Posts Tagged ‘Mariners’

Are the Mariners Forreal?

August 1, 2010

Dawson weeps for all M's fans

Well, the Seattle Mariners are on their way home from Minneapolis, where they were publicly beaten and humiliated by the Minnesota Twins for three whole days.  It was like a domestic violence case where everybody in the neighborhood knows what goes on behind closed doors (where did she get that black eye?) but nobody wants to get involved.  In today’s game, Francisco Liriano had his way with them for seven innings, racking up 11 K’s.  The M’s left with no dignity, no runs, 2 hits, 2 walks, and FIFTEEN STRIKEOUTS!

It’s no secret that the Mariners have rewritten the definition of “suck” this season.  We rank last in the majors in team batting average, home runs, RBI and hits.  Our bullpen’s ERA is 4.53, good for 12th in the AL.  Just for a frame of reference, last year’s bullpen ERA ranked 3rd in the league.  And unless I’m mistaken, the team’s motto has been officially changed from “Believe Big” to “Only (x) Days Left Until Football Season Starts!”

Let’s recap some other highlights from this season:

  • Felix got tricked into signing a five-year deal (sucker!)
  • Griffey came back for another magical season, only to learn the hard way that people who wear adult diapers are too old to play baseball
  • the team went through DH’s faster than Griffey went through adult diapers
  • Chone Figgins began a four-year-long crime spree, during which he is expected to steal $36 million from the team.  And oh, yeah, HE ATTACKED OUR MANAGER IN THE DUGOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • the M’s acquired Cliff Lee, which, combined with Felix at the top of the rotation, ensured that fans would pay attention to at least 40% of the team’s games (until they traded him away in July)
  • Erik Bedard kept his pulse going at a murmur (I seriously thought he was dead for a while)
  • The team went 6-22 in the month of July.  That is not a misprint.  We won just over 20% of our games.

With so many things going wrong this year, it seems as though choosing one single thing to pick on would be difficult.  Nope, it really isn’t.  The absolute worst part of this team is the hitting, or lack thereof.  My brother summed it up pretty well the other day, when he said, “I’ve forgotten what a good offense looks like.  Whenever the M’s score more than 2 runs in a game, I think something along the lines of, ‘Holy crap, the M’s scored 4 runs today!  That’s SO MANY RUNS!  How could a team ever be fortunate enough to score SO MANY RUNS?’ ”

As silly as that statement might sound, it’s a pretty accurate account of how we all feel about this anemic offense.  And it’s not like the hitters don’t know they suck.  They talk about it all the time, in every post-game interview.  2010 is being called the Year of the Pitcher, but if you were judging by the Mariners’ offense, you might guess that this was the Dead Ball Era.

And how do you think the pitchers feel?  Those poor, accursed souls have to go out there every day and pitch with the full knowledge that if they give up as many as 2 runs over 6 innings, there’s no chance in Hell of them getting the win.  So, as a result, each starting pitcher has the full weight of the team on his shoulders during every single start.  You don’t think this weighs on them over the course of the season?  Look at Doug Fister.  This guy was a real stud at the beginning of the year.  Then he got that “shoulder strain”.  Now, he is but a shell of his former self, unable to look in the mirror, let alone net a quality start.  And Ryan Rowland-Smith?  I loved that guy before the season started!  I expected him to have a Vargas-like year.  Instead, the Thunder from Down Under has struggled to find the zone all season.  He has zero self-confidence when he pitches.  And now some “injury” has pushed him to the 15-day DL.  Are we really buying that story?  Come on.  How much longer can this guy have?  There could be any number of reasons why these two young guns have been struggling, but I find it much easier to simply blame our crappy offense.

So, Seattle Mariners fan, what does this mean for you?  Should you give up on your team altogether?  HELL NO!  Imagine that you’re a typical parent and the Mariners are your teenage son.  He’s been a good kid for most of his life, but he’s always had a little trouble fitting in.  For most of his childhood, he was the kid with the really fun birthday parties!  (In this analogy, birthday parties represent awesome M’s players: Edgar, Griffey, Johnson, etc.)  All the other kids loved going to these birthday parties, but it wasn’t enough to make him one of the cool kids.  So he became bitter and rebelled during his teenage years (2004 season-present), turning to sex, drugs and rock and roll.  Subsequently, his grades quickly slipped and the people who were his friends quit hanging out with him.  Now, as his parent, are you just going to cut your losses and give up on your son when he needs you most?  Of course not!  You’re going to help this confused young man get the help he so desperately needs.  You’ll be there to protect him and tell him that you still love him, despite all the poor choices he has made over the past several years (Sexson, Beltre, Silva, Johjima, etc.).  You’ll look to the future, ever hopeful that he’ll come out of this rut and that you weren’t a total screw-up as a parent.

