I have been up burning the midnight oil to bring you this incredibly late breaking news story……Harold Reynolds is innocent. After some pretty serious investigitative journalism (Google searching) I have put together an iron clad defense for why Harold Reynolds could not be guilty of sexual harassment for which he was fired from ESPN on July 25th 2006. The incident involved a woman at ESPN and a “hug” that was “misinterpreted”. You may be wondering why someone would go back and drudge up all the hurt people suffered over the Roldy firing….it is because I am a pursuer of truth and I will not rest until justice is served. So on to the million dollar question, what is this bullet proof defense? ……drum roll please……….Harold Reynolds was not guilty of sexual Harassment because………..it is physically impossible for a human to not enjoy a hug from Harold Reynolds. That’s right I plan to go in front of a judge and prove beyond a shadow of a doubt the sheer huggability of my client (Mr. Reynolds). “Ladies and gentleman of the jury” I will say “come receive hugs from this man and tell me under oath that you didn’t enjoy it” and they wont be able to do it because some of the side effects of Harold Reynolds’ hugs are excessive smiling, a sense of incredible joy, the inability to tell a lie and loosely defined sexual harassment is “unwanted sexual advances” thus is could not be sexual harassment because all Harold Reynolds’ hugs are wanted by all humans all the time. Which brings me to my final point…..the “woman” in question claimed it was an unwanted hug, well by the definition of “Harold Reynolds Hugs” (as defined by Websters New Words Dictionary) this is an impossibility, so clearly she is not human and is a robot. Her robot brain was clearly overloaded with the human emotion of ‘joy” and since she cannot feel (Johnny 5 is not alive) it fried her mother board and caused her to go into “sexual harassment sequence #5 beep boop boop beep”. This country has never found in favor of a robot…..it is just un-American so in lieu of all this evidence Mr. Reynolds is to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, the rights to all things ESPN, and ummmm make him an honorary Rhodes Scholar too.
When the Stuff and Things legal team attempted to contact Mr. Reynolds to discuss this he was unavailable. Who knew he wouldn’t be listed in the phone book, what a bunch of crap.