Well America’s fattest city, you stole our team and I am sure you are all hootin’ an hollerin’, shooting your guns into the air and eating Crisco right out of the tub in celebration. Before you fly too far off the pan-handle though, I figured it is my duty to inform you of some of the “assets” you are acquiring along with the franchise itself. These may seem like small beans to you as you have just won your first NBA Franchise……..hold on, a vegetable analogy may not be the right way to explain something to you guys, so for you Oklahoma City readers….These may seem like small bacon wrapped jelly donuts to you… ……but you have swiped yourself some real sweet basketball talent. I urge you to ride your horses down to the Ford Center and see all the glory that is Luke Ridinour running a professional basketball team…also electricity and running water (country bumpkins)…….It’s just beautiful. Also make sure you take time to get to know the “Bakersfield Bad Boy” Bob Swift’s game as it is flawless. I don’t want to get your collective hoops hopes up too high, but anything short of a championship next year should be a disappointment worthy of not showing up to games anymore. No team in the NBA is as solid throughout its lineup and, as far as star power, your team is epic. Big names like Johan Petro, Mickael Gelebale, Mo Sene, and Earl “The Human Turnover” Watson (don’t be fooled by his nickname, he is “awesome”) are all-star caliber players (in the WNBA….maybe). Enjoy the top tier hoops and I can’t wait to see your attendance totals in 3 years….I am sure they will be well below the league average…….horse travel is getting expensive these days.
Archive for the ‘Sonics’ Category
Yes! I thought my excitement over the NBA draft would be soured by the City of Seattle versus Clay Bennett court proceedings and the stinky toot smells coming from Sonics Central in Seattle, but I was wrong. The Sonics front office must have received all my angry letters because they finally went out and got what they will need to succeed…….a foreign big man who isn’t NBA ready, not even NBDL ready. The Sonics took Serge Ibaka, an 18-year-old, 6-foot-10 forward/center from the Congo who most likely will spend the next 3 years playing in Europe developing his game. Sonics fans, perennial nay-sayers to foreign big men, for the most part will not be pleased. You will hear plenty of “Why don’t we just draft him in 3 years when he is ready” or “Do we really need another Johan Petro, or Mouhamed Sene?”…To this I say, Why wait? And of course we do! From watching the NBA very closely over the past 5 years I have ascertained the road to victory is built with unproven, non-American, non-NBA ready talent. As a specific example, take a look at this years NBA champion Boston Celtics, who was the key player on an all-but-one-USA-born team? Kazakhstani superstar, Elmer Van Den Gosh-Sangdiev, who plays for Barsy Atyrau BBN. The roles of Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, and Finals MVP Paul Pierce were insanely overstated over the course of the season, when in reality the hero was Van Den Gosh-Sangdiev. Though he never actually played with the Celtics, it was his weekly pep talk phone calls (which none of the Celtics could understand) and supportive emails to possible future teammates that made the difference in the Celtics run to the title. This is living proof; the model the Sonics have decided to follow in recent years will inevitably end in glory and golden trophies shaped like basketballs. So stay the course Sonics management, the process of planting and tending to crops is arduous….but the dividends: delicious corn, succulent cabbages, and flavorsome carrots are well worth the years of waiting and all the hard labor. Do what you do and one can only hope that the future holds an entire team of unpronounceable names and worthless draft picks playing in other countries on course to ride the bench in the NBDL someday.
*Disclaimer: Elmer van den Gosh-Sangdiev is not a real player as drafting players like the described above will most assuredly NOT end in an NBA Championship (or even a playoff berth for that matter).
And now your NBA weekend update: I didn’t watch it. I don’t think I could be anymore disenchanted with the NBA right now. Of course the obvious reason why is that they are stealing my team. I think there is a lot more to it though. The NBA has become dull and boring to me. It pales in comparison to the excitement and awesomeness of College Basketball. I hate for this to be a post ala Peter Griffins: “You know what grinds my gears?” but….Sucks to be you because it’s going to be one. Sure there are some interesting personalities and exciting players but the influx of Euro-trash floppers has ruined the game. The best example is one Manu Ginobli. It doesn’t help that I hate the Spurs already, but this guy is just as trashy as trash can be. He consistently is flopping, is a huge cry baby and is just an all around piece of crap. This is the modus opporandi for most “european players” so it not all on Manu but this style of play is ruining the game. Another huge issue is the fact that no one plays defense. Granted defense is not exciting and flashy but it keeps the score under 200. In a game earlier this season the Sonics lost to the Denver Nuggets in a game where the Nuggets scored 168 points IN REGULATION. The Sonics truly are one of the worst, if not the worst defensive team in the NBA (Nice job P.J., defensive minded coach, my butt) so I am not totally surprised they gave almost 200 points, but still……I mean somewhere you have to draw the line and say “this is ridiculous, the next time Melo drives the lane I am going to hit him with an elbow to the groin” (a very European move I know but at this point even the most disgusting style of play must be used). It feels like every game is the all-star game, all offense, no defense and that bores me, Charlie Murphy. So, I for one will not watching anymore than maybe 30 minutes total of the NBA playoffs, not because I am boycotting, but because I just don’t care.
