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The M’s are Doin’ Work

December 16, 2009

In case you haven’t heard, the Mariners have been doing some work so far in this baseball offseason.  Today they finalized a deal that sends 3 minor leaguers, who are decent but not all that good, to the Phillies for Cliff Lee.  CLIFF FREAKIN’ LEE! Two years ago he won the Cy Young and this year, he not only was almost as good during the regular season, but he absolutely dominated a ridiculous Yankee lineup in the World Series.  And Lee is cheap, earning only 9 mil this year.  He is a free agent at the end of the year, but teaming him with Felix Hernandez gives the Mariners the top 1-2 punch in the Majors this year, if not beyond.

And in order to make the push for the playoffs, the M’s last week signed Chone Figgins to a 4 year $36 mil deal.  As much as I hate Figgins because of his time with Angels, I’m quite happy he’s coming to the M’s.  He’s one of those players that teams love to have and hate to play against, being a bit of a pest.  But I mean that in a good way.  Having him and Ichiro at the top of the lineup gives them two of the best table setters in the business.

In addition, with the Mariners signing Figgins and the Red Sox signing John Lackey away from the Angles, the Halos are certainly going to be hurting. The Mariners might even be the favorites to win the AL West right.  How awesome is that?

The question is what happens now?  The M’s probably still need to add at least one more bat.  There has been some talk of Adrian Gonzalez of the Padres, which would be incredible.  But there are other options if the team doesn’t want to give up the prospects that is would require to get the first baseman.  As is stands, the Mariners have added at least 7 wins to their true talent level in the last few weeks and, if you are an M’s fan, you have to be ecstatic.  Next season is going to be awesome.  Maybe there will be more tickling.

Cougar Predictions from a Husky Fan

September 25, 2009

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I’m happy to say that my prediction from last week was wrong.  It must have been my rooting for the Cougs that turned the tide.  WSU were able to win in overtime against a terrible SMU team that out gained them 504-276.  How do you give up 504 yards to SMU!? But at least a national crisis of was averted.  There wasn’t any more drinking or daubchery than what normally takes place in Pullman during a cougar game.  And the Cougs got their win for the season.  Yay.

This week, however, I don’t think they will be so lucky.  They travel to southern California to take on a pissed-off USC team.  I’m not sure if you heard about it, but last week USC lost to the Dawgs. Somehow, the Cougs are 8-56-4 against the Trojans.  That’s a .143 winning percentage, folks.  They shouldn’t even play this game.  USC is getting back QB Matt Barkley and most likely All-American saftey Taylor Mays as well, while the Cougs have lost leading rusher James Montgomery for the season.  I’m beginning to think that this just isn’t the Cougs year.  But what year is ever the year of the Coug?  42-3 USC.

Cougar Predictions From A Husky Fan

September 18, 2009

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Being a Husky fan, I almost revel in the cougars sucking.  However, at this point I almost feel bad for them.  I mean, this week they are 6 point underdogs to SMU.  To SMU!  This is a team that went 1-11 last year and probably represents the cougs best chance of winning a game this season.  I think at this point if they lose this game, WSU might consider just canceling the rest of the season.  The coaches, players and especially the fans just need a break from all the heartache.  I know cougar fans relish being the loveable losers in the state, but I’m a little worried about what this loss might do to their psyche. Their depression might start spilling over into other areas of their lives and they might start drinking even more and having random sex with even more people, however impossible that might sound.  So, this week, although it goes against all my principles, I will be rooting for the cougars to win, if only to save the world from what might happen if they don’t.  Final score prediction: 28-20 SMU.

Why They Are Going to Suck – Brewers Edition

April 9, 2009

Next up in the aggravatingly boring National League Central is the team formerly known as the Seattle Pilots.  Many of you already know this, but in 1969 Bud Selig “acquired in bankruptcy court” (meaning stole from a poor soul who was having trouble making ends meet) Seattle’s Major League Baseball franchise and promptly moved them to Milwaukee.  Bud then changed the name to the Brewers to better take advantage of the city’s rich cultural history of beer brewers and drinkers.  He used Milwaukeeians’ love for beer in the same way he used players love for being the best and cheating to get there, to make more money.  More than 40 years later, he claimed that he had done all he could to rid baseball of steroids when it was in MLB’s financial interest to let Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa “save” baseball after the ’94 strike.  You can see the slight conflict of interest there.  While Bud is no longer the owner of the Brewers, let be known that it was in Milwaukee where he began his conniving ways. 

sausage-raceMilwaukee is doing it’s best to challenge Miami as the fattest city in the nation.  Not only do the people of Milwaukee enjoy a cool refreshing beer, one of their most beloved events is the between-inning sausage race around Miller Park.  What better way to promote good health than to watch 5 people dressed up as types of meat run around, trying not to fall down.  Fun fact: after every Brewer home run, their mascot, Bernie Brewer slides a yellow plastic slide.  He could just take the stairs but he’s too hefty for that, too much of a work out.  And which Brewers player led the team in home runs last year? Prince Fielder, who is not a small man but is a big fan of donuts.  prince_fielderMilwaukee certainly has an attraction to great, big fat people.

