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If Every American Mails Peyton Manning $1, I Think He Might Finally Retire

February 2, 2012

Peyton Coverage = Anti-Eugene

Hey there, friend.  You’re probably wondering what I’m doing right now (8:16 pm PST) I’m currently watching 30 Rock, and Kristin Schaal is guest starring as a new page.  Seeing her reminded me of Bob’s Burgers, a show near and dear to my heart.  One of my favorite actors on that show is Eugene Mirman.  I just love Eugene Mirman!  I think he’s hilarious.  I literally cannot get enough of Eugene Mirman.

My adoration of all things Eugene is the opposite of how I feel about all this Peyton Manning coverage.  In fact, there are many opposites between Eugene Mirman and the Peyton Manning coverage.  This might be easier if I just compile a list of all the opposites that exist between these two.

Eugene Mirman               Peyton Manning Coverage
-Funny                            -Not Funny
-Overweight                    -Not Overweight
-Comedian                      -Not Comedian
-Russian Heritage           -No Russian Heritage

NEED I CONTINUE?

Look, here’s my point.  The media has been speculating on Peyton’s future for a while, but the attention has really ramped up in the past couple of weeks.  It’s incessant.  I really don’t think I need to say anything else because you know what I’m going to say.  Sports media’s obsession with all things Peyton must be put to a stop!

This is why I propose the Peyton Plan: If you, me and Rick Perry combine our efforts, I am convinced that we can persuade every American (even you, infants!) to donate one dollar to Peyton Manning.  This combined value of $312,953,322 should be enough to convince the beleaguered quarterback to hang up his cleats for good and put an end to ESPN’s blather.  Once again we will be able to turn on the TV without fear of hearing about all 22 NFL teams who might take a risk on Peyton Manning next season.

So, dear reader, will you join me in implementing the Peyton Plan? Together, I believe we can make a difference!  We will prevail!

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Are the Mariners Forreal?

August 1, 2010

Dawson weeps for all M's fans

Well, the Seattle Mariners are on their way home from Minneapolis, where they were publicly beaten and humiliated by the Minnesota Twins for three whole days.  It was like a domestic violence case where everybody in the neighborhood knows what goes on behind closed doors (where did she get that black eye?) but nobody wants to get involved.  In today’s game, Francisco Liriano had his way with them for seven innings, racking up 11 K’s.  The M’s left with no dignity, no runs, 2 hits, 2 walks, and FIFTEEN STRIKEOUTS!

It’s no secret that the Mariners have rewritten the definition of “suck” this season.  We rank last in the majors in team batting average, home runs, RBI and hits.  Our bullpen’s ERA is 4.53, good for 12th in the AL.  Just for a frame of reference, last year’s bullpen ERA ranked 3rd in the league.  And unless I’m mistaken, the team’s motto has been officially changed from “Believe Big” to “Only (x) Days Left Until Football Season Starts!”

Let’s recap some other highlights from this season:

  • Felix got tricked into signing a five-year deal (sucker!)
  • Griffey came back for another magical season, only to learn the hard way that people who wear adult diapers are too old to play baseball
  • the team went through DH’s faster than Griffey went through adult diapers
  • Chone Figgins began a four-year-long crime spree, during which he is expected to steal $36 million from the team.  And oh, yeah, HE ATTACKED OUR MANAGER IN THE DUGOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • the M’s acquired Cliff Lee, which, combined with Felix at the top of the rotation, ensured that fans would pay attention to at least 40% of the team’s games (until they traded him away in July)
  • Erik Bedard kept his pulse going at a murmur (I seriously thought he was dead for a while)
  • The team went 6-22 in the month of July.  That is not a misprint.  We won just over 20% of our games.

With so many things going wrong this year, it seems as though choosing one single thing to pick on would be difficult.  Nope, it really isn’t.  The absolute worst part of this team is the hitting, or lack thereof.  My brother summed it up pretty well the other day, when he said, “I’ve forgotten what a good offense looks like.  Whenever the M’s score more than 2 runs in a game, I think something along the lines of, ‘Holy crap, the M’s scored 4 runs today!  That’s SO MANY RUNS!  How could a team ever be fortunate enough to score SO MANY RUNS?’ ”

As silly as that statement might sound, it’s a pretty accurate account of how we all feel about this anemic offense.  And it’s not like the hitters don’t know they suck.  They talk about it all the time, in every post-game interview.  2010 is being called the Year of the Pitcher, but if you were judging by the Mariners’ offense, you might guess that this was the Dead Ball Era.

