Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch Changes (Also WTAGTS – Pirates Edition)

In case you haven’t noticed, this is taking forever. We have had some fun, Oil Can made the internet angry, and Double LL torched the impossible to pronounce Cubs line-up card. It’ sad, but its time to be done with baseball previews as most teams have already played at least 7 games. So we are going with a new format just to crush what’s left and get back to our modus operandi as soon as possible. This will be the last of the “Why They Are Going To Suck” individual team previews….which will be a breath of fresh air to some….and to others the foul stench of a Jackelliotsmustache Special Down Home Cooked Dutch oven. It doesn’t matter which side you choose because here come the “Standard Division Race Previews For the Ones We Couldn’t Finish in Time” previews.

 

With a tear and a song here is the final “Why They Are Going to Suck – Pirates Edition. It’s funny, this should be the easiest one to write of the whole lot…save the Marlins….but with the sites vision fully focused on the future and a noon trip to Safeco on my mind my mind grapes are not producing the juices I had hoped they would…..but that’s half the fun right? When in doubt turn to YouTube…..I wish I could credit the artist on this but without further ado…here is why they will suck thanks to the musical stylings of this dude.  

 

 

 

Final Prediction: The Pirates will be dead last based on ZERO power in their lineup and a total lack of a veteran presence on the team….Jack Wilson is the oldest player on the team at 30 and one of the saddest stories in baseball…..a Pirates lifer….man that sucks . They have decent 1 and 2 starters but after that the drop off is astronomical and continues all the way through their depressingly awful (even to non pirates fans) bullpen. 63-99…which will be good enough for the worst record in all of baseball…..Have fun Pittsburgh….Jerks

Why They Are Going to Suck – Brewers Edition

Next up in the aggravatingly boring National League Central is the team formerly known as the Seattle Pilots.  Many of you already know this, but in 1969 Bud Selig “acquired in bankruptcy court” (meaning stole from a poor soul who was having trouble making ends meet) Seattle’s Major League Baseball franchise and promptly moved them to Milwaukee.  Bud then changed the name to the Brewers to better take advantage of the city’s rich cultural history of beer brewers and drinkers.  He used Milwaukeeians’ love for beer in the same way he used players love for being the best and cheating to get there, to make more money.  More than 40 years later, he claimed that he had done all he could to rid baseball of steroids when it was in MLB’s financial interest to let Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa “save” baseball after the ’94 strike.  You can see the slight conflict of interest there.  While Bud is no longer the owner of the Brewers, let be known that it was in Milwaukee where he began his conniving ways. 

Milwaukee is doing it’s best to challenge Miami as the fattest city in the nation.  Not only do the people of Milwaukee enjoy a cool refreshing beer, one of their most beloved events is the between-inning sausage race around Miller Park.  What better way to promote good health than to watch 5 people dressed up as types of meat run around, trying not to fall down.  Fun fact: after every Brewer home run, their mascot, Bernie Brewer slides a yellow plastic slide.  He could just take the stairs but he’s too hefty for that, too much of a work out.  And which Brewers player led the team in home runs last year? Prince Fielder, who is not a small man but is a big fan of donuts.  Milwaukee certainly has an attraction to great, big fat people.

Last year, the Brewers made the playoffs for the first time since 1982, but it’s going to be a rough summer this time around.  They should be decent offensively, if Prince can stop drooling over those delectable pastries, but their rotation is going to be terrible.  Their top two pitchers from the end of last year, CC Sabathia and Ben Sheets, are no longer with the team.  After Yovani Gallardo, they have Dave Bush, Jeff Suppan and Braden Looper.  Ouch.  They seem to have an affinity for Cardinals’ cast offs.  Let’s hope they don’t sign Jeff Weaver anytime soon. 

Final prediction:  Nothing is going to save the team from this terrible rotation which, in turn, will drive the Milwaukee faithful to drink even more.  But, Brewer Fans, the Brew Crew will hit a lot of home runs, so get used to seeing this guy in your drunken stupor.

Why They are Going to Suck – Cubs Edition

Oh, Chicago Cubs, why must you perennially disappoint us year after year?  For shame, Chicago Cubs!  You haven’t won the World Series since 1908.  And people say Seattle sports teams suck!  Since 1984, the Cubbies have made the playoffs six times.  I can almost count that high on one hand!  And there are some people who can count to six on one hand! (Like Count Rugen from The Princess Bride.)  I wonder what the advantages to having six fingers would be.  You know, besides the obvious stuff, like having a great conversation starter which you could use to meet hot babes at “da’ club”.  But I digress.  Like I was saying, the Cubs have built a pretty strong and reliable reputation for letting their fans down.  Granted, the team has made massive strides toward redeeming themselves, especially in the past two seasons.  However, none of that will matter in 2009, when everything will go to Hell in a hand basket once again.

