Archive for the ‘Why They Are Going to Suck’ Category

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch Changes (Also WTAGTS – Pirates Edition)

April 14, 2009


In case you haven’t noticed, this is taking forever. We have had some fun, Oil Can made the internet angry, and Double LL torched the impossible to pronounce Cubs line-up card. It’ sad, but its time to be done with baseball previews as most teams have already played at least 7 games. So we are going with a new format just to crush what’s left and get back to our modus operandi as soon as possible. This will be the last of the “Why They Are Going To Suck” individual team previews….which will be a breath of fresh air to some….and to others the foul stench of a Jackelliotsmustache Special Down Home Cooked Dutch oven. It doesn’t matter which side you choose because here come the “Standard Division Race Previews For the Ones We Couldn’t Finish in Time” previews.


With a tear and a song here is the final “Why They Are Going to Suck – Pirates Edition. It’s funny, this should be the easiest one to write of the whole lot…save the Marlins….but with the sites vision fully focused on the future and a noon trip to Safeco on my mind my mind grapes are not producing the juices I had hoped they would…..but that’s half the fun right? When in doubt turn to YouTube…..I wish I could credit the artist on this but without further ado…here is why they will suck thanks to the musical stylings of this dude.  




Final Prediction: The Pirates will be dead last based on ZERO power in their lineup and a total lack of a veteran presence on the team….Jack Wilson is the oldest player on the team at 30 and one of the saddest stories in baseball…..a Pirates lifer….man that sucks . They have decent 1 and 2 starters but after that the drop off is astronomical and continues all the way through their depressingly awful (even to non pirates fans) bullpen. 63-99…which will be good enough for the worst record in all of baseball…..Have fun Pittsburgh….Jerks


Why They are Going to Suck – Cubs Edition

April 8, 2009


Oh, Chicago Cubs, why must you perennially disappoint us year after year?  For shame, Chicago Cubs!  You haven’t won the World Series since 1908.  And people say Seattle sports teams suck!  Since 1984, the Cubbies have made the playoffs six times.  I can almost count that high on one hand!  And there are some people who can count to six on one hand! (Like Count Rugen from The Princess Bride.)  I wonder what the advantages to having six fingers would be.  You know, besides the obvious stuff, like having a great conversation starter which you could use to meet hot babes at “da’ club”.  But I digress.  Like I was saying, the Cubs have built a pretty strong and reliable reputation for letting their fans down.  Granted, the team has made massive strides toward redeeming themselves, especially in the past two seasons.  However, none of that will matter in 2009, when everything will go to Hell in a hand basket once again.

The reason for the Cubs’ inevitable collapse?  The names of their players.  The Cubs’ roster is filled with headache-enducing names, featuring players like Geovany Soto* and Michael Eugene Fontenot.  Other strange-but-true names include Joey Gathright, Ted Lilly (Lilly is either (1) a girl’s name, or (2) the name of a flower.  Talk about a no-win situation), Kosuke Fukudome (I don’t even know how to make a joke about his name without using the f-word), and Alfonso Soriano.

Finally, there’s the Cubs’ backup first baseman, Michah Hoffpauir.  Yes, that is the correct spelling.  I think I know what happened here.  Moments after Michah’s birth, the doctor asked his mother what her son was to be named.  Unfortunately, Michah’s momma had a postpartum seizure, and the incoherent babbling that emerged from her foaming mouth sounded something like “Michah Hoffpauir”.  Ever since then, poor Michah has been the target of many, many postpartum seizure baby jokes.

Right now, you’re probably thinking, “You’re right, Double L!  What a bunch of weirdos!  But why will the players’ names make them bad at baseball?”  Please, allow me to explain.  With so many unusual and unconventional names plaguing the roster, the players will have a very hard time pronouncing (or even remembering!) each others’ names.  How good can your team be if you can’t even remember what the guy standing next to you in the field is called?  The players will be so distracted by their teammates’ confusing names, they won’t be able to focus when the game is on the line.  I also envision many frustrated locker room interactions, like the one where Ted Lilly criticizes Fukudome and in the process accidentally drops an F-bomb.  This irks the easily-irkable Luis Vizcaino, who throws a punch at Aramis Ramirez, starting a clubhouse brawl that is broken up by pitching coach Larry Rothschild.  You can see how things might get a little wild and crazy, all because the stupid players can’t decide to change their names to something a little more manageable, like John Smith.