Most importantly, know this: you are not alone!!! Although it might feel like you’ve been abandoned in a solitary pit of despair, there is an entire fan base of people just like you; good people who are sick of the state of our beloved baseball team!  Now you’re probably saying to yourself, “But what can we do?  We’re just weak, little, insignificant fans!”  Oh, you stupid, stupid person.  Believe it or not, there is one thing we can do to to help ourselves out of this soul-crushing rut.  Just follow these simple instructions, and you’ll be feeling better in no time!

  1. Contort your face into a look of exasperation and hopelessness.
  2. Open your hand and extend it in front of you, palm facing toward you.
  3. Gently lay your hand across your face.

Congratulations, you have just completed the facepalm!  With enough practice, you will be facepalming like a pro in as little as one week.*

*Please note: the facepalm will not help the Seattle Mariners attain a winning record, nor will it get them any closer to the playoffs.

Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of the USS-Enterprise and inventor of the facepalm


First Post of 2010! I Win!!

April 20, 2010

For those of us fortunate enough to experience the first 6 innings of Doug Fister’s amazing pitching performance, we can count ourselves ROBBED! Robbed, dear friends, of an all-but-guaranteed complete game no-hitter…..robbed of this by none other than S&T writer Double L. Allow me to tell you a story of betrayal……

[**A quick note: Before we navigate the perils of space and time to prove that Double L screwed everything up, it will greatly enhance your reading journey to have an accurate picture of what I look like. Imagine if George Clooney and Leonardo DiCaprio had a baby, then that baby somehow made a baby with the baby of Brad Pitt and Ewan McGregor…..and when THAT baby grew up it had a baby with Tom Selleck (for moustachey goodness) and was also all super-ripped and had like, laser eyes and, ummmm, robot hands and stuff……well that would be me. Also, I have the tail of a lion. So now that you have the proper frame of reference, let’s travel back to yesterday…a simpler time…**] (Our time travel will be aided by the coolest homemade  compilation of Back to the Future screengrabs known to man…and it’s FRENCH….Retour Vers le Futur indeed!!!)

After cleaning up the house at the request of my lovely roommate (wife), I grabbed a delightful beer and landed my awesome ass on the couch just in time to catch the last few innings of the game. Watching Fister work fastball after fastball to the lowly Orioles lineup was both fun AND exhilarating. That’s when it happened……the ding of the iPhone text message…the name “Mollin Mennett” (name changed to protect stupid Collin Ben….dang it) appeared with an ominous message below: “DOUG EFFING FISTER!”…..Within three seconds of reading this message, Nick Markakis drove a ball right back up the box into center field breaking up the no-hitter. Lucky for our own Double L, he wasn’t in range of my laser eyes…or whatever awesome power I gave myself in the above description which I am too lazy to revisit in order to stay consistent….because if he WAS within range I would have toasted his brains via his rectum (Rectum? Damn near killed’em! …, sorry). As ANY baseball fan knows, you get passed the 5th inning with a no-no, you DON’T TALK TO ANYBODY for fear of jinxing the outing. Well looks like Jerky McAss-Hat missed the memo. This is why the blame falls squarely on his dainty, lady-like shoulders….right where the straps of his training bra sit. I know you all are as livid as I am, so I am taking this opportunity to give you a voice to speak out against the atrocities committed by Double L. Use the comment section to call him all sorts of names and draw dirty pictures of him and John Goodman together……..have at him, for he RUINED THE NIGHT.


The M’s are Doin’ Work

December 16, 2009

In case you haven’t heard, the Mariners have been doing some work so far in this baseball offseason.  Today they finalized a deal that sends 3 minor leaguers, who are decent but not all that good, to the Phillies for Cliff Lee.  CLIFF FREAKIN’ LEE! Two years ago he won the Cy Young and this year, he not only was almost as good during the regular season, but he absolutely dominated a ridiculous Yankee lineup in the World Series.  And Lee is cheap, earning only 9 mil this year.  He is a free agent at the end of the year, but teaming him with Felix Hernandez gives the Mariners the top 1-2 punch in the Majors this year, if not beyond.

And in order to make the push for the playoffs, the M’s last week signed Chone Figgins to a 4 year $36 mil deal.  As much as I hate Figgins because of his time with Angels, I’m quite happy he’s coming to the M’s.  He’s one of those players that teams love to have and hate to play against, being a bit of a pest.  But I mean that in a good way.  Having him and Ichiro at the top of the lineup gives them two of the best table setters in the business.

