Archive for March, 2009

Why They are Going to Suck – Reds Edition

March 31, 2009

reds-suck

These are tough times for Cincinnatins (Cincinnatians?  Cincinnationites?), and I’m not speaking in terms of the economy.  I’m talking about the abysmal, pitiful Reds.  They are surely going to be a joke this season.  And not a very funny joke at that.  And this is why.

Let’s start with their bats.  I know I spent a lot of time bashing Adam Dunn on my post about the Nationals, but even someone as bad as him looks like a superstar when compared to the clowns on the Reds’ current lineup.  When I looked at the Reds’ 40-man roster, the name that jumped out to me above all others is Cincy’s fourth-string outfielder, Jacque Jones.  After a moment of pondering, I thought, “Is that the same Jacque Jones that played next to Torii Hunter for the Twins?  Whatever happened to that guy?  Didn’t he used to be pretty good?  Is Jacque a French name?”  The answer to those questions are yes, he became a bigger bust than Andruw Jones, yes, and yes (it’s a derivitive of the French name Jacques, like Jacques Cousteau).  jacque-jonesAs it turns out, Jacque, or J.J. as I like to call him, batted .142 in 42 games for the Marlins and Tigers last season, and BOTH teams designated him for assignment.  Wowzers.  Even Brad Wilkerson has had an easier time staying in the Major Leagues.  And Brad Wilkerson is no Andruw Jones, who can still make $14 million while falling short of EVERYONE’S expectations (including his wife’s, if you catch my drift).

Aaaaaaanyway, let’s move onto the pitching.  Aaron Harang is currently listed as the Reds’ opening-day starter.  That is the same Aaron Harang that went 6-17 last season.  Clearly, he’s due for a turnaround, which is the theory that the Reds’ front-office gurus are clearly leaning on.  While it’s not completely retarded to have a pitcher this bad as your ace, what is retarded is having Harang ahead of Edison Volquez, the young phenom who went 17-6 last season and represents about 46% of the team’s talent.  Seriously?!  For shame, Reds’ front-office guys!  You make Bill Bavasi look like Will Hunting (SUCH a great movie).  On the bright side, they DID sign Arthur Rhodes.  I’ve always loved Arthur, with his diamond stud earrings and his fiery temper.  And the Reds must be ecstatic that they get to experience the joy of Rhodes’ 40th birthday at the end of the season!  Be sure to blow out all the candles, old man!  Last season, Rhodes had a 2.04 ERA in 35.1 innings, a stellar season for a man of his age.  This means that we can assume that either (a) he was juicing last season, and will suck this year, or (b) he left all his talent in Seattle, and will suck this year.

Final Prediction: the Reds will continue to suck in unbelievable fashion, posting a 76-86 record.  And Arthur Rhodes, aka Old Man Winter, will unfortunately get killed in a brawl shortly after the All-Star break.

Advertisements

Why They Are Going to Suck – Yankees Edition

March 30, 2009

This year the Yankees have all the hallmarks of collapsing under the weight of their $200 million+ payroll.  Let’s just count the ways they are going to fall on their face this season, shall we?  I don’t really want to talk about A-Rod, but it’s hard to ignore him.  From his steroid use (in the robotic interview where he confessed, he claims to have only taken them during the 2001-2003 seasons…umm, sure…), to his crazy narcisism arodkiss(just look at the photo shoot from Details magazine), to his dating a “madame”  (apparently, he actually dated a female pimp for about a year) and his current injury issues (he’s expected to miss about a month of the season), he’s just a walking whirlwind of bad PR.  And that is just the stuff that has come out in the last two months.  You don’t think that’s going affect his teammates?  I would beg to differ.  Fun Fact: Alex is hitting .271  with 7 homeruns and 17 RBI in 147 postseason at bats.  He’s not terrible, Yankees fans.  You might want to lay off him a little.  He’s going through a tough time right now and could really use your support. 