And how do you think the pitchers feel?  Those poor, accursed souls have to go out there every day and pitch with the full knowledge that if they give up as many as 2 runs over 6 innings, there’s no chance in Hell of them getting the win.  So, as a result, each starting pitcher has the full weight of the team on his shoulders during every single start.  You don’t think this weighs on them over the course of the season?  Look at Doug Fister.  This guy was a real stud at the beginning of the year.  Then he got that “shoulder strain”.  Now, he is but a shell of his former self, unable to look in the mirror, let alone net a quality start.  And Ryan Rowland-Smith?  I loved that guy before the season started!  I expected him to have a Vargas-like year.  Instead, the Thunder from Down Under has struggled to find the zone all season.  He has zero self-confidence when he pitches.  And now some “injury” has pushed him to the 15-day DL.  Are we really buying that story?  Come on.  How much longer can this guy have?  There could be any number of reasons why these two young guns have been struggling, but I find it much easier to simply blame our crappy offense.

So, Seattle Mariners fan, what does this mean for you?  Should you give up on your team altogether?  HELL NO!  Imagine that you’re a typical parent and the Mariners are your teenage son.  He’s been a good kid for most of his life, but he’s always had a little trouble fitting in.  For most of his childhood, he was the kid with the really fun birthday parties!  (In this analogy, birthday parties represent awesome M’s players: Edgar, Griffey, Johnson, etc.)  All the other kids loved going to these birthday parties, but it wasn’t enough to make him one of the cool kids.  So he became bitter and rebelled during his teenage years (2004 season-present), turning to sex, drugs and rock and roll.  Subsequently, his grades quickly slipped and the people who were his friends quit hanging out with him.  Now, as his parent, are you just going to cut your losses and give up on your son when he needs you most?  Of course not!  You’re going to help this confused young man get the help he so desperately needs.  You’ll be there to protect him and tell him that you still love him, despite all the poor choices he has made over the past several years (Sexson, Beltre, Silva, Johjima, etc.).  You’ll look to the future, ever hopeful that he’ll come out of this rut and that you weren’t a total screw-up as a parent.

Most importantly, know this: you are not alone!!! Although it might feel like you’ve been abandoned in a solitary pit of despair, there is an entire fan base of people just like you; good people who are sick of the state of our beloved baseball team!  Now you’re probably saying to yourself, “But what can we do?  We’re just weak, little, insignificant fans!”  Oh, you stupid, stupid person.  Believe it or not, there is one thing we can do to to help ourselves out of this soul-crushing rut.  Just follow these simple instructions, and you’ll be feeling better in no time!

  1. Contort your face into a look of exasperation and hopelessness.
  2. Open your hand and extend it in front of you, palm facing toward you.
  3. Gently lay your hand across your face.

Congratulations, you have just completed the facepalm!  With enough practice, you will be facepalming like a pro in as little as one week.*

*Please note: the facepalm will not help the Seattle Mariners attain a winning record, nor will it get them any closer to the playoffs.

Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of the USS-Enterprise and inventor of the facepalm

Tuesday Morning Dude Ranch

September 22, 2009

Bruno Football

Welcome to the first ever Tuesday Morning Dude Ranch!  Ok, so it isn’t really the morning any more, but bear with me.  I had a lot of things to get done this morning.  (Like watching last night’s season premiere of Heroes.  CRAZY!)  As the title suggests, this is my completely homo heterosexual analysis of this week’s five hottest guys in the NFL (concerning their on-field performance, of course).  LET THE ANALYZING COMMENCE!

5. Drew Brees, QB, New Orleans Saints
Generally, I like any player or team who stuffs it down the throats of a team from Philadelphia.  This is due in large part to my undying hatred of all things Philly.  However, the primary reason Drew Brees stands out this week is becuase he is currently carrying my fantasy team.  This hunk of a man lit up the crappy Eagles D for 311 yards and 3 touchdowns.  Thanks for the 22 fantasy points, Drew!  You’re my hero!  I would like to add that shortly after this game, I dropped the crappy Eagles D from my other fantasy team.  Now it’s Falcons D all the way, baby!  (Until they let me down.)