In addition, with the Mariners signing Figgins and the Red Sox signing John Lackey away from the Angles, the Halos are certainly going to be hurting. The Mariners might even be the favorites to win the AL West right.  How awesome is that?

The question is what happens now?  The M’s probably still need to add at least one more bat.  There has been some talk of Adrian Gonzalez of the Padres, which would be incredible.  But there are other options if the team doesn’t want to give up the prospects that is would require to get the first baseman.  As is stands, the Mariners have added at least 7 wins to their true talent level in the last few weeks and, if you are an M’s fan, you have to be ecstatic.  Next season is going to be awesome.  Maybe there will be more tickling.

Mariners Defeat Twins With Entire Team of Possibly Evil Griffey Clones?

April 7, 2009

You heard it here first. Here is the video evidence.

Also, on a side note, Felix was fantastico!!! When asked about his performance Felix said “RAWWWWWRRRRRRRRR”…….That is all.




April 6, 2009


I know it’s hard to tear your eyes away from this glorious t-shirt but below is the Mariners prediction show…..BAPPA BAAA BAAPPAAAAA BAAA. So enjoy, and if you are a participant…do you really think the Mariners are going to be that good? Plbbbbbbbtttttt. So sit back, relax and enjoy some King Felix dishing tonight.

Wins and Losses 

Oil Can McDuck – 78-84

Jackelliotsmustache – 74-88

Double L – 78-84

Curious Case of BJ Upton – 77-85

Gary Old-Man – 71-91

The Jender Bender – 62-100

Ol’ Gibbage – 85-77

Harold Is Back – 85-77


Projected Starting Rotation

Oil Can McDuck – Felix, Bedard, Silva, Washburn, Morrow

Jackelliotsmustache – Felix, Bedard, Silva, Washburn, Morrow

Double L – Felix, Bedard, Morrow, Roland-Smith, Silva

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Felix, Bedard, Roland-Smith, Silva, Washburn

Gary Old-Man – Felix, Bedard, Washburn, Morrow, Silva

The Jender Bender –Felix “the cat”, Bedard, Silva, Washburn, Miggy

Ol’ Gibbage – Felix, Bedard, Silva, Morrow, Rowland-Smith (on a side note Washburn is a joke)

Harold Is Back – Felix, Bedard, Washburn, Silva, Roland-Smith


All Stars 

Oil Can McDuck – Ichiro, Beltre

Jackelliotsmustache – Ichiro, Beltre

Double L – Ichiro, Felix, Yuni

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Guitierrez

Gary Old-Man – Morrow

The Jender Bender – Ichiro

Ol’ Gibbage – Beltre, Felix, Ichiro, Griffey

Harold Is Back – Felix, Ichiro, Yuni


Felix’s Record

Oil Can McDuck – 14-8

Jackelliotsmustache – 16-9

Double L – 16-10

Curious Case of BJ Upton – 13-7

Gary Old-Man – 18-11

The Jender Bender – 11-10

Ol’ Gibbage – 19-9

Harold Is Back – 21-3


Griffey’s Line (AVG, HR, RBI)

Oil Can McDuck – .260, 25, 87

Jackelliotsmustache – .245, 26, 80

Double L – .273, 31, 108

Curious Case of BJ Upton – .260, 18, 58

Gary Old-Man – .303, 28, 92

The Jender Bender – .245, 21, 60

Ol’ Gibbage – .278, 28, 90

Harold Is Back – .273, 37, 83


Griffey’s Starts in the Outfield

Oil Can McDuck – 10

Jackelliotsmustache – 22

Double L – 16

Curious Case of BJ Upton – 10

Gary Old-Man – 42

The Jender Bender –24

Ol’ Gibbage – 163

Harold Is Back – 20


Jose Lopez Opening Day Weight

Oil Can McDuck – 215

Jackelliotsmustache – 210

Double L – 215

Curious Case of BJ Upton – 210

Gary Old-Man – 213

The Jender Bender –215

Ol’ Gibbage – 225

Harold Is Back – 200


Everyday Starter to Get Injured First

Oil Can McDuck – Russell Branyan

Jackelliotsmustache – Mike Sweeny

Double L – Johjima

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Washburn

Gary Old-Man – Yuniesky

The Jender Bender – Griffey

Ol’ Gibbage – Hopefully Yuniesky

Harold Is Back – Beltre


Team Leader in Wins (and number of)

Oil Can McDuck – Bedard/Felix (14)

Jackelliotsmustache – Felix (16)

Double L – Felix (16)

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Felix (13)

Gary Old-Man – Bedard (20)

