Late last night, the Mariners moved starter Felix Hernandez to the 15-day DL after he was viciously attacked by Carlos Beltran, the stupid jerk who plays for the New York Mets. While my first instinct to this news was somber, I realized that the move effectively did nothing, since Hernandez wasn’t expected to pitch tonight anyway. The only reason for moving him to the 15-day DL was to make the M’s front office appear smart, which I fully support. You see, the move to the 15-day DL was retroactive June 24, meaning Hernandez will be eligible to pitch as early as July 8th. Since we all knew that he wouldn’t pitch until then anyway, moving him to the DL essentially was a formal way of announcing that no change had been made to his road to recovery. Big whoop.
However, something exciting has unraveled itself amidst all of this formal mumble-jumble! Starting in Hernandez’s place tonight is none other than long-reliever/wunderkind Ryan Rowland-Smith!! I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve always loved this guy. He has a wicked curveball that’s eerily reminiscent of Barry Zito (before he sucked out loud), and he’s been a consistent force out of the bullpen for the M’s. This season, the bespectacled southpaw from down under has been very effective outta the ‘pen, harnessing a 2.66 ERA while working on an impressive 1.17 WHIP. And let’s be honest: we don’t have a relief pitcher better suited for this start than Rowland-Smith. I mean, sure, Brandon Morrow probably has the stuff to be a great starter, but the M’s are fully aware that the baseball gods will surely strike down Jarrod Washburn with a bolt of lightning within the next couple of weeks, which means that Morrow will need to fill in at that time. And Rowland-Smith has said that he will take this start seriously, as it will be his first big league start. I am excited to see what he can do tonight.
As you can tell, I am struggling to find things to say in this post, so I will now conclude it by providing Rowland-Smith with some sound advice that my mother always gave me as I got ready to go to high school each morning: “Remember, you’re the smartest, most handsome boy out there, no matter what the other kids say. I love you, sweetie!” And Ryan, if you were here, I would give you a big, wet kiss on the cheek, just as my mother always gave me as I headed off to school.