Why They are Going to Suck – Mets Edition



In honor of his recent book release, today’s Mets preview is structured in a way as to honor Darryl “can I borrow some coke money?” Strawberry. (Quick side note…his book, “Cash For Gold (Because Drug Dealers Don’t Accept Gold)” is available from Kinko’s Publishing for $39.95…..available where stolen stereos are sold.)

Holla Back Shotay! Its Mets time.

S – Smelly Pirate Hookers: The Mets have them in spades!  Headlining the group of crap-bags is the one and only Jose Bernabe Reyes….could he be any more annoying? With his stupid face and dumb consistently-awesome play….makes me sick.

T – Trades and Acquisitions: The Mets should make more and shouldn’t have made the ones they did. I hate to pick on former Mariners….but the last time the Mets front office saw J.J. Putz was probably at the All-Star game in 2007; just a heads up – he is a substantially different pitcher than he was that ONE year…but hey you got Jeremy Reed in the same deal, so enjoy that.

R – Rivals (as in cross-town rivals): Lets be honest….anyone going to New York is hoping they play for the Yankees; let’s do some role play to prove this point – you be the major leaguer, and I will be your mooching high school buddy who takes care of your house when you go on road trips (and by “takes care” I mean “sleeps on your couch year-round and pretends to be you to impress the ladies”).

You: Hey, I got traded to New York.

Me: That’s awesome, I can’t wait! New Yankee Stadium is sweet!

You: Well, actually I got traded to the Mets.

Me: Oooooohhh…..huh……you know, I’ve always been kinda interested in trying out that whole “sleeping on the street and eating out of garbage cans” thing, so I think I’ll stick around here and pursue that….but you have fun buddy! Welp, see ya around…..[Runs out door.]

A – Aggregate Demand: Sure, guys get paid a fortune to play for the Mets compared to say, playing for the Marlins…but every player entering free agency is really hoping to get paid what he is “really worth.” Unfortunately, there is only one team who can afford to pay delusional baseball players what they are “really worth,” and they play in the same city. This leads to a lot of jealously….it hurts morale a bit when Luis Castillo is riding his Huffy to the ballpark and sees Derek Jeter in a Bentley made of gold.

W – Washed up: Rumor has it, Pedro Martinez has a call in to the Mets just to let them know he is still available…..um yeah, we know. Who else is going to pick you up besides the sucker Mets? There isn’t a doubt in my mind they will throw him some silly amount of money to, once again, be on the DL for an entire season.

B – Baseball: They just plain can’t play it….especially in August and September….but hey, they have a bunch of April to July NL East titles…so they’ve got that going for them.


E – Elaine Benes: Baltimore Orioles fan and noted Yankees/Mets hater. I’m not quite sure how anyone could play with her wearing her Orioles hat and heckling the crap out of you during interleague play. Good luck with that, David Wright…..she’s in your head.

R – Riding the Subway: Sure, mass transit is cool and helpful for us poor people, but when A-Rod teleports from Scores to New Yankee Stadium daily and you sit in bum pee every morning on your 5 hour trip to Citi Field, chances of you bringing your a-game are slim; in fact, many Mets players attribute their epic meltdown in 2007 to having to ride the subway with regular people.

R – Randy Newman: Newman is a UCLA graduate just like back-up catcher Brian Schneider (Schneider did not attend UCLA…..but he has heard of it). I think Randy Newman can speak for himself….this is for you Fernando Tatis, Marlon Anderson, Billy Wagner and Pedro Feliciano.

Y – Yarmulkes: Because of New York’s sizable Jewish population, it’s a shame their 40-man roster couldn’t house at least one of God’s chosen people. This is a major road block for Mets marketing types, as they don’t have a Sean Green they can parade around as bait to get more fan support.

Final Prediction: Though the Mets lineup looks good on paper, they are stuck in big brother’s shadow. And of course, Elaine Benes can really make life tough for opposing ball-players, so…..Mets finish 87-75 after being 81-0 at the All-Star break.

Ha! Randy Newman…how delightfully silly.


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