4. Ronnie Brown, RB/QB/Manager/Cheerleader, Miami Dolphins
This guy came out on Monday night with a lot to prove, since the Dolphins’ entire Wildcat offense hinges on his superhuman abilities.  How did he perform?  Oh, he only led his team to a thorough stomping of the Indianapo- wait, what was that?  The Colts did win?!  Crap.  Well, nevertheless, Ronnie Brown’s sexy one-man-show pretty much destroyed a strong Colts defense.  In other words, Brown had 24 rushes for 136 yds and 2 touchdowns in what has been described as a gimmicky offense.  And I’m pretty sure he played about half of the positions on the field at some point in the game.  Including cheerleader.  What a man!  Now, if only they would legalize the A-11…

3. Matt Schaub, QB, Houston Texans
On Sunday, Schaub put on what can only be described as an adorable performance against the Tennessee Titans, throwing for 357 yards and 4 TDs.  I have been in love with this guy since he was Michael Vick’s backup in Hotlanta.  Who’s laughing now, Vick?  His team now stands at 1-1 atop the Buttercup Division of the Magical Fairies Confrence, which are two things that I just made up.

2.  Dallas Clark, TE, Indianapolis Colts
As he demonstrated on the first play of the game, Dallas Clark was just too hot and sweaty for the Miami defense to handle.  Clark burst forth for 183 receiving yards and his massive 80 yard touchdown.  After watching his massive awesomeness, it is easy to see why his teammates* have described him as the “big, cuddly teddy bear of the NFL”.

And the Stud Muffin of the Week (patent pending) is…..
Chris Johnson, RB, Tennessee Titans
Johnson’s stellar performance had the ladies swooning and me pooping my pants in sheer wonder.  He trampled the Texans for 197 yards and two touchdowns, but it just wasn’t enough (see Matt Schaub’s fabulous performance above).  However, he still looked gorgeous on the field as he averaged 12.3 yards per carry.

Hot College Talent of the Week: Jake Locker, QB/Savior, Washington Huskies
While he didn’t put up stellar numbers for the #24 ranked (seriously?  24th already?!) Huskies team, Locker did everything else in the greatest upset in the history of anything, ever, as UW layed the smackdown on USC.  Locker looked like a man and a half as he calmly but deliberately led the hometown favorite down the field, drive after drive.  Also, I heard he delivered twins in an emergency C-Section during halftime.  Tim Tebow who?  Immediatley after the game, Locker was elected mayor of Seattle and solved the world’s clean water problem.  Also, he can cure a person’s cancer just by spitting in their face.

Big Mean Jerk of the Week: Frank Gore, Douchy RB, San Francisco 49ers
What a fat jerkwad.  This big bully ran for 207 yards against my beloved Seattle Seahawks.  At one point, I legitimately thought he was gonna exceed the 300 yard mark.  Every time he got the ball, the 49ers’ offensive line opened up lanes wide enough to drive an aircraft carrier through.  SIDEWAYS!  Man, I hate that big ugly jerk with his rippling abs and his bulging muscular arms and his… er, I mean, Frank Gore sucks.

Well, I hope you enjoyed my little foray through the hottest dudes the NFL has to offer.  See you next week!

*Dallas Clark’s teammates = me

Why They are Going to Suck – Cubs Edition

April 8, 2009

steve-bartman

Oh, Chicago Cubs, why must you perennially disappoint us year after year?  For shame, Chicago Cubs!  You haven’t won the World Series since 1908.  And people say Seattle sports teams suck!  Since 1984, the Cubbies have made the playoffs six times.  I can almost count that high on one hand!  And there are some people who can count to six on one hand! (Like Count Rugen from The Princess Bride.)  I wonder what the advantages to having six fingers would be.  You know, besides the obvious stuff, like having a great conversation starter which you could use to meet hot babes at “da’ club”.  But I digress.  Like I was saying, the Cubs have built a pretty strong and reliable reputation for letting their fans down.  Granted, the team has made massive strides toward redeeming themselves, especially in the past two seasons.  However, none of that will matter in 2009, when everything will go to Hell in a hand basket once again.

The reason for the Cubs’ inevitable collapse?  The names of their players.  The Cubs’ roster is filled with headache-enducing names, featuring players like Geovany Soto* and Michael Eugene Fontenot.  Other strange-but-true names include Joey Gathright, Ted Lilly (Lilly is either (1) a girl’s name, or (2) the name of a flower.  Talk about a no-win situation), Kosuke Fukudome (I don’t even know how to make a joke about his name without using the f-word), and Alfonso Soriano.

