Archive for the ‘Basketball’ Category

Hey! Aron Baynes! You Need to Read This!!!!

March 12, 2009


Dear Senor Baynes,

I am an older child (25) from a small village outside the city of Seattle. I have enjoyed watching you play for the last few years and as a die-hard Cougar fan I would like to thank you for your contributions, both to Washington State University and to college basketball. I have also been incredibly fortunate to be considered by my friends (also huge cougar fans) to be your doppelganger (or twin for those of you who aren’t familiar with the doppelganger concept). Along with watching your amazing skills, this fact has added great joy to my watching of Cougar hoops. I receive uplifting phone calls and or text messages whenever “I” (you) make a great play, and just to keep the universe balanced, mean texts or phone calls when you commit fouls…..99% of which are garbage calls…Basketball is a physical game….if you weren’t meant to play rough they would have called it Letsholdhandsanddancearoundinafieldofflowersball. The reason for my correspondence (It’s a big word, I learned it at WSU…..Bella la Cougs) is to ask a favor: When an NBA team undoubtedly picks you up, I will be the first one running out to purchase your jersey (please no Oklahoma City Thunder…they suck and their unis are UGLY), but presently this is not an option. So my goal has become getting my hands on a game worn Aaron Baynes Washington State University Cougars basketball jersey, both to commemorate the amazing run of cougar hoops in the last few years and to remember this oddity that is our twinsy-ness that my friends find so amazing. I realize the second reason is intrinsically creepy and stalker-ish, but I assure you I am a somewhat normal (normalcy greatly exaggerated) human being. I mean, I’m a rabid cougar fan, so let’s just say I am as normal as possible as far as Cougar fans go. I am not asking for a handout, but as it turns out your jersey is a piece of Cougwear that is hard to come by. Trust me – I scoured the ebays and the Amazons, and all the entirety of the interwebs. I was hoping you could point me in the right direction as to how one might go about acquiring a genuine, game worn Aaron Baynes jersey. Price is not an issue, unless of course it’s ludicrously expensive….dude, I’m not made of money…..though if I was I would totally use the money that makes up my being to buy it….even if it meant I would no longer have my left arm that was made of $100 bills. So I am asking you – as a fellow Coug and a fellow “movie star good looks” having guy – please tell me how to nab your jersey….it would mean a lot to a group of your biggest fans and lifelong Cougs.


JackeElliotsMustache (Esquire)


FSN Broadcast Goes Down Like Crap on a Crap-Cracker

January 30, 2009


              Oh happy day! In a season where big victories are hard to come by, I am insanely ecstatic: FSN, or the Fox Sports Network, decided not to show the #14 team in the nation (featuring the conference’s number one scorer) against one of last year’s sweet sixteen participants (and arguably the most suffocating defense in the nation). Now, it’s hard not to admit that the Cougs aren’t exactly performing to the same standard as the last two years (we’ve been spoiled), but seriously? You pass on showcasing the most exciting talent in your conference – James Harden – to show an athletically sloppy, poorly coached, Lute Olsen-less Arizona team against an overrated, fraudulent, Washington Husky team? Granted, the game was somewhat entertaining, in an “a bunch of crazy people are shooting 40 foot jumpers” kind of way, but I for one would love to have seen my Cougs beat a top 20 team in their building. I guess I’m asking too much from FSN, who has to dole out their 2 cameras (both of which are handheld VHS camcorders borrowed from Marty McFly, who traveled back to the future to deliver them) to a single Pac-10 location twice weekly. But really, it’s true; my standards are way to high for a rinky-dink operation…. I mean they employ D’marco Farr! D’marco “likes anything that’s shiny” Farr! A man with more short-bus frequent rider miles that he can count…. To be fair he can only count to potato (his words not mine) but still…you get my point. I guess it’s too much to expect a decent slate of games every Thursday and Saturday…oh well…I can just watch “ESPN game cast” and *imagine* Klay Thompson going 8 of 10 from three and dropping 28 points.  No, I’m not bitter I missed the Cougs marquee win of the season thus far…I am just upset that FSN is run by a collective group of morons hell-bent on showing the least desirable games as often as possible in order to keep viewer ship down so they can take over the world …which happens to be the company’s mission statement.


PS: Also, maybe try using your HD channel every now and again jerks.