Final Prediction: Despite having a lineup full of CRAZY names, the Cubs of Chicago will overcome adversity and will reach the All-Star break with the best record in baseball (largely due to the absurd amount of talent on their team).  Even better, the team will be on pace to win a record 137 games!  HOORAY!!!  However, sometime in mid-August, the inevitable will occur.  The team will be flying to the west coast for a matchup against the San Diego Padres when the team’s pilot will make a light-hearted joke about Milton Bradley, incuring the wrath of the most psychotic player in MLB.  In a blind fury, Bradley will storm the cockpit and kill both pilots, sending the plane careening into a field where the whole team will die in a fiery crash.  Naturally, Steve Bartman will shoulder most of the blame.  The team will end the season with a record of 99-18.

Wow, that was a pretty depressing prediction.  Aaaaaanyway, here’s an absolutely hilarious video of Lou Pinella getting ejected.  Hopefully this will cheer you up.

*For your convenience, all the funny-sounding parts of the players’ names have been presented in bold font.  You’re welcome.

Why They are Going to Suck – Astros Edition

April 1, 2009


                 There I was, completely ready to drop a magnanimous sneak-peek of the mighty Houston Astros, when I stumbled upon a foreboding thought stream widely ignored by the mainstream fascist baseball media (that’s you John Kruk!…..fatty). So, I’m perusing the 40-man roster, seeing great names ranging from Lance “The Big Puma” Berkman to young up-and-comer Doug Brocail…..when all of a sudden I stumbled onto the edge of the rabbit hole of baseball cognizance…..the Houston Astros play in Houston. The key that unlocked the door to a world of mystery, intrigue, danger, murder, mysterious danger and murderous intrigue, was now in my hands. After a quick Wikipedia search of Houston, I quickly found out that it is in Texas, and arguably the most popular athlete in Houston history is Hakeem “The Dream” Olajuwon. Hakeem was parodied in Kevin Bacon’s career-making movie “Tair_up_therehe Air Up There.” Kevin Bacon, also in the hit movie “Tremors”, played a character named Valentine McKee, and Valentine’s Day is celebrated throughout the world on February 14th. The number 14 is divisible by 7, and newly signed catcher Ivan “Pudge” Rodriguez’s hit total for the 2008 season was 21, which is also divisible by 7. Marco Rodriguez was the key grip on the set of “Tremors 2: Aftershock,” which was an awful movie without the star power of Kevin Bacon. This was the “Aha!” moment of my journey, because for the Astros to even stand a chance against the many powerful foes of the NL Central, they will need the final piece to this whole giant puzzle……a great performance by Kevin Bacon. As it stands currently, Bacon is not on the Astros radar, let alone roster. Because of the infinitely small readership of this blog, paired with a scarcity of creativity in front office leadership from the Astros, chances are this invaluable information will not reach ‘Stros GM Ed Wade in time……but I can’t stress this enough, Ed: Kevin Bacon is your only hope!


 Final Prediction: After an 86-75 season last year, the Astros didn’t really do anything in the off-season to help themselves. This does not bode well for this year’s team, and chances are they will struggle to get to 80 wins. I have them finishing 80-82, and fourth in the NL Central.


Why They are Going to Suck – Reds Edition

March 31, 2009


These are tough times for Cincinnatins (Cincinnatians?  Cincinnationites?), and I’m not speaking in terms of the economy.  I’m talking about the abysmal, pitiful Reds.  They are surely going to be a joke this season.  And not a very funny joke at that.  And this is why.

Let’s start with their bats.  I know I spent a lot of time bashing Adam Dunn on my post about the Nationals, but even someone as bad as him looks like a superstar when compared to the clowns on the Reds’ current lineup.  When I looked at the Reds’ 40-man roster, the name that jumped out to me above all others is Cincy’s fourth-string outfielder, Jacque Jones.  After a moment of pondering, I thought, “Is that the same Jacque Jones that played next to Torii Hunter for the Twins?  Whatever happened to that guy?  Didn’t he used to be pretty good?  Is Jacque a French name?”  The answer to those questions are yes, he became a bigger bust than Andruw Jones, yes, and yes (it’s a derivitive of the French name Jacques, like Jacques Cousteau).  jacque-jonesAs it turns out, Jacque, or J.J. as I like to call him, batted .142 in 42 games for the Marlins and Tigers last season, and BOTH teams designated him for assignment.  Wowzers.  Even Brad Wilkerson has had an easier time staying in the Major Leagues.  And Brad Wilkerson is no Andruw Jones, who can still make $14 million while falling short of EVERYONE’S expectations (including his wife’s, if you catch my drift).

