Football Embarrassment Video Thursday/Friday

Classic Phil! Also, possibly the greatest video featuring the line “I like to Ram it as you can see, nobody likes ramming as much as me”.

Cougar Predictions from a Husky Fan

I’m happy to say that my prediction from last week was wrong.  It must have been my rooting for the Cougs that turned the tide.  WSU were able to win in overtime against a terrible SMU team that out gained them 504-276.  How do you give up 504 yards to SMU!? But at least a national crisis of was averted.  There wasn’t any more drinking or daubchery than what normally takes place in Pullman during a cougar game.  And the Cougs got their win for the season.  Yay.

This week, however, I don’t think they will be so lucky.  They travel to southern California to take on a pissed-off USC team.  I’m not sure if you heard about it, but last week USC lost to the Dawgs. Somehow, the Cougs are 8-56-4 against the Trojans.  That’s a .143 winning percentage, folks.  They shouldn’t even play this game.  USC is getting back QB Matt Barkley and most likely All-American saftey Taylor Mays as well, while the Cougs have lost leading rusher James Montgomery for the season.  I’m beginning to think that this just isn’t the Cougs year.  But what year is ever the year of the Coug?  42-3 USC.

Husky Predictions From a Cougar Fan

Just a week removed from giving up close to 500 yards of total offense to mighty Idaho Vandals, the huskies have the good fortune of facing a should-be division 1-AA team from southern California. The predictions that follow are basically fact, as my 6^th sense is the ability to accurately predict husky football outcomes. The substantially less talented huskies will jump out to a quick 7-0 lead, and in a moment of pure coaching genius, coach Sarkisian will attempt an onside kick on the ensuing and recover the ball. With all the USC fans in the house stunned, Jake Locker steps under center ready to hopefully lead the huskies down field for his second touchdown of the day…..Suddenly, the zookeeper who had been using a magnetic force-field to hold back the 7 grizzly bears and 9 tigers he had been neglecting to feed for the last few weeks on the husky sideline dropped his force-field remote, releasing the 16 savage beasts….Have I mentioned that Jake Locker was wearing steak flavored football pants?….no? Well, Jake Locker, in a moment of pre-game poor judgment, went with the steak flavored pants to try and fire up his offensive linemen. With the blood thirsty woodland creatures free to feast and having eyes only for the man in the steak flavored pants, I don’t need to describe what happens next….but I probably should…..Jake takes the snap and notices one of the larger, more rabies-infested bears tearing towards him….he attempts to throw the football at the bear but over throws it by a good 15 yards leaving himself defenseless……and now armless as well. That’s when the rest of the bears and tigers get in on the feast…. Tragic, just tragic…..So, after cleaning up the carnage, the Trojans, who really, Jake Locker or not, will go on to score 112 unanswered points leading to our final score prediction! USC 112 – UW 7.

……..and a nice little treat for the Cougar fans:

SPACE KABOOM!

Cougar Predictions From A Husky Fan

Being a Husky fan, I almost revel in the cougars sucking.  However, at this point I almost feel bad for them.  I mean, this week they are 6 point underdogs to SMU.  To SMU!  This is a team that went 1-11 last year and probably represents the cougs best chance of winning a game this season.  I think at this point if they lose this game, WSU might consider just canceling the rest of the season.  The coaches, players and especially the fans just need a break from all the heartache.  I know cougar fans relish being the loveable losers in the state, but I’m a little worried about what this loss might do to their psyche. Their depression might start spilling over into other areas of their lives and they might start drinking even more and having random sex with even more people, however impossible that might sound.  So, this week, although it goes against all my principles, I will be rooting for the cougars to win, if only to save the world from what might happen if they don’t.  Final score prediction: 28-20 SMU.

Viva La Stuff Andthinglios!!

