Why They Are Going to Suck – Phillies Edition

by

phillies_in_the_face1

     What better place to start than the stupid Philadelphia Phillies……a team with little to no history of winning in recent years, and a fan base as apathetic and disgusting as Joe Blanton waddling back to his Miata after a Crisco eating competition. The Phils main fan base is mostly made up of jaded Eagles fans just needing a place to practice their battery throwing before Santa returns to Lincoln Financial Field next football season. The other huge flaw for the Phils is that they have decided to turn their organization into Florida for geriatric Mariners rejects…..plugging 80 year old Jaime Moyer into the starting rotation last year, picking up Raul Ibanez from an Old-Country Buffet this off-season, and being rumored to have penned a multi-year deal with both Henry Cotto and Dan Wilson pending a physical. I’m no GM, but I’m pretty sure it’s a bad sign when you are circling the Mariners organization like a vulture waiting for players to die, then scooping them up and plugging them into your everyday lineup. If there is a record for the amount of times players have to leave the field to go pee in a single game, the Phillies will obliterate it this season, hands down. Now, I don’t want anyone saying “hey, the Phillies are a good team and I like them and you are an idiot”…….I just plain don’t want anyone saying that….in fact if I hear you said that I will find you and feed you to Jessica Simpson at a chili cook-off. What was I talking about again? Oh yeah – the Phils were “decent” last year, but you can only ride the flash-in-the-pan-pony of Ryan Howard, Chase Utley, and Jimmy Rollins for a one time lucky season. Sure, they’re perennial all-stars; but what does that even mean? I mean, what – that they’re the best player in the National League at their position? Pssshaaawww I say…..that’s like being the best jerk at the toilet store……nice. The other HUUUUUUGE issue they face is the fact that they play in the same division as the mighty Mets. Come September, those guys have ice in their veins……I mean, they did blow a 7 game lead over 17 games back in 2007 to miss the playoffs…….oh, and last year they led their division for a bulk of season only to lose to the Marlins at home in the last game of the season to miss the playoffs again….but there is no way you can convince me the Mets aren’t going to have a huge lead all season, and just maintain and waltz right into the playoffs….there’s just no historical precedent for it, and I just plain wont hear it!  My heart wants to say that the Phillies will lose 162 games and finish second to last in their division as the Nationals play in the NL East as well, and chances are the Nats will find a way to lose more games than they play.

Final Prediction: Howard, Utley, and Rollins play like Dobbs, Bruntlett, and Paulino as they hurtle back to earth a mere shell of their former championship glory going 84-78 and missing the playoffs, causing much battery-throwing and child-booing by the Phillies faithful.

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14 Responses to “Why They Are Going to Suck – Phillies Edition”

  1. Tim Tigeer Says:

    Looks like you nailed that prediction, Jack. How many games will the Phillies lose this year ?

  2. Mors Says:

    Just another hater… you are pathetic crying over the phils success… why dont u stop writing ur complaints on this blog of yours and come down to south philly…

  3. PHILLIELUVER Says:

    YOU ARE A FREAK!!!!
    THE PHILS ARE AMAZING!!
    WORLD SERIES CHAMPS 2009 THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!
    *APPLAUSE*
    YOU ARE JUST A BIASED FREAK WHO DOESN’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT BASEBALL!!
    YOU AND YOUR HOME TEAM CAN GO CRY TO YOUR MOMMIES WHEN THE PHILLIES CRUSH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    HAVE A NICE LIFE WHEN WE DESTROY YOUR WIMPY HOME TEAM!!!!
    By the way, Phils are in 1st place currently, so don’t go hatin’.
    You really shouldn’t post this stuff, now you know what happens when you do.

    Anyhow,
    THE PHILADELPHIAN RUFFIANS WOULD LIKE A PIECE OF YOU!!!!!

    EAT IT JACK! EAT IT!!!!!!!!! FIRST PLACE CHAMPS 4EVER! GO PHILS!!!!

  4. cobb Says:

    its pretty amusing to read all this garbage at this point in time. at least ryan howard doesn’t wait til spring break is weeks away to get surgery.

  5. Danica Says:

    u are just so jealous cuse we got the best players and a lot of ppl like them wht do u like the Yankees THEY SUCK BALLS

  6. Anthony Rinard Says:

    yea seriously.. stop crying like a little bitch…

  7. Kazumi Says:

    really? You cant be that immature. thats 1 pic, wheres the rest? why you tryin to make the phillies look bad? seriously! i bet ur home team sucks balls. Wut, do you like the mets? go back to new yorke, ya noob! YOU SUCK BALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!

  8. Michelle Says:

    WHAT.? Dont go hating on a team you have no buisness hating on. if your not a fan, then okay. Really the picture.?RIDUCLOUSE. 08′ WORLD SERIES CHAMPS. who sucks.?

  9. David Says:

    … people like you always say “oh he philiies suck” well heres wat i got to say, get the heck out of this country if your gonna deny that the phillies are so much better than your team *cough* yankees *cough* then you just gotta leave

    GO BACK TO NEW YORK YA JERK

  10. u-suck Says:

    apparently u cant read at all cause the phillies still destroy teams without trying and the mets will never win the division. so good luck with the mighty mets cause their theme song really makes them a real team. its funny that the phillies go into a slum cant win a game and the mets are so bad they can only go up three games, come back at the phills when u learn somethin

  11. jackie Says:

    The Phillies won the WORLD SERIES in 2008 and came in 2nd 2009. and they are going to win in 2010 faggots get ready!

  12. ausavin26 Says:

    Do you have a life atleast they are active i bet you sit down eating mcdonalds allday and making blogs eerybody thinks suck go get a life fool and stop making others fell bad.

  13. ausavin26 Says:

    It you got hit with a 90 mph fastball woulnt you make that face jerk

  14. ausavin26 Says:

    why do you hate baseball players little girl

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