Oh, Chicago Cubs, why must you perennially disappoint us year after year? For shame, Chicago Cubs! You haven’t won the World Series since 1908. And people say Seattle sports teams suck! Since 1984, the Cubbies have made the playoffs six times. I can almost count that high on one hand! And there are some people who can count to six on one hand! (Like Count Rugen from The Princess Bride.) I wonder what the advantages to having six fingers would be. You know, besides the obvious stuff, like having a great conversation starter which you could use to meet hot babes at “da’ club”. But I digress. Like I was saying, the Cubs have built a pretty strong and reliable reputation for letting their fans down. Granted, the team has made massive strides toward redeeming themselves, especially in the past two seasons. However, none of that will matter in 2009, when everything will go to Hell in a hand basket once again.
The reason for the Cubs’ inevitable collapse? The names of their players. The Cubs’ roster is filled with headache-enducing names, featuring players like Geovany Soto* and Michael Eugene Fontenot. Other strange-but-true names include Joey Gathright, Ted Lilly (Lilly is either (1) a girl’s name, or (2) the name of a flower. Talk about a no-win situation), Kosuke Fukudome (I don’t even know how to make a joke about his name without using the f-word), and Alfonso Soriano.
Finally, there’s the Cubs’ backup first baseman, Michah Hoffpauir. Yes, that is the correct spelling. I think I know what happened here. Moments after Michah’s birth, the doctor asked his mother what her son was to be named. Unfortunately, Michah’s momma had a postpartum seizure, and the incoherent babbling that emerged from her foaming mouth sounded something like “Michah Hoffpauir”. Ever since then, poor Michah has been the target of many, many postpartum seizure baby jokes.
Right now, you’re probably thinking, “You’re right, Double L! What a bunch of weirdos! But why will the players’ names make them bad at baseball?” Please, allow me to explain. With so many unusual and unconventional names plaguing the roster, the players will have a very hard time pronouncing (or even remembering!) each others’ names. How good can your team be if you can’t even remember what the guy standing next to you in the field is called? The players will be so distracted by their teammates’ confusing names, they won’t be able to focus when the game is on the line. I also envision many frustrated locker room interactions, like the one where Ted Lilly criticizes Fukudome and in the process accidentally drops an F-bomb. This irks the easily-irkable Luis Vizcaino, who throws a punch at Aramis Ramirez, starting a clubhouse brawl that is broken up by pitching coach Larry Rothschild. You can see how things might get a little wild and crazy, all because the stupid players can’t decide to change their names to something a little more manageable, like John Smith.
Final Prediction: Despite having a lineup full of CRAZY names, the Cubs of Chicago will overcome adversity and will reach the All-Star break with the best record in baseball (largely due to the absurd amount of talent on their team). Even better, the team will be on pace to win a record 137 games! HOORAY!!! However, sometime in mid-August, the inevitable will occur. The team will be flying to the west coast for a matchup against the San Diego Padres when the team’s pilot will make a light-hearted joke about Milton Bradley, incuring the wrath of the most psychotic player in MLB. In a blind fury, Bradley will storm the cockpit and kill both pilots, sending the plane careening into a field where the whole team will die in a fiery crash. Naturally, Steve Bartman will shoulder most of the blame. The team will end the season with a record of 99-18.
Wow, that was a pretty depressing prediction. Aaaaaanyway, here’s an absolutely hilarious video of Lou Pinella getting ejected. Hopefully this will cheer you up.
*For your convenience, all the funny-sounding parts of the players’ names have been presented in bold font. You’re welcome.
Stuff and Things 