Welcome to the first ever Tuesday Morning Dude Ranch! Ok, so it isn’t really the morning any more, but bear with me. I had a lot of things to get done this morning. (Like watching last night’s season premiere of Heroes. CRAZY!) As the title suggests, this is my completely homo heterosexual analysis of this week’s five hottest guys in the NFL (concerning their on-field performance, of course). LET THE ANALYZING COMMENCE!
5. Drew Brees, QB, New Orleans Saints
Generally, I like any player or team who stuffs it down the throats of a team from Philadelphia. This is due in large part to my undying hatred of all things Philly. However, the primary reason Drew Brees stands out this week is becuase he is currently carrying my fantasy team. This hunk of a man lit up the crappy Eagles D for 311 yards and 3 touchdowns. Thanks for the 22 fantasy points, Drew! You’re my hero! I would like to add that shortly after this game, I dropped the crappy Eagles D from my other fantasy team. Now it’s Falcons D all the way, baby! (Until they let me down.)
4. Ronnie Brown, RB/QB/Manager/Cheerleader, Miami Dolphins
This guy came out on Monday night with a lot to prove, since the Dolphins’ entire Wildcat offense hinges on his superhuman abilities. How did he perform? Oh, he only led his team to a thorough stomping of the Indianapo- wait, what was that? The Colts did win?! Crap. Well, nevertheless, Ronnie Brown’s sexy one-man-show pretty much destroyed a strong Colts defense. In other words, Brown had 24 rushes for 136 yds and 2 touchdowns in what has been described as a gimmicky offense. And I’m pretty sure he played about half of the positions on the field at some point in the game. Including cheerleader. What a man! Now, if only they would legalize the A-11…
3. Matt Schaub, QB, Houston Texans
On Sunday, Schaub put on what can only be described as an adorable performance against the Tennessee Titans, throwing for 357 yards and 4 TDs. I have been in love with this guy since he was Michael Vick’s backup in Hotlanta. Who’s laughing now, Vick? His team now stands at 1-1 atop the Buttercup Division of the Magical Fairies Confrence, which are two things that I just made up.
2. Dallas Clark, TE, Indianapolis Colts
As he demonstrated on the first play of the game, Dallas Clark was just too hot and sweaty for the Miami defense to handle. Clark burst forth for 183 receiving yards and his massive 80 yard touchdown. After watching his massive awesomeness, it is easy to see why his teammates* have described him as the “big, cuddly teddy bear of the NFL”.
And the Stud Muffin of the Week (patent pending) is…..
Chris Johnson, RB, Tennessee Titans
Johnson’s stellar performance had the ladies swooning and me pooping my pants in sheer wonder. He trampled the Texans for 197 yards and two touchdowns, but it just wasn’t enough (see Matt Schaub’s fabulous performance above). However, he still looked gorgeous on the field as he averaged 12.3 yards per carry.
Hot College Talent of the Week: Jake Locker, QB/Savior, Washington Huskies
While he didn’t put up stellar numbers for the #24 ranked (seriously? 24th already?!) Huskies team, Locker did everything else in the greatest upset in the history of anything, ever, as UW layed the smackdown on USC. Locker looked like a man and a half as he calmly but deliberately led the hometown favorite down the field, drive after drive. Also, I heard he delivered twins in an emergency C-Section during halftime. Tim Tebow who? Immediatley after the game, Locker was elected mayor of Seattle and solved the world’s clean water problem. Also, he can cure a person’s cancer just by spitting in their face.
Big Mean Jerk of the Week: Frank Gore, Douchy RB, San Francisco 49ers
What a fat jerkwad. This big bully ran for 207 yards against my beloved Seattle Seahawks. At one point, I legitimately thought he was gonna exceed the 300 yard mark. Every time he got the ball, the 49ers’ offensive line opened up lanes wide enough to drive an aircraft carrier through. SIDEWAYS! Man, I hate that big ugly jerk with his rippling abs and his bulging muscular arms and his… er, I mean, Frank Gore sucks.
Well, I hope you enjoyed my little foray through the hottest dudes the NFL has to offer. See you next week!
*Dallas Clark’s teammates = me