Richie Sexson Eats Lightning and He Craps Thunder!

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                     For the Mariners, this season is in the toilet; but, in a pugilistic firestorm, Richie Sexson fished the nutty turd of a season out of the old porcelain bowl….at least for one night. Just when you didn’t think big Richie could be any more stupid, he does something like this…….and totally redeems himself. Sexson came to bat in the bottom of the fourth with two outs when Rangers pitcher Kason Gabbard decided it was a good idea to throw a pitch up and in on the Richster….bad idea. In an act of child-like frustration Richie decided he’d had enough and it was time to light this candle. Charging the mound like a man possessed, big Richie decided the right thing to do was to throw his helmet into Gabbard’s back…..and I couldn’t agree with him more. The rest of the fracas was tame even by baseball standards, but the initial “Helmet Throw Heard Round the World”® (that’s right I trademarked it) was enough to get my (until this point) comatose heart to pulse with testorone-induced joy (and probobaly some blood or something, I’m not quite sure what hearts really even do). I have decided – and don’t you be all “its not even

up to you,” ’cause yea, it is – that this year will now be dedicated to turning Safeco Field, and any stadium the M’s visit, into the circus of all circus’ (circusies?). Here are my top 3 ideas for how to go about this process:

 

Since every Jarrod Washburn start is an inevitable loss anyway, I have

decided he shall pitch highly intoxicated and dressed as the Mariner Moose or a pirate (either way, it should be funny).

 

Since the front office insists on keeping Miguel Cairo on the team, we are going to put him to good use. Since no one knows who he is, Cairo will wear the opposing team’s uniform and will somehow sneak into their starting lineup. He will, of course, play as hard as he can, which will not only give the M’s a better chance to win (he sucks) but

it will also be a good way for him to get some playing time.

 

Ah, and le piece de la resistance (I think that means the best one…which in this  case isn’t even true….I really like the first one…can you imagine Washburn all soused in a pirate costume trying to pitch with a hook hand? Hilarious!)…..It is my decree that if the Mariners have not scored by the fourth inning, the guy with the giant

Beltre head-on-a-stick that’s at every game will take the place of Adrian on the field, and Beltre will head to the stands holding a giant head-on-a-stick of that guy (and the giant head-on-a-stick of that guy is to be holding a smaller version of a Richie Sexson

head-on-a-stick). I figure this will get me through every game, as it is almost a certainty the Mariners won’t score again for the rest of the season.

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