Finally, there’s the Cubs’ backup first baseman, Michah Hoffpauir.  Yes, that is the correct spelling.  I think I know what happened here.  Moments after Michah’s birth, the doctor asked his mother what her son was to be named.  Unfortunately, Michah’s momma had a postpartum seizure, and the incoherent babbling that emerged from her foaming mouth sounded something like “Michah Hoffpauir”.  Ever since then, poor Michah has been the target of many, many postpartum seizure baby jokes.

Right now, you’re probably thinking, “You’re right, Double L!  What a bunch of weirdos!  But why will the players’ names make them bad at baseball?”  Please, allow me to explain.  With so many unusual and unconventional names plaguing the roster, the players will have a very hard time pronouncing (or even remembering!) each others’ names.  How good can your team be if you can’t even remember what the guy standing next to you in the field is called?  The players will be so distracted by their teammates’ confusing names, they won’t be able to focus when the game is on the line.  I also envision many frustrated locker room interactions, like the one where Ted Lilly criticizes Fukudome and in the process accidentally drops an F-bomb.  This irks the easily-irkable Luis Vizcaino, who throws a punch at Aramis Ramirez, starting a clubhouse brawl that is broken up by pitching coach Larry Rothschild.  You can see how things might get a little wild and crazy, all because the stupid players can’t decide to change their names to something a little more manageable, like John Smith.

Final Prediction: Despite having a lineup full of CRAZY names, the Cubs of Chicago will overcome adversity and will reach the All-Star break with the best record in baseball (largely due to the absurd amount of talent on their team).  Even better, the team will be on pace to win a record 137 games!  HOORAY!!!  However, sometime in mid-August, the inevitable will occur.  The team will be flying to the west coast for a matchup against the San Diego Padres when the team’s pilot will make a light-hearted joke about Milton Bradley, incuring the wrath of the most psychotic player in MLB.  In a blind fury, Bradley will storm the cockpit and kill both pilots, sending the plane careening into a field where the whole team will die in a fiery crash.  Naturally, Steve Bartman will shoulder most of the blame.  The team will end the season with a record of 99-18.

Wow, that was a pretty depressing prediction.  Aaaaaanyway, here’s an absolutely hilarious video of Lou Pinella getting ejected.  Hopefully this will cheer you up.

*For your convenience, all the funny-sounding parts of the players’ names have been presented in bold font.  You’re welcome.

Why They are Going to Suck – Reds Edition

March 31, 2009

reds-suck

These are tough times for Cincinnatins (Cincinnatians?  Cincinnationites?), and I’m not speaking in terms of the economy.  I’m talking about the abysmal, pitiful Reds.  They are surely going to be a joke this season.  And not a very funny joke at that.  And this is why.

Let’s start with their bats.  I know I spent a lot of time bashing Adam Dunn on my post about the Nationals, but even someone as bad as him looks like a superstar when compared to the clowns on the Reds’ current lineup.  When I looked at the Reds’ 40-man roster, the name that jumped out to me above all others is Cincy’s fourth-string outfielder, Jacque Jones.  After a moment of pondering, I thought, “Is that the same Jacque Jones that played next to Torii Hunter for the Twins?  Whatever happened to that guy?  Didn’t he used to be pretty good?  Is Jacque a French name?”  The answer to those questions are yes, he became a bigger bust than Andruw Jones, yes, and yes (it’s a derivitive of the French name Jacques, like Jacques Cousteau).  jacque-jonesAs it turns out, Jacque, or J.J. as I like to call him, batted .142 in 42 games for the Marlins and Tigers last season, and BOTH teams designated him for assignment.  Wowzers.  Even Brad Wilkerson has had an easier time staying in the Major Leagues.  And Brad Wilkerson is no Andruw Jones, who can still make $14 million while falling short of EVERYONE’S expectations (including his wife’s, if you catch my drift).