Next, let’s talk about the Yankees big free-agent signings.  First, Mark Texieria.  Can you say overrated?  They brought Mark in to replace Jason Giambi at first base.   Jason, along with his truely awesome ‘stache, has left for a team that obviously has the resources to pay him what he’s worth: the Oakland A’s.  I’m not sure how the Yankees expect Mark to replace him, especially defensively.  Jason is just a vaccum at first base; nothing could get by that guy.  Mark has some big shoes to fill.  Next is CC Sabathia; there’s absolutely no way he doesn’t get hurt.  In the last 2 years, including the playoffs, he’s thrown 513 innings.  ccsabathiaListed at 290 pounds (yeah right, at this point he’s probably more like 340), it’s amazing he can even walk around, let alone pitch while carrying that child.   His arm has got to be about ready to give out; that or his knees, or his heart.  Last we have AJ Burnett. There is a reason he’s last: he’s a whiney crybaby who will have no effect on the Yankees’ chances this season.  First of all, he will probably get hurt; he’s been on the DL ten times in his nine-year career.  And if he doesn’t get hurt, he won’t be able to handle the presure of pitching in New York.  He’s this year’s Sidney Ponson, only at 13.2 times the price.

On top of all that, the Yankees are opening a new stadium this season, where ticket prices are just astronomical.  $26,000 per seat for season tickets?  Good luck in this economy.  And they still have Hank “Seriously, He’s Crazy” Steinbrenner running the show.  He’s bound to get in fights with players and coaches; it is his destiny.  So let’s go through the list: Crazy star who will drag everyone down with him? Check.  Overpaid free agent signings who are likely to get injured?  Check.  A new stadium that is pricing out normal fans to the point where the stands will be half empty?  Check.  And an owner that is just waiting to jump down their throats if the team starts off rocky? Check.  Sounds like a recipe for a great year.

Final Prediction:  the Yankees will suffer though another year of missing the playoffs after both the Red Sox and the Rays trounce them, going 78-84.  On the bright side, they might do better that the Orioles.

Why They are Going to Suck – Red Sox Edition

March 25, 2009

redsoxwesucksm

 

 

Navigating the murky waters and hiking the muddy trails of baseball analysis has led me to a veritable treasure trove of insight into the upcoming season for the Boston Red Sox. If watching this years NCAA basketball tournament has taught us anything – and it has – it would be these two concrete, somewhat baseball-related truths: 1) the Pacific Life whale hip-hop fight song is without a doubt the coolest thing ever, and should be sampled into all past, current, and future songs of any genre; and 2) Dustin Pedroia cannot hit a high inside pitch to save his life…..and he is very self conscious about it. As a master of baseball prediction, I can safely say this single thing will ruin the Red Sox season – it will be their Achilles heel, if you will……and you will. For those unfamiliar with the depth of meticulous research that goes in to discovering such a fatal flaw, let me tell you, I’m sure it’s painstakingly brutal…..but for true masters of the baseball prediction all we need to do is watch MLB The Show 2009 for the Playstation 3 commercial. Having seen said commercial roughly 2600 times over the course of the first and second round games of the NCAA tourney, Pedroia’s obvious super-flaw of not being able to handle a pitch that is up and in has been pounded into my brain with all the subtlety of an elephant driving a bulldozer. How does this translate into why the Red Sox are going to suck? Patience my friend…..sometimes the journey is more important than the destination. (Write that down.) This glaring failing of Pedroias is only exacerbated by his constant prompting to remember he was the AL MVP; we get it….you had a great season….but if opposing teams had only pitched you high and tight you would have hit .105 and would be riding the pine pony for the Portland Sea Dogs……which, of course, is every boy’s dream. Assuming that people involved with Major League baseball also watch TV, they will know the secret to turning Dustin Pedroia into some sort of poop-eating super-goat of A-rod proportions by the Red Sox season opener. This alone will be enough to completely tear the Sox apart from the inside and will lead to the inevitable shunning of Pedroia along with his murder at the hands of David Ortiz…..also Kevin Youkilis and Mike Lowell will start dating, then break up due to an irreconcilable argument over who has the cooler beard……which will totally add to the bad vibes in the clubhouse and cause Jacoby Ellsbury’s Sidekick bill to go through the roof because of all the “OMG! AWKWARD!” texts he and Pedroia will exchange.

 

Final Prediction: There will be plenty of sad women in pink Big Papi jerseys across this great nation ofw6403-pnk-rsx34a1 ours. I’ve got the Sox behind both the Rays and the Yankees finishing the year a cool 84-78 which is sure to disappoint all the people sporting Boston gear at your local stadium who couldn’t name a single player from their lineup but have “always loved the Red Sox”.