The reason for the Cubs’ inevitable collapse?  The names of their players.  The Cubs’ roster is filled with headache-enducing names, featuring players like Geovany Soto* and Michael Eugene Fontenot.  Other strange-but-true names include Joey Gathright, Ted Lilly (Lilly is either (1) a girl’s name, or (2) the name of a flower.  Talk about a no-win situation), Kosuke Fukudome (I don’t even know how to make a joke about his name without using the f-word), and Alfonso Soriano.

Finally, there’s the Cubs’ backup first baseman, Michah Hoffpauir.  Yes, that is the correct spelling.  I think I know what happened here.  Moments after Michah’s birth, the doctor asked his mother what her son was to be named.  Unfortunately, Michah’s momma had a postpartum seizure, and the incoherent babbling that emerged from her foaming mouth sounded something like “Michah Hoffpauir”.  Ever since then, poor Michah has been the target of many, many postpartum seizure baby jokes.

Right now, you’re probably thinking, “You’re right, Double L!  What a bunch of weirdos!  But why will the players’ names make them bad at baseball?”  Please, allow me to explain.  With so many unusual and unconventional names plaguing the roster, the players will have a very hard time pronouncing (or even remembering!) each others’ names.  How good can your team be if you can’t even remember what the guy standing next to you in the field is called?  The players will be so distracted by their teammates’ confusing names, they won’t be able to focus when the game is on the line.  I also envision many frustrated locker room interactions, like the one where Ted Lilly criticizes Fukudome and in the process accidentally drops an F-bomb.  This irks the easily-irkable Luis Vizcaino, who throws a punch at Aramis Ramirez, starting a clubhouse brawl that is broken up by pitching coach Larry Rothschild.  You can see how things might get a little wild and crazy, all because the stupid players can’t decide to change their names to something a little more manageable, like John Smith.

Final Prediction: Despite having a lineup full of CRAZY names, the Cubs of Chicago will overcome adversity and will reach the All-Star break with the best record in baseball (largely due to the absurd amount of talent on their team).  Even better, the team will be on pace to win a record 137 games!  HOORAY!!!  However, sometime in mid-August, the inevitable will occur.  The team will be flying to the west coast for a matchup against the San Diego Padres when the team’s pilot will make a light-hearted joke about Milton Bradley, incuring the wrath of the most psychotic player in MLB.  In a blind fury, Bradley will storm the cockpit and kill both pilots, sending the plane careening into a field where the whole team will die in a fiery crash.  Naturally, Steve Bartman will shoulder most of the blame.  The team will end the season with a record of 99-18.

Wow, that was a pretty depressing prediction.  Aaaaaanyway, here’s an absolutely hilarious video of Lou Pinella getting ejected.  Hopefully this will cheer you up.

*For your convenience, all the funny-sounding parts of the players’ names have been presented in bold font.  You’re welcome.

Mariners Defeat Twins With Entire Team of Possibly Evil Griffey Clones?

You heard it here first. Here is the video evidence.

Also, on a side note, Felix was fantastico!!! When asked about his performance Felix said “RAWWWWWRRRRRRRRR”…….That is all.

RAWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

MARINERS PREDICTION SHOW…BAPPA BAAA BAAPPPEEE BAAAA

I know it’s hard to tear your eyes away from this glorious t-shirt but below is the Mariners prediction show…..BAPPA BAAA BAAPPAAAAA BAAA. So enjoy, and if you are a participant…do you really think the Mariners are going to be that good? Plbbbbbbbtttttt. So sit back, relax and enjoy some King Felix dishing tonight.