Aaaaaaanyway, let’s move onto the pitching.  Aaron Harang is currently listed as the Reds’ opening-day starter.  That is the same Aaron Harang that went 6-17 last season.  Clearly, he’s due for a turnaround, which is the theory that the Reds’ front-office gurus are clearly leaning on.  While it’s not completely retarded to have a pitcher this bad as your ace, what is retarded is having Harang ahead of Edison Volquez, the young phenom who went 17-6 last season and represents about 46% of the team’s talent.  Seriously?!  For shame, Reds’ front-office guys!  You make Bill Bavasi look like Will Hunting (SUCH a great movie).  On the bright side, they DID sign Arthur Rhodes.  I’ve always loved Arthur, with his diamond stud earrings and his fiery temper.  And the Reds must be ecstatic that they get to experience the joy of Rhodes’ 40th birthday at the end of the season!  Be sure to blow out all the candles, old man!  Last season, Rhodes had a 2.04 ERA in 35.1 innings, a stellar season for a man of his age.  This means that we can assume that either (a) he was juicing last season, and will suck this year, or (b) he left all his talent in Seattle, and will suck this year.

Final Prediction: the Reds will continue to suck in unbelievable fashion, posting a 76-86 record.  And Arthur Rhodes, aka Old Man Winter, will unfortunately get killed in a brawl shortly after the All-Star break.

Why They are Going to Suck – Orioles Edition

March 17, 2009

orioles-turkey

When you think of the storied past of the AL East, what is the first great team that comes to mind?  If you’re a true baseball fan, you obviously imagine the unstoppable dynasty that is the Baltimore Orioles.

Wait a minute — did I really just say that?!  I apologize for that ridiculous statement!  OF COURSE the Orioles aren’t the first AL East dynasty that comes to mind!  (The Blue Jays are.)  I must have temporarily forgotten how much the O’s suck.  You’ll have to forgive me.  The Orioles have always sucked, and they always will suck.  And believe you me, 2009 will be no exception.

First, let’s take a look at the Orioles’ top players, Aubrey Huff and Melvin Mora.  Melvin and Aubrey?  That sounds like the failed sequel to Mork and Mindy.

When your power hitter is named after a girl and your fleet-footed third baseman sounds like the nerd in a ’60s sitcom, you know you’re in trouble.  Furthermore (or is that “furthermora“?), Mel is currently nursing a sore hamstring and was forced to sit out of Venezuela’s most recent game in the WBC.  Could this hamstring problem spell disaster for the Orioles this season?

It doesn’t really matter, because they’ll still suck either way.  Let’s look at their starting pitching rotation.  Their ace, Jeremy Guthrie, was 10-12 last season.  Granted, as a Mariners fan, I don’t have much of a leg to stand on, but come on!  At least people have heard of the M’s starting five.  The Orioles have Guthrie, newcomer Koji Uehara (who has a strained hamstring), Rich Hill (career 18-17 record), Adam Eaton (4-8, 5.80 ERA in 2008), and Danys Baez (31-43, missed 2008 season with an injury).  Needless to say, that is quite the conglomerate of future Hall-of-Famers.

What a crappy guy

I should give credit where credit is due.  They do have these two really awesome players, George Sherrill and Adam Jones.  Sherrill is one of the top 3 closers in the league, and Jones is a definite future All Star.  Hang on a second… why do those names sound so familiar?  Oh yeah!  Those are the two great players we traded for the poopy jerkface dud that is Erik Bedard!

Final prediction: The miserable O’s of Baltimore will finish 70-92, last in America’s favorite division, the A.L. East.  At least they’ll have a better season than their nearby N.L. affiliate, the Washington Nationals.  Not that it would be a huge accomplishment.

Why They are Going to Suck – Nationals Edition

March 10, 2009

nationals-suck

Howdy, y’all!  I’m Double L, formerly known as “didhejustsayfunkybuttloving”.  Yeah, that nickname wasn’t really doing it for me anymore (and my mother was none too fond of it), so I decided to mix things up a little.  But I’m not here to talk about me.  I’m here to rip on the Nationals!

Ugh… I don’t even know where to start.  The Nationals remind me of an episode of the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson that aired a couple of years ago, at about the time Britney Spears completely lost it and shaved her head.  Ferguson, in his handsome Scottish brogue, said that he couldn’t bring himself to make fun of Spears becasue he would have felt too bad.  He added that he would never make fun of anyone who couldn’t defend themselves.  His pity for her was greater than his desire to make fun of the poor, borderline-psychotic girl.  I wish I felt the same way about the Nationals.  Unlike Mr. Ferguson, I have no sense of moral values whatsoever, so watch in wonder as I craftily tear apart this garbage heap of a team.

Adam at the Bat?

Adam at the Bat?