Aaaaaaanyway, let’s move onto the pitching.  Aaron Harang is currently listed as the Reds’ opening-day starter.  That is the same Aaron Harang that went 6-17 last season.  Clearly, he’s due for a turnaround, which is the theory that the Reds’ front-office gurus are clearly leaning on.  While it’s not completely retarded to have a pitcher this bad as your ace, what is retarded is having Harang ahead of Edison Volquez, the young phenom who went 17-6 last season and represents about 46% of the team’s talent.  Seriously?!  For shame, Reds’ front-office guys!  You make Bill Bavasi look like Will Hunting (SUCH a great movie).  On the bright side, they DID sign Arthur Rhodes.  I’ve always loved Arthur, with his diamond stud earrings and his fiery temper.  And the Reds must be ecstatic that they get to experience the joy of Rhodes’ 40th birthday at the end of the season!  Be sure to blow out all the candles, old man!  Last season, Rhodes had a 2.04 ERA in 35.1 innings, a stellar season for a man of his age.  This means that we can assume that either (a) he was juicing last season, and will suck this year, or (b) he left all his talent in Seattle, and will suck this year.

Final Prediction: the Reds will continue to suck in unbelievable fashion, posting a 76-86 record.  And Arthur Rhodes, aka Old Man Winter, will unfortunately get killed in a brawl shortly after the All-Star break.

Why They are Going to Suck – Red Sox Edition

March 25, 2009




Navigating the murky waters and hiking the muddy trails of baseball analysis has led me to a veritable treasure trove of insight into the upcoming season for the Boston Red Sox. If watching this years NCAA basketball tournament has taught us anything – and it has – it would be these two concrete, somewhat baseball-related truths: 1) the Pacific Life whale hip-hop fight song is without a doubt the coolest thing ever, and should be sampled into all past, current, and future songs of any genre; and 2) Dustin Pedroia cannot hit a high inside pitch to save his life…..and he is very self conscious about it. As a master of baseball prediction, I can safely say this single thing will ruin the Red Sox season – it will be their Achilles heel, if you will……and you will. For those unfamiliar with the depth of meticulous research that goes in to discovering such a fatal flaw, let me tell you, I’m sure it’s painstakingly brutal…..but for true masters of the baseball prediction all we need to do is watch MLB The Show 2009 for the Playstation 3 commercial. Having seen said commercial roughly 2600 times over the course of the first and second round games of the NCAA tourney, Pedroia’s obvious super-flaw of not being able to handle a pitch that is up and in has been pounded into my brain with all the subtlety of an elephant driving a bulldozer. How does this translate into why the Red Sox are going to suck? Patience my friend…..sometimes the journey is more important than the destination. (Write that down.) This glaring failing of Pedroias is only exacerbated by his constant prompting to remember he was the AL MVP; we get it….you had a great season….but if opposing teams had only pitched you high and tight you would have hit .105 and would be riding the pine pony for the Portland Sea Dogs……which, of course, is every boy’s dream. Assuming that people involved with Major League baseball also watch TV, they will know the secret to turning Dustin Pedroia into some sort of poop-eating super-goat of A-rod proportions by the Red Sox season opener. This alone will be enough to completely tear the Sox apart from the inside and will lead to the inevitable shunning of Pedroia along with his murder at the hands of David Ortiz…..also Kevin Youkilis and Mike Lowell will start dating, then break up due to an irreconcilable argument over who has the cooler beard……which will totally add to the bad vibes in the clubhouse and cause Jacoby Ellsbury’s Sidekick bill to go through the roof because of all the “OMG! AWKWARD!” texts he and Pedroia will exchange.


Final Prediction: There will be plenty of sad women in pink Big Papi jerseys across this great nation ofw6403-pnk-rsx34a1 ours. I’ve got the Sox behind both the Rays and the Yankees finishing the year a cool 84-78 which is sure to disappoint all the people sporting Boston gear at your local stadium who couldn’t name a single player from their lineup but have “always loved the Red Sox”.




