Archive for the ‘Football’ Category

If Every American Mails Peyton Manning $1, I Think He Might Finally Retire

February 2, 2012

Peyton Coverage = Anti-Eugene

Hey there, friend.  You’re probably wondering what I’m doing right now (8:16 pm PST) I’m currently watching 30 Rock, and Kristin Schaal is guest starring as a new page.  Seeing her reminded me of Bob’s Burgers, a show near and dear to my heart.  One of my favorite actors on that show is Eugene Mirman.  I just love Eugene Mirman!  I think he’s hilarious.  I literally cannot get enough of Eugene Mirman.

My adoration of all things Eugene is the opposite of how I feel about all this Peyton Manning coverage.  In fact, there are many opposites between Eugene Mirman and the Peyton Manning coverage.  This might be easier if I just compile a list of all the opposites that exist between these two.

Eugene Mirman               Peyton Manning Coverage
-Funny                            -Not Funny
-Overweight                    -Not Overweight
-Comedian                      -Not Comedian
-Russian Heritage           -No Russian Heritage

NEED I CONTINUE?

Look, here’s my point.  The media has been speculating on Peyton’s future for a while, but the attention has really ramped up in the past couple of weeks.  It’s incessant.  I really don’t think I need to say anything else because you know what I’m going to say.  Sports media’s obsession with all things Peyton must be put to a stop!

This is why I propose the Peyton Plan: If you, me and Rick Perry combine our efforts, I am convinced that we can persuade every American (even you, infants!) to donate one dollar to Peyton Manning.  This combined value of $312,953,322 should be enough to convince the beleaguered quarterback to hang up his cleats for good and put an end to ESPN’s blather.  Once again we will be able to turn on the TV without fear of hearing about all 22 NFL teams who might take a risk on Peyton Manning next season.

So, dear reader, will you join me in implementing the Peyton Plan? Together, I believe we can make a difference!  We will prevail!

ARRGG>WOOF

February 2, 2012

L-O-I day is dead, but we’re all left wanting…Sark’s “WOOF’S” echo in the distance, and the single 4-stars and multiple 3-stars we have pale in comparison to the 4- and 5-stars that have sadly diarrhea’d into the fax machine of the UW hopper. The rein of Pirate Leach, however, changes everything. Super-steals like Sam Jones & Gabriel Marks,  and the retention of Taylor Taliulu show that CML is willing to flex his muscle whenever and wherever he needs to. Though it’s a Top 50 recruiting class, at best it doesn’t mean douche-crotch performance; I swear, we’re in bowl games this year and taking 3 of the next 4 Apple Cups is a hopeful chance…..not because we have better kids but because I know for a fact UW kids will take a frat level of mental and physical abuse to the point where they become the guys who either flame out and “smush a bush” or play like Jeremy Stevens and “eat rape for dinner”. So, here’s believing we can appreciate good news and coast to a hopeful 10 bowl bods in a row thanks to the Pirate Leach…….ARGGHHHH

All hail PIRATE LEACH!!!

February 1, 2012

Oh Hai! I’m fresh off my monthly va-jazzling, but there’s no doubt it has been a while. Do you care? Of course you do, no doi. And so, I am here to announce STUFFANDTHINGS is back!! Thanks for being patient, and though I know only my Grammy and Pops care, you should know that there has been a major relocation of our HOMEBASE..and by HOMEBASE I mean the laptop on which I type right now. It has traveled far, without permission, and sometimes I think it might strangle me in my sleep….. but that’s so super ridiculous – if anyone strangles me it will be my loser wife. So here we are, outside Orlando…but I promise I still have perspective on Seattle sports! Well, at least as much as the half-ass fans that live there..BA-ZING!!!!! Go Sounders right??? They are the best! Kicking and passing and shit…. you’re all total fucks. Yup. We’re back.

You’re welcome.

Football Embarrassment Video Thursday/Friday

October 1, 2009

I once saw a man throw the top of one of those Crate and Barrel heavy glass candles at someone over a Randall Cunningham themed argument…….so I may don the ol’ bullet-proof attire from now on……..the man is a menace…suck it Jendro!

Football Embarrassment Video Thursday/Friday

October 1, 2009

Hey. Welcome to our new and very awesome thing that, like everything else, will last a week…… tops. Enjoy.

