Author Archive

ARRGG>WOOF

February 2, 2012

L-O-I day is dead, but we’re all left wanting…Sark’s “WOOF’S” echo in the distance, and the single 4-stars and multiple 3-stars we have pale in comparison to the 4- and 5-stars that have sadly diarrhea’d into the fax machine of the UW hopper. The rein of Pirate Leach, however, changes everything. Super-steals like Sam Jones & Gabriel Marks,  and the retention of Taylor Taliulu show that CML is willing to flex his muscle whenever and wherever he needs to. Though it’s a Top 50 recruiting class, at best it doesn’t mean douche-crotch performance; I swear, we’re in bowl games this year and taking 3 of the next 4 Apple Cups is a hopeful chance…..not because we have better kids but because I know for a fact UW kids will take a frat level of mental and physical abuse to the point where they become the guys who either flame out and “smush a bush” or play like Jeremy Stevens and “eat rape for dinner”. So, here’s believing we can appreciate good news and coast to a hopeful 10 bowl bods in a row thanks to the Pirate Leach…….ARGGHHHH

All hail PIRATE LEACH!!!

February 1, 2012

Oh Hai! I’m fresh off my monthly va-jazzling, but there’s no doubt it has been a while. Do you care? Of course you do, no doi. And so, I am here to announce STUFFANDTHINGS is back!! Thanks for being patient, and though I know only my Grammy and Pops care, you should know that there has been a major relocation of our HOMEBASE..and by HOMEBASE I mean the laptop on which I type right now. It has traveled far, without permission, and sometimes I think it might strangle me in my sleep….. but that’s so super ridiculous – if anyone strangles me it will be my loser wife. So here we are, outside Orlando…but I promise I still have perspective on Seattle sports! Well, at least as much as the half-ass fans that live there..BA-ZING!!!!! Go Sounders right??? They are the best! Kicking and passing and shit…. you’re all total fucks. Yup. We’re back.

You’re welcome.

Today In Movie News!

May 11, 2010

THIS JUST IN!!! Canuck’s defenceman and ruptured testicle recipient has agreed, in principle, to play “Adult Butters Leopold Stotch” in an, as of now undated, live action South Park summer blockbuster movie.

In similar news, local Seattle radio host Dave “Softy” Mahler has been rumored to be the leading candidate for the role of “Adult Eric Cartman”…….Softy could not be reached for comment.

Romeo=Me,Juliet=Hockey…….Except We Can Be Together

April 23, 2010

Dear Hockey,

             I know that we have never been close, but I used to play you in the street when I was a child. I was pretty decent, but cars always came and we would have to stop playing and that was super annoying. Though I am now far-removed from those halcyon days of my youth, with a pothole-filled road in my rear view I have reached a state of enlightenment that only comes with age and experience. I have been awakened to the possibilities of becoming a fan of you (not a player, because that would be devastating for all involved and I’m pretty sure rollerblades have a weight limit).

I am becoming a man who is evolving into a devotee of what you bring to the table. I have learned to appreciate some of your finer points, from the tranquil grace of zamboni breaks to the savage artistry of your bone-rattling hits…..also I like the punching of other dudes in the face…superb. I guess my purpose in writing you this letter is to provide a mea culpa of sorts. I have been burdened with the guilt of spurning your advances for so many years that my love affair with you in recent months has seemed almost bittersweet. BUT NO LONGER……Hockey, I love you! I am not saying that this is forever but it is for now; and maybe that’s good enough. I hope we are at a place where we can spend time together, getting to know each others’ strengths and faults, and exploring what could be an epic affair that tests the limits of space, time, and the love a man can have with a sport. Until those fat cats in Washington get their crap together, we obviously can’t be “together” in the eyes of the world, but that is of little consequence…..we know what we have and what this could become.