 

 

 

Why They are Going to Suck – Rays Edition

March 24, 2009

If there is one foregone conclusion this season, it’s that the Tampa Bay Rays are going to be atrocious.   Fun Fact: their strongest and most ardent supporter is this guy:  dick-vitale2As you can see from Dickie V’s face, he’s already prepared for the heartache that is going to befall him this summer.  Mr. Vitale has been a season ticket holder since the Rays inaugural season in 1998, and has stuck with them through an incredible decade of horribleness.  From 1998-2007, not only did no team lose more games, but only six teams were within 100 losses of them.  Obviously, a winning tradition had been building at Tropicana Field; however, last year they broke through with their first winning season and a trip to the playoffs.  Way to go, I guess, but it’s not that hard to win when you have been stockpiling number one picks for ten years.  But good for them, every team deserves a break once in a while.

Unfortunately, it’s not going to continue this year.  Their manager, Joe Maddon,  is cleary either crazy or dumb.  I mean, just look at the team slogan he came up with last year: 9=8.  The man can’t even do simple math.  It supposedly refers to nine players playing together to make one of the eight playoffs spots, but I think the Rays are going need someone around that knows that 9 does actually equal 9.  It’s going to be hard to overcome his ineptitude for another full year.

Also, building any momentum for the year will be difficult with the weight of all the bandwagon fans still hanging on from last year.  Throughout their history, the Rays have had trouble drawing fans, and those that did come were mostly transplanted Redsox or Yankees fans that wanted to see some sort of baseball, no matter how awful it might be.  Last year, though, people kept coming out of the woodwork so that their ranks swelled to abnormal proportions.  Many fans tried to show their support by getting the ridiculous “Rayhawk.” rayhawk1Even a few female fans got the Rayhawk… only, they got them, you know, down there.  What are all these band-wagoners going to do when the Rays suck this year?  There’s no chance the Rays can keep up their winning ways.  I mean, they beat both Redsox and Yankees last year.  That has to be a fluke, right?  No one has done that in 10 years.  They have a few good players, like BJ Upton, Evan Longoria, Carlos Pena, Carl Crawford, Akinori Iwamura, James Shields and Scott Kazmir, but come on, that’s not enough to compete.

dropping-ballFinal Prediction:  This year the Rays will fall back to the dregges of the AL East, going 78-84 and, once again, stuggling to find fly balls.

Why They are Going to Suck – Blue Jays Edition

March 18, 2009

Powered by perennial Cy Young Award candidate Roy Halladay, most would look at the Jays and think “hey, they could be good this year.” Well, they can’t, and here’s why: they play in Canada. As we all know, Canadians are a cantankerous bunch, with their little beady eyes and their big flapping heads. They put mayo on their hamburgers!!! Who ruins a delicious hamburger like that?!? Canadians, that’s who.33-43505-f2 I am well aware that 0% of the Jays roster is actually from Canada…..but the Canadian way of life is a disease that permeates into the brains of even the staunchest of Americans. Examples of this Canadian infection are seen throughout the Jays lineup – when he was with St. Louis, once proud American Scott Rolen used to drive a big truck, eat apple pie, drink Budweiser, shoot defenseless animals, and participate in the democratic process. Rolen was seen last week attending parliamentary procedures whilst drinking a Labatt’s Blue and caring about hockey….unbelievable, I know. How does this affect the play of Canada’s baseball pride and joy? We all know baseball is AMERICA’s favorite pastime……so it’s obvious that un-American activities and thoughts would very much adversely affect ones ability to participate in said American pastime. How are you expected to hit a 90 MPH fastball when your head is full of curling stats, fond memories of Guy Lafleur, and last nights moose attack? You can’t be, and this is why the Jays will not be good and can never be good. Now of course, we all remember their 1993 World Series Championship, but it’s a well documented fact that many of the starters for that team actually were injected with an extra dose of “America” to counteract the Canadian contagion before every game. (Note: “America” is now on baseball’s banned substance list, which is why their success was a one time thing.) The current incarnation of the Jays is a talented bunch who are destined to be like every other Jays team and like all Canadians…..very cold, and somewhat French.
 
Final Prediction: A cure for “Canada” will be discovered in the coming months, but due to clinical trials will be delayed for years; so, the Jays will finish 84-78 and, once again, America Jr. will be left without a title (in the last 15 years) in a legitimate sport. 

 

 

 

 

canada-americas-hat-tshirt-1

 

Why They are Going to Suck – Orioles Edition

March 17, 2009

orioles-turkey

When you think of the storied past of the AL East, what is the first great team that comes to mind?  If you’re a true baseball fan, you obviously imagine the unstoppable dynasty that is the Baltimore Orioles.

