Hey! Aron Baynes! You Need to Read This!!!!

Dear Senor Baynes,

I am an older child (25) from a small village outside the city of Seattle. I have enjoyed watching you play for the last few years and as a die-hard Cougar fan I would like to thank you for your contributions, both to Washington State University and to college basketball. I have also been incredibly fortunate to be considered by my friends (also huge cougar fans) to be your doppelganger (or twin for those of you who aren’t familiar with the doppelganger concept). Along with watching your amazing skills, this fact has added great joy to my watching of Cougar hoops. I receive uplifting phone calls and or text messages whenever “I” (you) make a great play, and just to keep the universe balanced, mean texts or phone calls when you commit fouls…..99% of which are garbage calls…Basketball is a physical game….if you weren’t meant to play rough they would have called it Letsholdhandsanddancearoundinafieldofflowersball. The reason for my correspondence (It’s a big word, I learned it at WSU…..Bella la Cougs) is to ask a favor: When an NBA team undoubtedly picks you up, I will be the first one running out to purchase your jersey (please no Oklahoma City Thunder…they suck and their unis are UGLY), but presently this is not an option. So my goal has become getting my hands on a game worn Aaron Baynes Washington State University Cougars basketball jersey, both to commemorate the amazing run of cougar hoops in the last few years and to remember this oddity that is our twinsy-ness that my friends find so amazing. I realize the second reason is intrinsically creepy and stalker-ish, but I assure you I am a somewhat normal (normalcy greatly exaggerated) human being. I mean, I’m a rabid cougar fan, so let’s just say I am as normal as possible as far as Cougar fans go. I am not asking for a handout, but as it turns out your jersey is a piece of Cougwear that is hard to come by. Trust me – I scoured the ebays and the Amazons, and all the entirety of the interwebs. I was hoping you could point me in the right direction as to how one might go about acquiring a genuine, game worn Aaron Baynes jersey. Price is not an issue, unless of course it’s ludicrously expensive….dude, I’m not made of money…..though if I was I would totally use the money that makes up my being to buy it….even if it meant I would no longer have my left arm that was made of $100 bills. So I am asking you – as a fellow Coug and a fellow “movie star good looks” having guy – please tell me how to nab your jersey….it would mean a lot to a group of your biggest fans and lifelong Cougs.

Word,

JackeElliotsMustache (Esquire)

FSN Broadcast Goes Down Like Crap on a Crap-Cracker

              Oh happy day! In a season where big victories are hard to come by, I am insanely ecstatic: FSN, or the Fox Sports Network, decided not to show the #14 team in the nation (featuring the conference’s number one scorer) against one of last year’s sweet sixteen participants (and arguably the most suffocating defense in the nation). Now, it’s hard not to admit that the Cougs aren’t exactly performing to the same standard as the last two years (we’ve been spoiled), but seriously? You pass on showcasing the most exciting talent in your conference – James Harden – to show an athletically sloppy, poorly coached, Lute Olsen-less Arizona team against an overrated, fraudulent, Washington Husky team? Granted, the game was somewhat entertaining, in an “a bunch of crazy people are shooting 40 foot jumpers” kind of way, but I for one would love to have seen my Cougs beat a top 20 team in their building. I guess I’m asking too much from FSN, who has to dole out their 2 cameras (both of which are handheld VHS camcorders borrowed from Marty McFly, who traveled back to the future to deliver them) to a single Pac-10 location twice weekly. But really, it’s true; my standards are way to high for a rinky-dink operation…. I mean they employ D’marco Farr! D’marco “likes anything that’s shiny” Farr! A man with more short-bus frequent rider miles that he can count…. To be fair he can only count to potato (his words not mine) but still…you get my point. I guess it’s too much to expect a decent slate of games every Thursday and Saturday…oh well…I can just watch “ESPN game cast” and *imagine* Klay Thompson going 8 of 10 from three and dropping 28 points.  No, I’m not bitter I missed the Cougs marquee win of the season thus far…I am just upset that FSN is run by a collective group of morons hell-bent on showing the least desirable games as often as possible in order to keep viewer ship down so they can take over the world …which happens to be the company’s mission statement.

 

PS: Also, maybe try using your HD channel every now and again jerks.

Happy Almost Apple Cup!