The Jender Bender – Felix (11)

Ol’ Gibbage – Felix (19)

Harold Is Back – Felix (21)


Team Leader in AVG (and number)

Oil Can McDuck – Ichiro (.332)

Jackelliotsmustache – Ichiro (.335)

Double L – Ichiro (.334)

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Ichiro (.310)

Gary Old-Man – Ichiro (.321)

The Jender Bender –Ichiro (.311)

Ol’ Gibbage – Ichiro (.335)

Harold Is Back – Ichiro (.342)


Team Leader in HR (and number of)

Oil Can McDuck – Griffey (25)

Jackelliotsmustache – Beltre (35)

Double L – Griffey (31)

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Beltre (27)

Gary Old-Man – Beltre (35)

The Jender Bender – Beltre (28)

Ol’ Gibbage – Beltre (38)

Harold Is Back – Beltre (30)


Team Leader in Hits (and number of)

Oil Can McDuck – Ichiro (215)

Jackelliotsmustache – Ichiro (217)

Double L – Ichiro (231)

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Ichiro (220)

Gary Old-Man – Ichiro (202)

The Jender Bender –Ichiro (200)

Ol’ Gibbage – Ichiro (212)

Harold Is Back – Ichiro (210)


Team Leader in RBIs (and number of)

Oil Can McDuck – Beltre (98)

Jackelliotsmustache – Beltre (105)

Double L – Griffey (108)

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Lopez (90)

Gary Old-Man – Beltre (108)

The Jender Bender –Beltre (102)

Ol’ Gibbage – Beltre (128)

Harold Is Back – Griffey (83)


Team Leader in Errors (and number of)

Oil Can McDuck – Yuniesky (21)

Jackelliotsmustache – Yuniesky (20)

Double L – Yuniesky (18)

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Yuniesky (15)

Gary Old-Man – Yuniesky (22)

The Jender Bender – Lopez (23)

Ol’ Gibbage – Yuniesky (20)

Harold Is Back – Lopez (15)


Month of Griffey’s First Trip to the DL

Oil Can McDuck – June

Jackelliotsmustache – July

Double L – August

Curious Case of BJ Upton – May

Gary Old-Man – June

The Jender Bender –June

Ol’ Gibbage – Not Gonna Happen

Harold Is Back – Not Going to Happen


First Mariner Win of the Season (Date, Opponent, and Score)

Oil Can McDuck – April 6th, Minnesota, 4-1

Jackelliotsmustache – April 6th, Minnesota, 3-0

Double L – April 6th, Minnesota, 5-3

Curious Case of BJ Upton – April 6th, Minnesota, 6-4

Gary Old-Man – April 7th, Minnesota, 4-3

The Jender Bender –April 8th, Minnesota, 10-7 

Ol’ Gibbage – April 6th, Minnesota, 3-2

Harold Is Back – April 6th, Minnesota, 5-3


Number of Games Where Bedard Goes More Than 5 Innings

Oil Can McDuck – 18

Jackelliotsmustache – 19

Double L – 14

Curious Case of BJ Upton – 12

Gary Old-Man – 15

The Jender Bender –10

Ol’ Gibbage – 20

Harold Is Back – 8


Where Clement Will Get Most of His Starts

Oil Can McDuck – Catcher

Jackelliotsmustache – Catcher

Double L – 1B

Curious Case of BJ Upton – DH

Gary Old-Man – Seattle (Cheater! But chances are a winner none the less)

The Jender Bender –Catcher

Ol’ Gibbage – Catcher

Harold Is Back – 1B


First Mariner Minor Leaguer to be Called Up

Oil Can McDuck – Garrett Olson (P)

Jackelliotsmustache – Michael Saunders (OF)

Double L – Matt Tuiasisopo

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Chris Shelton

Gary Old-Man – Bryan LaHair

The Jender Bender –Mike Sweeny

Ol’ Gibbage – Matt Tuiasisopo (When Yuni keeps sucking)

Harold Is Back – Freddy Guzman


Oil Can McDuck – Mark Lowe

Jackelliotsmustache – David Aardsma

Double L –  Mark Lowe

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Mark Lowe

Gary Old-Man – Miguel Batista

The Jender Bender – Mark Lowe

Ol’ Gibbage – Miguel Batista

Harold Is Back – Brandon Morrow


Date of Griffey’s First HR

Oil Can McDuck – April 7 vs. Minnesota

Jackelliotsmustache – April 14 vs. Angels

Double L – April 15th vs. Angels 

Curious Case of BJ Upton – April 18 vs.

