I’m not quite sure what to say about the St. Louis Cardinals. They don’t have any of the normal reasons that we have listed for why they are going to suck. Their fan-base is pretty supportive without being overly rabid, like the fans of the Yankees or Redsox. They have a pretty good stadium, unlike the pitiful Marlins. They aren’t even owned by Anheuser-Busch anymore and this owner, Bill DeWitt, is relatively uncrazy and hands-off while providing a decent payroll. The Cards are mostly just boring. How many people even know that they have the second most World Series Championships? So, for this edition of why they are going to suck I’m going to have to focus on the players and coaches.
Let’s start with Tony La Russa. Known to be somewhat surrly, Tony has run at least a few players out of town, most notably allstar third baseman Scott Rollen. Fun Fact: Tony recieved his law degree from Florida State University prior to becoming a manager. I guess some of those whiny players can’t handle what I am sure are his logical and reasoned criticisms of their play. They probably aren’t big fans of his dancing ability either; pictured here is his skinamarinkidinkidink.
Tony leads a team of lovable misfits, held together with duct tape and bailing wire. First, we have Albert Pujols, the Cardinals best (and really only) hope for an above average player. And who knows if he can even stay healthy. Due to an elbow injury last year, he was only able to put up a .357/.462/.653 slash line. Al, you are better than that. Suck it up. Behind him, the Cardinals offense will be legitimately terrible. Troy Glaus will be out for an indeterminate amount of time so they are screwed at third base. Some guy named Skip is playing second, and they have Rick Ankiel, a pitcher, starting in center field. He was so bad on the mound that he once threw 5 wild pitches in one inning. And he’s not even the worse pitcher on the team. Joel Pinero is the Cardinals number two starter and their 4th highest paid player! The fact that he is making 5.5 million a year makes me want to punch something. Added to that, their best pitcher is Chris Carpenter, who hasn’t pitched in two years. This guy is about as reliable as me when it comes to getting my posts up on time.
Final Prediction: All of their best players are either hurt, are coming off injury or they suck, which never a good recipe if you want to win. On top of that, their manager is a loony who dances on the field and everything else about them is boring. They even had to sample another song for their theme song. I think the Cards are going to struggle again this year with injuries and suckiness and finish 78-84.