Wait a minute — did I really just say that?!  I apologize for that ridiculous statement!  OF COURSE the Orioles aren’t the first AL East dynasty that comes to mind!  (The Blue Jays are.)  I must have temporarily forgotten how much the O’s suck.  You’ll have to forgive me.  The Orioles have always sucked, and they always will suck.  And believe you me, 2009 will be no exception.

First, let’s take a look at the Orioles’ top players, Aubrey Huff and Melvin Mora.  Melvin and Aubrey?  That sounds like the failed sequel to Mork and Mindy.

When your power hitter is named after a girl and your fleet-footed third baseman sounds like the nerd in a ’60s sitcom, you know you’re in trouble.  Furthermore (or is that “furthermora“?), Mel is currently nursing a sore hamstring and was forced to sit out of Venezuela’s most recent game in the WBC.  Could this hamstring problem spell disaster for the Orioles this season?

It doesn’t really matter, because they’ll still suck either way.  Let’s look at their starting pitching rotation.  Their ace, Jeremy Guthrie, was 10-12 last season.  Granted, as a Mariners fan, I don’t have much of a leg to stand on, but come on!  At least people have heard of the M’s starting five.  The Orioles have Guthrie, newcomer Koji Uehara (who has a strained hamstring), Rich Hill (career 18-17 record), Adam Eaton (4-8, 5.80 ERA in 2008), and Danys Baez (31-43, missed 2008 season with an injury).  Needless to say, that is quite the conglomerate of future Hall-of-Famers.

What a crappy guy

I should give credit where credit is due.  They do have these two really awesome players, George Sherrill and Adam Jones.  Sherrill is one of the top 3 closers in the league, and Jones is a definite future All Star.  Hang on a second… why do those names sound so familiar?  Oh yeah!  Those are the two great players we traded for the poopy jerkface dud that is Erik Bedard!

Final prediction: The miserable O’s of Baltimore will finish 70-92, last in America’s favorite division, the A.L. East.  At least they’ll have a better season than their nearby N.L. affiliate, the Washington Nationals.  Not that it would be a huge accomplishment.

Why They are Going to Suck – Marlins Edition

March 13, 2009

Continuing our trip around the League of Ineptitude, our next stop is the Florida Marlins.  The Fish play in Dolphins Stadium, perhaps the worst stadium to watch a baseball game that has ever been constructed.  Just look at it;  it’s ugly and orange and devoid of any personality.    marlinsYou couldn’t pay me to watch a game there and, apparently, Miamians feel the same way because when this picture was taken there was an actual Major League Baseball game taking place.  This game between the Marlins and Nats drew 400 people.   400 people!  To a regular season game!  Seriously.  One guy got thrown for heckling the ump.  You could hear the namecalling on TV.  Fun fact:  The Marlins are the first Major League team to have a cheer/dance team.  Can you imagine trying to get excited to cheer for a team that is drawing 400 fans?  And think about the actual cheering; there would be an echo like the Grand Canyon.  Just brutal.  The add campaign this year is “It’s where you wanna be,” following the two previous years of “You Gotta Be Here” and “You Gotta Be Here 2008.”  I think it’s time for something a little more original, like “Come to a baseball game.”  The people of Miami might need a hint as to why they want to be there.

The problem is that the baseball being played isn’t likely to draw anyone, so they might just want to give up.  Their starting rotation consists of Ricky Nolasco, Josh Johnson, Chris Volstad, Anibal Sanchez and Andrew Miller.  Has anyone besides their moms ever heard of these guys?  And the Marlins best player, Hanley Ramirez, might be the second worst defensive shortstop in the majors, behind only the wizard of fielding that is Derek Jeter.

And why are they so terrible on the field?  Their owner, Jeff Loria, is working on single-handedly killing his second franchise now, after  wrecking everything that was good and pure about baseball in Montreal.  Jeff must have some blackmail-worthy pictures of  Bud Selig (sick) because, after murdering the Expos, Bud decided to give him another chance to suck the life out of a fan base when he gave him the Marlins.  And Jeff is doing a pretty bang up job.  So far, he’s sold off every player that has come through the system that has any remote value as soon as they are able to ask for more money.  And he’s doing his best to eradicate any good will the team might have by demanding that a new stadium be built by the taxpayers.  Just awesome leadership there.  But there is one reason to come to the game – you can get one of these cute little Marlins plush bear.  That will make up for it.

player-bear

Final Prediction:  The Fish have some good building blocks for the future, but their “frugal” owner is just going to ship off the best parts anyway. So due to the less than passionate support they will receive, the Marlins will again finish right around .500 and in the middle of the pack in the NL East.

