Posts Tagged ‘Peyton Manning’

If Every American Mails Peyton Manning $1, I Think He Might Finally Retire

February 2, 2012

Peyton Coverage = Anti-Eugene

Hey there, friend.  You’re probably wondering what I’m doing right now (8:16 pm PST) I’m currently watching 30 Rock, and Kristin Schaal is guest starring as a new page.  Seeing her reminded me of Bob’s Burgers, a show near and dear to my heart.  One of my favorite actors on that show is Eugene Mirman.  I just love Eugene Mirman!  I think he’s hilarious.  I literally cannot get enough of Eugene Mirman.

My adoration of all things Eugene is the opposite of how I feel about all this Peyton Manning coverage.  In fact, there are many opposites between Eugene Mirman and the Peyton Manning coverage.  This might be easier if I just compile a list of all the opposites that exist between these two.

Eugene Mirman               Peyton Manning Coverage
-Funny                            -Not Funny
-Overweight                    -Not Overweight
-Comedian                      -Not Comedian
-Russian Heritage           -No Russian Heritage

NEED I CONTINUE?

Look, here’s my point.  The media has been speculating on Peyton’s future for a while, but the attention has really ramped up in the past couple of weeks.  It’s incessant.  I really don’t think I need to say anything else because you know what I’m going to say.  Sports media’s obsession with all things Peyton must be put to a stop!

This is why I propose the Peyton Plan: If you, me and Rick Perry combine our efforts, I am convinced that we can persuade every American (even you, infants!) to donate one dollar to Peyton Manning.  This combined value of $312,953,322 should be enough to convince the beleaguered quarterback to hang up his cleats for good and put an end to ESPN’s blather.  Once again we will be able to turn on the TV without fear of hearing about all 22 NFL teams who might take a risk on Peyton Manning next season.

So, dear reader, will you join me in implementing the Peyton Plan? Together, I believe we can make a difference!  We will prevail!

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