Don’t Wake the Sleeping Giant….RArrrrr

January 29, 2009



Oh man, it’s been so long……It’s one of those things where life gets all crazy and what you love sometimes suffers as a result. But no longer!!! I am not a slave to the business man (thanks Josh Brown). Feeling like a grizzly bear fresh off a nice hibernation session, I am ready to terrorize national parks and steal picnic baskets. So much has happened in the world of sports recently (most of which will be treated as if it never happened)… incident that must be mentioned (because if I didn’t my buddy, an Arizona grad, would be very upset) is the thuggish play of University of Houston guard Aubrey Coleman. In the 96-90 overtime loss to Arizona, Coleman decided he would play “foot to head…head to ground” with Chase Budinger. Budinger or, “the great white hope”, made a “gritty” play taking a charge near midcourt….which clearly upset Coleman enough to smush a dude’s face.  Coleman, who has flip flopped many times on his reasoning, has settled with the ol’ “I noticed a small fire on the side of his head and so I decided to put it out with my shoe” excuse. University of Houston coach, Tom Penders, lauds Coleman as a “hero” and believes Aubrey “face blaster” Coleman (as he is now known) should be credited with saving Budinger’s life. In spite of the last few sentences being totally made up by our crack team of fake investigative investigators, the whole incident was still garbage. Coleman was seen laughing and getting high fives (people still do that?) from teammates after he was ejected. This alone should warrant at least a five game suspension but, instead the school has suspended the Cougars’ second leading scorer for a single game so he can be back in time for the team’s game at Memphis on the 31st of January. Me-thinks Tom Penders has looked at his teams schedule, perhaps. I, for one, am ok with this move by the UH athletic department… long as it is paired with a Chase-Budinger-free-junk-shot on both Coleman and Penders. I mean if Coleman means that much to your team, coach, you should be willing to wear a kick to the groin to have him play. The whole thing is ridiculous and if it wasn’t coming from the University of Houston I am sure the national sports media would be up in arms about this…..Like, say if James Harden pulled a Coleman on stupid smelly Jon Brockman you know the pac-10 is going to come down hard on that (even if I would love to see Brockman have his face stepped on). This is total speculation but I couldn’t see anything less than a 3 game suspension handed down by the school and possibly even more by the conference….And Harden is arguably the best player in the conference on one of the best teams in said conference. Ahhhh but things work differently in Conference USA……and most especially at the University of Houston. It is a university well known for loose morals and shady cheater types in leadership roles (see University of Houston Football circa 1988). In conclusion, like most good wannabe journalists with no sort of formal training or even classes taken down at the local YMCA I must end with an epic closing that restates the thesis of my entire post….So, I’m back, the University of Houston is a garbage school with trashy athletics, Tom Penders should be kicked in the crotch, and I want to see Jon Brockman have his face squished…..that is all.



Sue Bird “Smurfed” Who???!!!

June 14, 2008

As the NBA finals chug along, I can’t help but not care. From over-paid, infantile superstars to whom Joe Everyman can’t relate to an egotistical, single-minded lunatic at the helm of a stinking ship (see what I did there? I replaced ‘sinking’ with ‘stinking…’ it’s called comedy…) the NBA could not be in a worse place in my mind. Much of the frustration stems from the rape-and-pillage style theft of the Seattle Suuuuuuuuuuuppppperrrrrsoooooonnnniiicccccss by one David “The Emperor” Stern and his “Darth Vader,” if you will (and I will), Clay Bennett; but there is definitely more to my righteous anger towards the NBA. So in the spirit of full disclosure, I have to admit large amounts of schadenfreude as the cloud of fixed games looms ominously over the NBA. The integrity of the game has not been entirely discredited, but the seed of doubt has been planted in the court of public opinion…and that’s enough. The irony of this whole Ref-Gate situation is that Stern has decided to focus on the fact that the ref in question is a criminal; therefore, his testimony cannot be trusted…..but then, wouldn’t the same go for Stern as he commits the theft of an entire sports franchise from a city? I know it’s a stretch, but I refer you to the schadenfreude stated above… so I can say what I want. All in all, Stern’s treatment of the media in this whole situation will be what damns him, as he has been combative and irritable toward the very people who shape the public’s view of the issues, and nothing makes me happier. Stern is a weasel who was lucky enough to be commissioner during the Bird, Magic, & Jordan era, and nothing would make me happier than to see his “good name” raked through the mud in every news and media outlet across this great nation of ours (more schadenfreude). So on the heels of all this, I have decided that it is my civic duty to provide a list of 3 things I find as entertaining as the snoozeworthy product that the NBA craps onto the floor every night:

1) Writing angry letters to the FCC about words that sound like swears on TV but aren’t really swears. This is a great time filler as we wait for football season…the FCC is flooded with thousands of complaints daily, but few are as entertaining as letters about Papa Smurf and Smurfette’s “smurfing” interactions being highly inappropriate – and damaging – to America’s youth.

2) The WNBA – You might be saying to yourself “women’s basketball…that’s WAY worse….” but one of the funniest things ever is to see some girl running out all alone on a fast break, and drive to the bucket like she’s going to dunk, and….wait for it….. lay it up off the glass with a perfectly executed fundamental lay-in.

3) Watching DVR’d episodes of quiz shows I have already watched – there are few things in life as entertaining as being smarter than other people, and what easier way is there to flex your mental muscle than to dominate people on TV who have no idea they are competing against you? The joy I get from shouting out memorized answers about “Notable Botanists of the 1800’s” before the contestants on Jeopardy is unmatched….especially if they get it wrong…..idiots…everyone knows Katie Furbish founded the Josselyn Botanical Society of Maine.

So, enjoy these alternatives to NBA basketball while you still can…but the NBA season will be over soon… so we have that to look forward to.