AWWW yeah! Holy hell, holy hell……..Inconceivably, it seems that we are somewhat back. No, we aren’t going to live-blog Monday Night Football games, because I hate NFL football…… especially when it doesn’t involve my hometown team or my fantasy team doing well (eat my balls, Chargers). But seriously, folks….I think we are back. As big Cougar football fans, we have SO MUCH to look forward to; hope fills our nostrils with its skanky stench (www.firepaulwulff.wordpress.com)……but really – college football seems “neat” this year. (What the hell are you doing Phillip Rivers? I am going to eat your children.) I just can’t wait to see what happens in the PAC-10! Also, PLEASE SHUT UP Steve Young. I think this year will be huge for stuffandthings…..we have diverse writers (3 well-educated and affluent white guys) and better perspective (we are at the same place we were last year, though we are thinking of starting a podcast like every other douche that thinks he has something awesome to say) and more support from friends & family……or something. So, lift up your dresses, grab your sacs, and love the ride….get ready for really crappy coverage of the state of Washington’s dismal sports. (And seriously, Phillip; I will eat your children.)

Why They Are Going to Suck – Brewers Edition

Next up in the aggravatingly boring National League Central is the team formerly known as the Seattle Pilots.  Many of you already know this, but in 1969 Bud Selig “acquired in bankruptcy court” (meaning stole from a poor soul who was having trouble making ends meet) Seattle’s Major League Baseball franchise and promptly moved them to Milwaukee.  Bud then changed the name to the Brewers to better take advantage of the city’s rich cultural history of beer brewers and drinkers.  He used Milwaukeeians’ love for beer in the same way he used players love for being the best and cheating to get there, to make more money.  More than 40 years later, he claimed that he had done all he could to rid baseball of steroids when it was in MLB’s financial interest to let Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa “save” baseball after the ‘94 strike.  You can see the slight conflict of interest there.  While Bud is no longer the owner of the Brewers, let be known that it was in Milwaukee where he began his conniving ways. 

Milwaukee is doing it’s best to challenge Miami as the fattest city in the nation.  Not only do the people of Milwaukee enjoy a cool refreshing beer, one of their most beloved events is the between-inning sausage race around Miller Park.  What better way to promote good health than to watch 5 people dressed up as types of meat run around, trying not to fall down.  Fun fact: after every Brewer home run, their mascot, Bernie Brewer slides a yellow plastic slide.  He could just take the stairs but he’s too hefty for that, too much of a work out.  And which Brewers player led the team in home runs last year? Prince Fielder, who is not a small man but is a big fan of donuts.  Milwaukee certainly has an attraction to great, big fat people.

Last year, the Brewers made the playoffs for the first time since 1982, but it’s going to be a rough summer this time around.  They should be decent offensively, if Prince can stop drooling over those delectable pastries, but their rotation is going to be terrible.  Their top two pitchers from the end of last year, CC Sabathia and Ben Sheets, are no longer with the team.  After Yovani Gallardo, they have Dave Bush, Jeff Suppan and Braden Looper.  Ouch.  They seem to have an affinity for Cardinals’ cast offs.  Let’s hope they don’t sign Jeff Weaver anytime soon. 

Final prediction:  Nothing is going to save the team from this terrible rotation which, in turn, will drive the Milwaukee faithful to drink even more.  But, Brewer Fans, the Brew Crew will hit a lot of home runs, so get used to seeing this guy in your drunken stupor.

MARINERS PREDICTION SHOW…BAPPA BAAA BAAPPPEEE BAAAA

I know it’s hard to tear your eyes away from this glorious t-shirt but below is the Mariners prediction show…..BAPPA BAAA BAAPPAAAAA BAAA. So enjoy, and if you are a participant…do you really think the Mariners are going to be that good? Plbbbbbbbtttttt. So sit back, relax and enjoy some King Felix dishing tonight.

Wins and Losses 

Oil Can McDuck – 78-84

Jackelliotsmustache – 74-88

Double L – 78-84

Curious Case of BJ Upton – 77-85

Gary Old-Man – 71-91

The Jender Bender – 62-100

Ol’ Gibbage – 85-77

Harold Is Back – 85-77

 

Projected Starting Rotation

Oil Can McDuck – Felix, Bedard, Silva, Washburn, Morrow

Jackelliotsmustache – Felix, Bedard, Silva, Washburn, Morrow

Double L – Felix, Bedard, Morrow, Roland-Smith, Silva

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Felix, Bedard, Roland-Smith, Silva, Washburn

