For those of us fortunate enough to experience the first 6 innings of Doug Fister’s amazing pitching performance, we can count ourselves ROBBED! Robbed, dear friends, of an all-but-guaranteed complete game no-hitter…..robbed of this by none other than S&T writer Double L. Allow me to tell you a story of betrayal……
[**A quick note: Before we navigate the perils of space and time to prove that Double L screwed everything up, it will greatly enhance your reading journey to have an accurate picture of what I look like. Imagine if George Clooney and Leonardo DiCaprio had a baby, then that baby somehow made a baby with the baby of Brad Pitt and Ewan McGregor…..and when THAT baby grew up it had a baby with Tom Selleck (for moustachey goodness) and was also all super-ripped and had like, laser eyes and, ummmm, robot hands and stuff……well that would be me. Also, I have the tail of a lion. So now that you have the proper frame of reference, let’s travel back to yesterday…a simpler time…**] (Our time travel will be aided by the coolest homemade compilation of Back to the Future screengrabs known to man…and it’s FRENCH….Retour Vers le Futur indeed!!!)
After cleaning up the house at the request of my lovely roommate (wife), I grabbed a delightful beer and landed my awesome ass on the couch just in time to catch the last few innings of the game. Watching Fister work fastball after fastball to the lowly Orioles lineup was both fun AND exhilarating. That’s when it happened……the ding of the iPhone text message…the name “Mollin Mennett” (name changed to protect stupid Collin Ben….dang it) appeared with an ominous message below: “DOUG EFFING FISTER!”…..Within three seconds of reading this message, Nick Markakis drove a ball right back up the box into center field breaking up the no-hitter. Lucky for our own Double L, he wasn’t in range of my laser eyes…or whatever awesome power I gave myself in the above description which I am too lazy to revisit in order to stay consistent….because if he WAS within range I would have toasted his brains via his rectum (Rectum? Damn near killed’em! …..er, sorry). As ANY baseball fan knows, you get passed the 5th inning with a no-no, you DON’T TALK TO ANYBODY for fear of jinxing the outing. Well looks like Jerky McAss-Hat missed the memo. This is why the blame falls squarely on his dainty, lady-like shoulders….right where the straps of his training bra sit. I know you all are as livid as I am, so I am taking this opportunity to give you a voice to speak out against the atrocities committed by Double L. Use the comment section to call him all sorts of names and draw dirty pictures of him and John Goodman together……..have at him, for he RUINED THE NIGHT.