I don’t think I have much to say about the players themselves.  The team made a big move this offseason by picking up Adam Dunn, who will surely turn the Nats into NL contenders… for the lowest team batting average.  The guys is a lifetime .247 hitter, and has averaged a whopping 180 strikeouts per season.  That would be a solid K’s average for a starting pitcher, but not necessarily for a starting first baseman.  Granted, he has averaged 40 home runs a season throughout his career, but those monster home runs will become significantly less valuable when the Nationals can’t get any runners on base for Dunn to drive in.  Whenever I consider Dunn’s homer-to-strikeout ratio, I can’t help but think of Casey at the Bat.  In fact, if you put a handlebar mustache on Dunn, you can see a striking resemblance to Mighty Casey.

Screech: WTF?

And then there’s the retarded new mascot, Screech.  The only thing dumber than this is the lowly Oklahoma City Thunder mascot, Rumble the Bison.  I mean, the goal of any mascot is to either (a) incite fear into the hearts of the other team, or (b) appeal to its team’s fanbase.  Unfortunately, Screech fulfills neither of these two roles, and is destined to simply bring shame and embarrassment to our nation’s capitol.  Honestly, Screech Powers (Saved by the Bell, anyone?) would have been a better mascot than this annoyance of a baby owl thing.

Final Prediction: Despite the historic acquisition of Adam “When Will He Ever Be” Dunn, the Nats will finish last in the NL East with a record of 60-102 (a half-game better than they finished last season; I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt here).

Putz Ain’t No Putz No More

August 6, 2008

I’m not shocking anyone at this point to say that the Mariners’ season is currently in a King County Waste Management septic treatment facility.  That is, their season went straight down the pooper before the summer even came to Seattle (which occurred in early July).  But something occurred the other day that sparked my interest.  It was something that I hadn’t seen in a long time, and I wasn’t sure whether or not I could belive what I was seeing. 

‘Twas the eve of August the 3rd, and after 6 and 2/3 mediocre innings from Carlos “Greased Lightning” (Or is it Greasy Thunder?) Silva, the Mariners made a crucial call to the ‘pen.  Normally, one would expect a middle reliever to come jogging out of left field, but lo and behold, here came JJ Putz of all people!  Putz threw 1.1 innings of solid relief, allowing one hit before giving way to phenom Brandon Morrow to seal the win.  While Putz’s stuff wasn’t exactly remarkable, it was the first time in a long while that he looked like he was actually in control on the mound, rather than being at the mercy of Joe Blow standing at the plate, which is how us Seattleites have grown accustomed to seeing him.  After the game, Putz said that he hadn’t felt that good since mid-March.  I originally thought, “surely Putz’s success must be a fluke”!  However, much to my surprise, Putz came out and gave another solid 1.1 innings last night!  While he allowed both inherited runners to score in the bottom of the 8th, he was able to keep the Twins at bay as he picked up the save.  Again, his stuff wasn’t spectacular, but he had the commanding mound presence that he had been missing since he became plagued with injuries in April. 

Putz’s triumphant return to the closer’s role (albiet a small triumph) is fantastic news for the Mariners, as this will allow the team to start preparing Morrow to become a starter, something they should have done loooong ago (something else they should have done long ago is not trade George Sherrill, who has been a dominant closer for the Orioles this season).  There is no doubt that Morrow will be welcomed into the starting rotation with open arms.  Suffice it to say that few of the Mariners’ starters (Batista, Silva, and crybaby Bedard) have had less than stellar seasons, especially considering that each of them is getting paid half of Canada’s gross national product ($1.18 trillion, for those of you who were wondering).  

Of course, we all know that as soon as Seattle’s starting pitching issues are taken care of, something tragic will happen to the offense, like Ichiro, Lopez, Clement, and Betancourt will all get shot in a drug-related gang war.  It’s the inevitable tragedy of the Mariners; that as soon as one piece of the puzzle gets fixed, another piece shoots itself in the foot.  But hey, that’s how we roll here in the Emerald City.

Oh, Happy Day!

July 10, 2008

After waking up this morning at 6 a.m. to put out signs for the Bellevue Market (go to it, all you eastsiders; it’s at First Presbyterian Church of Bellevue from 3-7!), I peered through my tired eyes and looked at the sun-shiney day in front of me and thought, “it’s going to be a glorious day”.  I couldn’t have been more correct.  In what has otherwise been a very bleak month for Seattle sports fans, some great news arrived at all our doorsteps this morning as the Seattle Mariners officially released the all-around abomination known as Richie Sexson.