Gary Old-Man – Felix, Bedard, Washburn, Morrow, Silva

The Jender Bender –Felix “the cat”, Bedard, Silva, Washburn, Miggy

Ol’ Gibbage – Felix, Bedard, Silva, Morrow, Rowland-Smith (on a side note Washburn is a joke)

Harold Is Back – Felix, Bedard, Washburn, Silva, Roland-Smith

 

All Stars 

Oil Can McDuck – Ichiro, Beltre

Jackelliotsmustache – Ichiro, Beltre

Double L – Ichiro, Felix, Yuni

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Guitierrez

Gary Old-Man – Morrow

The Jender Bender – Ichiro

Ol’ Gibbage – Beltre, Felix, Ichiro, Griffey

Harold Is Back – Felix, Ichiro, Yuni

 

Felix’s Record

Oil Can McDuck – 14-8

Jackelliotsmustache – 16-9

Double L – 16-10

Curious Case of BJ Upton – 13-7

Gary Old-Man – 18-11

The Jender Bender – 11-10

Ol’ Gibbage – 19-9

Harold Is Back – 21-3

 

Griffey’s Line (AVG, HR, RBI)

Oil Can McDuck – .260, 25, 87

Jackelliotsmustache – .245, 26, 80

Double L – .273, 31, 108

Curious Case of BJ Upton – .260, 18, 58

Gary Old-Man – .303, 28, 92

The Jender Bender – .245, 21, 60

Ol’ Gibbage – .278, 28, 90

Harold Is Back – .273, 37, 83

 

Griffey’s Starts in the Outfield

Oil Can McDuck – 10

Jackelliotsmustache – 22

Double L – 16

Curious Case of BJ Upton – 10

Gary Old-Man – 42

The Jender Bender –24

Ol’ Gibbage – 163

Harold Is Back – 20

 

Jose Lopez Opening Day Weight

Oil Can McDuck – 215

Jackelliotsmustache – 210

Double L – 215

Curious Case of BJ Upton – 210

Gary Old-Man – 213

The Jender Bender –215

Ol’ Gibbage – 225

Harold Is Back – 200

 

Everyday Starter to Get Injured First

Oil Can McDuck – Russell Branyan

Jackelliotsmustache – Mike Sweeny

Double L – Johjima

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Washburn

Gary Old-Man – Yuniesky

The Jender Bender – Griffey

Ol’ Gibbage – Hopefully Yuniesky

Harold Is Back – Beltre

 

Team Leader in Wins (and number of)

Oil Can McDuck – Bedard/Felix (14)

Jackelliotsmustache – Felix (16)

Double L – Felix (16)

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Felix (13)

Gary Old-Man – Bedard (20)

The Jender Bender – Felix (11)

Ol’ Gibbage – Felix (19)

Harold Is Back – Felix (21)

 

Team Leader in AVG (and number)

Oil Can McDuck – Ichiro (.332)

Jackelliotsmustache – Ichiro (.335)

Double L – Ichiro (.334)

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Ichiro (.310)

Gary Old-Man – Ichiro (.321)

The Jender Bender –Ichiro (.311)

Ol’ Gibbage – Ichiro (.335)

Harold Is Back – Ichiro (.342)

 

Team Leader in HR (and number of)

Oil Can McDuck – Griffey (25)

Jackelliotsmustache – Beltre (35)

Double L – Griffey (31)

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Beltre (27)

Gary Old-Man – Beltre (35)

The Jender Bender – Beltre (28)

Ol’ Gibbage – Beltre (38)

Harold Is Back – Beltre (30)

 

Team Leader in Hits (and number of)

Oil Can McDuck – Ichiro (215)

Jackelliotsmustache – Ichiro (217)

Double L – Ichiro (231)

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Ichiro (220)

Gary Old-Man – Ichiro (202)

The Jender Bender –Ichiro (200)

Ol’ Gibbage – Ichiro (212)

Harold Is Back – Ichiro (210)

 

Team Leader in RBIs (and number of)

Oil Can McDuck – Beltre (98)

Jackelliotsmustache – Beltre (105)

Double L – Griffey (108)

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Lopez (90)

Gary Old-Man – Beltre (108)

The Jender Bender –Beltre (102)