So, I come to you on bended knee, Hockey…..won’t you take me in your gentle yet robust arms and hold me close? Show me all your secrets and allow me to love you in spite of my past neglect of you. Also, if you could make the Canucks win Lord Stanley’s Cup that would be pretty cool of you……

With a love that cannot be measured with any known equation,

JackElliotsMoustache

P.S. Your brother Lacrosse is a total douche…please don’t bring him to my friend’s birthday party this weekend.

What to do With Fister, Snell, and Vargas ? or !

April 22, 2010

As it stands currently, the decision of which pitcher gets replaced in the Mariners starting rotation when Cliff Lee comes back will be made April 30th, which just happens to be the day of his first start. Going into writing this post, I wanted to show why Doug Fister should be the one who loses his spot, because everyone is so high on him right now…..as it turns out, it is one tough task to discount The Fister.

The choice Wak will have to make is between Doug Fister, Jason Vargas, or Ian Snell. On the surface, it’s a no brainer: Ian Snell has had a much tougher time pitching this season, so we send him to the pen so as not to lose him. Digging in a little deeper, this may be the right call based on more than just a surface level glance. I am going to go out on a limb and assume all three guys would struggle in unfriendly ball parks (with Vargas most likely being a little more successful),  so I am going to base my thoughts on how they do and will pitch in Safeco.

 Doug Fister is truly built to pitch in Safeco Field. The guy is a ground ball pitcher, and with that defense behind him in a bigger than average park he has been and stands to be very productive at home. The starts he has had this year have been fantastic, and I think it has made this decision all the harder. He is a tougher nut to crack projection-wise, because his big league body of work is just too small a sample-size to really gain any substantial information from.  Moving on to Snell and Vargas….. These two are similar statistically: they both give up more fly balls than ground balls, they throw similar pitches at a similar frequency (with Vargas having the benefit of a true “out pitch”), and they both project to win about 8 games this season. Snell has more heat on his fastball (and in my opinion has a higher upside), but is more volatile. So, based on these facts I choose……crap.

I have truly failed in my intention of presenting a clear-cut pitcher to drop. I have no more idea what to do than I did an hour ago. If I were in a situation where I had to make the call right now or someone would shoot my cats, the cats would die; not just because I couldn’t make a decision, but because I WOULDN’T make a decision – those little bastards just love to pee on the carpet and on my clothes, so go ahead, shoot ’em. A friend much smarter than I suggested a sort of “rotating door” starter position, where the right guy for the job is called in based upon the opposition…. and that works for me. As she said, the Mariners are all about “outside the box” thinking, so why not? I know I was only going to focus on how they would do at Safeco, but the idea of the flexible rotation has me daydreaming of home-game-only pitching Fister, who relies so heavily on our fantastic defense and on Safeco field which helps him out a ton, and while on the road, choosing between Vargas and Snell based on the opponent as a temporary solution. All in all, this is an awesome problem to have, because we’ll be plugging Cliff Lee into the rotation and getting to see the monster that is the best one-two-punch in baseball start to devour townspeople and what not.

Of course, we will most likely be revisiting this when Bedard gets back, so this about as temporary as temporary gets. To conclude this arduous journey, I have accepted the idea that was presented to me before I really even starting looking into it. Sweet waste of time.

Also, to anyone out there who might know someone who is into the whole “make a decision or I shoot your cats” type of thing, please have them email me….. those jerks have got to go.

First Post of 2010! I Win!!

April 20, 2010

For those of us fortunate enough to experience the first 6 innings of Doug Fister’s amazing pitching performance, we can count ourselves ROBBED! Robbed, dear friends, of an all-but-guaranteed complete game no-hitter…..robbed of this by none other than S&T writer Double L. Allow me to tell you a story of betrayal……
 

[**A quick note: Before we navigate the perils of space and time to prove that Double L screwed everything up, it will greatly enhance your reading journey to have an accurate picture of what I look like. Imagine if George Clooney and Leonardo DiCaprio had a baby, then that baby somehow made a baby with the baby of Brad Pitt and Ewan McGregor…..and when THAT baby grew up it had a baby with Tom Selleck (for moustachey goodness) and was also all super-ripped and had like, laser eyes and, ummmm, robot hands and stuff……well that would be me. Also, I have the tail of a lion. So now that you have the proper frame of reference, let’s travel back to yesterday…a simpler time…**] (Our time travel will be aided by the coolest homemade  compilation of Back to the Future screengrabs known to man…and it’s FRENCH….Retour Vers le Futur indeed!!!)