Now, we all know that this is a move the front-office goons should have made at least a year ago, but hey, better late than never, right?  Sexson has been a serious contender for world’s greatest choke artist for a while now, and the amount of undeserved money the Mariners have paid him is almost criminal.  This act of the Mariners finally releasing him should serve as the final coup de grâce for his career.  By the way, for those of you wondering what coup de grâce means, it is French for “a deathblow of mercy to end the suffering of one who is mortally wounded”.  Trust me.  Wikipedia never lies. 

But hey, let’s keep in mind that Sexson being released isn’t all good news for the M’s.  First of all, now the Mariners have virtually no chance of having the Mendoza Line renamed in honor of one of their players.  Additionally, now that Big Bad Richie is gone, who is gonna charge the mound after getting a little chin music?  We all have to admit, it was pretty funny to watch him throw his helmet at Kason Gabbard.

Anyway, Seattleites will always remember July 10th as being the date in which the Mariners finally released the leech of their program, Richie “Free-Swinging” Sexson.  This move is a reassuring sign that he head honchos of the Mariners organization finally know what they’re doing.  Keep in mind that Bavasi’s bright idea had been to wait to release Sexson until a suitable replacement became available in free agency, which most baseball enthusiasts agree is an obsolete system.  To all Mariners fans, I hope that you wil join me in parading down to Seattle, finding GM Lee Pelekoudas, hoisting him upon our shoulders, and buying him a drink. 

As for Sexson, all I can say is that he had to have known the time had come to call it quits.  I mean, being replaced in the lineup by Miguel Cairo is a pretty good indicator that things aren’t working out too well for ya, Richie baby.  I just hope that you’ll take your cool 50 million clams (that’s the cool way of saying “$50 million), finding a nice place to settle down that’s far away from any other human life (I suggest the moon), and shunning yourself from the rest of civilization.  You might as well shun mankind, because mankind will surely shun you for the rest of your pathetic little life. 

In other news, my boy R.A. Dickey is getting the ball tonight.  YES!  He’s always fun to watch.  That’s all I got for ya, folks.  Now go check out deadspin.com or something.

Aussie Aussie Aussie! Oi Oi Oi!

July 1, 2008

Late last night, the Mariners moved starter Felix Hernandez to the 15-day DL after he was viciously attacked by Carlos Beltran, the stupid jerk who plays for the New York Mets.  While my first instinct to this news was somber, I realized that the move effectively did nothing, since Hernandez wasn’t expected to pitch tonight anyway.  The only reason for moving him to the 15-day DL was to make the M’s front office appear smart, which I fully support.  You see, the move to the 15-day DL was retroactive June 24, meaning Hernandez will be eligible to pitch as early as July 8th.  Since we all knew that he wouldn’t pitch until then anyway, moving him to the DL essentially was a formal way of announcing that no change had been made to his road to recovery.  Big whoop.

However, something exciting has unraveled itself amidst all of this formal mumble-jumble!  Starting in Hernandez’s place tonight is none other than long-reliever/wunderkind Ryan Rowland-Smith!!  I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve always loved this guy.  He has a wicked curveball that’s eerily reminiscent of Barry Zito (before he sucked out loud), and he’s been a consistent force out of the bullpen for the M’s.  This season, the bespectacled southpaw from down under has been very effective outta the ‘pen, harnessing a 2.66 ERA while working on an impressive 1.17 WHIP.  And let’s be honest: we don’t have a relief pitcher better suited for this start than Rowland-Smith.  I mean, sure, Brandon Morrow probably has the stuff to be a great starter, but the M’s are fully aware that the baseball gods will surely strike down Jarrod Washburn with a bolt of lightning within the next couple of weeks, which means that Morrow will need to fill in at that time.  And Rowland-Smith has said that he will take this start seriously, as it will be his first big league start.  I am excited to see what he can do tonight.

As you can tell, I am struggling to find things to say in this post, so I will now conclude it by providing Rowland-Smith with some sound advice that my mother always gave me as I got ready to go to high school each morning: “Remember, you’re the smartest, most handsome boy out there, no matter what the other kids say.  I love you, sweetie!”  And Ryan, if you were here, I would give you a big, wet kiss on the cheek, just as my mother always gave me as I headed off to school.