Last year, the Brewers made the playoffs for the first time since 1982, but it’s going to be a rough summer this time around.  They should be decent offensively, if Prince can stop drooling over those delectable pastries, but their rotation is going to be terrible.  Their top two pitchers from the end of last year, CC Sabathia and Ben Sheets, are no longer with the team.  After Yovani Gallardo, they have Dave Bush, Jeff Suppan and Braden Looper.  Ouch.  They seem to have an affinity for Cardinals’ cast offs.  Let’s hope they don’t sign Jeff Weaver anytime soon. 

brewers-mascotFinal prediction:  Nothing is going to save the team from this terrible rotation which, in turn, will drive the Milwaukee faithful to drink even more.  But, Brewer Fans, the Brew Crew will hit a lot of home runs, so get used to seeing this guy in your drunken stupor.

Why They Are Going to Suck – Cardinals Edition

April 6, 2009

I’m not quite sure what to say about the St. Louis Cardinals.   They don’t have any of the normal reasons that we have listed for why they are going to suck.  Their fan-base is pretty supportive without being overly rabid, like the fans of the Yankees or Redsox.  They have a pretty good stadium, unlike the pitiful Marlins.  buschcardinalThey aren’t even owned by Anheuser-Busch anymore and this owner, Bill DeWitt, is relatively uncrazy and hands-off while providing a decent payroll.  The Cards are mostly just boring.  How many people even know that they have the second most World Series Championships?  So, for this edition of why they are going to suck I’m going to have to focus on the players and coaches. 

Let’s start with Tony La Russa.  Known to be somewhat surrly, Tony has run at least a few players out of town, most notably allstar third baseman Scott Rollen.  Fun Fact: Tony recieved his law degree from Florida State University prior to tony-larussobecoming a manager.  I guess some of those whiny players can’t handle what I am sure are his logical and reasoned criticisms of their play.  They probably aren’t big fans of his dancing ability either; pictured here is his skinamarinkidinkidink. 

Tony leads a team of lovable misfits, held together with duct tape and bailing wire.  First, we have Albert Pujols, the Cardinals best (and really only) hope for an above average player.  And who knows if he can even stay healthy.  Due to an elbow injury last year, he was only able to put up a .357/.462/.653 slash line.  Al, you are better than that.  Suck it up.  Behind him, the Cardinals offense will be legitimately terrible.  Troy Glaus will be out for an indeterminate amount of time so they are screwed at third base.  Some guy named Skip is playing second, and they have Rick Ankiel, a pitcher, starting in center field.  He was so bad on the mound that he once threw 5 wild pitches in one inning.  And he’s not even the worse pitcher on the team.  Joel Pinero is the Cardinals number two starter and their 4th highest paid player!  The fact that he is making 5.5 million a year makes me want to punch something.  Added to that, their best pitcher is Chris Carpenter, who hasn’t pitched in two years.  This guy is about as reliable as me when it comes to getting my posts up on time. 

Final Prediction:  All of their best players are either hurt,  are coming off injury or they suck, which never a good recipe if you want to win.  On top of that, their manager is a loony who dances on the field and everything else about them is boring.  They even had to sample another song for their theme song.  I think the Cards are going to struggle again this year with injuries and suckiness and finish 78-84. 

Why They Are Going to Suck – Yankees Edition

March 30, 2009

This year the Yankees have all the hallmarks of collapsing under the weight of their $200 million+ payroll.  Let’s just count the ways they are going to fall on their face this season, shall we?  I don’t really want to talk about A-Rod, but it’s hard to ignore him.  From his steroid use (in the robotic interview where he confessed, he claims to have only taken them during the 2001-2003 seasons…umm, sure…), to his crazy narcisism arodkiss(just look at the photo shoot from Details magazine), to his dating a “madame”  (apparently, he actually dated a female pimp for about a year) and his current injury issues (he’s expected to miss about a month of the season), he’s just a walking whirlwind of bad PR.  And that is just the stuff that has come out in the last two months.  You don’t think that’s going affect his teammates?  I would beg to differ.  Fun Fact: Alex is hitting .271  with 7 homeruns and 17 RBI in 147 postseason at bats.  He’s not terrible, Yankees fans.  You might want to lay off him a little.  He’s going through a tough time right now and could really use your support. 