So, we have taken the time to archive all the posts from the last few months and if you missed them…..so your own fault. Since we have totally been posting everyday it is going to be so easy to get back into……I mean, stay in a rhythm. As we all know the last few months have been full of appallingly depressing sports moments involving our beloved sports franchises and college (take note of the singular “college”). While most in the greater Seattle area are lamenting all the things that have gone and are going wrong in every facet of local sports, there are some, namely me, who have been able to find a silver lining in this mess we call “local athletic activities and events”. In times such as these one ought not to throw stones, but to make an omelet you gotta break some eggs right (feel free to sprinkle in some other non-related clichés if you want)? Of course, the one small oasis in this desolate dessert we call home is the multi-sport futility of satan’s Alma matter, the university of washington (No Capitalization for you!). Sure, my beloved Cougs have shared a similar fate football wise with only one win this season against division 1-AA Portland State (a win is a win), but the Huskies, as of today, are winless in football, have already dropped their hoops season opener to the mighty Pilots of Portland and barely survived a second half meltdown against perennial powerhouse Cleveland State. At a time when everything else is going wrong you have to take time and smell some roses…whatever that means. Sure the fear of being known as the worst team in college football history looms heavily across this great Cougar nation of ours, but the possibility of keeping the huskies winless this weekend brings great hope and merriment to all WSU supporters (which should really be everyone, but people are inherently stupid and somehow missed that boat to Awesometown and/or Smartsville). Of course, just in case Saturday does not go as planned, Cougars 2 huskies 0, I will have my “we are a basketball school now” line in my holster, ready to draw.

I Miss Me Too……

                Hamilton drops bombs like weight, I still hate the All-Star break, and Favre should play in Arena Football…..that is all.

Where’d You Go? There You Are! Now I’m Angry

Put all you fears to rest, stuff and things is not dead. We are going through the tedious, confusing, and horrifying process of dissecting what is happening to, and in, the Seattle sports scene. Check back often for new posts as things seem to be gearing up for a nice little push through football season. On a side note, if you happen to attend a local sporting event and see something rib ticklingly, LOL’ingly, or pants poopingly (poopingly may be my new favorite pseudo word) funny, please take a picture or send a short blurb about the incident to jackelliotsmustache@gmail.com.

 

Yeehaw, Saddle Up, and Ya’ll Don’t Come Back Now Ya Here?

Well America’s fattest city, you stole our team and I am sure you are all hootin’ an hollerin’, shooting your guns into the air and eating Crisco right out of the tub in celebration. Before you fly too far off the pan-handle though, I figured it is my duty to inform you of some of the “assets” you are acquiring along with the franchise itself. These may seem like small beans to you as you have just won your first NBA Franchise……..hold on, a vegetable analogy may not be the right way to explain something to you guys, so for you Oklahoma City readers….These may seem like small bacon wrapped jelly donuts to you… ……but you have swiped yourself some real sweet basketball talent. I urge you to ride your horses down to the Ford Center and see all the glory that is Luke Ridinour running a professional basketball team…also electricity and running water (country bumpkins)…….It’s just beautiful. Also make sure you take time to get to know the “Bakersfield Bad Boy” Bob Swift’s game as it is flawless. I don’t want to get your collective hoops hopes up too high, but anything short of a championship next year should be a disappointment worthy of not showing up to games anymore. No team in the NBA is as solid throughout its lineup and, as far as star power, your team is epic. Big names like Johan Petro, Mickael Gelebale, Mo Sene, and Earl “The Human Turnover” Watson (don’t be fooled by his nickname, he is “awesome”) are all-star caliber players (in the WNBA….maybe). Enjoy the top tier hoops and I can’t wait to see your attendance totals in 3 years….I am sure they will be well below the league average…….horse travel is getting expensive these days.

As Bull Meechum Would Say, “Hey, Sports Fans!”

Hey there!  I’m the new guy on this oh-so-brilliant sports blog.  My name is “didhejustsayfunkybuttloving”, but you can just call me “Funky Buttloving” for short.  First of all, I wish to award kudos to those of you who noticed that this post’s title is a reference to the timeless Robert Duvall film “The Great Santini”.  More power to you!  To all of you idiots readers who have never even heard of this movie, you’re missing out on a classic film about an abusive, alcoholic father who nobody likes.  Needless to say, it’s a must-see film.  What’s more, you can buy the DVD on Amazon for only $6.99! (http://www.amazon.com/Great-Santini-Robert-Duvall/dp/0790742799/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1213830761&sr=8-1)  But I digress.

