Posts Tagged ‘jerks’

First Post of 2010! I Win!!

April 20, 2010

For those of us fortunate enough to experience the first 6 innings of Doug Fister’s amazing pitching performance, we can count ourselves ROBBED! Robbed, dear friends, of an all-but-guaranteed complete game no-hitter…..robbed of this by none other than S&T writer Double L. Allow me to tell you a story of betrayal……
 

[**A quick note: Before we navigate the perils of space and time to prove that Double L screwed everything up, it will greatly enhance your reading journey to have an accurate picture of what I look like. Imagine if George Clooney and Leonardo DiCaprio had a baby, then that baby somehow made a baby with the baby of Brad Pitt and Ewan McGregor…..and when THAT baby grew up it had a baby with Tom Selleck (for moustachey goodness) and was also all super-ripped and had like, laser eyes and, ummmm, robot hands and stuff……well that would be me. Also, I have the tail of a lion. So now that you have the proper frame of reference, let’s travel back to yesterday…a simpler time…**] (Our time travel will be aided by the coolest homemade  compilation of Back to the Future screengrabs known to man…and it’s FRENCH….Retour Vers le Futur indeed!!!)


 
After cleaning up the house at the request of my lovely roommate (wife), I grabbed a delightful beer and landed my awesome ass on the couch just in time to catch the last few innings of the game. Watching Fister work fastball after fastball to the lowly Orioles lineup was both fun AND exhilarating. That’s when it happened……the ding of the iPhone text message…the name “Mollin Mennett” (name changed to protect stupid Collin Ben….dang it) appeared with an ominous message below: “DOUG EFFING FISTER!”…..Within three seconds of reading this message, Nick Markakis drove a ball right back up the box into center field breaking up the no-hitter. Lucky for our own Double L, he wasn’t in range of my laser eyes…or whatever awesome power I gave myself in the above description which I am too lazy to revisit in order to stay consistent….because if he WAS within range I would have toasted his brains via his rectum (Rectum? Damn near killed’em! …..er, sorry). As ANY baseball fan knows, you get passed the 5th inning with a no-no, you DON’T TALK TO ANYBODY for fear of jinxing the outing. Well looks like Jerky McAss-Hat missed the memo. This is why the blame falls squarely on his dainty, lady-like shoulders….right where the straps of his training bra sit. I know you all are as livid as I am, so I am taking this opportunity to give you a voice to speak out against the atrocities committed by Double L. Use the comment section to call him all sorts of names and draw dirty pictures of him and John Goodman together……..have at him, for he RUINED THE NIGHT.

(PROOF BELOW)

Sue Bird “Smurfed” Who???!!!

June 14, 2008

As the NBA finals chug along, I can’t help but not care. From over-paid, infantile superstars to whom Joe Everyman can’t relate to an egotistical, single-minded lunatic at the helm of a stinking ship (see what I did there? I replaced ‘sinking’ with ‘stinking…’ it’s called comedy…) the NBA could not be in a worse place in my mind. Much of the frustration stems from the rape-and-pillage style theft of the Seattle Suuuuuuuuuuuppppperrrrrsoooooonnnniiicccccss by one David “The Emperor” Stern and his “Darth Vader,” if you will (and I will), Clay Bennett; but there is definitely more to my righteous anger towards the NBA. So in the spirit of full disclosure, I have to admit large amounts of schadenfreude as the cloud of fixed games looms ominously over the NBA. The integrity of the game has not been entirely discredited, but the seed of doubt has been planted in the court of public opinion…and that’s enough. The irony of this whole Ref-Gate situation is that Stern has decided to focus on the fact that the ref in question is a criminal; therefore, his testimony cannot be trusted…..but then, wouldn’t the same go for Stern as he commits the theft of an entire sports franchise from a city? I know it’s a stretch, but I refer you to the schadenfreude stated above… so I can say what I want. All in all, Stern’s treatment of the media in this whole situation will be what damns him, as he has been combative and irritable toward the very people who shape the public’s view of the issues, and nothing makes me happier. Stern is a weasel who was lucky enough to be commissioner during the Bird, Magic, & Jordan era, and nothing would make me happier than to see his “good name” raked through the mud in every news and media outlet across this great nation of ours (more schadenfreude). So on the heels of all this, I have decided that it is my civic duty to provide a list of 3 things I find as entertaining as the snoozeworthy product that the NBA craps onto the floor every night:

1) Writing angry letters to the FCC about words that sound like swears on TV but aren’t really swears. This is a great time filler as we wait for football season…the FCC is flooded with thousands of complaints daily, but few are as entertaining as letters about Papa Smurf and Smurfette’s “smurfing” interactions being highly inappropriate – and damaging – to America’s youth.

2) The WNBA – You might be saying to yourself “women’s basketball…that’s WAY worse….” but one of the funniest things ever is to see some girl running out all alone on a fast break, and drive to the bucket like she’s going to dunk, and….wait for it….. lay it up off the glass with a perfectly executed fundamental lay-in.

3) Watching DVR’d episodes of quiz shows I have already watched – there are few things in life as entertaining as being smarter than other people, and what easier way is there to flex your mental muscle than to dominate people on TV who have no idea they are competing against you? The joy I get from shouting out memorized answers about “Notable Botanists of the 1800’s” before the contestants on Jeopardy is unmatched….especially if they get it wrong…..idiots…everyone knows Katie Furbish founded the Josselyn Botanical Society of Maine.

So, enjoy these alternatives to NBA basketball while you still can…but the NBA season will be over soon… so we have that to look forward to.