Continuing our trip around the League of Ineptitude, our next stop is the Florida Marlins. The Fish play in Dolphins Stadium, perhaps the worst stadium to watch a baseball game that has ever been constructed. Just look at it; it’s ugly and orange and devoid of any personality. You couldn’t pay me to watch a game there and, apparently, Miamians feel the same way because when this picture was taken there was an actual Major League Baseball game taking place. This game between the Marlins and Nats drew 400 people. 400 people! To a regular season game! Seriously. One guy got thrown for heckling the ump. You could hear the namecalling on TV. Fun fact: The Marlins are the first Major League team to have a cheer/dance team. Can you imagine trying to get excited to cheer for a team that is drawing 400 fans? And think about the actual cheering; there would be an echo like the Grand Canyon. Just brutal. The add campaign this year is “It’s where you wanna be,” following the two previous years of “You Gotta Be Here” and “You Gotta Be Here 2008.” I think it’s time for something a little more original, like “Come to a baseball game.” The people of Miami might need a hint as to why they want to be there.
The problem is that the baseball being played isn’t likely to draw anyone, so they might just want to give up. Their starting rotation consists of Ricky Nolasco, Josh Johnson, Chris Volstad, Anibal Sanchez and Andrew Miller. Has anyone besides their moms ever heard of these guys? And the Marlins best player, Hanley Ramirez, might be the second worst defensive shortstop in the majors, behind only the wizard of fielding that is Derek Jeter.
And why are they so terrible on the field? Their owner, Jeff Loria, is working on single-handedly killing his second franchise now, after wrecking everything that was good and pure about baseball in Montreal. Jeff must have some blackmail-worthy pictures of Bud Selig (sick) because, after murdering the Expos, Bud decided to give him another chance to suck the life out of a fan base when he gave him the Marlins. And Jeff is doing a pretty bang up job. So far, he’s sold off every player that has come through the system that has any remote value as soon as they are able to ask for more money. And he’s doing his best to eradicate any good will the team might have by demanding that a new stadium be built by the taxpayers. Just awesome leadership there. But there is one reason to come to the game – you can get one of these cute little Marlins plush bear. That will make up for it.
Final Prediction: The Fish have some good building blocks for the future, but their “frugal” owner is just going to ship off the best parts anyway. So due to the less than passionate support they will receive, the Marlins will again finish right around .500 and in the middle of the pack in the NL East.