Hey! Aron Baynes! You Need to Read This!!!!

March 12, 2009

3422_001

Dear Senor Baynes,

I am an older child (25) from a small village outside the city of Seattle. I have enjoyed watching you play for the last few years and as a die-hard Cougar fan I would like to thank you for your contributions, both to Washington State University and to college basketball. I have also been incredibly fortunate to be considered by my friends (also huge cougar fans) to be your doppelganger (or twin for those of you who aren’t familiar with the doppelganger concept). Along with watching your amazing skills, this fact has added great joy to my watching of Cougar hoops. I receive uplifting phone calls and or text messages whenever “I” (you) make a great play, and just to keep the universe balanced, mean texts or phone calls when you commit fouls…..99% of which are garbage calls…Basketball is a physical game….if you weren’t meant to play rough they would have called it Letsholdhandsanddancearoundinafieldofflowersball. The reason for my correspondence (It’s a big word, I learned it at WSU…..Bella la Cougs) is to ask a favor: When an NBA team undoubtedly picks you up, I will be the first one running out to purchase your jersey (please no Oklahoma City Thunder…they suck and their unis are UGLY), but presently this is not an option. So my goal has become getting my hands on a game worn Aaron Baynes Washington State University Cougars basketball jersey, both to commemorate the amazing run of cougar hoops in the last few years and to remember this oddity that is our twinsy-ness that my friends find so amazing. I realize the second reason is intrinsically creepy and stalker-ish, but I assure you I am a somewhat normal (normalcy greatly exaggerated) human being. I mean, I’m a rabid cougar fan, so let’s just say I am as normal as possible as far as Cougar fans go. I am not asking for a handout, but as it turns out your jersey is a piece of Cougwear that is hard to come by. Trust me – I scoured the ebays and the Amazons, and all the entirety of the interwebs. I was hoping you could point me in the right direction as to how one might go about acquiring a genuine, game worn Aaron Baynes jersey. Price is not an issue, unless of course it’s ludicrously expensive….dude, I’m not made of money…..though if I was I would totally use the money that makes up my being to buy it….even if it meant I would no longer have my left arm that was made of $100 bills. So I am asking you – as a fellow Coug and a fellow “movie star good looks” having guy – please tell me how to nab your jersey….it would mean a lot to a group of your biggest fans and lifelong Cougs.

Word,

JackeElliotsMustache (Esquire)

Why They are Going to Suck – Mets Edition

March 11, 2009

strawberry

In honor of his recent book release, today’s Mets preview is structured in a way as to honor Darryl “can I borrow some coke money?” Strawberry. (Quick side note…his book, “Cash For Gold (Because Drug Dealers Don’t Accept Gold)” is available from Kinko’s Publishing for $39.95…..available where stolen stereos are sold.)

Holla Back Shotay! Its Mets time.

S – Smelly Pirate Hookers: The Mets have them in spades!  Headlining the group of crap-bags is the one and only Jose Bernabe Reyes….could he be any more annoying? With his stupid face and dumb consistently-awesome play….makes me sick.

T – Trades and Acquisitions: The Mets should make more and shouldn’t have made the ones they did. I hate to pick on former Mariners….but the last time the Mets front office saw J.J. Putz was probably at the All-Star game in 2007; just a heads up – he is a substantially different pitcher than he was that ONE year…but hey you got Jeremy Reed in the same deal, so enjoy that.

R – Rivals (as in cross-town rivals): Lets be honest….anyone going to New York is hoping they play for the Yankees; let’s do some role play to prove this point – you be the major leaguer, and I will be your mooching high school buddy who takes care of your house when you go on road trips (and by “takes care” I mean “sleeps on your couch year-round and pretends to be you to impress the ladies”).

You: Hey, I got traded to New York.

Me: That’s awesome, I can’t wait! New Yankee Stadium is sweet!

You: Well, actually I got traded to the Mets.

Me: Oooooohhh…..huh……you know, I’ve always been kinda interested in trying out that whole “sleeping on the street and eating out of garbage cans” thing, so I think I’ll stick around here and pursue that….but you have fun buddy! Welp, see ya around…..[Runs out door.]

A – Aggregate Demand: Sure, guys get paid a fortune to play for the Mets compared to say, playing for the Marlins…but every player entering free agency is really hoping to get paid what he is “really worth.” Unfortunately, there is only one team who can afford to pay delusional baseball players what they are “really worth,” and they play in the same city. This leads to a lot of jealously….it hurts morale a bit when Luis Castillo is riding his Huffy to the ballpark and sees Derek Jeter in a Bentley made of gold.

