Why They are Going to Suck – Orioles Edition



When you think of the storied past of the AL East, what is the first great team that comes to mind?  If you’re a true baseball fan, you obviously imagine the unstoppable dynasty that is the Baltimore Orioles.

Wait a minute — did I really just say that?!  I apologize for that ridiculous statement!  OF COURSE the Orioles aren’t the first AL East dynasty that comes to mind!  (The Blue Jays are.)  I must have temporarily forgotten how much the O’s suck.  You’ll have to forgive me.  The Orioles have always sucked, and they always will suck.  And believe you me, 2009 will be no exception.

First, let’s take a look at the Orioles’ top players, Aubrey Huff and Melvin Mora.  Melvin and Aubrey?  That sounds like the failed sequel to Mork and Mindy.

When your power hitter is named after a girl and your fleet-footed third baseman sounds like the nerd in a ’60s sitcom, you know you’re in trouble.  Furthermore (or is that “furthermora“?), Mel is currently nursing a sore hamstring and was forced to sit out of Venezuela’s most recent game in the WBC.  Could this hamstring problem spell disaster for the Orioles this season?

It doesn’t really matter, because they’ll still suck either way.  Let’s look at their starting pitching rotation.  Their ace, Jeremy Guthrie, was 10-12 last season.  Granted, as a Mariners fan, I don’t have much of a leg to stand on, but come on!  At least people have heard of the M’s starting five.  The Orioles have Guthrie, newcomer Koji Uehara (who has a strained hamstring), Rich Hill (career 18-17 record), Adam Eaton (4-8, 5.80 ERA in 2008), and Danys Baez (31-43, missed 2008 season with an injury).  Needless to say, that is quite the conglomerate of future Hall-of-Famers.

What a crappy guy

I should give credit where credit is due.  They do have these two really awesome players, George Sherrill and Adam Jones.  Sherrill is one of the top 3 closers in the league, and Jones is a definite future All Star.  Hang on a second… why do those names sound so familiar?  Oh yeah!  Those are the two great players we traded for the poopy jerkface dud that is Erik Bedard!

Final prediction: The miserable O’s of Baltimore will finish 70-92, last in America’s favorite division, the A.L. East.  At least they’ll have a better season than their nearby N.L. affiliate, the Washington Nationals.  Not that it would be a huge accomplishment.


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