Next, let’s talk about the Yankees big free-agent signings.  First, Mark Texieria.  Can you say overrated?  They brought Mark in to replace Jason Giambi at first base.   Jason, along with his truely awesome ‘stache, has left for a team that obviously has the resources to pay him what he’s worth: the Oakland A’s.  I’m not sure how the Yankees expect Mark to replace him, especially defensively.  Jason is just a vaccum at first base; nothing could get by that guy.  Mark has some big shoes to fill.  Next is CC Sabathia; there’s absolutely no way he doesn’t get hurt.  In the last 2 years, including the playoffs, he’s thrown 513 innings.  ccsabathiaListed at 290 pounds (yeah right, at this point he’s probably more like 340), it’s amazing he can even walk around, let alone pitch while carrying that child.   His arm has got to be about ready to give out; that or his knees, or his heart.  Last we have AJ Burnett. There is a reason he’s last: he’s a whiney crybaby who will have no effect on the Yankees’ chances this season.  First of all, he will probably get hurt; he’s been on the DL ten times in his nine-year career.  And if he doesn’t get hurt, he won’t be able to handle the presure of pitching in New York.  He’s this year’s Sidney Ponson, only at 13.2 times the price.

On top of all that, the Yankees are opening a new stadium this season, where ticket prices are just astronomical.  $26,000 per seat for season tickets?  Good luck in this economy.  And they still have Hank “Seriously, He’s Crazy” Steinbrenner running the show.  He’s bound to get in fights with players and coaches; it is his destiny.  So let’s go through the list: Crazy star who will drag everyone down with him? Check.  Overpaid free agent signings who are likely to get injured?  Check.  A new stadium that is pricing out normal fans to the point where the stands will be half empty?  Check.  And an owner that is just waiting to jump down their throats if the team starts off rocky? Check.  Sounds like a recipe for a great year.

Final Prediction:  the Yankees will suffer though another year of missing the playoffs after both the Red Sox and the Rays trounce them, going 78-84.  On the bright side, they might do better that the Orioles.

Why They are Going to Suck – Rays Edition

March 24, 2009

If there is one foregone conclusion this season, it’s that the Tampa Bay Rays are going to be atrocious.   Fun Fact: their strongest and most ardent supporter is this guy:  dick-vitale2As you can see from Dickie V’s face, he’s already prepared for the heartache that is going to befall him this summer.  Mr. Vitale has been a season ticket holder since the Rays inaugural season in 1998, and has stuck with them through an incredible decade of horribleness.  From 1998-2007, not only did no team lose more games, but only six teams were within 100 losses of them.  Obviously, a winning tradition had been building at Tropicana Field; however, last year they broke through with their first winning season and a trip to the playoffs.  Way to go, I guess, but it’s not that hard to win when you have been stockpiling number one picks for ten years.  But good for them, every team deserves a break once in a while.

Unfortunately, it’s not going to continue this year.  Their manager, Joe Maddon,  is cleary either crazy or dumb.  I mean, just look at the team slogan he came up with last year: 9=8.  The man can’t even do simple math.  It supposedly refers to nine players playing together to make one of the eight playoffs spots, but I think the Rays are going need someone around that knows that 9 does actually equal 9.  It’s going to be hard to overcome his ineptitude for another full year.

Also, building any momentum for the year will be difficult with the weight of all the bandwagon fans still hanging on from last year.  Throughout their history, the Rays have had trouble drawing fans, and those that did come were mostly transplanted Redsox or Yankees fans that wanted to see some sort of baseball, no matter how awful it might be.  Last year, though, people kept coming out of the woodwork so that their ranks swelled to abnormal proportions.  Many fans tried to show their support by getting the ridiculous “Rayhawk.” rayhawk1Even a few female fans got the Rayhawk… only, they got them, you know, down there.  What are all these band-wagoners going to do when the Rays suck this year?  There’s no chance the Rays can keep up their winning ways.  I mean, they beat both Redsox and Yankees last year.  That has to be a fluke, right?  No one has done that in 10 years.  They have a few good players, like BJ Upton, Evan Longoria, Carlos Pena, Carl Crawford, Akinori Iwamura, James Shields and Scott Kazmir, but come on, that’s not enough to compete.

dropping-ballFinal Prediction:  This year the Rays will fall back to the dregges of the AL East, going 78-84 and, once again, stuggling to find fly balls.

