Navigating the murky waters and hiking the muddy trails of baseball analysis has led me to a veritable treasure trove of insight into the upcoming season for the Boston Red Sox. If watching this years NCAA basketball tournament has taught us anything – and it has – it would be these two concrete, somewhat baseball-related truths: 1) the Pacific Life whale hip-hop fight song is without a doubt the coolest thing ever, and should be sampled into all past, current, and future songs of any genre; and 2) Dustin Pedroia cannot hit a high inside pitch to save his life…..and he is very self conscious about it. As a master of baseball prediction, I can safely say this single thing will ruin the Red Sox season – it will be their Achilles heel, if you will……and you will. For those unfamiliar with the depth of meticulous research that goes in to discovering such a fatal flaw, let me tell you, I’m sure it’s painstakingly brutal…..but for true masters of the baseball prediction all we need to do is watch MLB The Show 2009 for the Playstation 3 commercial. Having seen said commercial roughly 2600 times over the course of the first and second round games of the NCAA tourney, Pedroia’s obvious super-flaw of not being able to handle a pitch that is up and in has been pounded into my brain with all the subtlety of an elephant driving a bulldozer. How does this translate into why the Red Sox are going to suck? Patience my friend…..sometimes the journey is more important than the destination. (Write that down.) This glaring failing of Pedroias is only exacerbated by his constant prompting to remember he was the AL MVP; we get it….you had a great season….but if opposing teams had only pitched you high and tight you would have hit .105 and would be riding the pine pony for the Portland Sea Dogs……which, of course, is every boy’s dream. Assuming that people involved with Major League baseball also watch TV, they will know the secret to turning Dustin Pedroia into some sort of poop-eating super-goat of A-rod proportions by the Red Sox season opener. This alone will be enough to completely tear the Sox apart from the inside and will lead to the inevitable shunning of Pedroia along with his murder at the hands of David Ortiz…..also Kevin Youkilis and Mike Lowell will start dating, then break up due to an irreconcilable argument over who has the cooler beard……which will totally add to the bad vibes in the clubhouse and cause Jacoby Ellsbury’s Sidekick bill to go through the roof because of all the “OMG! AWKWARD!” texts he and Pedroia will exchange.
Final Prediction: There will be plenty of sad women in pink Big Papi jerseys across this great nation of ours. I’ve got the Sox behind both the Rays and the Yankees finishing the year a cool 84-78 which is sure to disappoint all the people sporting Boston gear at your local stadium who couldn’t name a single player from their lineup but have “always loved the Red Sox”.