Wins and Losses 

Oil Can McDuck – 78-84

Jackelliotsmustache – 74-88

Double L – 78-84

Curious Case of BJ Upton – 77-85

Gary Old-Man – 71-91

The Jender Bender – 62-100

Ol’ Gibbage – 85-77

Harold Is Back – 85-77

 

Projected Starting Rotation

Oil Can McDuck – Felix, Bedard, Silva, Washburn, Morrow

Jackelliotsmustache – Felix, Bedard, Silva, Washburn, Morrow

Double L – Felix, Bedard, Morrow, Roland-Smith, Silva

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Felix, Bedard, Roland-Smith, Silva, Washburn

Gary Old-Man – Felix, Bedard, Washburn, Morrow, Silva

The Jender Bender –Felix “the cat”, Bedard, Silva, Washburn, Miggy

Ol’ Gibbage – Felix, Bedard, Silva, Morrow, Rowland-Smith (on a side note Washburn is a joke)

Harold Is Back – Felix, Bedard, Washburn, Silva, Roland-Smith

 

All Stars 

Oil Can McDuck – Ichiro, Beltre

Jackelliotsmustache – Ichiro, Beltre

Double L – Ichiro, Felix, Yuni

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Guitierrez

Gary Old-Man – Morrow

The Jender Bender – Ichiro

Ol’ Gibbage – Beltre, Felix, Ichiro, Griffey

Harold Is Back – Felix, Ichiro, Yuni

 

Felix’s Record

Oil Can McDuck – 14-8

Jackelliotsmustache – 16-9

Double L – 16-10

Curious Case of BJ Upton – 13-7

Gary Old-Man – 18-11

The Jender Bender – 11-10

Ol’ Gibbage – 19-9

Harold Is Back – 21-3

 

Griffey’s Line (AVG, HR, RBI)

Oil Can McDuck – .260, 25, 87

Jackelliotsmustache – .245, 26, 80

Double L – .273, 31, 108

Curious Case of BJ Upton – .260, 18, 58

Gary Old-Man – .303, 28, 92

The Jender Bender – .245, 21, 60

Ol’ Gibbage – .278, 28, 90

Harold Is Back – .273, 37, 83

 

Griffey’s Starts in the Outfield

Oil Can McDuck – 10

Jackelliotsmustache – 22

Double L – 16

Curious Case of BJ Upton – 10

Gary Old-Man – 42

The Jender Bender –24

Ol’ Gibbage – 163

Harold Is Back – 20

 

Jose Lopez Opening Day Weight

Oil Can McDuck – 215

Jackelliotsmustache – 210

Double L – 215

Curious Case of BJ Upton – 210

Gary Old-Man – 213

The Jender Bender –215

Ol’ Gibbage – 225

Harold Is Back – 200

 

Everyday Starter to Get Injured First

Oil Can McDuck – Russell Branyan

Jackelliotsmustache – Mike Sweeny

Double L – Johjima

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Washburn

Gary Old-Man – Yuniesky

The Jender Bender – Griffey

Ol’ Gibbage – Hopefully Yuniesky

Harold Is Back – Beltre

 

Team Leader in Wins (and number of)

Oil Can McDuck – Bedard/Felix (14)

Jackelliotsmustache – Felix (16)

Double L – Felix (16)

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Felix (13)

Gary Old-Man – Bedard (20)

The Jender Bender – Felix (11)

Ol’ Gibbage – Felix (19)

Harold Is Back – Felix (21)

 

Team Leader in AVG (and number)

Oil Can McDuck – Ichiro (.332)

Jackelliotsmustache – Ichiro (.335)

Double L – Ichiro (.334)

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Ichiro (.310)

Gary Old-Man – Ichiro (.321)

The Jender Bender –Ichiro (.311)

Ol’ Gibbage – Ichiro (.335)

Harold Is Back – Ichiro (.342)

 

Team Leader in HR (and number of)

Oil Can McDuck – Griffey (25)

Jackelliotsmustache – Beltre (35)

Double L – Griffey (31)

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Beltre (27)

Gary Old-Man – Beltre (35)

The Jender Bender – Beltre (28)

Ol’ Gibbage – Beltre (38)

Harold Is Back – Beltre (30)

 

Team Leader in Hits (and number of)

Oil Can McDuck – Ichiro (215)

Jackelliotsmustache – Ichiro (217)

Double L – Ichiro (231)

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Ichiro (220)

Gary Old-Man – Ichiro (202)

The Jender Bender –Ichiro (200)

Ol’ Gibbage – Ichiro (212)

Harold Is Back – Ichiro (210)

 

Team Leader in RBIs (and number of)

Oil Can McDuck – Beltre (98)

Jackelliotsmustache – Beltre (105)

Double L – Griffey (108)

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Lopez (90)

Gary Old-Man – Beltre (108)

The Jender Bender –Beltre (102)

Ol’ Gibbage – Beltre (128)

Harold Is Back – Griffey (83)

 

Team Leader in Errors (and number of)

Oil Can McDuck – Yuniesky (21)

Jackelliotsmustache – Yuniesky (20)

Double L – Yuniesky (18)

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Yuniesky (15)

