Why They are Going to Suck – Astros Edition

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astros2

                 There I was, completely ready to drop a magnanimous sneak-peek of the mighty Houston Astros, when I stumbled upon a foreboding thought stream widely ignored by the mainstream fascist baseball media (that’s you John Kruk!…..fatty). So, I’m perusing the 40-man roster, seeing great names ranging from Lance “The Big Puma” Berkman to young up-and-comer Doug Brocail…..when all of a sudden I stumbled onto the edge of the rabbit hole of baseball cognizance…..the Houston Astros play in Houston. The key that unlocked the door to a world of mystery, intrigue, danger, murder, mysterious danger and murderous intrigue, was now in my hands. After a quick Wikipedia search of Houston, I quickly found out that it is in Texas, and arguably the most popular athlete in Houston history is Hakeem “The Dream” Olajuwon. Hakeem was parodied in Kevin Bacon’s career-making movie “Tair_up_therehe Air Up There.” Kevin Bacon, also in the hit movie “Tremors”, played a character named Valentine McKee, and Valentine’s Day is celebrated throughout the world on February 14th. The number 14 is divisible by 7, and newly signed catcher Ivan “Pudge” Rodriguez’s hit total for the 2008 season was 21, which is also divisible by 7. Marco Rodriguez was the key grip on the set of “Tremors 2: Aftershock,” which was an awful movie without the star power of Kevin Bacon. This was the “Aha!” moment of my journey, because for the Astros to even stand a chance against the many powerful foes of the NL Central, they will need the final piece to this whole giant puzzle……a great performance by Kevin Bacon. As it stands currently, Bacon is not on the Astros radar, let alone roster. Because of the infinitely small readership of this blog, paired with a scarcity of creativity in front office leadership from the Astros, chances are this invaluable information will not reach ‘Stros GM Ed Wade in time……but I can’t stress this enough, Ed: Kevin Bacon is your only hope!

kevinbacon

 Final Prediction: After an 86-75 season last year, the Astros didn’t really do anything in the off-season to help themselves. This does not bode well for this year’s team, and chances are they will struggle to get to 80 wins. I have them finishing 80-82, and fourth in the NL Central.

 SWEET BERRY WINE

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