Why They are Going to Suck – Blue Jays Edition

March 18, 2009

Powered by perennial Cy Young Award candidate Roy Halladay, most would look at the Jays and think “hey, they could be good this year.” Well, they can’t, and here’s why: they play in Canada. As we all know, Canadians are a cantankerous bunch, with their little beady eyes and their big flapping heads. They put mayo on their hamburgers!!! Who ruins a delicious hamburger like that?!? Canadians, that’s who.33-43505-f2 I am well aware that 0% of the Jays roster is actually from Canada…..but the Canadian way of life is a disease that permeates into the brains of even the staunchest of Americans. Examples of this Canadian infection are seen throughout the Jays lineup – when he was with St. Louis, once proud American Scott Rolen used to drive a big truck, eat apple pie, drink Budweiser, shoot defenseless animals, and participate in the democratic process. Rolen was seen last week attending parliamentary procedures whilst drinking a Labatt’s Blue and caring about hockey….unbelievable, I know. How does this affect the play of Canada’s baseball pride and joy? We all know baseball is AMERICA’s favorite pastime……so it’s obvious that un-American activities and thoughts would very much adversely affect ones ability to participate in said American pastime. How are you expected to hit a 90 MPH fastball when your head is full of curling stats, fond memories of Guy Lafleur, and last nights moose attack? You can’t be, and this is why the Jays will not be good and can never be good. Now of course, we all remember their 1993 World Series Championship, but it’s a well documented fact that many of the starters for that team actually were injected with an extra dose of “America” to counteract the Canadian contagion before every game. (Note: “America” is now on baseball’s banned substance list, which is why their success was a one time thing.) The current incarnation of the Jays is a talented bunch who are destined to be like every other Jays team and like all Canadians…..very cold, and somewhat French.
Final Prediction: A cure for “Canada” will be discovered in the coming months, but due to clinical trials will be delayed for years; so, the Jays will finish 84-78 and, once again, America Jr. will be left without a title (in the last 15 years) in a legitimate sport. 







Why They are Going to Suck – Orioles Edition

March 17, 2009


When you think of the storied past of the AL East, what is the first great team that comes to mind?  If you’re a true baseball fan, you obviously imagine the unstoppable dynasty that is the Baltimore Orioles.

Wait a minute — did I really just say that?!  I apologize for that ridiculous statement!  OF COURSE the Orioles aren’t the first AL East dynasty that comes to mind!  (The Blue Jays are.)  I must have temporarily forgotten how much the O’s suck.  You’ll have to forgive me.  The Orioles have always sucked, and they always will suck.  And believe you me, 2009 will be no exception.

First, let’s take a look at the Orioles’ top players, Aubrey Huff and Melvin Mora.  Melvin and Aubrey?  That sounds like the failed sequel to Mork and Mindy.

When your power hitter is named after a girl and your fleet-footed third baseman sounds like the nerd in a ’60s sitcom, you know you’re in trouble.  Furthermore (or is that “furthermora“?), Mel is currently nursing a sore hamstring and was forced to sit out of Venezuela’s most recent game in the WBC.  Could this hamstring problem spell disaster for the Orioles this season?

It doesn’t really matter, because they’ll still suck either way.  Let’s look at their starting pitching rotation.  Their ace, Jeremy Guthrie, was 10-12 last season.  Granted, as a Mariners fan, I don’t have much of a leg to stand on, but come on!  At least people have heard of the M’s starting five.  The Orioles have Guthrie, newcomer Koji Uehara (who has a strained hamstring), Rich Hill (career 18-17 record), Adam Eaton (4-8, 5.80 ERA in 2008), and Danys Baez (31-43, missed 2008 season with an injury).  Needless to say, that is quite the conglomerate of future Hall-of-Famers.

What a crappy guy

I should give credit where credit is due.  They do have these two really awesome players, George Sherrill and Adam Jones.  Sherrill is one of the top 3 closers in the league, and Jones is a definite future All Star.  Hang on a second… why do those names sound so familiar?  Oh yeah!  Those are the two great players we traded for the poopy jerkface dud that is Erik Bedard!

Final prediction: The miserable O’s of Baltimore will finish 70-92, last in America’s favorite division, the A.L. East.  At least they’ll have a better season than their nearby N.L. affiliate, the Washington Nationals.  Not that it would be a huge accomplishment.