Gary Old-Man – Yuniesky (22)

The Jender Bender – Lopez (23)

Ol’ Gibbage – Yuniesky (20)

Harold Is Back – Lopez (15)

 

Month of Griffey’s First Trip to the DL

Oil Can McDuck – June

Jackelliotsmustache – July

Double L – August

Curious Case of BJ Upton – May

Gary Old-Man – June

The Jender Bender –June

Ol’ Gibbage – Not Gonna Happen

Harold Is Back – Not Going to Happen

 

First Mariner Win of the Season (Date, Opponent, and Score)

Oil Can McDuck – April 6^th, Minnesota, 4-1

Jackelliotsmustache – April 6^th, Minnesota, 3-0

Double L – April 6^th, Minnesota, 5-3

Curious Case of BJ Upton – April 6^th, Minnesota, 6-4

Gary Old-Man – April 7^th, Minnesota, 4-3

The Jender Bender –April 8th, Minnesota, 10-7 

Ol’ Gibbage – April 6th, Minnesota, 3-2

Harold Is Back – April 6^th, Minnesota, 5-3

 

Number of Games Where Bedard Goes More Than 5 Innings

Oil Can McDuck – 18

Jackelliotsmustache – 19

Double L – 14

Curious Case of BJ Upton – 12

Gary Old-Man – 15

The Jender Bender –10

Ol’ Gibbage – 20

Harold Is Back – 8

 

Where Clement Will Get Most of His Starts

Oil Can McDuck – Catcher

Jackelliotsmustache – Catcher

Double L – 1B

Curious Case of BJ Upton – DH

Gary Old-Man – Seattle (Cheater! But chances are a winner none the less)

The Jender Bender –Catcher

Ol’ Gibbage – Catcher

Harold Is Back – 1B

 

First Mariner Minor Leaguer to be Called Up

Oil Can McDuck – Garrett Olson (P)

Jackelliotsmustache – Michael Saunders (OF)

Double L – Matt Tuiasisopo

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Chris Shelton

Gary Old-Man – Bryan LaHair

The Jender Bender –Mike Sweeny

Ol’ Gibbage – Matt Tuiasisopo (When Yuni keeps sucking)

Harold Is Back – Freddy Guzman

Closer

Oil Can McDuck – Mark Lowe

Jackelliotsmustache – David Aardsma

Double L –  Mark Lowe

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Mark Lowe

Gary Old-Man – Miguel Batista

The Jender Bender – Mark Lowe

Ol’ Gibbage – Miguel Batista

Harold Is Back – Brandon Morrow

 

Date of Griffey’s First HR

Oil Can McDuck – April 7 vs. Minnesota

Jackelliotsmustache – April 14 vs. Angels

Double L – April 15^th vs. Angels 

Curious Case of BJ Upton – April 18 vs.

Gary Old-Man – April 14 vs Angels

The Jender Bender – April xth, Mineesota (3^rd games)

Ol’ Gibbage – April 14^th vs Angels

Harold Is Back – April 7^th vs. Minnesota

 

AL West Standings

Oil Can McDuck – LA, SEA, OAK, TEX

Jackelliotsmustache – LA, TEX, SEA, OAK

Double L – LA, TEX, OAK, SEA

Curious Case of BJ Upton – LA, TEX, SEA, OAK

Gary Old-Man – LA, OAK, SEA, TEX

The Jender Bender – LA, OAK, TEX, SEA

Ol’ Gibbage – SEA, LA, TEX, OAK

Harold Is Back – LA, SEA, TEX, OAK

 

 

AL MVP

Oil Can McDuck – Miguel Cabrera

Jackelliotsmustache –  Josh Hamilton

Double L – Josh Hamilton

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Evan Longoria

Gary Old-Man – Evan Longoria

The Jender Bender – A-Rod (icky)

Ol’ Gibbage – Josh Hamilton

Harold Is Back – Evan Longoria

 

AL Cy Young

Oil Can McDuck – Roy Halladay

Jackelliotsmustache – 

Double L – C.C. Sabathia

Curious Case of BJ Upton – Roy Halladay

Gary Old-Man – John Lester

The Jender Bender – Matt Garza

Ol’ Gibbage – Felix Hernandez

Harold Is Back – Daisuke Matsuzaka

 

Total At-Bats For Balentin

Oil Can McDuck – 200

Jackelliotsmustache – 235

Double L –  337

Curious Case of BJ Upton – 200

Gary Old-Man – 246

The Jender Bender –100

Ol’ Gibbage – 498

Harold Is Back – 237

Why They Are Going to Suck – Cardinals Edition

I’m not quite sure what to say about the St. Louis Cardinals.   They don’t have any of the normal reasons that we have listed for why they are going to suck.  Their fan-base is pretty supportive without being overly rabid, like the fans of the Yankees or Redsox.  They have a pretty good stadium, unlike the pitiful Marlins.  They aren’t even owned by Anheuser-Busch anymore and this owner, Bill DeWitt, is relatively uncrazy and hands-off while providing a decent payroll.  The Cards are mostly just boring.  How many people even know that they have the second most World Series Championships?  So, for this edition of why they are going to suck I’m going to have to focus on the players and coaches. 