Ol’ Gibbage – Beltre (128)

Harold Is Back – Griffey (83)

 

Team Leader in Errors (and number of)

Oil Can McDuck – Yuniesky (21)

Jackelliotsmustache – Yuniesky (20)

Double L – Yuniesky (18)

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Yuniesky (15)

Gary Old-Man – Yuniesky (22)

The Jender Bender – Lopez (23)

Ol’ Gibbage – Yuniesky (20)

Harold Is Back – Lopez (15)

 

Month of Griffey’s First Trip to the DL

Oil Can McDuck – June

Jackelliotsmustache – July

Double L – August

Curious Case of BJ Upton – May

Gary Old-Man – June

The Jender Bender –June

Ol’ Gibbage – Not Gonna Happen

Harold Is Back – Not Going to Happen

 

First Mariner Win of the Season (Date, Opponent, and Score)

Oil Can McDuck – April 6^th, Minnesota, 4-1

Jackelliotsmustache – April 6^th, Minnesota, 3-0

Double L – April 6^th, Minnesota, 5-3

Curious Case of BJ Upton – April 6^th, Minnesota, 6-4

Gary Old-Man – April 7^th, Minnesota, 4-3

The Jender Bender –April 8th, Minnesota, 10-7 

Ol’ Gibbage – April 6th, Minnesota, 3-2

Harold Is Back – April 6^th, Minnesota, 5-3

 

Number of Games Where Bedard Goes More Than 5 Innings

Oil Can McDuck – 18

Jackelliotsmustache – 19

Double L – 14

Curious Case of BJ Upton – 12

Gary Old-Man – 15

The Jender Bender –10

Ol’ Gibbage – 20

Harold Is Back – 8

 

Where Clement Will Get Most of His Starts

Oil Can McDuck – Catcher

Jackelliotsmustache – Catcher

Double L – 1B

Curious Case of BJ Upton – DH

Gary Old-Man – Seattle (Cheater! But chances are a winner none the less)

The Jender Bender –Catcher

Ol’ Gibbage – Catcher

Harold Is Back – 1B

 

First Mariner Minor Leaguer to be Called Up

Oil Can McDuck – Garrett Olson (P)

Jackelliotsmustache – Michael Saunders (OF)

Double L – Matt Tuiasisopo

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Chris Shelton

Gary Old-Man – Bryan LaHair

The Jender Bender –Mike Sweeny

Ol’ Gibbage – Matt Tuiasisopo (When Yuni keeps sucking)

Harold Is Back – Freddy Guzman

Closer

Oil Can McDuck – Mark Lowe

Jackelliotsmustache – David Aardsma

Double L –  Mark Lowe

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Mark Lowe

Gary Old-Man – Miguel Batista

The Jender Bender – Mark Lowe

Ol’ Gibbage – Miguel Batista

Harold Is Back – Brandon Morrow

 

Date of Griffey’s First HR

Oil Can McDuck – April 7 vs. Minnesota

Jackelliotsmustache – April 14 vs. Angels

Double L – April 15^th vs. Angels 

Curious Case of BJ Upton – April 18 vs.

Gary Old-Man – April 14 vs Angels

The Jender Bender – April xth, Mineesota (3^rd games)

Ol’ Gibbage – April 14^th vs Angels

Harold Is Back – April 7^th vs. Minnesota

 

AL West Standings

Oil Can McDuck – LA, SEA, OAK, TEX

Jackelliotsmustache – LA, TEX, SEA, OAK

Double L – LA, TEX, OAK, SEA

Curious Case of BJ Upton – LA, TEX, SEA, OAK

Gary Old-Man – LA, OAK, SEA, TEX

The Jender Bender – LA, OAK, TEX, SEA

Ol’ Gibbage – SEA, LA, TEX, OAK

Harold Is Back – LA, SEA, TEX, OAK

 

 

AL MVP

Oil Can McDuck – Miguel Cabrera

Jackelliotsmustache –  Josh Hamilton

Double L – Josh Hamilton

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Evan Longoria

Gary Old-Man – Evan Longoria

The Jender Bender – A-Rod (icky)

