Howdy, y’all! I’m Double L, formerly known as “didhejustsayfunkybuttloving”. Yeah, that nickname wasn’t really doing it for me anymore (and my mother was none too fond of it), so I decided to mix things up a little. But I’m not here to talk about me. I’m here to rip on the Nationals!
Ugh… I don’t even know where to start. The Nationals remind me of an episode of the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson that aired a couple of years ago, at about the time Britney Spears completely lost it and shaved her head. Ferguson, in his handsome Scottish brogue, said that he couldn’t bring himself to make fun of Spears becasue he would have felt too bad. He added that he would never make fun of anyone who couldn’t defend themselves. His pity for her was greater than his desire to make fun of the poor, borderline-psychotic girl. I wish I felt the same way about the Nationals. Unlike Mr. Ferguson, I have no sense of moral values whatsoever, so watch in wonder as I craftily tear apart this garbage heap of a team.
I don’t think I have much to say about the players themselves. The team made a big move this offseason by picking up Adam Dunn, who will surely turn the Nats into NL contenders… for the lowest team batting average. The guys is a lifetime .247 hitter, and has averaged a whopping 180 strikeouts per season. That would be a solid K’s average for a starting pitcher, but not necessarily for a starting first baseman. Granted, he has averaged 40 home runs a season throughout his career, but those monster home runs will become significantly less valuable when the Nationals can’t get any runners on base for Dunn to drive in. Whenever I consider Dunn’s homer-to-strikeout ratio, I can’t help but think of Casey at the Bat. In fact, if you put a handlebar mustache on Dunn, you can see a striking resemblance to Mighty Casey.
And then there’s the retarded new mascot, Screech. The only thing dumber than this is the lowly Oklahoma City Thunder mascot, Rumble the Bison. I mean, the goal of any mascot is to either (a) incite fear into the hearts of the other team, or (b) appeal to its team’s fanbase. Unfortunately, Screech fulfills neither of these two roles, and is destined to simply bring shame and embarrassment to our nation’s capitol. Honestly, Screech Powers (Saved by the Bell, anyone?) would have been a better mascot than this annoyance of a baby owl thing.
Final Prediction: Despite the historic acquisition of Adam “When Will He Ever Be” Dunn, the Nats will finish last in the NL East with a record of 60-102 (a half-game better than they finished last season; I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt here).