Why They are Going to Suck – Marlins Edition

March 13, 2009

Continuing our trip around the League of Ineptitude, our next stop is the Florida Marlins.  The Fish play in Dolphins Stadium, perhaps the worst stadium to watch a baseball game that has ever been constructed.  Just look at it;  it’s ugly and orange and devoid of any personality.    marlinsYou couldn’t pay me to watch a game there and, apparently, Miamians feel the same way because when this picture was taken there was an actual Major League Baseball game taking place.  This game between the Marlins and Nats drew 400 people.   400 people!  To a regular season game!  Seriously.  One guy got thrown for heckling the ump.  You could hear the namecalling on TV.  Fun fact:  The Marlins are the first Major League team to have a cheer/dance team.  Can you imagine trying to get excited to cheer for a team that is drawing 400 fans?  And think about the actual cheering; there would be an echo like the Grand Canyon.  Just brutal.  The add campaign this year is “It’s where you wanna be,” following the two previous years of “You Gotta Be Here” and “You Gotta Be Here 2008.”  I think it’s time for something a little more original, like “Come to a baseball game.”  The people of Miami might need a hint as to why they want to be there.

The problem is that the baseball being played isn’t likely to draw anyone, so they might just want to give up.  Their starting rotation consists of Ricky Nolasco, Josh Johnson, Chris Volstad, Anibal Sanchez and Andrew Miller.  Has anyone besides their moms ever heard of these guys?  And the Marlins best player, Hanley Ramirez, might be the second worst defensive shortstop in the majors, behind only the wizard of fielding that is Derek Jeter.

And why are they so terrible on the field?  Their owner, Jeff Loria, is working on single-handedly killing his second franchise now, after  wrecking everything that was good and pure about baseball in Montreal.  Jeff must have some blackmail-worthy pictures of  Bud Selig (sick) because, after murdering the Expos, Bud decided to give him another chance to suck the life out of a fan base when he gave him the Marlins.  And Jeff is doing a pretty bang up job.  So far, he’s sold off every player that has come through the system that has any remote value as soon as they are able to ask for more money.  And he’s doing his best to eradicate any good will the team might have by demanding that a new stadium be built by the taxpayers.  Just awesome leadership there.  But there is one reason to come to the game – you can get one of these cute little Marlins plush bear.  That will make up for it.


Final Prediction:  The Fish have some good building blocks for the future, but their “frugal” owner is just going to ship off the best parts anyway. So due to the less than passionate support they will receive, the Marlins will again finish right around .500 and in the middle of the pack in the NL East.

Why They are Going to Suck – Mets Edition

March 11, 2009


In honor of his recent book release, today’s Mets preview is structured in a way as to honor Darryl “can I borrow some coke money?” Strawberry. (Quick side note…his book, “Cash For Gold (Because Drug Dealers Don’t Accept Gold)” is available from Kinko’s Publishing for $39.95…..available where stolen stereos are sold.)

Holla Back Shotay! Its Mets time.

S – Smelly Pirate Hookers: The Mets have them in spades!  Headlining the group of crap-bags is the one and only Jose Bernabe Reyes….could he be any more annoying? With his stupid face and dumb consistently-awesome play….makes me sick.

T – Trades and Acquisitions: The Mets should make more and shouldn’t have made the ones they did. I hate to pick on former Mariners….but the last time the Mets front office saw J.J. Putz was probably at the All-Star game in 2007; just a heads up – he is a substantially different pitcher than he was that ONE year…but hey you got Jeremy Reed in the same deal, so enjoy that.

R – Rivals (as in cross-town rivals): Lets be honest….anyone going to New York is hoping they play for the Yankees; let’s do some role play to prove this point – you be the major leaguer, and I will be your mooching high school buddy who takes care of your house when you go on road trips (and by “takes care” I mean “sleeps on your couch year-round and pretends to be you to impress the ladies”).

You: Hey, I got traded to New York.

Me: That’s awesome, I can’t wait! New Yankee Stadium is sweet!

You: Well, actually I got traded to the Mets.

Me: Oooooohhh…..huh……you know, I’ve always been kinda interested in trying out that whole “sleeping on the street and eating out of garbage cans” thing, so I think I’ll stick around here and pursue that….but you have fun buddy! Welp, see ya around…..[Runs out door.]

A – Aggregate Demand: Sure, guys get paid a fortune to play for the Mets compared to say, playing for the Marlins…but every player entering free agency is really hoping to get paid what he is “really worth.” Unfortunately, there is only one team who can afford to pay delusional baseball players what they are “really worth,” and they play in the same city. This leads to a lot of jealously….it hurts morale a bit when Luis Castillo is riding his Huffy to the ballpark and sees Derek Jeter in a Bentley made of gold.