Gary Old-Man – April 14 vs Angels

The Jender Bender – April xth, Mineesota (3rd games)

Ol’ Gibbage – April 14th vs Angels

Harold Is Back – April 7th vs. Minnesota


AL West Standings

Oil Can McDuck – LA, SEA, OAK, TEX

Jackelliotsmustache – LA, TEX, SEA, OAK

Double L – LA, TEX, OAK, SEA

Curious Case of BJ Upton – LA, TEX, SEA, OAK

Gary Old-Man – LA, OAK, SEA, TEX

The Jender Bender – LA, OAK, TEX, SEA

Ol’ Gibbage – SEA, LA, TEX, OAK

Harold Is Back – LA, SEA, TEX, OAK




Oil Can McDuck – Miguel Cabrera

Jackelliotsmustache –  Josh Hamilton

Double L – Josh Hamilton

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Evan Longoria

Gary Old-Man – Evan Longoria

The Jender Bender – A-Rod (icky)

Ol’ Gibbage – Josh Hamilton

Harold Is Back – Evan Longoria


AL Cy Young

Oil Can McDuck – Roy Halladay

Jackelliotsmustache – 

Double L – C.C. Sabathia

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Roy Halladay

Gary Old-Man – John Lester

The Jender Bender – Matt Garza

Ol’ Gibbage – Felix Hernandez

Harold Is Back – Daisuke Matsuzaka


Total At-Bats For Balentin

Oil Can McDuck – 200

Jackelliotsmustache – 235

Double L –  337

Curious Case of BJ Upton – 200

Gary Old-Man – 246

The Jender Bender –100

Ol’ Gibbage – 498

Harold Is Back – 237

Goodbye and Good Luck…..Minus the Luck Part

June 17, 2008

         Surely my 2 or 3 readers have been clamoring for a post from the very minute Mariners General Manager Bill Bavasi was fired Monday early afternoon. So as not to disappoint I have crafted a small limerick in honor of this momentous occasion………


From Year to Year, From Day to Day

No Matter the price, a free agent you’d pay

Extravagant fees, Ridiculous prices

That’s why you sucked, that’s why we iced ya’


From Washburn to Cairo, Dumb moves aplenty

You Sent Down Clement, You’re stupid times twenty

So We Say Goodbye, and We Wish You the Best

Enjoy Unemployment; you’ve earned You Some Rest


So as we rebuild, and Pick up the pieces

We’ll think off you fondly, as the anger decreases

In Ten Thousand Years, For the Crimes you’ve committed

Perhaps but not likely, That You’ll be acquitted


All said, Bill Bavasi wasn’t and awful dude, he was just an awful General Manager. As a lifelong baseball man perhaps it’s time to move on to something else more suited to your talents…….I can’t really think of any occupation where over paying for mediocre results is a good thing………but don’t lose hope you’ll find your niche.

Dear Crayola, Your Crayons Suck

April 4, 2008



          Color me impressed with the start the Mariners young middle infielders Jose Lopez and Yuniesky Betancourt are having at the plate (Betancourt .545 avg, Lopez 5 RBI) but make sure you use a really skeptical color. Can we expect this kind of production, or even average years from them? Short answer, no…..Long answer, probably no. Don’t get me wrong, if Lopez keeps driving in runs I will be happy to eat some crow, but realistically it’s not going to happen.  The offensive production from the Mariners is going to have to come from somewhere else.  One could argue the area in which we would expect to generate most of our runs is our biggest weakness. The three and four spots are held by 100 year old Raul Ibanez and by the big whiffer himself, Richie Sexson respectively. Between those 2 we will be lucky to get the production to match that of any other team’s cleanup hitter. One jokester suggested bringing Jeff Clement up from the minor leagues and putting together a trade package with Kenji Johjima (a career .288 hitter) as the keystone to acquire Ken Griffey Jr., a.k.a. Mr. Glass, to be a DH. Though this doesn’t help us defensively, it could put a lefty deep ball threat into a lineup that is severely lacking power. Two major problems would stand in the way of reuniting “The Kid” with the city where he started his career: first, Bill Bavasi sucks and isn’t will to make the deal necessary to create a true playoff contender. He tends to do just enough to not get fired and to his credit he has been doing that consistently since 2003… he’s got that going for him. Secondly, Clement is not quite ready to be a full time catcher. In an origination that has shown they have no issue with the “baptism by fire” approach to player development (see Felix Hernandez), this would be too much even for them. Though Clement is a skilled young prospect and most likely the catcher of the future, he still needs some time to develop into an everyday big league catcher. So where do we go from here you might ask and what can be added to a possibly anemic offense? Your guess is as good as mine.