Oh, Happy Day!

by

After waking up this morning at 6 a.m. to put out signs for the Bellevue Market (go to it, all you eastsiders; it’s at First Presbyterian Church of Bellevue from 3-7!), I peered through my tired eyes and looked at the sun-shiney day in front of me and thought, “it’s going to be a glorious day”.  I couldn’t have been more correct.  In what has otherwise been a very bleak month for Seattle sports fans, some great news arrived at all our doorsteps this morning as the Seattle Mariners officially released the all-around abomination known as Richie Sexson.

Now, we all know that this is a move the front-office goons should have made at least a year ago, but hey, better late than never, right?  Sexson has been a serious contender for world’s greatest choke artist for a while now, and the amount of undeserved money the Mariners have paid him is almost criminal.  This act of the Mariners finally releasing him should serve as the final coup de grâce for his career.  By the way, for those of you wondering what coup de grâce means, it is French for “a deathblow of mercy to end the suffering of one who is mortally wounded”.  Trust me.  Wikipedia never lies. 

But hey, let’s keep in mind that Sexson being released isn’t all good news for the M’s.  First of all, now the Mariners have virtually no chance of having the Mendoza Line renamed in honor of one of their players.  Additionally, now that Big Bad Richie is gone, who is gonna charge the mound after getting a little chin music?  We all have to admit, it was pretty funny to watch him throw his helmet at Kason Gabbard.

Anyway, Seattleites will always remember July 10th as being the date in which the Mariners finally released the leech of their program, Richie “Free-Swinging” Sexson.  This move is a reassuring sign that he head honchos of the Mariners organization finally know what they’re doing.  Keep in mind that Bavasi’s bright idea had been to wait to release Sexson until a suitable replacement became available in free agency, which most baseball enthusiasts agree is an obsolete system.  To all Mariners fans, I hope that you wil join me in parading down to Seattle, finding GM Lee Pelekoudas, hoisting him upon our shoulders, and buying him a drink. 

As for Sexson, all I can say is that he had to have known the time had come to call it quits.  I mean, being replaced in the lineup by Miguel Cairo is a pretty good indicator that things aren’t working out too well for ya, Richie baby.  I just hope that you’ll take your cool 50 million clams (that’s the cool way of saying “$50 million), finding a nice place to settle down that’s far away from any other human life (I suggest the moon), and shunning yourself from the rest of civilization.  You might as well shun mankind, because mankind will surely shun you for the rest of your pathetic little life. 

In other news, my boy R.A. Dickey is getting the ball tonight.  YES!  He’s always fun to watch.  That’s all I got for ya, folks.  Now go check out deadspin.com or something.

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