Why They are Going to Suck – Marlins Edition

March 13, 2009

Continuing our trip around the League of Ineptitude, our next stop is the Florida Marlins.  The Fish play in Dolphins Stadium, perhaps the worst stadium to watch a baseball game that has ever been constructed.  Just look at it;  it’s ugly and orange and devoid of any personality.    marlinsYou couldn’t pay me to watch a game there and, apparently, Miamians feel the same way because when this picture was taken there was an actual Major League Baseball game taking place.  This game between the Marlins and Nats drew 400 people.   400 people!  To a regular season game!  Seriously.  One guy got thrown for heckling the ump.  You could hear the namecalling on TV.  Fun fact:  The Marlins are the first Major League team to have a cheer/dance team.  Can you imagine trying to get excited to cheer for a team that is drawing 400 fans?  And think about the actual cheering; there would be an echo like the Grand Canyon.  Just brutal.  The add campaign this year is “It’s where you wanna be,” following the two previous years of “You Gotta Be Here” and “You Gotta Be Here 2008.”  I think it’s time for something a little more original, like “Come to a baseball game.”  The people of Miami might need a hint as to why they want to be there.

The problem is that the baseball being played isn’t likely to draw anyone, so they might just want to give up.  Their starting rotation consists of Ricky Nolasco, Josh Johnson, Chris Volstad, Anibal Sanchez and Andrew Miller.  Has anyone besides their moms ever heard of these guys?  And the Marlins best player, Hanley Ramirez, might be the second worst defensive shortstop in the majors, behind only the wizard of fielding that is Derek Jeter.

And why are they so terrible on the field?  Their owner, Jeff Loria, is working on single-handedly killing his second franchise now, after  wrecking everything that was good and pure about baseball in Montreal.  Jeff must have some blackmail-worthy pictures of  Bud Selig (sick) because, after murdering the Expos, Bud decided to give him another chance to suck the life out of a fan base when he gave him the Marlins.  And Jeff is doing a pretty bang up job.  So far, he’s sold off every player that has come through the system that has any remote value as soon as they are able to ask for more money.  And he’s doing his best to eradicate any good will the team might have by demanding that a new stadium be built by the taxpayers.  Just awesome leadership there.  But there is one reason to come to the game – you can get one of these cute little Marlins plush bear.  That will make up for it.

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Final Prediction:  The Fish have some good building blocks for the future, but their “frugal” owner is just going to ship off the best parts anyway. So due to the less than passionate support they will receive, the Marlins will again finish right around .500 and in the middle of the pack in the NL East.

Why They Are going to Suck – Braves Edition

March 9, 2009

Hello everyone.  I’m Oil Can McDuck and I’m the new guy around here.  As such, I get tasked with the unfun job of previewing some of the most worthless teams during our preseason trip around the league.  In this case, its the Braves.

Let’s start with Ted Turner, the Braves’ media tycoon (his actual occupation listed on Wikipedia) former owner.  Ted started putting the Braves on TV back in day becauted_turner_lf1se he had nothing else to put on his dumb station, and started calling them “America’s Team.” Ted, I’m not sure if you know this but, the only reason people watched them back then is because it was the only baseball on most of the time, not because they were good or anyone actually liked them.  Fun Fact: Ted also created Captain Planet and the Planeteers, so we have him to blame for all those commie-liberal-freak-environmentalists out there who got their start watching a guy with a green mullet in spandex.  Their best pitcher, Tim Hudson, is on the DL for who knows how long, so the Braves, hoping to compete this year with in stacked NL East, revamped their starting rotation.  And by revamped they mean they addederek-lowe2d a bunch of guys who should be put out to pasture.  Derek Lowe, most prominently known for the Derek Lowe face, and Javier Vasquez, who’s manager last year said “he hasn’t been a big game pitcher, that’s the bottom line,” are classic “innings-eater pitchers”: ones that suck just enough to kill their teams when they need them to pull through.  And, they reacquired Tom Glavine who is now throwing hard enough to dent a grapefruit.  To help out at the plate, they added Garrett Anderson.  There’s not even a joke there; for a team hoping to compete, expecting Garrett to contribute is just sad.  “Abobby-coxmerica’s Team” is led by their sloppy boob of a manager, Bobby Cox who, incidentally, has been thrown out of more games than any manager in history;  even more than Lou Pinella.  How is that even possible?  Com’mon Bobby, show some class and have some sportsmanship.  It’s the least you could do for us when the crap team formerly owned-by Ted keeps getting put on TBS everyday when we could be watching Drumline for the 10th time.
 
Final Prediction: Even with Larry Wayne “Chipper” (seriously? Chipper?) Jones, the Braves will limp to the finish with their elderly/sucky rotation.  80-82 seems about right.