 
After cleaning up the house at the request of my lovely roommate (wife), I grabbed a delightful beer and landed my awesome ass on the couch just in time to catch the last few innings of the game. Watching Fister work fastball after fastball to the lowly Orioles lineup was both fun AND exhilarating. That’s when it happened……the ding of the iPhone text message…the name “Mollin Mennett” (name changed to protect stupid Collin Ben….dang it) appeared with an ominous message below: “DOUG EFFING FISTER!”…..Within three seconds of reading this message, Nick Markakis drove a ball right back up the box into center field breaking up the no-hitter. Lucky for our own Double L, he wasn’t in range of my laser eyes…or whatever awesome power I gave myself in the above description which I am too lazy to revisit in order to stay consistent….because if he WAS within range I would have toasted his brains via his rectum (Rectum? Damn near killed’em! …..er, sorry). As ANY baseball fan knows, you get passed the 5th inning with a no-no, you DON’T TALK TO ANYBODY for fear of jinxing the outing. Well looks like Jerky McAss-Hat missed the memo. This is why the blame falls squarely on his dainty, lady-like shoulders….right where the straps of his training bra sit. I know you all are as livid as I am, so I am taking this opportunity to give you a voice to speak out against the atrocities committed by Double L. Use the comment section to call him all sorts of names and draw dirty pictures of him and John Goodman together……..have at him, for he RUINED THE NIGHT.

(PROOF BELOW)

Football Embarrassment Video Thursday/Friday

October 1, 2009

I once saw a man throw the top of one of those Crate and Barrel heavy glass candles at someone over a Randall Cunningham themed argument…….so I may don the ol’ bullet-proof attire from now on……..the man is a menace…suck it Jendro!

Football Embarrassment Video Thursday/Friday

October 1, 2009

Classic Phil! Also, possibly the greatest video featuring the line “I like to Ram it as you can see, nobody likes ramming as much as me”.

Football Embarrassment Video Thursday/Friday

October 1, 2009

Hey. Welcome to our new and very awesome thing that, like everything else, will last a week…… tops. Enjoy.

Upset Alert: Cougars Refuse To Poop All Over Themselves vs. USC

September 27, 2009

Save_Gas_Ride_A_Cougar-2T

Last night, I was conversing with a fellow Coug as a never-in-doubt loss to USC had us excited because, despite not winning, we weren’t being taken to the woodshed. He made a very insightful observation into the mind-frame of Cougar football fans; he said “the thing about Cougar fans is that no matter how bad we are, we can always find something to get excited about.” I found this to be an incredibly astute statement, and then spent the next 10 minutes analyzing my own attitude – my joy over holding USC scoreless for two quarters and only allowing seven points over three quarters was the kind of joy most fans only show in a blow-out victory or an upset over a ranked opponent……not to say I wouldn’t love to have beaten USC at home and really exposed a far-less-talented-than-usual trojan squad, but when you’ve been blown out by Hawaii and needed an overtime field goal to beat SMU, you set your expectations nice and low. And, for just a few minutes, the future looked incredibly bright with true freshman QB Jeff Teul throwing the ball all over the trojan defense….mostly to his favorite target, true freshman receiver Gino Simone. All in all, a loss is a loss, and did they look terrible at times…..but those small amounts of hope shone brightly in the minds of cougar fans, and THAT is what separates the Cougs from the rest….eternal hope and self-deprecating pessimism…not quite sure how those two co-exist….but it is what it is.