Ol’ Gibbage – Josh Hamilton

Harold Is Back – Evan Longoria

 

AL Cy Young

Oil Can McDuck – Roy Halladay

Jackelliotsmustache – 

Double L – C.C. Sabathia

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Roy Halladay

Gary Old-Man – John Lester

The Jender Bender – Matt Garza

Ol’ Gibbage – Felix Hernandez

Harold Is Back – Daisuke Matsuzaka

 

Total At-Bats For Balentin

Oil Can McDuck – 200

Jackelliotsmustache – 235

Double L –  337

Curious Case of BJ Upton – 200

Gary Old-Man – 246

The Jender Bender –100

Ol’ Gibbage – 498

Harold Is Back – 237

Why They Are Going to Suck – Cardinals Edition

I’m not quite sure what to say about the St. Louis Cardinals.   They don’t have any of the normal reasons that we have listed for why they are going to suck.  Their fan-base is pretty supportive without being overly rabid, like the fans of the Yankees or Redsox.  They have a pretty good stadium, unlike the pitiful Marlins.  They aren’t even owned by Anheuser-Busch anymore and this owner, Bill DeWitt, is relatively uncrazy and hands-off while providing a decent payroll.  The Cards are mostly just boring.  How many people even know that they have the second most World Series Championships?  So, for this edition of why they are going to suck I’m going to have to focus on the players and coaches. 

Let’s start with Tony La Russa.  Known to be somewhat surrly, Tony has run at least a few players out of town, most notably allstar third baseman Scott Rollen.  Fun Fact: Tony recieved his law degree from Florida State University prior to becoming a manager.  I guess some of those whiny players can’t handle what I am sure are his logical and reasoned criticisms of their play.  They probably aren’t big fans of his dancing ability either; pictured here is his skinamarinkidinkidink. 

Tony leads a team of lovable misfits, held together with duct tape and bailing wire.  First, we have Albert Pujols, the Cardinals best (and really only) hope for an above average player.  And who knows if he can even stay healthy.  Due to an elbow injury last year, he was only able to put up a .357/.462/.653 slash line.  Al, you are better than that.  Suck it up.  Behind him, the Cardinals offense will be legitimately terrible.  Troy Glaus will be out for an indeterminate amount of time so they are screwed at third base.  Some guy named Skip is playing second, and they have Rick Ankiel, a pitcher, starting in center field.  He was so bad on the mound that he once threw 5 wild pitches in one inning.  And he’s not even the worse pitcher on the team.  Joel Pinero is the Cardinals number two starter and their 4th highest paid player!  The fact that he is making 5.5 million a year makes me want to punch something.  Added to that, their best pitcher is Chris Carpenter, who hasn’t pitched in two years.  This guy is about as reliable as me when it comes to getting my posts up on time. 

Final Prediction:  All of their best players are either hurt,  are coming off injury or they suck, which never a good recipe if you want to win.  On top of that, their manager is a loony who dances on the field and everything else about them is boring.  They even had to sample another song for their theme song.  I think the Cards are going to struggle again this year with injuries and suckiness and finish 78-84. 

Why They Are Going to Suck – Yankees Edition

This year the Yankees have all the hallmarks of collapsing under the weight of their $200 million+ payroll.  Let’s just count the ways they are going to fall on their face this season, shall we?  I don’t really want to talk about A-Rod, but it’s hard to ignore him.  From his steroid use (in the robotic interview where he confessed, he claims to have only taken them during the 2001-2003 seasons…umm, sure…), to his crazy narcisism (just look at the photo shoot from Details magazine), to his dating a “madame”  (apparently, he actually dated a female pimp for about a year) and his current injury issues (he’s expected to miss about a month of the season), he’s just a walking whirlwind of bad PR.  And that is just the stuff that has come out in the last two months.  You don’t think that’s going affect his teammates?  I would beg to differ.  Fun Fact: Alex is hitting .271  with 7 homeruns and 17 RBI in 147 postseason at bats.  He’s not terrible, Yankees fans.  You might want to lay off him a little.  He’s going through a tough time right now and could really use your support. 