W – Washed up: Rumor has it, Pedro Martinez has a call in to the Mets just to let them know he is still available…..um yeah, we know. Who else is going to pick you up besides the sucker Mets? There isn’t a doubt in my mind they will throw him some silly amount of money to, once again, be on the DL for an entire season.

B – Baseball: They just plain can’t play it….especially in August and September….but hey, they have a bunch of April to July NL East titles…so they’ve got that going for them.

cast_elaine1

E – Elaine Benes: Baltimore Orioles fan and noted Yankees/Mets hater. I’m not quite sure how anyone could play with her wearing her Orioles hat and heckling the crap out of you during interleague play. Good luck with that, David Wright…..she’s in your head.

R – Riding the Subway: Sure, mass transit is cool and helpful for us poor people, but when A-Rod teleports from Scores to New Yankee Stadium daily and you sit in bum pee every morning on your 5 hour trip to Citi Field, chances of you bringing your a-game are slim; in fact, many Mets players attribute their epic meltdown in 2007 to having to ride the subway with regular people.

R – Randy Newman: Newman is a UCLA graduate just like back-up catcher Brian Schneider (Schneider did not attend UCLA…..but he has heard of it). I think Randy Newman can speak for himself….this is for you Fernando Tatis, Marlon Anderson, Billy Wagner and Pedro Feliciano.

Y – Yarmulkes: Because of New York’s sizable Jewish population, it’s a shame their 40-man roster couldn’t house at least one of God’s chosen people. This is a major road block for Mets marketing types, as they don’t have a Sean Green they can parade around as bait to get more fan support.

Final Prediction: Though the Mets lineup looks good on paper, they are stuck in big brother’s shadow. And of course, Elaine Benes can really make life tough for opposing ball-players, so…..Mets finish 87-75 after being 81-0 at the All-Star break.

Ha! Randy Newman…how delightfully silly.

Why They are Going to Suck – Nationals Edition

March 10, 2009

nationals-suck

Howdy, y’all!  I’m Double L, formerly known as “didhejustsayfunkybuttloving”.  Yeah, that nickname wasn’t really doing it for me anymore (and my mother was none too fond of it), so I decided to mix things up a little.  But I’m not here to talk about me.  I’m here to rip on the Nationals!

Ugh… I don’t even know where to start.  The Nationals remind me of an episode of the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson that aired a couple of years ago, at about the time Britney Spears completely lost it and shaved her head.  Ferguson, in his handsome Scottish brogue, said that he couldn’t bring himself to make fun of Spears becasue he would have felt too bad.  He added that he would never make fun of anyone who couldn’t defend themselves.  His pity for her was greater than his desire to make fun of the poor, borderline-psychotic girl.  I wish I felt the same way about the Nationals.  Unlike Mr. Ferguson, I have no sense of moral values whatsoever, so watch in wonder as I craftily tear apart this garbage heap of a team.

Adam at the Bat?

Adam at the Bat?

I don’t think I have much to say about the players themselves.  The team made a big move this offseason by picking up Adam Dunn, who will surely turn the Nats into NL contenders… for the lowest team batting average.  The guys is a lifetime .247 hitter, and has averaged a whopping 180 strikeouts per season.  That would be a solid K’s average for a starting pitcher, but not necessarily for a starting first baseman.  Granted, he has averaged 40 home runs a season throughout his career, but those monster home runs will become significantly less valuable when the Nationals can’t get any runners on base for Dunn to drive in.  Whenever I consider Dunn’s homer-to-strikeout ratio, I can’t help but think of Casey at the Bat.  In fact, if you put a handlebar mustache on Dunn, you can see a striking resemblance to Mighty Casey.

Screech: WTF?

And then there’s the retarded new mascot, Screech.  The only thing dumber than this is the lowly Oklahoma City Thunder mascot, Rumble the Bison.  I mean, the goal of any mascot is to either (a) incite fear into the hearts of the other team, or (b) appeal to its team’s fanbase.  Unfortunately, Screech fulfills neither of these two roles, and is destined to simply bring shame and embarrassment to our nation’s capitol.  Honestly, Screech Powers (Saved by the Bell, anyone?) would have been a better mascot than this annoyance of a baby owl thing.

Final Prediction: Despite the historic acquisition of Adam “When Will He Ever Be” Dunn, the Nats will finish last in the NL East with a record of 60-102 (a half-game better than they finished last season; I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt here).