base safely, keeping the inning alive and saving the day for the Mariners.  And I can only hope that his parents took him out for ice cream after the game, just like any other Little League mom and dad would do.

McLaren Fired!

June 19, 2008

Mariners interim General Manager Lee Pelekoudas announced today skipper John McLaren’s services will no longer be needed. The comedy in all this? Richie Sexson, Jose Vidro, and Miguel Cairo all still have jobs. Mariners bench coach Jim Riggleman will take over as manager for the remainder of this fantastic season.

The Single Most Important Letter in History?

June 19, 2008

Dear Mariners,

            I hope this letter finds you well…..I know it doesn’t, but I wish it did. Sure it seems like nothing has gone right (because nothing has gone right) this season and it’s time for drastic changes (it IS time for drastic changes), but I implore you, please do not give up on my man Robert Allen Dickey. I know his last 2 starts have been lamentable, giving up 12 runs in 5 1/3 innings combined, but he seems like a really nice guy and his hygiene is adequate to downright decent. I’d be a fool to think this alone cannot redeem him, but to be fair, you have given Jarrod Washburn all season to try and get it right, so why not do the same for R.A.? He has been stellar in relief, so we know he has big league stuff; it just hasn’t translated into quality starts. Sure, hearing him imply the weather may be doing a number on his knuckleball is a little disheartening for all of us, but since the weather is incredibly consistent and predictable around here (it’s not) it shouldn’t be a factor (it will be). The best thing for everyone at this point is to keep trolling his goofy mug out to the mound every 5th start and see what you have in him (we already know what we have in Batista, 10 pounds of monkey crap in a 5 pound bag). So in conclusion, Mariners, I think it’s high time you started taking my advice because clearly you are not mature or adult enough to make mature adult baseball decisions……whammy. So feel free to contact me at jackelliotsmustache@gmail.com or just look for me in the stands…..I will be the one saying ‘boo’ (not boo-urns).

As Bull Meechum Would Say, “Hey, Sports Fans!”

June 18, 2008

The Great Santini

Hey there!  I’m the new guy on this oh-so-brilliant sports blog.  My name is “didhejustsayfunkybuttloving”, but you can just call me “Funky Buttloving” for short.  First of all, I wish to award kudos to those of you who noticed that this post’s title is a reference to the timeless Robert Duvall film “The Great Santini”.  More power to you!  To all of you idiots readers who have never even heard of this movie, you’re missing out on a classic film about an abusive, alcoholic father who nobody likes.  Needless to say, it’s a must-see film.  What’s more, you can buy the DVD on Amazon for only $6.99! (http://www.amazon.com/Great-Santini-Robert-Duvall/dp/0790742799/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1213830761&sr=8-1)  But I digress.

Anyway, before I introduce myself, let me point out that my name is a reference to another classic movie, “Rookie of the Year”.  This was my favorite movie growing up, and it featured superb acting from Daniel Stern, Gary Busey and some geeky kid whose acting career died soon after this movie was released.  If you are still confused by this movie reference, then you need to watch more crappy sports movies from the ’90s.  Or at least watch the beginning of this clip, which contains the now-famous “FUNKY BUTTLOVING!!!!” utterance.  Pure comic gold. 

And now, without further ado, I’ll quit talking movies and start talking sports.  First off, I am a die-hard baseball fan, and I continue to love the Mariners under the delusion that they will get better at some point (it shouldn’t be too hard, because they sure as heck can’t get any worse).  I also love college hoops, the NFL, and college football, but I’m pretty much a fan of any sport as long as it’s on ESPN or an ESPN-affiliated network.  Yes, this includes American Gladiators on ESPN Classic.  Who can forget classic, ‘roided-up gladiators like Nitro and Malibu?  My favorite sports teams are the Seahawks, the 2008 NCAA-Champion Kansas Jayhawks (lifelong fan; ROCK CHALK JAYHAWK!), and the aforementioned M’s.

I like to think of myself as a Rick Reilly-type writer, mixing humor and wit with passion and heart.  I know that in time y’all will grow to love me, and “Funky Buttloving” will become a household name.  Until next time, goodbye, interweb. 

*Computer Terminate!*

Goodbye and Good Luck…..Minus the Luck Part

June 17, 2008

         Surely my 2 or 3 readers have been clamoring for a post from the very minute Mariners General Manager Bill Bavasi was fired Monday early afternoon. So as not to disappoint I have crafted a small limerick in honor of this momentous occasion………

 

From Year to Year, From Day to Day

No Matter the price, a free agent you’d pay

Extravagant fees, Ridiculous prices

That’s why you sucked, that’s why we iced ya’

 

From Washburn to Cairo, Dumb moves aplenty

You Sent Down Clement, You’re stupid times twenty

So We Say Goodbye, and We Wish You the Best

Enjoy Unemployment; you’ve earned You Some Rest

 

So as we rebuild, and Pick up the pieces

We’ll think off you fondly, as the anger decreases

In Ten Thousand Years, For the Crimes you’ve committed

Perhaps but not likely, That You’ll be acquitted

 

All said, Bill Bavasi wasn’t and awful dude, he was just an awful General Manager. As a lifelong baseball man perhaps it’s time to move on to something else more suited to your talents…….I can’t really think of any occupation where over paying for mediocre results is a good thing………but don’t lose hope you’ll find your niche.

