Classic Phil! Also, possibly the greatest video featuring the line “I like to Ram it as you can see, nobody likes ramming as much as me”.
Hey. Welcome to our new and very awesome thing that, like everything else, will last a week…… tops. Enjoy.
Last night, I was conversing with a fellow Coug as a never-in-doubt loss to USC had us excited because, despite not winning, we weren’t being taken to the woodshed. He made a very insightful observation into the mind-frame of Cougar football fans; he said “the thing about Cougar fans is that no matter how bad we are, we can always find something to get excited about.” I found this to be an incredibly astute statement, and then spent the next 10 minutes analyzing my own attitude – my joy over holding USC scoreless for two quarters and only allowing seven points over three quarters was the kind of joy most fans only show in a blow-out victory or an upset over a ranked opponent……not to say I wouldn’t love to have beaten USC at home and really exposed a far-less-talented-than-usual trojan squad, but when you’ve been blown out by Hawaii and needed an overtime field goal to beat SMU, you set your expectations nice and low. And, for just a few minutes, the future looked incredibly bright with true freshman QB Jeff Teul throwing the ball all over the trojan defense….mostly to his favorite target, true freshman receiver Gino Simone. All in all, a loss is a loss, and did they look terrible at times…..but those small amounts of hope shone brightly in the minds of cougar fans, and THAT is what separates the Cougs from the rest….eternal hope and self-deprecating pessimism…not quite sure how those two co-exist….but it is what it is.
Well crap, I guess even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once and a while…stupid huskies….and thank the Lord that the blind, deaf, dumb, swine-flu-infected, product-of-incest squirrel that is the Washington State Cougar football team also managed to scare up a little meal. Since I am so devastated about the inaccuracy of my husky football team prediction from last weekend, I have decided to instead predict what this Saturday will look like for Husky (as in God’s full-figured little earth angels) people. These Huskies will wake up early, covered in post late-night Wendys garbage and feeling deeply saddened, but ready to make a change. They will have been stress-testing the fence that lies between fat and in-shape for far too long….. “TO THE GYM!!!!!” the Husky guy/girl will announce. Arriving at the gym in too-tight yoga clothes (girl)/a sleeveless muscle tee with a food stain on it (guy), they will head straight for the smoothie bar to grab a pre-workout drink. 45 minutes and 400 calories later, it’s “time to get their sweat on”…technically the walk to the car earlier lit that candle, but hey – nobody’s keeping track of these things. A nice 10 minutes on the treadmill for him/15 fart-filled minutes in hot yoga for her and confidence will be rising….”I could do this every day!”….rigggghhhhhtttt. Time for weight machines (free weights are hard on your joints right?) – 20 minutes lifting to the sweet, sweet sounds of Nickelback (him)/Beyonce (her…..oh, this leg extension is going to make someone want to “put a ring on it” NOW). Feeling strong, lean, and mean, it will be time for him/her to head home via the long route so as to avoid the Wendys drive thru…. good idea husky guy/gal….. a left on 32nd street and then home free! Oh CRAP……When did they put in that Taco Bell?! They are building NEW Taco Bells? Oh God…..must…..run…..for……border……..”Welcome to Taco Bell, may I take your order?”
Thus, in not-fat-but-not-skinny Purgatory he/she will remain. Fast Food Deliciousness-1 Husky Guy/Girl-0……..also UW-33 Stanford-28.
I’m happy to say that my prediction from last week was wrong. It must have been my rooting for the Cougs that turned the tide. WSU were able to win in overtime against a terrible SMU team that out gained them 504-276. How do you give up 504 yards to SMU!? But at least a national crisis of was averted. There wasn’t any more drinking or daubchery than what normally takes place in Pullman during a cougar game. And the Cougs got their win for the season. Yay.
