Archive for April, 2010

Romeo=Me,Juliet=Hockey…….Except We Can Be Together

April 23, 2010

Dear Hockey,

             I know that we have never been close, but I used to play you in the street when I was a child. I was pretty decent, but cars always came and we would have to stop playing and that was super annoying. Though I am now far-removed from those halcyon days of my youth, with a pothole-filled road in my rear view I have reached a state of enlightenment that only comes with age and experience. I have been awakened to the possibilities of becoming a fan of you (not a player, because that would be devastating for all involved and I’m pretty sure rollerblades have a weight limit).

I am becoming a man who is evolving into a devotee of what you bring to the table. I have learned to appreciate some of your finer points, from the tranquil grace of zamboni breaks to the savage artistry of your bone-rattling hits…..also I like the punching of other dudes in the face…superb. I guess my purpose in writing you this letter is to provide a mea culpa of sorts. I have been burdened with the guilt of spurning your advances for so many years that my love affair with you in recent months has seemed almost bittersweet. BUT NO LONGER……Hockey, I love you! I am not saying that this is forever but it is for now; and maybe that’s good enough. I hope we are at a place where we can spend time together, getting to know each others’ strengths and faults, and exploring what could be an epic affair that tests the limits of space, time, and the love a man can have with a sport. Until those fat cats in Washington get their crap together, we obviously can’t be “together” in the eyes of the world, but that is of little consequence…..we know what we have and what this could become.

So, I come to you on bended knee, Hockey…..won’t you take me in your gentle yet robust arms and hold me close? Show me all your secrets and allow me to love you in spite of my past neglect of you. Also, if you could make the Canucks win Lord Stanley’s Cup that would be pretty cool of you……

With a love that cannot be measured with any known equation,

JackElliotsMoustache

P.S. Your brother Lacrosse is a total douche…please don’t bring him to my friend’s birthday party this weekend.

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What to do With Fister, Snell, and Vargas ? or !

April 22, 2010

As it stands currently, the decision of which pitcher gets replaced in the Mariners starting rotation when Cliff Lee comes back will be made April 30th, which just happens to be the day of his first start. Going into writing this post, I wanted to show why Doug Fister should be the one who loses his spot, because everyone is so high on him right now…..as it turns out, it is one tough task to discount The Fister.

The choice Wak will have to make is between Doug Fister, Jason Vargas, or Ian Snell. On the surface, it’s a no brainer: Ian Snell has had a much tougher time pitching this season, so we send him to the pen so as not to lose him. Digging in a little deeper, this may be the right call based on more than just a surface level glance. I am going to go out on a limb and assume all three guys would struggle in unfriendly ball parks (with Vargas most likely being a little more successful),  so I am going to base my thoughts on how they do and will pitch in Safeco.

 Doug Fister is truly built to pitch in Safeco Field. The guy is a ground ball pitcher, and with that defense behind him in a bigger than average park he has been and stands to be very productive at home. The starts he has had this year have been fantastic, and I think it has made this decision all the harder. He is a tougher nut to crack projection-wise, because his big league body of work is just too small a sample-size to really gain any substantial information from.  Moving on to Snell and Vargas….. These two are similar statistically: they both give up more fly balls than ground balls, they throw similar pitches at a similar frequency (with Vargas having the benefit of a true “out pitch”), and they both project to win about 8 games this season. Snell has more heat on his fastball (and in my opinion has a higher upside), but is more volatile. So, based on these facts I choose……crap.

I have truly failed in my intention of presenting a clear-cut pitcher to drop. I have no more idea what to do than I did an hour ago. If I were in a situation where I had to make the call right now or someone would shoot my cats, the cats would die; not just because I couldn’t make a decision, but because I WOULDN’T make a decision – those little bastards just love to pee on the carpet and on my clothes, so go ahead, shoot ’em. A friend much smarter than I suggested a sort of “rotating door” starter position, where the right guy for the job is called in based upon the opposition…. and that works for me. As she said, the Mariners are all about “outside the box” thinking, so why not? I know I was only going to focus on how they would do at Safeco, but the idea of the flexible rotation has me daydreaming of home-game-only pitching Fister, who relies so heavily on our fantastic defense and on Safeco field which helps him out a ton, and while on the road, choosing between Vargas and Snell based on the opponent as a temporary solution. All in all, this is an awesome problem to have, because we’ll be plugging Cliff Lee into the rotation and getting to see the monster that is the best one-two-punch in baseball start to devour townspeople and what not.

Of course, we will most likely be revisiting this when Bedard gets back, so this about as temporary as temporary gets. To conclude this arduous journey, I have accepted the idea that was presented to me before I really even starting looking into it. Sweet waste of time.

Also, to anyone out there who might know someone who is into the whole “make a decision or I shoot your cats” type of thing, please have them email me….. those jerks have got to go.

First Post of 2010! I Win!!

April 20, 2010

For those of us fortunate enough to experience the first 6 innings of Doug Fister’s amazing pitching performance, we can count ourselves ROBBED! Robbed, dear friends, of an all-but-guaranteed complete game no-hitter…..robbed of this by none other than S&T writer Double L. Allow me to tell you a story of betrayal……
 

[**A quick note: Before we navigate the perils of space and time to prove that Double L screwed everything up, it will greatly enhance your reading journey to have an accurate picture of what I look like. Imagine if George Clooney and Leonardo DiCaprio had a baby, then that baby somehow made a baby with the baby of Brad Pitt and Ewan McGregor…..and when THAT baby grew up it had a baby with Tom Selleck (for moustachey goodness) and was also all super-ripped and had like, laser eyes and, ummmm, robot hands and stuff……well that would be me. Also, I have the tail of a lion. So now that you have the proper frame of reference, let’s travel back to yesterday…a simpler time…**] (Our time travel will be aided by the coolest homemade  compilation of Back to the Future screengrabs known to man…and it’s FRENCH….Retour Vers le Futur indeed!!!)


 
After cleaning up the house at the request of my lovely roommate (wife), I grabbed a delightful beer and landed my awesome ass on the couch just in time to catch the last few innings of the game. Watching Fister work fastball after fastball to the lowly Orioles lineup was both fun AND exhilarating. That’s when it happened……the ding of the iPhone text message…the name “Mollin Mennett” (name changed to protect stupid Collin Ben….dang it) appeared with an ominous message below: “DOUG EFFING FISTER!”…..Within three seconds of reading this message, Nick Markakis drove a ball right back up the box into center field breaking up the no-hitter. Lucky for our own Double L, he wasn’t in range of my laser eyes…or whatever awesome power I gave myself in the above description which I am too lazy to revisit in order to stay consistent….because if he WAS within range I would have toasted his brains via his rectum (Rectum? Damn near killed’em! …..er, sorry). As ANY baseball fan knows, you get passed the 5th inning with a no-no, you DON’T TALK TO ANYBODY for fear of jinxing the outing. Well looks like Jerky McAss-Hat missed the memo. This is why the blame falls squarely on his dainty, lady-like shoulders….right where the straps of his training bra sit. I know you all are as livid as I am, so I am taking this opportunity to give you a voice to speak out against the atrocities committed by Double L. Use the comment section to call him all sorts of names and draw dirty pictures of him and John Goodman together……..have at him, for he RUINED THE NIGHT.

(PROOF BELOW)