Upset Alert: Cougars Refuse To Poop All Over Themselves vs. USC

September 27, 2009

Save_Gas_Ride_A_Cougar-2T

Last night, I was conversing with a fellow Coug as a never-in-doubt loss to USC had us excited because, despite not winning, we weren’t being taken to the woodshed. He made a very insightful observation into the mind-frame of Cougar football fans; he said “the thing about Cougar fans is that no matter how bad we are, we can always find something to get excited about.” I found this to be an incredibly astute statement, and then spent the next 10 minutes analyzing my own attitude – my joy over holding USC scoreless for two quarters and only allowing seven points over three quarters was the kind of joy most fans only show in a blow-out victory or an upset over a ranked opponent……not to say I wouldn’t love to have beaten USC at home and really exposed a far-less-talented-than-usual trojan squad, but when you’ve been blown out by Hawaii and needed an overtime field goal to beat SMU, you set your expectations nice and low. And, for just a few minutes, the future looked incredibly bright with true freshman QB Jeff Teul throwing the ball all over the trojan defense….mostly to his favorite target, true freshman receiver Gino Simone. All in all, a loss is a loss, and did they look terrible at times…..but those small amounts of hope shone brightly in the minds of cougar fans, and THAT is what separates the Cougs from the rest….eternal hope and self-deprecating pessimism…not quite sure how those two co-exist….but it is what it is.

Husky Predictions From a Cougar Fan

September 25, 2009

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Well crap, I guess even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once and a while…stupid huskies….and thank the Lord that the blind, deaf, dumb, swine-flu-infected, product-of-incest squirrel that is the Washington State Cougar football team also managed to scare up a little meal. Since I am so devastated about the inaccuracy of my husky football team prediction from last weekend, I have decided to instead predict what this Saturday will look like for Husky (as in God’s full-figured little earth angels) people. These Huskies will wake up early, covered in post late-night Wendys garbage and feeling deeply saddened, but ready to make a change. They will have been stress-testing the fence that lies between fat and in-shape for far too long….. “TO THE GYM!!!!!” the Husky guy/girl will announce. Arriving at the gym in too-tight yoga clothes (girl)/a sleeveless muscle tee with a food stain on it (guy), they will head straight for the smoothie bar to grab a pre-workout drink. 45 minutes and 400 calories later, it’s “time to get their sweat on”…technically the walk to the car earlier lit that candle, but hey – nobody’s keeping track of these things. A nice 10 minutes on the treadmill for him/15 fart-filled minutes in hot yoga for her and confidence will be rising….”I could do this every day!”….rigggghhhhhtttt. Time for weight machines (free weights are hard on your joints right?) – 20 minutes lifting to the sweet, sweet sounds of Nickelback (him)/Beyonce (her…..oh, this leg extension is going to make someone want to “put a ring on it” NOW). Feeling strong, lean, and mean, it will be time for him/her to head home via the long route so as to avoid the Wendys drive thru…. good idea husky guy/gal….. a left on 32nd street and then home free! Oh CRAP……When did they put in that Taco Bell?! They are building NEW Taco Bells? Oh God…..must…..run…..for……border……..”Welcome to Taco Bell, may I take your order?” 

 Thus, in not-fat-but-not-skinny Purgatory he/she will remain. Fast Food Deliciousness-1 Husky Guy/Girl-0……..also UW-33 Stanford-28.

TO THE MOON!

September 23, 2009

 

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Dear Earth,

                 It seems like we haven’t been getting along lately and I am starting the get the feeling that you resent me for some reason. Is it because I have been thinking about going to the Moon and you don’t want me to see other planets? I heard about you taking Cougar running back James Montgomery out for the season….seriously World? What is your deal? Don’t you feel like you have done enough already? I mean the Cougs are 3-13 in their last 16 games…don’t you think you have taken a big enough dump on my sports life? This has to stop! I am unsure of my legal options at this point but I am assuming a restraining order is not out of the question. For now Planet, stay the hell out of my way and quit crapping on me……OR ELSE I am going to cut down the entire rainforest and start wasting all the natural resources I can! I am going to pave every inch of you! and dump dog poop in your oceans.  

 With all the disdain one man can possess and an aerosol can pointed straight at your ozone,

                  JEM

Tuesday Morning Dude Ranch

September 22, 2009

Bruno Football

Welcome to the first ever Tuesday Morning Dude Ranch!  Ok, so it isn’t really the morning any more, but bear with me.  I had a lot of things to get done this morning.  (Like watching last night’s season premiere of Heroes.  CRAZY!)  As the title suggests, this is my completely homo heterosexual analysis of this week’s five hottest guys in the NFL (concerning their on-field performance, of course).  LET THE ANALYZING COMMENCE!

5. Drew Brees, QB, New Orleans Saints
Generally, I like any player or team who stuffs it down the throats of a team from Philadelphia.  This is due in large part to my undying hatred of all things Philly.  However, the primary reason Drew Brees stands out this week is becuase he is currently carrying my fantasy team.  This hunk of a man lit up the crappy Eagles D for 311 yards and 3 touchdowns.  Thanks for the 22 fantasy points, Drew!  You’re my hero!  I would like to add that shortly after this game, I dropped the crappy Eagles D from my other fantasy team.  Now it’s Falcons D all the way, baby!  (Until they let me down.)