This week, however, I don’t think they will be so lucky. They travel to southern California to take on a pissed-off USC team. I’m not sure if you heard about it, but last week USC lost to the Dawgs. Somehow, the Cougs are 8-56-4 against the Trojans. That’s a .143 winning percentage, folks. They shouldn’t even play this game. USC is getting back QB Matt Barkley and most likely All-American saftey Taylor Mays as well, while the Cougs have lost leading rusher James Montgomery for the season. I’m beginning to think that this just isn’t the Cougs year. But what year is ever the year of the Coug? 42-3 USC.
It seems like we haven’t been getting along lately and I am starting the get the feeling that you resent me for some reason. Is it because I have been thinking about going to the Moon and you don’t want me to see other planets? I heard about you taking Cougar running back James Montgomery out for the season….seriously World? What is your deal? Don’t you feel like you have done enough already? I mean the Cougs are 3-13 in their last 16 games…don’t you think you have taken a big enough dump on my sports life? This has to stop! I am unsure of my legal options at this point but I am assuming a restraining order is not out of the question. For now Planet, stay the hell out of my way and quit crapping on me……OR ELSE I am going to cut down the entire rainforest and start wasting all the natural resources I can! I am going to pave every inch of you! and dump dog poop in your oceans.
With all the disdain one man can possess and an aerosol can pointed straight at your ozone,
Welcome to the first ever Tuesday Morning Dude Ranch! Ok, so it isn’t really the morning any more, but bear with me. I had a lot of things to get done this morning. (Like watching last night’s season premiere of Heroes. CRAZY!) As the title suggests, this is my completely homo heterosexual analysis of this week’s five hottest guys in the NFL (concerning their on-field performance, of course). LET THE ANALYZING COMMENCE!
5. Drew Brees, QB, New Orleans Saints
Generally, I like any player or team who stuffs it down the throats of a team from Philadelphia. This is due in large part to my undying hatred of all things Philly. However, the primary reason Drew Brees stands out this week is becuase he is currently carrying my fantasy team. This hunk of a man lit up the crappy Eagles D for 311 yards and 3 touchdowns. Thanks for the 22 fantasy points, Drew! You’re my hero! I would like to add that shortly after this game, I dropped the crappy Eagles D from my other fantasy team. Now it’s Falcons D all the way, baby! (Until they let me down.)
4. Ronnie Brown, RB/QB/Manager/Cheerleader, Miami Dolphins
This guy came out on Monday night with a lot to prove, since the Dolphins’ entire Wildcat offense hinges on his superhuman abilities. How did he perform? Oh, he only led his team to a thorough stomping of the Indianapo- wait, what was that? The Colts did win?! Crap. Well, nevertheless, Ronnie Brown’s sexy one-man-show pretty much destroyed a strong Colts defense. In other words, Brown had 24 rushes for 136 yds and 2 touchdowns in what has been described as a gimmicky offense. And I’m pretty sure he played about half of the positions on the field at some point in the game. Including cheerleader. What a man! Now, if only they would legalize the A-11…
3. Matt Schaub, QB, Houston Texans
On Sunday, Schaub put on what can only be described as an adorable performance against the Tennessee Titans, throwing for 357 yards and 4 TDs. I have been in love with this guy since he was Michael Vick’s backup in Hotlanta. Who’s laughing now, Vick? His team now stands at 1-1 atop the Buttercup Division of the Magical Fairies Confrence, which are two things that I just made up.
2. Dallas Clark, TE, Indianapolis Colts
As he demonstrated on the first play of the game, Dallas Clark was just too hot and sweaty for the Miami defense to handle. Clark burst forth for 183 receiving yards and his massive 80 yard touchdown. After watching his massive awesomeness, it is easy to see why his teammates* have described him as the “big, cuddly teddy bear of the NFL”.
And the Stud Muffin of the Week (patent pending) is…..
Chris Johnson, RB, Tennessee Titans
Johnson’s stellar performance had the ladies swooning and me pooping my pants in sheer wonder. He trampled the Texans for 197 yards and two touchdowns, but it just wasn’t enough (see Matt Schaub’s fabulous performance above). However, he still looked gorgeous on the field as he averaged 12.3 yards per carry.
