Why They Are Going to Suck – Brewers Edition

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Next up in the aggravatingly boring National League Central is the team formerly known as the Seattle Pilots.  Many of you already know this, but in 1969 Bud Selig “acquired in bankruptcy court” (meaning stole from a poor soul who was having trouble making ends meet) Seattle’s Major League Baseball franchise and promptly moved them to Milwaukee.  Bud then changed the name to the Brewers to better take advantage of the city’s rich cultural history of beer brewers and drinkers.  He used Milwaukeeians’ love for beer in the same way he used players love for being the best and cheating to get there, to make more money.  More than 40 years later, he claimed that he had done all he could to rid baseball of steroids when it was in MLB’s financial interest to let Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa “save” baseball after the ’94 strike.  You can see the slight conflict of interest there.  While Bud is no longer the owner of the Brewers, let be known that it was in Milwaukee where he began his conniving ways. 

sausage-raceMilwaukee is doing it’s best to challenge Miami as the fattest city in the nation.  Not only do the people of Milwaukee enjoy a cool refreshing beer, one of their most beloved events is the between-inning sausage race around Miller Park.  What better way to promote good health than to watch 5 people dressed up as types of meat run around, trying not to fall down.  Fun fact: after every Brewer home run, their mascot, Bernie Brewer slides a yellow plastic slide.  He could just take the stairs but he’s too hefty for that, too much of a work out.  And which Brewers player led the team in home runs last year? Prince Fielder, who is not a small man but is a big fan of donuts.  prince_fielderMilwaukee certainly has an attraction to great, big fat people.

Last year, the Brewers made the playoffs for the first time since 1982, but it’s going to be a rough summer this time around.  They should be decent offensively, if Prince can stop drooling over those delectable pastries, but their rotation is going to be terrible.  Their top two pitchers from the end of last year, CC Sabathia and Ben Sheets, are no longer with the team.  After Yovani Gallardo, they have Dave Bush, Jeff Suppan and Braden Looper.  Ouch.  They seem to have an affinity for Cardinals’ cast offs.  Let’s hope they don’t sign Jeff Weaver anytime soon. 

brewers-mascotFinal prediction:  Nothing is going to save the team from this terrible rotation which, in turn, will drive the Milwaukee faithful to drink even more.  But, Brewer Fans, the Brew Crew will hit a lot of home runs, so get used to seeing this guy in your drunken stupor.

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One Response to “Why They Are Going to Suck – Brewers Edition”

  1. Todd Says:

    Haha you should have named this article “Why Oil Can McDuck sucks at predicting outcomes…”

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