Why They Are Going to Suck – Phillies Edition

     What better place to start than the stupid Philadelphia Phillies……a team with little to no history of winning in recent years, and a fan base as apathetic and disgusting as Joe Blanton waddling back to his Miata after a Crisco eating competition. The Phils main fan base is mostly made up of jaded Eagles fans just needing a place to practice their battery throwing before Santa returns to Lincoln Financial Field next football season. The other huge flaw for the Phils is that they have decided to turn their organization into Florida for geriatric Mariners rejects…..plugging 80 year old Jaime Moyer into the starting rotation last year, picking up Raul Ibanez from an Old-Country Buffet this off-season, and being rumored to have penned a multi-year deal with both Henry Cotto and Dan Wilson pending a physical. I’m no GM, but I’m pretty sure it’s a bad sign when you are circling the Mariners organization like a vulture waiting for players to die, then scooping them up and plugging them into your everyday lineup. If there is a record for the amount of times players have to leave the field to go pee in a single game, the Phillies will obliterate it this season, hands down. Now, I don’t want anyone saying “hey, the Phillies are a good team and I like them and you are an idiot”…….I just plain don’t want anyone saying that….in fact if I hear you said that I will find you and feed you to Jessica Simpson at a chili cook-off. What was I talking about again? Oh yeah – the Phils were “decent” last year, but you can only ride the flash-in-the-pan-pony of Ryan Howard, Chase Utley, and Jimmy Rollins for a one time lucky season. Sure, they’re perennial all-stars; but what does that even mean? I mean, what – that they’re the best player in the National League at their position? Pssshaaawww I say…..that’s like being the best jerk at the toilet store……nice. The other HUUUUUUGE issue they face is the fact that they play in the same division as the mighty Mets. Come September, those guys have ice in their veins……I mean, they did blow a 7 game lead over 17 games back in 2007 to miss the playoffs…….oh, and last year they led their division for a bulk of season only to lose to the Marlins at home in the last game of the season to miss the playoffs again….but there is no way you can convince me the Mets aren’t going to have a huge lead all season, and just maintain and waltz right into the playoffs….there’s just no historical precedent for it, and I just plain wont hear it!  My heart wants to say that the Phillies will lose 162 games and finish second to last in their division as the Nationals play in the NL East as well, and chances are the Nats will find a way to lose more games than they play.

Final Prediction: Howard, Utley, and Rollins play like Dobbs, Bruntlett, and Paulino as they hurtle back to earth a mere shell of their former championship glory going 84-78 and missing the playoffs, causing much battery-throwing and child-booing by the Phillies faithful.

Tags: Phillies, Why They Are Going to Suck