Hot College Talent of the Week: Jake Locker, QB/Savior, Washington Huskies
While he didn’t put up stellar numbers for the #24 ranked (seriously? 24th already?!) Huskies team, Locker did everything else in the greatest upset in the history of anything, ever, as UW layed the smackdown on USC. Locker looked like a man and a half as he calmly but deliberately led the hometown favorite down the field, drive after drive. Also, I heard he delivered twins in an emergency C-Section during halftime. Tim Tebow who? Immediatley after the game, Locker was elected mayor of Seattle and solved the world’s clean water problem. Also, he can cure a person’s cancer just by spitting in their face.
Big Mean Jerk of the Week: Frank Gore, Douchy RB, San Francisco 49ers
What a fat jerkwad. This big bully ran for 207 yards against my beloved Seattle Seahawks. At one point, I legitimately thought he was gonna exceed the 300 yard mark. Every time he got the ball, the 49ers’ offensive line opened up lanes wide enough to drive an aircraft carrier through. SIDEWAYS! Man, I hate that big ugly jerk with his rippling abs and his bulging muscular arms and his… er, I mean, Frank Gore sucks.
Well, I hope you enjoyed my little foray through the hottest dudes the NFL has to offer. See you next week!
*Dallas Clark’s teammates = me
It is always a great joy to announce a new segment that hopefully lasts for as long as we say it will. Today it is my pleasure to alert you to a new weekly piece from our own Double LL……..Double LL’s Tuesday Morning Dude Ranch!! So check back later today for the first installment of what should be a truly amazing series of posts……OR…check back later today for a one time post that will fall by the wayside like our baseball previews……did we ever finish that?
Just a week removed from giving up close to 500 yards of total offense to mighty Idaho Vandals, the huskies have the good fortune of facing a should-be division 1-AA team from southern California. The predictions that follow are basically fact, as my 6th sense is the ability to accurately predict husky football outcomes. The substantially less talented huskies will jump out to a quick 7-0 lead, and in a moment of pure coaching genius, coach Sarkisian will attempt an onside kick on the ensuing and recover the ball. With all the USC fans in the house stunned, Jake Locker steps under center ready to hopefully lead the huskies down field for his second touchdown of the day…..Suddenly, the zookeeper who had been using a magnetic force-field to hold back the 7 grizzly bears and 9 tigers he had been neglecting to feed for the last few weeks on the husky sideline dropped his force-field remote, releasing the 16 savage beasts….Have I mentioned that Jake Locker was wearing steak flavored football pants?….no? Well, Jake Locker, in a moment of pre-game poor judgment, went with the steak flavored pants to try and fire up his offensive linemen. With the blood thirsty woodland creatures free to feast and having eyes only for the man in the steak flavored pants, I don’t need to describe what happens next….but I probably should…..Jake takes the snap and notices one of the larger, more rabies-infested bears tearing towards him….he attempts to throw the football at the bear but over throws it by a good 15 yards leaving himself defenseless……and now armless as well. That’s when the rest of the bears and tigers get in on the feast…. Tragic, just tragic…..So, after cleaning up the carnage, the Trojans, who really, Jake Locker or not, will go on to score 112 unanswered points leading to our final score prediction! USC 112 – UW 7.
……..and a nice little treat for the Cougar fans:
Being a Husky fan, I almost revel in the cougars sucking. However, at this point I almost feel bad for them. I mean, this week they are 6 point underdogs to SMU. To SMU! This is a team that went 1-11 last year and probably represents the cougs best chance of winning a game this season. I think at this point if they lose this game, WSU might consider just canceling the rest of the season. The coaches, players and especially the fans just need a break from all the heartache. I know cougar fans relish being the loveable losers in the state, but I’m a little worried about what this loss might do to their psyche. Their depression might start spilling over into other areas of their lives and they might start drinking even more and having random sex with even more people, however impossible that might sound. So, this week, although it goes against all my principles, I will be rooting for the cougars to win, if only to save the world from what might happen if they don’t. Final score prediction: 28-20 SMU.