Next, let’s talk about the Yankees big free-agent signings.  First, Mark Texieria.  Can you say overrated?  They brought Mark in to replace Jason Giambi at first base.   Jason, along with his truely awesome ’stache, has left for a team that obviously has the resources to pay him what he’s worth: the Oakland A’s.  I’m not sure how the Yankees expect Mark to replace him, especially defensively.  Jason is just a vaccum at first base; nothing could get by that guy.  Mark has some big shoes to fill.  Next is CC Sabathia; there’s absolutely no way he doesn’t get hurt.  In the last 2 years, including the playoffs, he’s thrown 513 innings.  Listed at 290 pounds (yeah right, at this point he’s probably more like 340), it’s amazing he can even walk around, let alone pitch while carrying that child.   His arm has got to be about ready to give out; that or his knees, or his heart.  Last we have AJ Burnett. There is a reason he’s last: he’s a whiney crybaby who will have no effect on the Yankees’ chances this season.  First of all, he will probably get hurt; he’s been on the DL ten times in his nine-year career.  And if he doesn’t get hurt, he won’t be able to handle the presure of pitching in New York.  He’s this year’s Sidney Ponson, only at 13.2 times the price.

On top of all that, the Yankees are opening a new stadium this season, where ticket prices are just astronomical.  $26,000 per seat for season tickets?  Good luck in this economy.  And they still have Hank “Seriously, He’s Crazy” Steinbrenner running the show.  He’s bound to get in fights with players and coaches; it is his destiny.  So let’s go through the list: Crazy star who will drag everyone down with him? Check.  Overpaid free agent signings who are likely to get injured?  Check.  A new stadium that is pricing out normal fans to the point where the stands will be half empty?  Check.  And an owner that is just waiting to jump down their throats if the team starts off rocky? Check.  Sounds like a recipe for a great year.

Final Prediction:  the Yankees will suffer though another year of missing the playoffs after both the Red Sox and the Rays trounce them, going 78-84.  On the bright side, they might do better that the Orioles.

Why They are Going to Suck – Rays Edition

If there is one foregone conclusion this season, it’s that the Tampa Bay Rays are going to be atrocious.   Fun Fact: their strongest and most ardent supporter is this guy:  As you can see from Dickie V’s face, he’s already prepared for the heartache that is going to befall him this summer.  Mr. Vitale has been a season ticket holder since the Rays inaugural season in 1998, and has stuck with them through an incredible decade of horribleness.  From 1998-2007, not only did no team lose more games, but only six teams were within 100 losses of them.  Obviously, a winning tradition had been building at Tropicana Field; however, last year they broke through with their first winning season and a trip to the playoffs.  Way to go, I guess, but it’s not that hard to win when you have been stockpiling number one picks for ten years.  But good for them, every team deserves a break once in a while.

Unfortunately, it’s not going to continue this year.  Their manager, Joe Maddon,  is cleary either crazy or dumb.  I mean, just look at the team slogan he came up with last year: 9=8.  The man can’t even do simple math.  It supposedly refers to nine players playing together to make one of the eight playoffs spots, but I think the Rays are going need someone around that knows that 9 does actually equal 9.  It’s going to be hard to overcome his ineptitude for another full year.

Also, building any momentum for the year will be difficult with the weight of all the bandwagon fans still hanging on from last year.  Throughout their history, the Rays have had trouble drawing fans, and those that did come were mostly transplanted Redsox or Yankees fans that wanted to see some sort of baseball, no matter how awful it might be.  Last year, though, people kept coming out of the woodwork so that their ranks swelled to abnormal proportions.  Many fans tried to show their support by getting the ridiculous “Rayhawk.” Even a few female fans got the Rayhawk… only, they got them, you know, down there.  What are all these band-wagoners going to do when the Rays suck this year?  There’s no chance the Rays can keep up their winning ways.  I mean, they beat both Redsox and Yankees last year.  That has to be a fluke, right?  No one has done that in 10 years.  They have a few good players, like BJ Upton, Evan Longoria, Carlos Pena, Carl Crawford, Akinori Iwamura, James Shields and Scott Kazmir, but come on, that’s not enough to compete.

Final Prediction:  This year the Rays will fall back to the dregges of the AL East, going 78-84 and, once again, stuggling to find fly balls.