Anyway, before I introduce myself, let me point out that my name is a reference to another classic movie, “Rookie of the Year”.  This was my favorite movie growing up, and it featured superb acting from Daniel Stern, Gary Busey and some geeky kid whose acting career died soon after this movie was released.  If you are still confused by this movie reference, then you need to watch more crappy sports movies from the ’90s.  Or at least watch the beginning of this clip, which contains the now-famous “FUNKY BUTTLOVING!!!!” utterance.  Pure comic gold. 

And now, without further ado, I’ll quit talking movies and start talking sports.  First off, I am a die-hard baseball fan, and I continue to love the Mariners under the delusion that they will get better at some point (it shouldn’t be too hard, because they sure as heck can’t get any worse).  I also love college hoops, the NFL, and college football, but I’m pretty much a fan of any sport as long as it’s on ESPN or an ESPN-affiliated network.  Yes, this includes American Gladiators on ESPN Classic.  Who can forget classic, ’roided-up gladiators like Nitro and Malibu?  My favorite sports teams are the Seahawks, the 2008 NCAA-Champion Kansas Jayhawks (lifelong fan; ROCK CHALK JAYHAWK!), and the aforementioned M’s.

I like to think of myself as a Rick Reilly-type writer, mixing humor and wit with passion and heart.  I know that in time y’all will grow to love me, and “Funky Buttloving” will become a household name.  Until next time, goodbye, interweb. 

*Computer Terminate!*

Crap Face Poop Mouth for Example See Below

                    If you had come up to me 2 weeks ago and said “Hey the Mariners are going to take 2 of 3 from the Red Sox and you are going to want to jump off a bridge” I would have said shut up, nu-uh, as if, and a slew of other magical two-word hip phrases……but as it turns out you would be correct.  And so now I ask you, can I borrow your future telling device and/or time machine? The source of this frustration is the truth made evident by a weekend spent with “Red Sox Nation”. The amount of alleged “Sawks” fans, who in reality just really liked the movie Fever Pitch, was astronomical at The Safe over the 3 games. Now I understand that baseball is meant to be enjoyed by everybody and that is fine…. But at least take the time to know one thing about the team who’s gear you spent $300 dollars on….I will even get you started…Jimmy Fallon does not play right field (sorry Fever Pitch fans), Daiske Matzusaka is not the manager, and they play in Fenway Park in Boston. I realize it is much easier to spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars on merchandise than it is to take the time to know something about the team you “root for” but a new policy has been implemented by the MLBFAABAFAA (Major League Baseball Fans Association of America by Americans for the Advancement of Americans). In order to own a teams hat, t-shirt, jersey, jersey t-shirt, flip flops, v-neck, sweater vest, v-neck sweater vest, or any of the other crap MLB has tricked you into buying (all pink version of the aforementioned items are to never be purchased as they are stupid), you must learn one thing about the team who’s crap you are buying, not including the city in which they play or their mascot. That’s it, simple and easy. And I for one am 100% in the MLBFAABAFAA’s corner on this one. If this is too much for you however, the MLBFAABAFAA is working on a new line of hip cool baseball gear tailored to the extremely casual baseball fan. If you go to games for the atmosphere pick up the hip new “I am here for the Atmosphere” jersey from Majestic. Or perhaps you just really enjoy having a good time…well then the new “I support the having of good times” baseball cap from New Era is all the rage. These products are excellent for those of you who refuse to learn even one player from your teams starting line-up and they have something to fit anyone’s budget and taste. The two hottest selling items so far have been the “I like team A because my cousin once stayed in city A for 2 weeks one summer but I also like Team B” pink jersey t-shirt (also from Majestic) And of course the classic “I don’t care about either of these teams I just enjoy being outside and wanted to pay $60 to do so,” which comes in a hat and matching t-shirt. So don’t fret, uber casual fan of the game, you won’t be quizzed on what stadium you “favorite team” plays in, we just ask that you police yourself.

