Powered by perennial Cy Young Award candidate Roy Halladay, most would look at the Jays and think “hey, they could be good this year.” Well, they can’t, and here’s why: they play in Canada. As we all know, Canadians are a cantankerous bunch, with their little beady eyes and their big flapping heads. They put mayo on their hamburgers!!! Who ruins a delicious hamburger like that?!? Canadians, that’s who. I am well aware that 0% of the Jays roster is actually from Canada…..but the Canadian way of life is a disease that permeates into the brains of even the staunchest of Americans. Examples of this Canadian infection are seen throughout the Jays lineup – when he was with St. Louis, once proud American Scott Rolen used to drive a big truck, eat apple pie, drink Budweiser, shoot defenseless animals, and participate in the democratic process. Rolen was seen last week attending parliamentary procedures whilst drinking a Labatt’s Blue and caring about hockey….unbelievable, I know. How does this affect the play of Canada’s baseball pride and joy? We all know baseball is AMERICA’s favorite pastime……so it’s obvious that un-American activities and thoughts would very much adversely affect ones ability to participate in said American pastime. How are you expected to hit a 90 MPH fastball when your head is full of curling stats, fond memories of Guy Lafleur, and last nights moose attack? You can’t be, and this is why the Jays will not be good and can never be good. Now of course, we all remember their 1993 World Series Championship, but it’s a well documented fact that many of the starters for that team actually were injected with an extra dose of “America” to counteract the Canadian contagion before every game. (Note: “America” is now on baseball’s banned substance list, which is why their success was a one time thing.) The current incarnation of the Jays is a talented bunch who are destined to be like every other Jays team and like all Canadians…..very cold, and somewhat French.
Final Prediction: A cure for “Canada” will be discovered in the coming months, but due to clinical trials will be delayed for years; so, the Jays will finish 84-78 and, once again, America Jr. will be left without a title (in the last 15 years) in a legitimate sport.