Hello everyone. I’m Oil Can McDuck and I’m the new guy around here. As such, I get tasked with the unfun job of previewing some of the most worthless teams during our preseason trip around the league. In this case, its the Braves.
Let’s start with Ted Turner, the Braves’ media tycoon (his actual occupation listed on Wikipedia) former owner. Ted started putting the Braves on TV back in day because he had nothing else to put on his dumb station, and started calling them “America’s Team.” Ted, I’m not sure if you know this but, the only reason people watched them back then is because it was the only baseball on most of the time, not because they were good or anyone actually liked them. Fun Fact: Ted also created Captain Planet and the Planeteers, so we have him to blame for all those commie-liberal-freak-environmentalists out there who got their start watching a guy with a green mullet in spandex. Their best pitcher, Tim Hudson, is on the DL for who knows how long, so the Braves, hoping to compete this year with in stacked NL East, revamped their starting rotation. And by revamped they mean they added a bunch of guys who should be put out to pasture. Derek Lowe, most prominently known for the Derek Lowe face, and Javier Vasquez, who’s manager last year said “he hasn’t been a big game pitcher, that’s the bottom line,” are classic “innings-eater pitchers”: ones that suck just enough to kill their teams when they need them to pull through. And, they reacquired Tom Glavine who is now throwing hard enough to dent a grapefruit. To help out at the plate, they added Garrett Anderson. There’s not even a joke there; for a team hoping to compete, expecting Garrett to contribute is just sad. “America’s Team” is led by their sloppy boob of a manager, Bobby Cox who, incidentally, has been thrown out of more games than any manager in history; even more than Lou Pinella. How is that even possible? Com’mon Bobby, show some class and have some sportsmanship. It’s the least you could do for us when the crap team formerly owned-by Ted keeps getting put on TBS everyday when we could be watching Drumline for the 10th time.
Final Prediction: Even with Larry Wayne “Chipper” (seriously? Chipper?) Jones, the Braves will limp to the finish with their elderly/sucky rotation. 80-82 seems about right.