Let’s start with Tony La Russa.  Known to be somewhat surrly, Tony has run at least a few players out of town, most notably allstar third baseman Scott Rollen.  Fun Fact: Tony recieved his law degree from Florida State University prior to becoming a manager.  I guess some of those whiny players can’t handle what I am sure are his logical and reasoned criticisms of their play.  They probably aren’t big fans of his dancing ability either; pictured here is his skinamarinkidinkidink. 

Tony leads a team of lovable misfits, held together with duct tape and bailing wire.  First, we have Albert Pujols, the Cardinals best (and really only) hope for an above average player.  And who knows if he can even stay healthy.  Due to an elbow injury last year, he was only able to put up a .357/.462/.653 slash line.  Al, you are better than that.  Suck it up.  Behind him, the Cardinals offense will be legitimately terrible.  Troy Glaus will be out for an indeterminate amount of time so they are screwed at third base.  Some guy named Skip is playing second, and they have Rick Ankiel, a pitcher, starting in center field.  He was so bad on the mound that he once threw 5 wild pitches in one inning.  And he’s not even the worse pitcher on the team.  Joel Pinero is the Cardinals number two starter and their 4th highest paid player!  The fact that he is making 5.5 million a year makes me want to punch something.  Added to that, their best pitcher is Chris Carpenter, who hasn’t pitched in two years.  This guy is about as reliable as me when it comes to getting my posts up on time. 

Final Prediction:  All of their best players are either hurt,  are coming off injury or they suck, which never a good recipe if you want to win.  On top of that, their manager is a loony who dances on the field and everything else about them is boring.  They even had to sample another song for their theme song.  I think the Cards are going to struggle again this year with injuries and suckiness and finish 78-84. 

Why They are Going to Suck – Astros Edition

                 There I was, completely ready to drop a magnanimous sneak-peek of the mighty Houston Astros, when I stumbled upon a foreboding thought stream widely ignored by the mainstream fascist baseball media (that’s you John Kruk!…..fatty). So, I’m perusing the 40-man roster, seeing great names ranging from Lance “The Big Puma” Berkman to young up-and-comer Doug Brocail…..when all of a sudden I stumbled onto the edge of the rabbit hole of baseball cognizance…..the Houston Astros play in Houston. The key that unlocked the door to a world of mystery, intrigue, danger, murder, mysterious danger and murderous intrigue, was now in my hands. After a quick Wikipedia search of Houston, I quickly found out that it is in Texas, and arguably the most popular athlete in Houston history is Hakeem “The Dream” Olajuwon. Hakeem was parodied in Kevin Bacon’s career-making movie “The Air Up There.” Kevin Bacon, also in the hit movie “Tremors”, played a character named Valentine McKee, and Valentine’s Day is celebrated throughout the world on February 14^th. The number 14 is divisible by 7, and newly signed catcher Ivan “Pudge” Rodriguez’s hit total for the 2008 season was 21, which is also divisible by 7. Marco Rodriguez was the key grip on the set of “Tremors 2: Aftershock,” which was an awful movie without the star power of Kevin Bacon. This was the “Aha!” moment of my journey, because for the Astros to even stand a chance against the many powerful foes of the NL Central, they will need the final piece to this whole giant puzzle……a great performance by Kevin Bacon. As it stands currently, Bacon is not on the Astros radar, let alone roster. Because of the infinitely small readership of this blog, paired with a scarcity of creativity in front office leadership from the Astros, chances are this invaluable information will not reach ‘Stros GM Ed Wade in time……but I can’t stress this enough, Ed: Kevin Bacon is your only hope!

 Final Prediction: After an 86-75 season last year, the Astros didn’t really do anything in the off-season to help themselves. This does not bode well for this year’s team, and chances are they will struggle to get to 80 wins. I have them finishing 80-82, and fourth in the NL Central.

 SWEET BERRY WINE