Turns out even crappy soon-to-be-in-the-NBDL basketball players are just like you and me: they hang out, go to movies and do regular people stuff, too. Standing in line at the Issaquah Theatres of Issaquah (who didn’t see that coming?) who would I see but Robert Swift. That’s right, Rocky Dennis himself hanging with his “entourage,” off to see the 10:05 showing of the soon-to-be Oscar nominated hit movie “Prom Night.” This brings to mind a few questions, none of which I will address. The 7’-1” oft injured 23 year-old does what most fabulously wealthy, first round draft busts do. He sees movies at theatres with normal people. Looking like a freakish version of Viggo Mortenson and completely lacking the elitist attitude of most NBA bench players, he clearly does not fit the David Stern and Clay Bennett mold of inaccessible Sonic players, where being seen in public is the biggest no-no in their evil plot to choke any life that’s left in the floundering franchise before they depart to foreign lands. This, paired with his atrocious play, will most assuredly result in his riding the bench for the 2009 Oklahoma City Doucherockets (or whatever they will call themselves…..may I suggest fanny bandits?) or he’ll making a splash in one of the many hugely unpopular European basketball leagues. Long story short…… I hate you David Stern and Clay Bennett, and I hope Robert Swift continues to “stick it to the man” by showing up in public and braving the throngs of adoring autograph seekers.
The arduous journey that is the Clay Bennett ownership of the Sonics has been filled with bugaboos, snafus, and tom-foolery. However, here’s the ultimate slap in the face: the Seattle Storm, Seattle’s womens’ basketball franchise, will remain in Seattle when the Sonics depart for Oklahoma City…… Uh, how about no? It truly is the straw that broke the camels back, but could also be the straw that saves the…. camels…. back….. You may be saying to yourself, “How is this even related, are you retarded?” No, I am not retarded, and it’s all part of the secret plan to keep our Sonics here. Stick with me: we force Oklahoma City to also take the Seattle Storm! It’s pure genius; the idea of having to take the Storm along with them would be enough to cause Clay Bennett to sell the team. I mean, let’s be honest – what high-profile businessman wants his name attached to the crapshoot that is the WNBA? The best part however, its win-win. The Sonics are as good as gone, so either we end up getting the Sonics back or at least we get rid of the Storm…. see? Win-win. So, sorry Oklahoma – like the best athlete in the schoolyard and his scrawny younger brother, these teams are a package deal. Also, no give backs….. suckers. On a side note: Oklahoma City was named one of the nations fattest cities. So enjoy the women’s basketball and Earl Watson, you tubbos.
It seems as far as the Sonics go, we have cut our loses and moved on. The future is not about the current Sonics, but a new, more futuristic Sonics. At least that is what one could assume after a Tuesday April 1st press conference held in Seattle. Former Sonic great and the captain of the 1979 world champion supersonics, Fred Brown, announced a plan, in conjunction with Dave Bean local Marketing Company Wong Doody, for a 1.2 Billion dollar multi use retractable roof stadium to be located in one of 5 selected sites, none of which they own, ranging from Seattle Center to the Seattle waterfront at pier 46.The catch…..the entire project is to be privately funded. The obvious first question is “April Fools”? No? Ok, well then the second question one might ask is how they plan on prying 1.2 Billion dollars out of wealthy locals, but both Brown and Bean seemed confident in people’s willingness to fork over the dough. A 3d model of the building is available at http://www.emeraldcitycenter.com. To be included along with the state of the art sports and concert venue are a Native Cultural Center, Pacific Northwest sports Hall of Fame, an Aviation and Aerospace building (whatever that means), a residential area and, my personal favorite, “The Retail Store of the Future”. The plan is incredibly ambitious and undeniably stupid. The only upside I see to this ridiculous plan is that it creates jobs for robot workers folding space sweaters in “The Retail Store of the Future.”