It’s Uncomfortable, But Sitting on the Fence is the Safest Place to Be

                          It has become abundantly clear to me, after the Mariners took 2 of 3 from the Red Sox; the time to hedge my bets is now. In the spirit of fence sitting I have issued this official statement…..”I believe in the Mariners…I believe they will lose 100 games and I also believe they will make the playoffs”. I am sure some of you are incredibly confused so I will bre bre bre break it down for ya’ll. If in 3 months the Mariners are somehow miraculously in the playoff picture in Major League baseball I want to make sure everyone knows that I have been on board since the beginning and I will have them reference the “I believe the will make it to the playoffs” part of my official statement. Then the more likely scenario, if they have lost close to 100 games and people are all saying “you totally thought they were going to make the playoffs” I will say no I didn’t and I will have them reference the “I believe they will lose 100 games” piece of my official statement. You see, what I have done here is incredibly ingenious….it is the quintessential example of having my cake and eating it too. Its win win….the Mariners suck…I am covered……the Mariners make an unthinkable run to the post season…..covered. I am the ultimate prognosticator and I cannot lose. So just in case, I will ask that you each save 2 copies of this article…….one with all the “Mariners suck” parts clipped out and the other with all the “Mariners are making the playoffs” parts clipped out. Then when the time comes I will instruct you which file you should open and re-read as proof of my ultimate sports predicting abilities so I can say “see i was right” and stuff…….So yea…..make those copies.

An Interview With the Boy Who Hit the Unhittable

                     The effects of Jon Lester’s no hitter have been widespread, and to gauge those effects in the sports world we secured former baseball superstar, all around neat guy, and self proclaimed Huguenot (whatever that is) Pete “Pillow Hands” Jendro, who torched Lester in a High School baseball game……here is that interview.

 

(JackEliiotsMustache) What are the details surrounding your face off with Jon Lester?

(Pillow Hands) I was a senior outfielder for Gig Harbor and Lester was a sophomore pitcher for Bellarmine Prep.

 

(JEM) As a person who has gotten a hit or hits off Lester what was your reaction to his no hitter?

 

(PH) I was happy for the kid…how do you not root for an individual who had to battle cancer?

 

(JEM) What was the most memorable part of getting hits off Lester? And, at the time, did you know someday he would overcome cancer and throw a no hitter? If so…how did facing a future cancer survivor affect your at bat?

 

(PH) Getting on base…yes I did in fact know that he would eventually have to overcome cancer but I didn’t think it would be my place to tell him…that is Gods duty.

 

(JEM) Do you feel like you could still get a hit off Lester? And if so, had you been playing for the Royals Monday, night would you have broken up his no hitter?

 

(PH) No I do not think that I could get a hit off of him but I could bunt and that is how I would have ruined the mans no hitter…then I would have stole all three bases to score and win the game 1-0.

 

(JEM) If you could change anything about your at bats against Lester what would it be?

 

(PH) I would turn all of my at bats into homeruns where the outfielder got just close enough to the ball to run into the fence like Aaron Rowand…but not catch it!

 

(JEM) Are you entertaining offers from any teams? Has your phone been ringing off the hook?

 

(PH) I am in talks with the Montreal Expos every single day…they think I can be the face of their franchise moving forward.

 

(JEM) If reached for comment what would Lester say about your guys’ match up which you so clearly dominated?

 

(PH) Lester would ask who the hell I was…and who you were.

 

(JEM) What kind of opportunities have materialized for you since your recent fame as the “boy who hit off the un-hittable”?

 

(PH) I have my own line of underwear that says “I can hit that!”

(JEM) Have you thought about making the rounds at card shows and memorabilia signings? If so do you have anything you want to plug?

 

(PH) I haven’t done any card shows and no I don’t have anything that I want to PLUG…seriously?

 

(JEM) You have been quoted as saying you “absolutely lit up that piece of junk pitcher Jon Lester whom I own”? Any comments?

 

(PH) I think those comments speak for themselves…and if they don’t then eat $%&*

 

(JEM) At what point were your Major League dreams derailed and have you attempted a come back since the Lester no hitter?

 

(PH) My major league dreams derailed when I graduated from high school and met people like you…but that’s coo I make five figures!

 

(JEM) Pick the statement that best reflects your feelings towards Jon Lester….”I experience male crush dude fantasies about him on a regular basis….like at least 3 times a week” or “He makes me feel like I am the only person in the world that matters to him and that is why someday I hope the state of Washington will allow us to finally be married”?

 

(PH) Neither one of those comments…stop trying to make me gay!

 

(JEM) Thanks for your time and good luck in your future endeavors

 

So here is to hoping another former local star has great success so we can find people who were better than them in High School so we can exploit that!!