W – Washed up: Rumor has it, Pedro Martinez has a call in to the Mets just to let them know he is still available… yeah, we know. Who else is going to pick you up besides the sucker Mets? There isn’t a doubt in my mind they will throw him some silly amount of money to, once again, be on the DL for an entire season.

B – Baseball: They just plain can’t play it….especially in August and September….but hey, they have a bunch of April to July NL East titles…so they’ve got that going for them.


E – Elaine Benes: Baltimore Orioles fan and noted Yankees/Mets hater. I’m not quite sure how anyone could play with her wearing her Orioles hat and heckling the crap out of you during interleague play. Good luck with that, David Wright…..she’s in your head.

R – Riding the Subway: Sure, mass transit is cool and helpful for us poor people, but when A-Rod teleports from Scores to New Yankee Stadium daily and you sit in bum pee every morning on your 5 hour trip to Citi Field, chances of you bringing your a-game are slim; in fact, many Mets players attribute their epic meltdown in 2007 to having to ride the subway with regular people.

R – Randy Newman: Newman is a UCLA graduate just like back-up catcher Brian Schneider (Schneider did not attend UCLA…..but he has heard of it). I think Randy Newman can speak for himself….this is for you Fernando Tatis, Marlon Anderson, Billy Wagner and Pedro Feliciano.

Y – Yarmulkes: Because of New York’s sizable Jewish population, it’s a shame their 40-man roster couldn’t house at least one of God’s chosen people. This is a major road block for Mets marketing types, as they don’t have a Sean Green they can parade around as bait to get more fan support.

Final Prediction: Though the Mets lineup looks good on paper, they are stuck in big brother’s shadow. And of course, Elaine Benes can really make life tough for opposing ball-players, so…..Mets finish 87-75 after being 81-0 at the All-Star break.

Ha! Randy Newman…how delightfully silly.

Why They are Going to Suck – Nationals Edition

March 10, 2009


Howdy, y’all!  I’m Double L, formerly known as “didhejustsayfunkybuttloving”.  Yeah, that nickname wasn’t really doing it for me anymore (and my mother was none too fond of it), so I decided to mix things up a little.  But I’m not here to talk about me.  I’m here to rip on the Nationals!

Ugh… I don’t even know where to start.  The Nationals remind me of an episode of the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson that aired a couple of years ago, at about the time Britney Spears completely lost it and shaved her head.  Ferguson, in his handsome Scottish brogue, said that he couldn’t bring himself to make fun of Spears becasue he would have felt too bad.  He added that he would never make fun of anyone who couldn’t defend themselves.  His pity for her was greater than his desire to make fun of the poor, borderline-psychotic girl.  I wish I felt the same way about the Nationals.  Unlike Mr. Ferguson, I have no sense of moral values whatsoever, so watch in wonder as I craftily tear apart this garbage heap of a team.

Adam at the Bat?

Adam at the Bat?

I don’t think I have much to say about the players themselves.  The team made a big move this offseason by picking up Adam Dunn, who will surely turn the Nats into NL contenders… for the lowest team batting average.  The guys is a lifetime .247 hitter, and has averaged a whopping 180 strikeouts per season.  That would be a solid K’s average for a starting pitcher, but not necessarily for a starting first baseman.  Granted, he has averaged 40 home runs a season throughout his career, but those monster home runs will become significantly less valuable when the Nationals can’t get any runners on base for Dunn to drive in.  Whenever I consider Dunn’s homer-to-strikeout ratio, I can’t help but think of Casey at the Bat.  In fact, if you put a handlebar mustache on Dunn, you can see a striking resemblance to Mighty Casey.

Screech: WTF?

And then there’s the retarded new mascot, Screech.  The only thing dumber than this is the lowly Oklahoma City Thunder mascot, Rumble the Bison.  I mean, the goal of any mascot is to either (a) incite fear into the hearts of the other team, or (b) appeal to its team’s fanbase.  Unfortunately, Screech fulfills neither of these two roles, and is destined to simply bring shame and embarrassment to our nation’s capitol.  Honestly, Screech Powers (Saved by the Bell, anyone?) would have been a better mascot than this annoyance of a baby owl thing.

Final Prediction: Despite the historic acquisition of Adam “When Will He Ever Be” Dunn, the Nats will finish last in the NL East with a record of 60-102 (a half-game better than they finished last season; I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt here).