4. Ronnie Brown, RB/QB/Manager/Cheerleader, Miami Dolphins
This guy came out on Monday night with a lot to prove, since the Dolphins’ entire Wildcat offense hinges on his superhuman abilities.  How did he perform?  Oh, he only led his team to a thorough stomping of the Indianapo- wait, what was that?  The Colts did win?!  Crap.  Well, nevertheless, Ronnie Brown’s sexy one-man-show pretty much destroyed a strong Colts defense.  In other words, Brown had 24 rushes for 136 yds and 2 touchdowns in what has been described as a gimmicky offense.  And I’m pretty sure he played about half of the positions on the field at some point in the game.  Including cheerleader.  What a man!  Now, if only they would legalize the A-11…

3. Matt Schaub, QB, Houston Texans
On Sunday, Schaub put on what can only be described as an adorable performance against the Tennessee Titans, throwing for 357 yards and 4 TDs.  I have been in love with this guy since he was Michael Vick’s backup in Hotlanta.  Who’s laughing now, Vick?  His team now stands at 1-1 atop the Buttercup Division of the Magical Fairies Confrence, which are two things that I just made up.

2.  Dallas Clark, TE, Indianapolis Colts
As he demonstrated on the first play of the game, Dallas Clark was just too hot and sweaty for the Miami defense to handle.  Clark burst forth for 183 receiving yards and his massive 80 yard touchdown.  After watching his massive awesomeness, it is easy to see why his teammates* have described him as the “big, cuddly teddy bear of the NFL”.

And the Stud Muffin of the Week (patent pending) is…..
Chris Johnson, RB, Tennessee Titans
Johnson’s stellar performance had the ladies swooning and me pooping my pants in sheer wonder.  He trampled the Texans for 197 yards and two touchdowns, but it just wasn’t enough (see Matt Schaub’s fabulous performance above).  However, he still looked gorgeous on the field as he averaged 12.3 yards per carry.

Hot College Talent of the Week: Jake Locker, QB/Savior, Washington Huskies
While he didn’t put up stellar numbers for the #24 ranked (seriously?  24th already?!) Huskies team, Locker did everything else in the greatest upset in the history of anything, ever, as UW layed the smackdown on USC.  Locker looked like a man and a half as he calmly but deliberately led the hometown favorite down the field, drive after drive.  Also, I heard he delivered twins in an emergency C-Section during halftime.  Tim Tebow who?  Immediatley after the game, Locker was elected mayor of Seattle and solved the world’s clean water problem.  Also, he can cure a person’s cancer just by spitting in their face.

Big Mean Jerk of the Week: Frank Gore, Douchy RB, San Francisco 49ers
What a fat jerkwad.  This big bully ran for 207 yards against my beloved Seattle Seahawks.  At one point, I legitimately thought he was gonna exceed the 300 yard mark.  Every time he got the ball, the 49ers’ offensive line opened up lanes wide enough to drive an aircraft carrier through.  SIDEWAYS!  Man, I hate that big ugly jerk with his rippling abs and his bulging muscular arms and his… er, I mean, Frank Gore sucks.

Well, I hope you enjoyed my little foray through the hottest dudes the NFL has to offer.  See you next week!

*Dallas Clark’s teammates = me

Husky Predictions From a Cougar Fan

September 18, 2009

wootERS

Just a week removed from giving up close to 500 yards of total offense to mighty Idaho Vandals, the huskies have the good fortune of facing a should-be division 1-AA team from southern California. The predictions that follow are basically fact, as my 6th sense is the ability to accurately predict husky football outcomes. The substantially less talented huskies will jump out to a quick 7-0 lead, and in a moment of pure coaching genius, coach Sarkisian will attempt an onside kick on the ensuing and recover the ball. With all the USC fans in the house stunned, Jake Locker steps under center ready to hopefully lead the huskies down field for his second touchdown of the day…..Suddenly, the zookeeper who had been using a magnetic force-field to hold back the 7 grizzly bears and 9 tigers he had been neglecting to feed for the last few weeks on the husky sideline dropped his force-field remote, releasing the 16 savage beasts….Have I mentioned that Jake Locker was wearing steak flavored football pants?….no? Well, Jake Locker, in a moment of pre-game poor judgment, went with the steak flavored pants to try and fire up his offensive linemen. With the blood thirsty woodland creatures free to feast and having eyes only for the man in the steak flavored pants, I don’t need to describe what happens next….but I probably should…..Jake takes the snap and notices one of the larger, more rabies-infested bears tearing towards him….he attempts to throw the football at the bear but over throws it by a good 15 yards leaving himself defenseless……and now armless as well. That’s when the rest of the bears and tigers get in on the feast…. Tragic, just tragic…..So, after cleaning up the carnage, the Trojans, who really, Jake Locker or not, will go on to score 112 unanswered points leading to our final score prediction! USC 112 – UW 7.

……..and a nice little treat for the Cougar fans:

SPACE KABOOM!