I Miss Me Too……

                Hamilton drops bombs like weight, I still hate the All-Star break, and Favre should play in Arena Football…..that is all.

Oh, Happy Day!

After waking up this morning at 6 a.m. to put out signs for the Bellevue Market (go to it, all you eastsiders; it’s at First Presbyterian Church of Bellevue from 3-7!), I peered through my tired eyes and looked at the sun-shiney day in front of me and thought, “it’s going to be a glorious day”.  I couldn’t have been more correct.  In what has otherwise been a very bleak month for Seattle sports fans, some great news arrived at all our doorsteps this morning as the Seattle Mariners officially released the all-around abomination known as Richie Sexson.

Now, we all know that this is a move the front-office goons should have made at least a year ago, but hey, better late than never, right?  Sexson has been a serious contender for world’s greatest choke artist for a while now, and the amount of undeserved money the Mariners have paid him is almost criminal.  This act of the Mariners finally releasing him should serve as the final coup de grâce for his career.  By the way, for those of you wondering what coup de grâce means, it is French for “a deathblow of mercy to end the suffering of one who is mortally wounded”.  Trust me.  Wikipedia never lies. 

But hey, let’s keep in mind that Sexson being released isn’t all good news for the M’s.  First of all, now the Mariners have virtually no chance of having the Mendoza Line renamed in honor of one of their players.  Additionally, now that Big Bad Richie is gone, who is gonna charge the mound after getting a little chin music?  We all have to admit, it was pretty funny to watch him throw his helmet at Kason Gabbard.

Anyway, Seattleites will always remember July 10th as being the date in which the Mariners finally released the leech of their program, Richie “Free-Swinging” Sexson.  This move is a reassuring sign that he head honchos of the Mariners organization finally know what they’re doing.  Keep in mind that Bavasi’s bright idea had been to wait to release Sexson until a suitable replacement became available in free agency, which most baseball enthusiasts agree is an obsolete system.  To all Mariners fans, I hope that you wil join me in parading down to Seattle, finding GM Lee Pelekoudas, hoisting him upon our shoulders, and buying him a drink. 

As for Sexson, all I can say is that he had to have known the time had come to call it quits.  I mean, being replaced in the lineup by Miguel Cairo is a pretty good indicator that things aren’t working out too well for ya, Richie baby.  I just hope that you’ll take your cool 50 million clams (that’s the cool way of saying “$50 million), finding a nice place to settle down that’s far away from any other human life (I suggest the moon), and shunning yourself from the rest of civilization.  You might as well shun mankind, because mankind will surely shun you for the rest of your pathetic little life. 

In other news, my boy R.A. Dickey is getting the ball tonight.  YES!  He’s always fun to watch.  That’s all I got for ya, folks.  Now go check out deadspin.com or something.

Where’d You Go? There You Are! Now I’m Angry

Put all you fears to rest, stuff and things is not dead. We are going through the tedious, confusing, and horrifying process of dissecting what is happening to, and in, the Seattle sports scene. Check back often for new posts as things seem to be gearing up for a nice little push through football season. On a side note, if you happen to attend a local sporting event and see something rib ticklingly, LOL’ingly, or pants poopingly (poopingly may be my new favorite pseudo word) funny, please take a picture or send a short blurb about the incident to jackelliotsmustache@gmail.com.

 

Yeehaw, Saddle Up, and Ya’ll Don’t Come Back Now Ya Here?

Well America’s fattest city, you stole our team and I am sure you are all hootin’ an hollerin’, shooting your guns into the air and eating Crisco right out of the tub in celebration. Before you fly too far off the pan-handle though, I figured it is my duty to inform you of some of the “assets” you are acquiring along with the franchise itself. These may seem like small beans to you as you have just won your first NBA Franchise……..hold on, a vegetable analogy may not be the right way to explain something to you guys, so for you Oklahoma City readers….These may seem like small bacon wrapped jelly donuts to you… ……but you have swiped yourself some real sweet basketball talent. I urge you to ride your horses down to the Ford Center and see all the glory that is Luke Ridinour running a professional basketball team…also electricity and running water (country bumpkins)…….It’s just beautiful. Also make sure you take time to get to know the “Bakersfield Bad Boy” Bob Swift’s game as it is flawless. I don’t want to get your collective hoops hopes up too high, but anything short of a championship next year should be a disappointment worthy of not showing up to games anymore. No team in the NBA is as solid throughout its lineup and, as far as star power, your team is epic. Big names like Johan Petro, Mickael Gelebale, Mo Sene, and Earl “The Human Turnover” Watson (don’t be fooled by his nickname, he is “awesome”) are all-star caliber players (in the WNBA….maybe). Enjoy the top tier hoops and I can’t wait to see your attendance totals in 3 years….I am sure they will be well below the league average…….horse travel is getting expensive these days.

Aussie Aussie Aussie! Oi Oi Oi!

Late last night, the Mariners moved starter Felix Hernandez to the 15-day DL after he was viciously attacked by Carlos Beltran, the stupid jerk who plays for the New York Mets.  While my first instinct to this news was somber, I realized that the move effectively did nothing, since Hernandez wasn’t expected to pitch tonight anyway.  The only reason for moving him to the 15-day DL was to make the M’s front office appear smart, which I fully support.  You see, the move to the 15-day DL was retroactive June 24, meaning Hernandez will be eligible to pitch as early as July 8th.  Since we all knew that he wouldn’t pitch until then anyway, moving him to the DL essentially was a formal way of announcing that no change had been made to his road to recovery.  Big whoop.

However, something exciting has unraveled itself amidst all of this formal mumble-jumble!  Starting in Hernandez’s place tonight is none other than long-reliever/wunderkind Ryan Rowland-Smith!!  I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve always loved this guy.  He has a wicked curveball that’s eerily reminiscent of Barry Zito (before he sucked out loud), and he’s been a consistent force out of the bullpen for the M’s.  This season, the bespectacled southpaw from down under has been very effective outta the ‘pen, harnessing a 2.66 ERA while working on an impressive 1.17 WHIP.  And let’s be honest: we don’t have a relief pitcher better suited for this start than Rowland-Smith.  I mean, sure, Brandon Morrow probably has the stuff to be a great starter, but the M’s are fully aware that the baseball gods will surely strike down Jarrod Washburn with a bolt of lightning within the next couple of weeks, which means that Morrow will need to fill in at that time.  And Rowland-Smith has said that he will take this start seriously, as it will be his first big league start.  I am excited to see what he can do tonight.

As you can tell, I am struggling to find things to say in this post, so I will now conclude it by providing Rowland-Smith with some sound advice that my mother always gave me as I got ready to go to high school each morning: ”Remember, you’re the smartest, most handsome boy out there, no matter what the other kids say.  I love you, sweetie!”  And Ryan, if you were here, I would give you a big, wet kiss on the cheek, just as my mother always gave me as I headed off to school.