Wounded Tiger Defeats Oddly Shaped Foe at Torrey Pines

June 16, 2008

 

   

      Tiger Woods is the 2008 U.S. Open champion, and his legend continues to grow. In the most exciting golf playoff I have ever watched on a live blog, Woods finished off tubby and unsightly Rocco Mediate after 91 holes. Looking like much loved McDonalds character Grimace, Mediate fought valiantly; but like all that have come up against the Tiger before him, he was vanquished by the mighty super-nerd. As a moderate golf tolerator, I have to say I was intrigued enough by this match-up that I desperately began hitting refresh on the ESPN live blog of the tournament for updates. Having no context in which to place this historic playoff, I was forced to enjoy it for what it was…..a fun way to waste 3 hours at work and thus be 3 hours closer to next weekend…So big thanks to His Nerdiness El Tigre, and to the sport of golf, for this delightful diversion from my normally mundane, excitement-free workday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sue Bird “Smurfed” Who???!!!

June 14, 2008

As the NBA finals chug along, I can’t help but not care. From over-paid, infantile superstars to whom Joe Everyman can’t relate to an egotistical, single-minded lunatic at the helm of a stinking ship (see what I did there? I replaced ‘sinking’ with ‘stinking…’ it’s called comedy…) the NBA could not be in a worse place in my mind. Much of the frustration stems from the rape-and-pillage style theft of the Seattle Suuuuuuuuuuuppppperrrrrsoooooonnnniiicccccss by one David “The Emperor” Stern and his “Darth Vader,” if you will (and I will), Clay Bennett; but there is definitely more to my righteous anger towards the NBA. So in the spirit of full disclosure, I have to admit large amounts of schadenfreude as the cloud of fixed games looms ominously over the NBA. The integrity of the game has not been entirely discredited, but the seed of doubt has been planted in the court of public opinion…and that’s enough. The irony of this whole Ref-Gate situation is that Stern has decided to focus on the fact that the ref in question is a criminal; therefore, his testimony cannot be trusted…..but then, wouldn’t the same go for Stern as he commits the theft of an entire sports franchise from a city? I know it’s a stretch, but I refer you to the schadenfreude stated above… so I can say what I want. All in all, Stern’s treatment of the media in this whole situation will be what damns him, as he has been combative and irritable toward the very people who shape the public’s view of the issues, and nothing makes me happier. Stern is a weasel who was lucky enough to be commissioner during the Bird, Magic, & Jordan era, and nothing would make me happier than to see his “good name” raked through the mud in every news and media outlet across this great nation of ours (more schadenfreude). So on the heels of all this, I have decided that it is my civic duty to provide a list of 3 things I find as entertaining as the snoozeworthy product that the NBA craps onto the floor every night:

1) Writing angry letters to the FCC about words that sound like swears on TV but aren’t really swears. This is a great time filler as we wait for football season…the FCC is flooded with thousands of complaints daily, but few are as entertaining as letters about Papa Smurf and Smurfette’s “smurfing” interactions being highly inappropriate – and damaging – to America’s youth.

2) The WNBA – You might be saying to yourself “women’s basketball…that’s WAY worse….” but one of the funniest things ever is to see some girl running out all alone on a fast break, and drive to the bucket like she’s going to dunk, and….wait for it….. lay it up off the glass with a perfectly executed fundamental lay-in.

3) Watching DVR’d episodes of quiz shows I have already watched – there are few things in life as entertaining as being smarter than other people, and what easier way is there to flex your mental muscle than to dominate people on TV who have no idea they are competing against you? The joy I get from shouting out memorized answers about “Notable Botanists of the 1800’s” before the contestants on Jeopardy is unmatched….especially if they get it wrong…..idiots…everyone knows Katie Furbish founded the Josselyn Botanical Society of Maine.

So, enjoy these alternatives to NBA basketball while you still can…but the NBA season will be over soon… so we have that to look forward to.

 

Baseball Stuff! I’ll be Hideo Nomo You Can Be Jose Canseco!!!

June 10, 2008

                        Congrats are in order as Ken Griffey Jr. hit the 600th homerun of his career yesterday against the Florida Marlins. Griffey becomes only the 6th man to achieve this feat and, though it has felt like he’s been knocking on this door forever, he can now finally rest in his accomplishment. The pitfall most people stumbled into in judging Jr.’s place in history is wondering what he could have been and not appreciating what he is, one of the greatest power hitters in the history of the game. For almost any kid growing up in the Seattle area in the ’90s “The Kid” represents what got most, if not all, of us interested in baseball. From his often emulated swing that has been described as “flawless” and “majestic” to his spectacular defensive play in centerfield, Jr. embodies all that is good in baseball. He did it the right way, and that is more than can be said for almost anyone else from his era. In a baseball culture, where we have become incredibly skeptical and fearful in celebrating the home-run, this accomplishment has not received the fanfare it deserves. For all that he has done for baseball, this guaranteed first ballot hall of famer deserves all the thanks in the world and is worthy of the adulation he is due for this incredible milestone he has reached…..So congrats and thanks for helping get Safeco built so the current Mariners could defile it with their losing and pants pooping.